Struggling and venting.

[SilentDragon]

Trigger Warning: this post contains discussion of sexual abuse.

I'm dealing with a lot of stuff right now, and I think I just need to vent about all of it. Any advice would be welcome, though.

I think the first place to start my venting/rant is with the fact that I haven't been able to do any of the self-help stuff I want to and should be doing. I have been trying to get counseling for my experience with sexual abuse (though not as proactively as I should be), but I keep having telecommunications difficulties with contacting the organization my gynecologist recommended. I only yesterday learned of a second local organization, and I'll try to get in touch with them instead. I also am having trouble joining clubs at my university because most of the clubs I want to join have meeting times when I have class or are 3 or more hours after my last class, which would require that I stay on campus (I'm a commuter student) for that additional amount of time.

So, I've been noticing that my emotions about my recent and past abusive relationships, particularly the one I just got out of, keep fluctuating and shifting and changing and reverting to my original feelings, which I have read is normal. It's just that now my brain is doing this not-so-fun thing where it's making the emotional associations of (male)partner=abuse and sex=rape, and I'm struggling to uncouple them. I'm also having trouble ridding my head of related cultural ideas like "you must have sex in a romantic relationship" and "all partners with penises will be intercourse-focused," as well as some low self-esteem-based ideas like "you won't be able to find a partner who makes a good fit because you aren't talkative or pretty." All of which I know are false, but it's like I don't have enough mental rat poison or the rats keep developing resistance to it.

Simultaneously, I've been feeling extremely lonely now that school has started back up and I'm around people again (which tends to make me feel more lonely than when I'm completely alone). And all I really want right now is to just be held, but I really don't know where or how to get that sort of physical comfort, or any sort of emotional equivalent, right now, and I don't really have anyone in my life, that I know of, where I can go for that sort of comfort. I'm assuming that counseling will help with this stuff, but as I don't have that right now, I'm really just struggling.

Another problem I have to deal with is that my mother recently said that if I don't get a job, she's going to "turn off [my] cellphone," which I need for private communications with doctors, school services, and friends, and it is my main connection to the internet at home, where the wi-fi almost never works. Now, it's entirely possible that she's making an empty threat, because she almost never follows through on her threats, but it's still stressing me out. The problem is that I really don't feel mentally or emotionally capable of taking on another responsibility/obligation at this time, and I know that is not something my mother would understand as she is constantly going and doing and rushing. Plus, just feeling that way about getting a job brings me up against a whole different bunch of cultural norms and ideas, which is another issue entirely, and I won't go into it now.

This last problem may also be unrelated to the topics of this website, but it's causing me a lot of anxiety, so I'm going to vent about it anyway: I don't know what career I want to have after I graduate this spring, but I do know that all the things I'm considering involve more schooling and all of them have applications (and associated financial aid applications) that need to be sent in relatively soon, and I'm also worried because I won't have a "well rounded" application because I chose to focus on school and being with my friends and didn't get a job or do any extracurricular activities for pretty much my entire college career. On top of that, my parents keep yelling at me because I haven't decided (because yelling at me will totally make me decide faster ). I really just don't know what to do about any of that at all, because what I need is more time to make that decision, especially more time when I'm not majorly stressing out and anxious about how very lonely I am or what my [insert your favorite swear word here] ex-boyfriend did to me or how my mother is threatening to cut off my ability to get in touch with people unless I do something I really can't deal with right now or all my upper-division science classes, which is really not something I ever have.

Sorry if any of that was jumbley; it's just how I'm feeling right now.

[Peonies]

It sounds like you have a lot on you right now. I know from experience that sometimes life throws so much at us at once that we can barely catch our breath. I have been under a lot of stress recently concerning a career as well as anxiety and panic attacks triggered by a past problem I dealt with. I feel like we have similar things going on so if you need to talk, I will gladly listen!

You mentioned that your doctor recommended some organizations that might help you with your past abuse, and I hear you saying you are pretty swamped with school and things. Does your campus offer anything in the way of an on-campus counseling? I ask because the therapist that I currently see, is the one that I started talking to on my campus while in college (I graduated last year). My therapist would meet with me when I had a free moment, even if it was for just 20 minutes. Some campuses offer things like this, so its worth checking into (if you haven't).

One thing I can identify with is the career situation. I graduated with an art degree as well as a teaching certificate and have been unable to find a teaching job in my area. I have been really down about being turned down from several jobs. I really stressed out over not finding anything and not knowing what my back-up plan was. I can tell you that things will become more clear for you. You will find something that fits, even if you don't know what it is right now. I was in your position just a year ago and things have worked out. Not exactly how I picture, but I am doing OK and I am no longer stressing over the job situation.

You also say you feel more lonely around lots of people. I can also identify with you there. I feel less lonely when I am alone for sure. I am an only child and I think maybe that is part of it.

