Boyfriend too anxious about my orgasm

[AloneAlien]

I am a 21 year old woman. I have been in a relationship for some time now. My boyfriend is the same age as I am but he has a lot more sexual experience than I do. I lost my virginity to him last year and it was great. I am comfortable with him both physically and mentally. I haven’t had an orgasm yet but I am fine with that. I am still learning the ropes and taking it slow. But recently, I have noticed that this is causing some anxiety for my boyfriend. We spend a good amount of time on foreplay. He started saying that maybe I can do some things so I would orgasm even though I had no anxiety about not having an orgasm. So, we started trying new positions. Before we would only use the missionary position. We have tried doggy style and frankly it kind of made me tired. Last month, we tried the position where I am on top but as I have said I am still learning the ropes. It didn’t go as planned. My boyfriend lost his erection. He was embarrassed. He didn’t blame me. In fact, he said the upcoming finals had made him tense. But it has been awkward since then. He has talked about what other things I can do to orgasm but his losing his erection made me a bit worried that he is putting too much pressure on himself to please me. On one hand I am so glad that I had my first sexual experience with such a considerate man. But on the other hand his moroseness is making me anxious. I am worried about my pleasure to please him! I guess what I want to know is, how can I help him not be so anxious about my orgasms.

[Mo]

You can't really manage his anxiety; that's something he has to do for himself. But it sounds like this is something you may want to spend some more time talking about (at a neutral time, not right in the middle of sex). Perhaps you can talk to him about reframing sex as something that's focused on shared intimacy & pleasure, without orgasm necessarily being the end goal. If there are different things you're both interested in trying, that's great - it could be that orgasm is easier to achieve through something you haven't tried yet. But if you aren't interested in things your boyfriend suggests, that's ok too. Experimentation together can be fun, but only if it's something you're both excited about.

This article is one that y'all might both find helpful: Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide

[AloneAlien]

Mo, Thank you! You're right I can't do anything about his anxieties. Me and my BF do need to talk more about orgasm not being the goal of sex. It's just that I am happy with him and I want him to be happy too. His embarrassment at losing his erection made me sad. The article is helpful. Gave me a lot to think about.

[Redskies]

Perhaps it might help to try to be very explicit to your boyfriend that "great sex" isn't the same thing as "everyone has an orgasm", and that orgasms aren't a necessary part of great sex? It's a very individual thing, and certainly some people - like you at the moment - don't want or need an orgasm in order to have great sex, either sometimes or always. It's really good that your boyfriend is so concerned and so invested in your pleasure and enjoyment! It's sounding like he needs to start using a different framework for that, though, one that's "AloneAlien is having a great time and is really happy" rather than "AloneAlien has an orgasm", otherwise the end result is going to be you actually having less of a good time. Sometimes people need a little time to get their heads round that, especially if they're not used to that kind of framework, but someone who cares about your pleasure and well-being will start trying to get their head around it.

People with penises can often feel embarrassment about loss of erection. It's a shame, really, because it's just bodies being bodies and sometimes bodies don't physically do what we want them to, and it's no big deal; but unfortunately there's a bunch of ideas in popular culture that a penis-having person should always be raring to go in order to be a good lover, and anything other than that is some kind of failure. It sounds like you responded really well by not making it any kind of big deal and being very relaxed about it.

There's all kinds of different sexual things that can give a lot of pleasure that don't involve an erect penis and/or intercourse - that's a pice of the puzzle which it also sounds like he may be missing at the moment. You both might find interesting and benefit from these pieces:
What's Sex?
Yield for Pleasure