I didn't "finish" during manual sex

[Gavin.33]

I'm 16, and a guy. The other day, I was with my girlfriend, and we were making out. The day before, we had talked about me fingering her for the first time. So I was excited that maybe the next time we made out, I'd get an opportunity to do so. I was probably over-thinking, but I was still pretty confident and excited. Anyways, I began to finger her, and I was very focused on making sure I was doing everything nice and smooth. Eventually, she put her hand down my pants and began to give me a hand job. She had done this before maybe twice, and each time I could feel myself seconds from finishing, and it felt amazing! I stopped each time though, because I was afraid of making a mess or grossing her out. But this time, I just didn't quite feel it. I mean, it obviously felt really good, but just not super pleasurable like it had in the past. I don't masturbate ever, so I'm not familiar with any pleasurable areas, but I did the best I could to tell her where to do what. How come I didn't climax or anything? At first, I thought that maybe I was a little too focused on making sure she was feeling pleasured, but then I stopped to see if it'd help with my situation. Nothing changed... What is the issue?

[Heather]

Sexual response of any kind -- whether we're talking about desire, erection, overall arousal, orgasm or ejaculation -- isn't something that always happens, or always happens the same way, just because someone is engaging in sexual activity. Even when that activity is something someone is really into and enjoying, a person isn't going to respond in a given way, including orgasm or ejaculation.

It's a lot like if we take a run or a hike, sometimes we'll get a flood of endorphins -- a chemical "high" from exercise -- and other times we won't, and that's not always about there being an issue so much as the fact that our bodies aren't machines and are very complex, so they just don't respond the same way to something all the time.

Mind, you've said here that you didn't find the activity all that pleasurable this time, and people reaching orgasm usually requires people experiencing a lot of pleasure and really enjoying themselves. You also said you didn't quite feel like you had your head in he game, as it were, and that, too, often creates a barrier to sexual response.

But I'm hearing -- especially since you made this post four different times here! -- what sounds like a lot of concern about this, when really, it shouldn't be any big whoop if we do or don't respond a certain way to anything sexual: it should be okay, always, for our bodies to just respond however we do. If you're having a lot of concern about this, do you want to talk about why you think that is?

[Gavin.33]

Thank you for responding, Heather. And sorry about the whole 4 different posts things... I didn't know how on top of responding you guys were. Anyways, the way you explained it makes a lot of sense and helps clear a few things up. I was nervous that either I had done something wrong or that maybe my partner would feel that she had done something wrong, but I guess that's not the case. I've had mostly romantic relationships in the past, so I'm pretty new to the whole sexual side of everything, and I want to make sure that I'm doing everything at least somewhat right.

So in summary, I was probably just a little preoccupied in making sure she enjoyed what I was doing. I tend to over think stuff, so that might've helped prevent me from allowing that to be the enjoyable activity it should. Thank you for the clarification and the quick response, and I will definitely be back here! I'll make sure to post just once, though.

[Heather]

Or, simply occupied! In other words, sometimes in sex with a partner we may find we're getting the most pleasure out of focusing more on their bodies than on our own. We can even find at times -- or our bodies can behave in ways that suggest -- that we feel satisfied by that all by itself.

I'd say that if you ever think you and any sexual partner need reminding that the goal is pleasure and just having an experience together, not orgasm, and that orgasm isn't "proof" of either of you being a good partner or enjoying yourselves, it certainly never hurts to have that conversation. because sometimes people do treat orgasm like some kind of goal or proof and can feel insecure if it doesn't happen, even though that really isn't sound.

[Gavin.33]

Wow, you were reading my exact thoughts! While I was trying to pleasure her, I was really focused on causing her to orgasm. She didn't, and it's kind of been bothering me. She's been telling me that it's totally fine and she still absolutely loved it. Now it'll be easier to belive that, and to feel confident about myself.

Next time, I won't be so worried about making sure I'm doing everything right. So hopefully, it'll allow me to enjoy the moment more, and feel more pleasure.

[Gavin.33]

I also just thought if another quick question. Other than masturbation, how can I better understand my body and the more satisfying points of it?

[Heather]

That's really one of these things where we just gain more knowledge and experience as we grow, and engage in sexual (and sensual) activity, by ourselves and with partners. It tends to take a good deal of time -- many years, and really, forever, especially since our bodies and selves are always changing -- but it's something that also should be fun and interesting, rather than feeling like homework or a chore.

So, you'll just have the experiences you have with your body, sexual and otherwise, and observe as you go!

If you want somethings to read that gives some general information about this and gives you a starting point for more reading, this piece is probably a good fit for you: With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body.

[Heather]

I'd add that when it comes to doing things "right" sexually with a partner, what really matters are just things like being attentive, communicative and responsive to what's communicated and what you observe; being creative and relaxed (that doesn't mean not being excited, mind, just more being cool and not anxious, stressed or task-mastery); being accepting and kind of the other person, their body and their sexuality, being affectionate, respectful and caring, and seriously, just being yourself.

When people do all that, everyone involved tends to enjoy themselves, and even when they don't, will still tend to have good experiences that everyone feels good about, safe in, and okay with. And when people do all that, that's usually how they do experience pleasure together most, and the kind of stuff that makes someone inclined to come back for more.

[Gavin.33]

Yeah, I definitely don't have a problem with lack of communication or anything, because I understand how important that is in all aspects of a relationship. I just tend to overthink a lot of stuff, so that habit was probably causing me to be a little anxious.
I do have one thing regarding communication though... My girlfriend isn't necessarily the best at that. I'll ask her how she feels about a certain sexual activity, and she usually gives some sort of answer like "Sure, as long as you like it." But I want to know how she feels. She isn't the most open with her feelings and stuff, but I want her to be open with me, and not afraid to tell me how she feels. Do you have any ideas of how I could help her feel more open with me?

[Heather]

It sounds like you have the start of that conversation right here!

In other words, how about asking her if you can talk about sexual communication, then say something like, "I feel like I don't always know how you feel about sexual things I suggest we do. You'll usually say that it's okay with you if I like it, but I really want to know what YOU like, too. Is there anything I can do to make it easier for you to give me more information about what you like, and support you in feeling able to tell me about you and what you want, separate from what I want and like?"

Sound good?

[Gavin.33]

Yeah, I'll probably have to talk with her about that soon, and try to help her feel more comfortable. Honestly, I'm excited because it's so opportunity for us to grow closer!

Thank you so much for all of this help! For someone who is quite clueless about most things sex related, this website is an excellent tool. I will make sure to keep all of this advice in mind.

[Heather]

It might also just take some time, especially if, like you, she's also new to this. Too, I'd add that a lot of women were socialized as girls -- and still as women, even when they're much older -- to believe that if and when they're with male partners, sex is really all about the dudes, what the dudes want, and if you want things of your own, it's not okay, is "slutty," or otherwise something to keep to yourself. So, it can also take some time for anyone sexually socialized like that to start to unlearn that pile of hooey.

But building trust and communication with a sexual partner, just like with any other kind of relationship, is an ongoing process. We want to always do what we can to facilitate that, like with these kinds of conversations, but we also want to make sure we're leaving room for it to just take the time it does.

You're so welcome! This is why we're here.

[Heather]

Oddly enough, just saw this piece cross my desk today that might also be handy for this conversation: http://www.theestablishment.co/2015/12/ ... nt-in-bed/