And, I have also dealt with an abusive partner who now makes it a bit harder for me to be intimate with my current partner. I am working on this and making slow progress, but in my almost 4 years of talking to my therapist we have chipped away at my fears and anxiety. I am really starting to feel better. Just know that although the road can be long, there is hope!

[Heather]

I'm sorry you're struggling so much, Silent Dragon.

First up: what can we, as a community and an organization, do to help you in getting the self-care you clearly want, and know you need, but are having challenges making happen? Think about it for a bit if you like, and come back with some practical helps you think we could provide to make this more within reach for you.

I'm having a bit of a conflict in terms of addressing some of this, because of the issue of how your parents are behaving. There are things I'd suggest for you to think about or consider, but if doing anything that gets you yelled at isn't something you feel resilient with right now (and I think it'd sure be tough to in your circumstances) or able to do anyway, I'm not sure how to go about this. Which, from what I can tell, is pretty much how you're feeling, too.

The other tricky bit is that they want you to get a job, which you don't feel up to, but for you to get out of your home -- and into a healthier environment for yourself, which I think would be step one, if possible, right now, IMO -- you'd have to get money, which means a job. So, once place I can think of to start would be is how much you think a lot of this could be and feel differently if this was all about your choices and what you felt good about, and with no threat of yelling or withholding of any of your major needs? In other words, if you could live somewhere else and be independent right now, do you think that would be positive?

Or, is some of this that you just do not feel up to doing what that, and some of this other stuff, would require of you, so as much as the home-sitch sucks, it feels less scary, or you feel more able to deal with it?

Relatedly, my suggestion per college feeling rushed, and not like something you're even sure of right now, was going to be to ask if you had thought about giving yourself a gap year? They can be a very great thing (I did it myself, mostly for financial reasons, but it turned into a really great personal growth year and a much-needed rest from the big demands of my schooling before), and being able to give yourself, like a gift, a year dedicated to just taking care of yourself, giving yourself time to just be you without having to have answers to who you will be (if you follow), and having some freedom and responsibility to experience, might be fantastic for you.

[Redskies]

SilentDragon, just wanted to say that I'm hearing you struggling with a combination of things at the moment, and that each of those things are mostly making dealing with all the other things harder; I really, really feel you on that, and sending you the warmest of wishes on finding the best way through you can.

[SilentDragon]

Okay, so I know it's been a while since I wrote the above post but I would still like to thank you for your support and kind words towards me and my issues.

As to why it's taken this long to reply (and I'm sorry if it was an issue), I guess the best way to describe it is that when my brain overloads on negative thoughts and emotions (like it was doing when I made this thread), it sort of blocks them and goes elsewhere (in the escapist sense) and stays there for a while. I'm not really sure why this happens or even if it's a conscious decision. And for whatever reason it/they/I resurface, it just makes me feel like I've lost a lot of time that I could've spent more productively. This isn't exactly a new occurrence for me. But at this point I just want it to stop so I can focus on getting my life on track.

Obviously, I should see a therapist for this and all of my other still unresolved issues, but that has recently become more challenging as the closest place I know of (and possibly the only one in the area) is about to close. I have seen my on-campus counselor in the past but didn't find her helpful, but that might've been because I didn't explain everything to her at the time because I hadn't had enough time to trust her. The other problem being that I don't have a car trustable enough to drive longer distances nor do I have the money to pay for the gas to get there. Of course there's also the problem of explaining why I want to see a therapist to my parents so that the visits would get covered by our insurance.
...Sigh.

To answer Heather's questions, I could use help finding a therapist, counselor, or psychologist. Is there anywhere online I could go if I can't find anyplace local? (Does such a thing even exist?) Something I can always use more of, though, is being told that the bad behavior of those around me is indeed bad behavior. I could also use some tips for spotting that sort of behavior for what it is. I could also use advice on how to talk to people I don't really know in order to befriend them (I've been afraid to do so all my life), as I know that's been causing me frustration as well. (And yes I know therapy would help with that too.)

As for the other questions, I've thought for a while now that not living with my parents would be a good thing for me. But I still don't know if I would be able to do so and still do well in school. Plus I'm concerned that I'd have to live somewhere in the bad part of town, though that would depend on however much money I would make at whatever job I find. Speaking of jobs, the potentially not having a phone issue has been resolved at least for now ('twas once again an empty threat on my mother's part). Though I'm starting to think I probably should get a job soon, just so I would have a little more control over my life.

Also, I do think taking a year off from school would be a great idea. Though I'm a little concerned that I'll miss scholarship opportunities if I do so. (Even though I still have no idea what I want to do.) Also, I have no idea how to bring that up with my parents. I think they will not be at all supportive of that idea. And I don't think I'll have enough time to to start living on my own before I need to apply to schools.

Any further advice on those would be helpful.

