Is it possible to actually fully Enjoy sex... and not have a baby?

[magentakitty]

Hi,
I've asked a few questions before. A month or so ago, I had a pregnancy scare, as I use the fertility awareness method with a male barrier or withdrawal and we failed to use it on a potentially fertile day. Well, the stress delayed ovulation, so I ovulated 4 days late, and got my period after a normal luteal phase 2 days after Christmas... of course we are now in that time when we need to be protecting again and it is yucky.

So... we are still struggling to find a method that works for us. We never had PIV sex until we were married 8 months ago, and it's really a drag and a part of us is tempted to use nothing, but we know that's not responsible. Birth control places a damper on our sex life... it's SO frustrating. The dilemma- we seriously can't use any methods!!! This hinderance makes us tempted to take risks in order to have good sex. We waited so long for it, and want it to be good.

I cannot be on hormones- i feel bad on them and prefer not to stop my body from doing its thing. I really wanted to use a female barrier, but was told by 2 different professionals i'm too small. The fitting was before I was married, before i had ever had intercourse and barely wore tampons (I do now) so I made an appointment next week at a midwife to try a fitting one more time. Not sure if it was due to being a virgin or not. Hopefully this works. My husband struggles with delayed ejaculation and lowered sensitivity so condoms are a poor option for him and make him LESS sensitive, which is the opposite of what we want- it actually took months to get him to finish inside of me during penis in vagina sex... now that he can ( took lots of communicating like you said in another post... it's been getting better and better) we both love it and hate for him to pull out. It ruins our intimacy. And we don't want an IUD (both health reasons and religious reasons).

Obviously our best option is a female barrier. I am hoping that something changed, cause I really want one. We may be open to having a baby within the next 2 years (and long for this at some point in the not crazy far away future, but we just don't feel ready now)... yet I don't want our reasoning to be because we hate birth control- i want to do it because we are at the place where we truly Want a baby and i don't want our decision to be overpowered by our overwhelming desire for awesome sex. Seriously the only time we have great sex is during my period, since we are unprotected. Oh and to make FAM more frustrating (love FAM to get to know my body- it's fascinating and I have learned so much- but it's frustrating dancing our sex life around my hormones)... i have a huge nose dive in my sex drive after ovulation right when we can go unprotected. Kinda a mean joke! So we can't have great sex when i want it, other than my period (yes, gross, but we totally carpe diem! It's the only time it's good and we take full advantage...) Should it be like this? Should birth control be such a cramp on our sex life?? I have little sexual experience so maybe that's how it is... maybe it's supposed to not be as good as UP sex, and that's a given (or else biologically no one would have motivation to make babies). I'm not sure.

Any advice? Do you know of women who cannot be fitted for female barriers and how this can be overcome? This method really seems like the best for our situation, and it's such a shame we might not be able to use this!!

[Sam W]

Hi soccerchic,

I'm glad to hear you're giving a the female barrier another try. I may have mentioned this before, but have the two of you tried the "female" condom? It provides the same amount of protection as a standard condom, but is a different material and fit, so would feel differently on his end.

Beyond that, have you two tried just going slow and really enjoying being in the moment with the kind of sex that you are comfortable with? What I mean is, instead of wishing it was PIV, or thinking that it should be more mind blowing than it feels, focus on how it feels to be with each other in the moment. That exploration and pleasure can be part of the fun of partnered sex, if that makes sense.

[magentakitty]

Thank you and I am short on time right now so I will respond to the rest of your question later.

I have one more question about the diaphragm. I want the best chances to have a successful fitting (given I had 2 unsuccessful ones due to small size before I had had sex, so i'm hoping that played a role in why I couldn't be fitted with the smallest size since we'd really love to try this method)... Do you think it matters when in my cycle I get fitted? I know the cervix changes shape (more open) and is softer around ovulation, when I'd wear it anyway. Do you think it matters and I'd have a better chance of fitting then? I ask because I scheduled the first available appointment at the midwife, next Thursday, but I realized that I'm going to likely be a few days post ovulation, and was wondering if you think it would be beneficial to reschedule the appointment.

