Not Sure How To Feel

[ICantThink]

I've been in a relationship with the same guy for around 6-7 months (I'm not really sure. I don't keep track of the whole "when he asked me out" thing like most people) but it's roughly that time frame. In that time frame we've become serious, and have talked about sex multiple times. We almost had sex a few weeks ago, but stopped because he got nervous and I ended up realizing I was insanely nervous as well. We've since slowed down as we've realized we aren't ready to take that step, and the farthest we've gone is third base. Also, I recently had a mental freak out which is my other message board on here.

Anyways, some back story is one day he and I went on a huge group date and it was when I first met a lot of his friends. A couple of them I had met on another occasion and had a conversation with. When I met a few of them the first time, he later told me one of them asked him "so you fuck her yet?" right after they saw me. (Roughly 4 months into our relationship.) Anyways, during this group date they kept calling me "___ hot girlfriend" (I'm not putting his name on here) instead of my actual name. So of course I ignored them when they referred to me as that when trying to get my attention. An example being I was having a conversation with one of my friends who was there while waiting in line for a ride (we were at an amusement park) and he was across the way talking to his friends in line for another ride. Some of them noticed me and started yelling "Hey ___ hot girlfriend!" repeatedly.

Eventually I walked over and one of them said "She hates us. Why do you hate us?" so I came back with "I don't hate you, I just find you disrespectful that you can't remember five simple letters and can't refer to me by my name instead of a title. Just because I'm dating him doesn't make me his property which is how you're referring to me as and I don't appreciate it. My name is Jenni and I also don't appreciate you yelling at me while I'm in the middle of a conversation with my friend." then walked away. I then talked to my boyfriend about the issue and he said he talked to them, apologized for how they acted, and agreed that it was disrespectful. I haven't hung out with any of his friends since, mostly because I've been busy and we haven't done a group date lately and I just don't want to be around people who can't remember something as simple as my name.

Today, he called me and told me they were hanging out after school and somehow the subject of how vagina's smell weird or look weird got brought up. He claimed he wasn't paying much attention and made a weird face when they were talking about that as in a "what the fuck are we talking about" way and his friends asked "Have you ever seen one?" He then said he responded with "Yeah, I have a girlfriend." I'm not sure what happened after he said that, because I was too focused on what he had already told me. He then said he called to talk to me about it because he was still trying to process what happened and "needed to talk to someone about it."

While I'm glad he called to tell me about it, and explained that he wasn't thinking when he answered and even apologized a few times, I'm still trying to process the fact that 1. His friends that can't remember my name and have been extremely disrespectful towards me now know he's seen me naked. They're a bunch of perverted teenage guys, and having them know he's seen me naked, and knowing they're probably going to ask for details and shit like teenage guys do, disgusts me. and 2. I know he said it was an accident, but it still kind of pisses me off that he didn't have the decency to consider me at all when he answered.

I'm glad I found out about what happened from him, and that he told me right after it happened instead of running into his friends and having them bring it up. I also know that he isn't the type of guy to go around bragging about what we've done in a way of "Guess what we did last night" so I do believe it was an accident when he answered. It just seriously pisses me off that they know, or have a guess, what's happened between us and now I don't know what else he might have "accidentally" said. I'm one of those people that strongly believe that anything that happens between a boyfriend and girlfriend should stay between them and only them, as no one else is apart of that relationship. So even though he said it was an accident, and he isn't one of those guys that goes around bragging about what we've done, I'm still pissed off and hurt. I haven't told him I was pissed because I don't know if I'm pissed at him, or the fact that his friends now have something else they can be disrespectful about.

I guess my main thing for saying all this is 1. to get my anger out there and 2. am I justified in feeling pissed off even though he said it was an accident and apologized? More importantly, how do I deal with it. I can't exactly turn back the clocks and tell him before hand "You're going to tell your perverted disrespectful friends you've seen me naked without thinking."

