How to help a friend?

[Atonement]

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine opened up to me about an abusive family situation that she is still in. I’m proceeding the best way I know how, but I’m not sure if it’s enough.

This friend is in her mid-twenties and still lives at home with her mother and stepfather. Her stepfather sexually abused her as a child, but quit when she outed him to some extended family members, however her mother chose not to believe her. After that the physical abuse stopped, although he will make comments every couple years that make it seem like he periodically “tests the waters” to see if he can get away resuming it.

Her mother is also verbally abusive, and frequently body shames and berates my friend, but is “nice enough” to her in between. My friend has also been raised to be as dependent as possible on her parents, so even though she is in her mid twenties and is nearly finished with college, she doesn’t have ANY money of her own and has the life skills of an average teenager about a decade younger than her.

She is isolated and made to feel incapable, she hasn’t been able to have any romantic relationships and only developed some of her first real friendships (with myself and a few others) in the last couple years.

She confessed all of this to me a few weeks ago, and we had a long conversation about getting out. She seemed to understand the importance at the time, but since that talk she has kind of gone back to pretending everything is normal, including making normal family-ish comments about her abuser to me like we don’t both know that he s abusive and everything is normal. Even though she is graduating and will be employed in just a few months, she still sometimes makes comments about finding jobs near home like she’s going to stay.

I have never been good with denial. Now that I know this, I will never stop worrying about her or hoping that she someday has the strength to remove herself from this mess. It takes a lot of effort for me not to to beg her to move out every time she mentions her parents.

I have been encouraging, offering her an ear and a place to stay if she needs it. On one hand, I feel like she has NO ONE on her side and that it is incredibly important that I help her get out. On the other hand, I worry that her parents did too good of a job brainwashing her and that if I try too hard she’ll just pull away from me and then she won’t have anyone who is supportive on her team again.

So, how do I handle this in a way that is as helpful as possible without scaring her off and without disrespecting her right to make her own decisions?

[Sam W]

Hi Atonement,

I think it's very sound of you to realize that coming on to forcefully around this issue could cause your friend to distance herself from you. What you can do is what it sounds like you may already be doing. Validating her feelings that things are not okay and letting her know you're there if you need her. It may also help to make clear what kind of help you can offer. If you can give her a place to stay if she needs it, be a source of transportation, etc, let her know that (and any boundaries that exist for you around the help you can give).

Do you know if your university offers any resource for students who have been assaulted? Because that might be a good resource for her to investigate. If not, you might also encourage her to talk to a counselor on campus about the situation at home (if she isn't already) as they can also help her plan and maybe help uninstall some of the buttons her family has planted in her.

[Atonement]

Thanks, It does help to know that I'm doing the best I can.

Our school doesn't offer any specific resources for assault, but they do offer counseling. I actually recommended my old therapist (who she can see for free a long as she's a student). Unfortunately, I didn't get the impression that she would go through with it. I hope I'm wrong, though.

[Redskies]

It can take some considerable time for someone to be able to mentally extricate themself from an abusive houshold, particularly if that household is one they grew up in and/or they have little belief in their own competence. She may have made a very big step by talking so openly with you, and that really means something, it matters, even if she's not yet able to act on it.

It might help you to find more peace with this process and the time it'll likely take by remembering that your journey with her situation, and her journey, are two very different journeys. You've heard her story - or at least, this part of it - and it's very clear to you that her household is harmful to her and she'd be safer away from it; I think you probably know from personal experience that it's very different on the inside of something like that, that there are so many different feelings and complexities. I think it can be hard when we've been through it and got out ourselves, look back and know how much better off we are away; but we know that now, and we still had to go on our own journey to reach that point and build our own vehicle to get out of there.

Other things that can help in situations like this is to focus on what she can do, why you like her as a friend, what good qualities or experiences she brings to your life. It can't and doesn't change things overnight, but it's a really important contrast to the unvalued/unworthy/helpless/incompetent feelings that an abusive situation usually creates. Getting different, positive messages can bring in chinks of light and other possibilies over time. It should be genuine and real, obviously. I think it's very much worth saying because sometimes, it can be too easy to slip into a regular framework where they're the one who needs help, needs saving, is a mess, is hopeless, etc - especially if that's a role that's already been assigned to them and they're already so used to they wear it like a favourite jumper. Take care to relate with her and express to her - not necessarily in a very full-on way, but in a clear way - the ways in which she is somebody and she's valued and needed and matters and she is capable, and that's both a gift you can give her and an important part of keeping your friendship a true, healthy friendship with balance and equity.

[Atonement]

Hi, Redskies, sorry for the late response.

I think you're right about how being on the "other side" of that kind of situation makes it really, really hard to see other people go through it.

I just keep thinking of how rough it was for me, and I "got out" at 21. So, that means she's been going through it even longer and with no sign of stopping.

I keep thinking about what a comfortable, peaceful life I have now. Sure, it has ups and downs like any other life, and there are still things I might choose to change. But a life without abuse is just SO much better, and it bothers me that she may never get to experience that.

You gave a lot of good suggestions and I will definitely put them into practice. Thank you!