[Heather]

So, just FYI, diaphragms that even require fittings are going the way of the Dodo. What's coming up on the market are over-the-counter diaphragms that just come in just one or two sizes, like menstrual cups tend to: one for people who have had a vaginal birth, and other for those who have not. These new kinds will fit around 80% of people, and those it probably won't are those on the larger end of the traditional diaphragm sizing end, not the smaller (IOW, which are those who likely have not had multiple births). Their design is also more sound than the round type when it comes to getting them in and out.

This is the one that was cleared for US use by the FDA near the end of 2014: http://www.caya.eu/en/ I'd ask your healthcare provider about it, rather than asking them to do a traditional fitting for an old-style diaphragm.

Diaphragms that ARE fitted, FYI, aren't about the cervix: the fitting is instead about the topography of the back of the vaginal canal on the outside, not what's inside of it.

And as Sam mentioned, if there's an in-the-meantime here, if you haven't tried out inside/female condoms, I'd second that suggestion. They really are a very different critter than outside/male condoms, especially for people with a penis who find that outside/male condoms don't work at all for them per how they feel or sexual response, since this kind of condom isn't actually on the penis, at all. Instead, it's inside the vaginal canal, just sort of lining that canal: it doesn't grip the base or the shaft of the penis in any way the vagina itself isn't. They're also non-latex, so they conduct heat better than latex male condoms, something some people find makes a difference with their sexual response and pleasure.

[magentakitty]

So an update... i ended up getting re-fitted for the diaphragm and it seems i have stretched out a bit because they were able to fit me for the smallest size (i had 2 unsuccessful fittings last year before having penetrative intercourse). Yet, i had trouble finding anyone to actually get the device from (live in the US and i think we'd have to order from Europe- sad how these devices are so uncommon to find it seems), and we've been quite happy enough lately with just fertility awareness, and him pulling out my fertile week (it's not as fun, but we are kinda used to it, sometimes he pulls out)... so far so good. It's natural, and apparently it's almost as effective as condoms. Also it's a good method for us, because it's very reversible and we DO want to get pregnant maybe in early 2017 (we've talked about using nothing at that point)... and it requires and builds communication and trust. He trusts me to chart my cycles and give him reliable data, and I trust him to pull out. If it "failed" we'd be blessed tho . Here is an article I stumbled upon about the pull out trend. http://nymag.com/thecut/2013/09/pill-no ... tter_nymag. From what i understand it's pretty effective but better if pregnancy is not your worst fear. For us, we'd be almost as happy if we were, although financially and logistically it wouldn't be the best move, so that's why we are waiting a year or to be whatever.

[Redskies]

Obviously it's up to you if you want to get a diaphragm shipped from Europe. If it's a thing you want, I'm glad you've found a way to get it, even if that includes a relatively long delivery time!

If you're feeling happy with fertility awareness and withdrawal, and those methods are going well for you, that's great. Used properly, fertility awareness is indeed very effective: it just takes commitment to doing it every day and being very organised and careful with it, and is a Lot more unforgiving than most methods of any kind of mistake. Withdrawal, too, is effective when it's done properly every time - and that's the thing, doing it properly every time. A lot of people - especially younger people, our userbase - find it difficult to use reliably, and again, it's very unforgiving of mess-ups. That's why there's such a striking difference in its perfect use rate (96%) and its typical use rate (as low as 73%), as you can see in our own Withdrawal information. (Condoms have a better typical effectiveness rate: so yes, in laboratory-standard conditions, withdrawal and condoms are pretty similar, but in practice - which is the important bit, really - condoms result in less pregnancies. For most people, STI protection is important, too.) We don't advise withdrawal as a sole method because at 73% typical use effectiveness, and its effectiveness being entirely up to the person with the penis, that's not a good option for the overwhelming majority of our users. It can certainly be a good option as a second method, teamed with something else, though.

(I do have an issue with that article's "Condoms are kind of the worst, they all agree" - granted, "they" is the author's friends, so sure, perhaps that's what they all think, but it ends up sounding way more universal, which then becomes not true at all. Condoms generally being crappy and undesirable is a myth that needs to go away.)