[ICantThink]

Also, to add to the situation with his friends, out of the 15-20 I've met I don't have a problem with two of them. Although at first when I met one of the two she told me they used to work together and he once "got her out of her dress" then explained she couldn't reach the zipper and he just helped but nothing ever happened between them and also told me he was quite the ladies man. I'm not the jealous type or anything, I was just thinking "what girlfriend wants to hear that her boyfriend was quite the ladies man and helped another girl he sees on a regular basis out of her dress?" I've actually had a couple other conversations with her since that and don't have a problem with her, it was just weird hearing that.

I also know almost all his friends have made/are making jokes about our relationship and how "if he plays his cards right I'll have sex with him." I'm not so much pissed at him as I truly believe it was an accident, I'm just more so upset that he didn't bother to even slightly consider how it would affect me as well. I understand that guys are guys and they talk about shit without realizing the effect it's going to have later on, not saying that about all guys, but seriously. No girl wants her boyfriends pervy friends knowing he's seen her naked.

[Sam W]

Hi ICantthink,

Okay, so first off, you're quite free to vent here, as his friends generally sound like they're being unpleasant towards you, which can suck. You're right that you can't go back in time and stop your boyfriend from saying what he's said, but I think having a bigger conversation with him might be in order. Have the two of you talked about how uncomfortable the way his friends talk about you makes you? If so, how has he responded? It sounds like he's agreed that they are being disrespectful, but has he made any indication that he calls them out when they do or say stuff like this?

I also want to ask, how is your social circle outside of your boyfriend and his friends?

[Heather]

Would it be helpful -- and okay -- for me to share a similar situation I once found myself in and both how I dealt with that, how it played out, and what conclusions I drew?

Too, setting aside what he shared with his friends about you, can I ask if, in general, this is a group of people you don't feel safe around or trust overall? In other words, were someone to ask you about the quality (insomuch as we can soundly talk about people in that way) of his friends, what would you say about them? Would you say, "I think they're good people but the maturity level does seem awfully low compared to his," or something more on the other end, like, "I don't think they're good people, they don't seem safe or kind, and I just don't get why he's friends with them at all?"

And on that note, can I ask if your boyfriend seems to you to be very like most of his friends, or quite unlike them, where you can't figure out how he fits in with them at all? Or, does he seem fairly like them?

[ICantThink]

Sam W - After I posted on here, I ended up talking to him more about what happened. When he first told me I was dealing with projects from school and helping a friend with a break up so I wasn't fully paying attention to what he was saying. When it finally registered exactly what happened I called him back and we talked about how the conversation went and he apologized several times. I then tried explaining how I was feeling by saying I wasn't so much pissed at him, as I did truly believe it was an accident and know he isn't the kind of guy to go bragging about stuff we do, but was more so upset that his friends not only make jokes about our relationship but now definitely know to a degree of how serious we are.

I explained how i was feeling by using the example of "if I had been having a conversation with my friends and accidentally told them I've seen you naked would you have any hard feelings or be upset to any degree about that." By saying that he realized how I felt and we continued to discuss how next time his friends are having those kind of conversations, he's going to pay more attention and consider how his answers might also effect me. Which made me feel better to a point, as it doesn't change what actually happened.

We have talked about how his friends are, and although I don't know if they've been disrespectful behind my back or anything I know the jokes they have made usually involve him and I having sex and him "getting lucky." When he told me one of his friends first question after seeing me was "so you fuck her yet" he told me he didn't know how to respond to that and I honestly didn't know how to either. Other than that comment, they haven't really said anything that made me uncomfortable, just feeling degraded. The fact that I've met them and hung around them a few times and they still can't remember my name is almost like they're intentionally calling me "___ hot girlfriend" because they know it annoys me. Also, to clarify, I don't have a problem with a few of his friends as they don't seem like the others. We also haven't hung out with any of those people since the amusement park incident where I called them out.

My social circle outside of him and his friends is normal. We're military so I have friends in multiple states that I still talk to, and have made several friends where we live now. My group of friends and his group of friends aren't the type of people to get along though. For example, his friends remind me of the popular stuck up pervy guys who think they can get any girl they want, while my friends are the quite and a small group of people that are the complete opposite.

