I feel slutty for enjoying it and selfish for being scared

[Virginia]

I'm a 21 year old straight female and am currently in a very happy relationship with my boyfriend. This is the healthiest romantic relationship I've ever had and the only physically intimate relationship that has not been abusive. I was sexually abused when I was a preteen/young teenager by an older man and spent most of my teenage years being called a slut/whore by my peers. I never had sex-ed and was always told by my doctor and parents that young men will only want me for sex and good girls don't have sex before marriage. I have made the decision to not have sexual intercourse until marriage (specifically, no "baby-making" sex). My first boyfriend didn't like this and would be very emotionally and verbally abusive to me, and began being physically abusive towards the end of the relationship. He'd call me selfish for not wanting to have sex with him. He'd say I was ugly and that no one would ever want me unless I had sex with them. After that relationship, I spent the next year and a half being convinced I was asexual, horribly undesirable, and that the only men who would ever want me would be abusive and mean.

When I entered my current relationship, I realized for the first time that intimacy can be an enjoyable and very beautiful experience. For the first time in my life I've been able to kiss a guy without trying to think of the nearest weapon to grab to defend myself with. He's the first guy I've felt comfortable enough to explore my sexuality with. I've explained to him my fears, boundaries, desires, and limits, and he respects them without complaint. We have very good communication and don't ever push each other to do anything we're not comfortable with. So far, the farthest we've gone has been him fingering my, him performing oral sex on me, and me doing handjobs on him. I feel good with where we're at and how we're progressing. He's also told me that he is happy with where we're at.

I'm feeling a lot of stress, however, because I feel like I'm a selfish slut. I orgasm very quickly, usually within just a couple minutes of him fingering me or giving me oral sex. I also have a very high sex drive and always orgasm first. I know that's not something women should do. The fact that it's so easy for me to orgasm makes me think I'm just a slut. I've only recently begun feeling comfortable giving him handjobs and I think I'm really bad at it. I feel uncomfortable looking at him naked. It's not because I'm not attracted to him or I think anything's wrong with him. I just feel dirty when I do and when I think I may like it. I also think I'm selfish because he's very generous and good at doing things to me. I feel as if I should be going farther with him.

I know these thoughts aren't healthy though, and I want to find a way to work past them so we can have a happier and healthier relationship. I want to feel comfortable with how slow I take things and to stop feeling shame over enjoying sex. I've communicated these worries to my boyfriend and he's told me he values our time together more than sex and that he has no problem taking things slow and letting me decide when I do things. What else can I do to feel less selfish and less like a slut? Are there any books I can read or websites I can visit that may help me with this?

[Sunshine]

Hey there,

For starters, you could browse around the main site here. I am on my phone right now and so have trouble adding links, but I know there's a good article on sexual shame and I think there is one about this whole weird "slut" concept as well.

I am so sorry that you are struggling with these issues. You seem to have the right instincts and to know that how you feel about sex right now isn't particularly helpful or good for you and your relationship. I wish I could just tell you "sex is wonderful and healthy and so is having orgasms - of course you're not a slut (what is that, anyway?)" and "it's totally okay to have reservations about touching your boyfriend sexually and wanting to go slow - take your time", but I know that wouldn't really solve your problem.

You sound neither selfish nor "slutty" to me, that's for sure.

I am glad you can talk about this with your boyfriend and that he seems to respect your feelings. Btw, chances are pretty high that he actually enjoys your enjoyment. Has he ever said anything to that effect?

Wishing you lots of strength. If there's anything else I can say that might help, let me know .

[Sam W]

Hi Virginia,

It sounds like you're struggling with a lot of the cultural messages that people (and especially girls) get about sex, so it's no wonder you're feeling kind of stuck and conflicted. For instance, wanting sex a lot and orgasming quickly are just part of who you are as a sexual being. They don't make anyone slutty (and honestly, slutty is just a word people use to mean "woman who does a sexual/other behavior I do not approve of," so it's not a terribly useful concept). You're finally feeling safe enough with a partner to enjoy exploring your sexuality, which is great. Because honestly, as long as everyone is consenting, there's nothing wrong with people learning to enjoy their own and each other's bodies (and to second what Sunshine said: often, it's fun as a partner to know that the person you're being sexual with is enjoying themselves, so it's unlikely your boyfriend is upset by your enjoyment).

I also think these two articles can be a great starting point for helping you throw off some of the ideas you want to be rid of: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... xual_shame
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/gende ... _im_a_slut

[Heather]

I don't want to load too much on you, so I'll be brief, but would be happy to talk more about this with you.

I think it might be helpful to ask yourself what "slutty" even means to you, and, presuming it means something negative, why you -- not anyone else, just you -- feel that there's something negative about anyone enjoying their sexual lives and how their body responds to sex. Why would someone be better, or would it be more positive, for them NOT to enjoy themselves, or for their body NOT to respond positively to pleasure?

If and when we've internalized messages from elsewhere, we generally get the best start at gaining an awareness of what they are, how and if they're serving us, and what WE think, for ourselves, if we can ask ourselves questions like that that really make us have to think carefully and clearly about those messages, rather than just accepting them or presuming that because they're in our heads or our worlds, they are correct, right or sound.

[Virginia]

Thanks for answering, everyone. I really like the advice of really asking what being slutty actually means. If a "slut" is a woman who enjoys sex and wants it frequently (which I do and is why I call myself slutty), then by that logic the opposite must be a true. A "good and pure" woman must be someone who does not enjoy sex nor do they want sex. I suppose that means then, that having sex as a "good and pure" woman must be a highly unpleasant experience, because having sex when you neither enjoy it or want it is a really damaging and painful thing (I don't know if I could call it rape, but it kind of sounds like it). I guess the other option would be to just force myself to repress my sexual desires, which I actually did for a long time. We can all see how well that worked though! It wasn't fun and it did a lot of damage to me emotionally. In the end, I would rather enjoy sex and have it when I want it!

And anyway, why is it society's business what I do with my body in this regard? It's not like all these strangers whose judgement I fear are having sex with me. It's not like they're in the room watching us when my boyfriend and I are together. Really, the only person their judgement affects is them. They're the one's wasting their time judging me when they could be doing something productive with their time.

My boyfriend doesn't have a problem with how slow I'm taking things and he enjoys our time together. I also really enjoy our time together too. Since this is a long term relationship and both of us want this to lead to marriage, we have plenty of time to explore our sexualities and get comfortable with each other. In the meantime I'll try to continue the good communication between us and follow the advice given here.

Thanks, everyone!

[Snorkmaiden]

And anyway, why is it society's business what I do with my body in this regard? It's not like all these strangers whose judgement I fear are having sex with me. It's not like they're in the room watching us when my boyfriend and I are together. Really, the only person their judgement affects is them. They're the one's wasting their time judging me when they could be doing something productive with their time.

Quoted for truth and sheer awesomeness! This is so well said, I could stand up and give you a big applause for posting this.