[Sam W]

Hi Silentdragon,

So glad to hear from you! I can't tackle all of your questions, by I have some thoughts on a number of them.

To start with the "bad behavior" and making friends thing. It may help to think of it as avoiding behaviors (or people) who make you uncomfortable. And that can be for whatever reason. "Bad" is pretty subjective, which can make it hard to try to gauge. What's more reliable is "how do I feel right now? Am I okay with the types of conversations or actions going on, or are my shoulders gradually creeping up around my ears." Take it from someone who has bailed on parties full of people she liked because the situation felt increasingly out of control.

As for the befriending, start with a pleasant tone and common ground. That can be a class you're in with the person, a book you saw them reading, that cool t-shirt they have that features a reference you get, etc. Try chatting with them a few times (assuming they're not in the middle of reading a book or have ear-buds jammed in their ears or other signs of "no, not in mood for talking"). You'll either not click with them, in which case they stay "pleasant acquaintance, or you start to build a rapport with them. If you seem to be getting along, try for a concrete hang-out, like getting coffee or fro-yo, or having a study party. The initial contact can be hard if you tend towards the shy end, but it really is worth it.

You can also explore clubs and meet-ups in the place where you and see if there's anything that looks cool or fun to you. You might meet people with shared interests, some of whom may turn out to be friend material. And, if nothing else, you get to go out and do a fun thing.

I want to also urge you to go for the job. It may take some schedule adjustment, but having that money , and the ability to move out, is going to let you feel more in control of your life. Plus, being able to get out of a stressful home life can work wonders on your mental state. You may be able to connect with some work resources through the school which would, hopefully, be student friendly.

[Redskies]

From what you've described of your home situation, I think that living somewhere else would probably be a good priority for you. It's nearly impossible for any of us to become more healthy in an environment that's unhealthy for us and actively unsupportive. I appreciate that getting another place to live comes with its own set of challenges, but even so, I think that direction holds lots of possibilities for progress for you, while staying where you are sounds like it's very limiting on any progress.

When you say your mind blocks negative feelings and goes elsewhere, that sounds like you're describing dissociation. That's a fairly common reaction to trauma; basically, it's a coping technique, where the brain finds some kind of solution to something that it's not yet able to process. Obviously, if it happens when we don't want it to, if it happens almost by default in particular contexts or times, or if it disrupts our life, it's no longer serving us and it's become an unhelpful thing itself. People usually like to try some grounding techniques to help stay more connected and not zone out so much or for so long - would you like to know more about some of those?

[SilentDragon]

SamW: By the bad behavior comment, I meant that I often feel like it's my fault or problem when other people are giving me a hard time about something that they really shouldn't be going on about (and/or are being controlling), and I could use advice on how to not internalize that stuff. And I guess part of my problem is that I feel generally uncomfortable around most people (I'm pretty sure I have social anxiety), so it's not always easy for me to judge using that criteria. Also, I'm not really sure how to leave the situation if it's someone I live with causing the problem.

By the way, thanks for the "how to start a conversation" tips; they seem pretty useful. I could also use tips on how to keep a conversation going, as conversations I have with people I don't know well always end up drifting into awkward silence, even if they started okay.

Redskies: So I looked up dissociation, and while I think the term I was really going for was maladaptive daydreaming, there are absolutely dissociative elements to it. And I would love to know about the grounding techniques you refer to.


Also, any advice on how to have the "I want to take some time off from school" conversation with my parents, as that will have to occur really soon, and it will not be an easy conversation. In the meantime, I'll definitely see what I can do about a job.

[Sam W]

Hi Silentdragon,

Ah, okay, I get what you mean. In instances where "get the heck away from them" is not an option, one trick to try is mentally adding "you think" to the end of whatever they say. It helps keep it in perspective in your mind, reminding you that nothing they're saying is somehow a written in stone fact. I swiped that tip, BTW, from a blog called "Captain Awkward." I'm not sure if I've mentioned them to you before, but the blog might be worth a read for you. There's a lot of advice there about boundaries, dealing with mean or unpleasant people, and just how to get along socially if you're someone who finds that trickier to do.

As for needing to leave the situation when it's someone you live with who's making it stressful, you can leave by giving a reason. That can be "I'm going to walk/drive/bike to the library" or "I need to go to the store to go grab milk from the store, I think we're out" or "I need to go work on X thing for a bit." You have a better sense than I do, of course, about which type of excuses are more or less likely to work on the people you're dealing with. But anything to get you out, even for five or ten minutes, can help.

On the keeping conversations going, the hard thing is that it takes practice. There will likely be awkward pauses here and there, but keep at it. One way to head off the awkward is to have multiple stock conversations in your back pocket ("what's your major?" allowed me to talk to many people when I was in college). The other tip I have is to ask people questions about themselves. People love to talk about themselves or stuff they like (generally speaking) so if you give them an opening to do so, it can be easier to keep talking with them.