Heather - I would love to hear about your similar situation and how you dealt with it! I think that would be helpful for me.

Since I've only hung around them roughly four times, I don't know them all that well. But I wouldn't say I "don't feel safe around them." They haven't made me feel like I was in danger, but I wouldn't say I'd trust them either. If someone asked about them I'd say they were disrespectful every time I've been around them, minus two or three people, and had the mentality of being better than those around them along with the arrogance of thinking they could get any girl they wanted. So basically a mix between them having a lower maturity level than he does, and not understanding why he's friends with them.

The only way I can really describe his group of friends is with the stereotypical one friend being popular and the other friend not so much. Both friends have their friends that join the group so it's a mix between good people that I'd get along with and befriend myself, and those who i'd completely avoid for being arrogant assholes. In other words, some of them are great people, that if I had met them when it was just them, I could see us being friends. While the others, if I had met them, I could see them hitting on me and me ignoring them for the mentality they have of being better and getting everything they want.

I don't think at all that my boyfriend is anything like his friends and he even agrees that he doesn't get along with a few of them. It's just individual people adding more people they're friends with to their big group. I know that might sound confusing, and I can try and explain it better if you'd like. For example one of his friends (one I get along with and could befriend myself) is really quite and doesn't hit on every girl he sees, is really nice and I have stuff in common with while also not feeling disrespected. He actually talked to me like I was a normal person, remembered my name and got to know me some when I first met him, gets along great with my boyfriend and they hang out a lot. While one of them that he doesn't get along with is the one who asked "so you fuck her yet" after just meeting me, didn't even bother to ask my name or talk to me other than "why are you dating him?" and "just because he invited you doesn't mean you had to come."

The very first day I met any of his friends, I was looking forward to it. He had met some of my friends, and I was looking forward to getting to know some of the people in his life. He had previously talked to me about some of them and they seemed like cool people from the random stories he told me, and I was not only disappointed in them for not at all being what he's described them as, but I felt bad that I didn't have anything good to say about any of them save for one. That entire time I felt completely unwanted and just wanted to leave right after meeting them.

[Heather]

You got it.

So, here's my experience like this: about ten years ago or so, I started dating someone new who I really liked. At the time, my world and circle of friends was primarily queer, creative and awfully crunchy. When I first met his two or three closest friends, I liked them a lot. Very different from my social circle at the time, but on the whole, pretty awesome, kind, cool people.

But then there was this party, which was kind of a "Heather is visiting, so let's invite ALL the friends over!" And the best I can do to describe the tenor of that evening and the larger group of friends as a whole would be if you'd put a frat house AND a basement gaming circle in a blender, and, in large part, putting more of the problematic bits of those worlds in and leaving what isn't a problem out. It was BAD. And I was really uncomfortable and freaked out.

The next day, I did my best to calmly explain -- we'd only been dating for around a month or so -- that I had pretty big concerns about what felt like his world, and if it was the kind of world I wanted to be more involved in or have as part of my life. In a word, I expressed concern that moving forward, I wasn't so sure we'd be the best fit if that group of people felt like a great fit for him AND was a group of people I'd need to be around. The value to anyone of friends and community means a lot to me, so I wanted to get that out there early, since I didn't want us to keep seeing each other and at any point have him feel like he couldn't keep his friendships or me feeling like I had to have people or certain social dynamics in my life I just really, really wasn't okay with.

(The talking to these people about sex part was a non-issue: I was in my thirties, and had long figured by then that people talk to their friends about their sex lives, so if I wasn't okay with that with someone, I shouldn't be sexual with them, plus, people talking about me and sex is kind of a given since sex and sexuality is my job. So, some big differences between you and I there, no doubt.)

It was a tough few discussions: we had more than one. But ultimately, the person I was seeing (I'm not anymore, but we have been the best of friends since and consider each other family) voiced that they, too, didn't feel so great about the dynamics of that group themselves, but they just did not know how to deal with it, call it out, or cut contact with people or groups they -- my own issues totally notwithstanding -- were not so fond of, either. Where we left that at the time was that we'd keep talking about it, we'd work together to set limits around who was in my world per there being a given that I was in no way ever obligated to see anyone who gave me the creeps or made me really uncomfortable. And we agreed we could keep talking about it and finessing as much as need be.

In the end -- really, only within a year or so of seeing each other -- this kind of resolved itself for the most part. For my partner, having someone else be real about those dynamics and some of those people, and having someone else for support and help with HOW to call things out, seemed to give him what he needed and had wanted before even meeting me to change things up and move on from friends or dynamics that were..well, just yucky and not -- like it sounds with your boyfriend -- really in alignment with the person he was, especially as he was growing as a person. He wound up making some adjustments in that social circle of his own volition and -- because he's an awesome person -- over the years, his whole circle shifted per his choices so that, as it turns out, even know, I really like and appreciate most of his friends, and some of them and myself still talk or see each other, despite myself and that person breaking up (amicably) years ago as romantic partners.

Looking back at it, aside of just not wanting to have to often be around people who seemed to treat me or others (or themselves) with a lot of disrespect, I'm sure my real issue was "If these are the people he chooses as friends, is HE the person I think he is, and the kind of person I want to get very close to and make a big part of my life? Is he really that different from these folks, and if so, why is he friends with them?" For me, it turned out that actually, he was pretty different from most of these people, but he had always had a hard time making friends or calling things out, so those challenges collided in a way that had him stuck, and just took time for him to work through and get better at.

Too, he has since thanked me for all of that many times over the years, for, in the way he'll usually word it, helping him do a better of job of surrounding himself with the kind of people who really support him in being the person he wants to be, not a person he doesn't like or feel good about in order to meet them where they were. So, in the long run, something that was really tricky and uncomfortable at the start turned into something where everyone benefitted and changes that were made were really positive.

I hear you, in your last post here, talking about something similar per actually really liking some of his friends, so it seems to me you can ask if THOSE are the folks you can hang out with together, mostly, and I also think it's fair to ask, moving forward, for limits on what he shares with people about you, including asking that he please NOT share things with people you simply feel are not trustworthy, and have shown you that when given that information, what they are most likely to do with it is to use it to demean you in some way. We get to ask for privacy in parts of our relationship.

It sounds like he, like my ex, might also feel clueless or powerless about how to call out things he himself does not feel good about, so that might be something to talk about too, including offering up help and support with that in ways you can give it. With friends like some you are describing, it can feel pretty scary to call them out because they are the kind of people who are likely to gang up and just amp the harassment, rather than dial it down or take responsibility. But having someone saying they will back you up can go a really long way.

Not sure if any of that was helpful, but there it is in case!

[ICantThink]

Heather - I found that very helpful actually. We have talked some about the people in his group he isn't really friends with and thinks are also rude and not the kind of people he hangs out with alone. He's usually only around those people if it's a huge group thing, but they don't talk or hang out outside of those times (which from the sounds of it aren't that often anyways)

After meeting his friends and knowing to a degree how they are, I can honestly say he isn't at all like them. Usually with past boyfriends they act differently when around their friends, but he didn't do that. He was still the same person he is when it's just me and him - minus the making out and/or few mushy moments we have - he didn't ignore me or completely change his personality.

As to the limits of what he says involving our relationship, he isn't the kind of guy to go around bragging about the things we've done or how far he's gotten in a sense of "guess what I did last night" or going into detail of anything. This has only happened once, and I do believe him when he says it was an accident, but it doesn't help knowing that his friends - who have already made jokes about him getting lucky - now have more to joke about or will likely ask for details. I think that if that were to happen, he wouldn't say anything but it wouldn't stop them from asking anyways. Like me, he also thinks that things that happen in our relationship are between him and I, not everyone else. So I've since calmed down some and am no longer as pissed as I was the other night. But thank you for answering and sharing your experience as well, it was very helpful.

[Heather]

So glad that was helpful, and you are feeling better!