My sister was assaulted and I don't know how to be there for her.

[12Then5]

I heard that one in six girls are assaulted by the time they're out of college. I used to take solace in the fact that I was the one and my sister was part of the other five.

Backstory: This feels so cliche, but my mom was a college-educated doctor who married beneath her; a man who was trailer trash with only a high school diploma and a drinking problem. She worked long hours to support him while he sat on the couch drinking and watching sports on TV, beating her when he was angry and spending her into debt when he was in a good mood. When she finally lost her job when I was about three or four, a friend from college offered her a job out of state, and she left me and my sister with my dad while she moved ahead to get a house. During those five to six months while mom was away and I was "daddy's favorite" in the house... yeah.

Thankfully mom kicked him out soon after (for different reasons) and I didn't have to deal with it anymore. Neither my mom nor my little sister (nor anyone) knew because I didn't tell anyone, until I told said sister when we were in our late teens. Eventually she came to accept it and never tried to push me to be more into guys or spend time with dad again.

My Sister: She was always bold, bossy, sassy, and confident. We all joked she was meant to be a lawyer as young as age three, since she was always opinionated, articulate, quick-witted, and able to verbally duel with the best of them. She was able to out-talk most grown-ups by the age of eight, resolved to be a lawyer by eighteen, and is now in a really good law school.

Unfortunately, she always longed for daddy's love since he always openly favored me. (Again, she was too young to remember what it was like in that house and he didn't abuse her the way he abused me.) She made up for this by having lots of male friends growing up, and having one boyfriend after another from high school on. Since we were two girls from a broken home, she often picked guys who didn't treat her well. Her last boyfriend turned out to be a mentally ill drug addict who looks handsome, intelligent, kind, sweet, and gentle on the street, but became increasingly unstable and violent behind closed doors. She finally left him when he tried to kill her, and eventually opened up to just how bad the relationship was behind closed doors. (I always knew they fought, I knew nothing about the violence until after the relationship was over.) Despite all this, she's remained an indomitable go-getter, grabbing law school by the horns and taking the corporate world by storm.

However... from Christmas to New Year she we went to visit my dad across the state, where she went to high school and community college. While there, she went to see a male friend she's had since high school. I don't know his name (she hasn't told me), but apparently she's known him for years. (Oh, minor backstory: we went to different high schools because she went to live with dad across the state for high school and community college while I stayed with mom.) They've been good friends since high school, and she trusted him implicitly. And he knew she was too drunk to drive home... and she said "no, no, no, no," many times, and she kicked and struggled. She called me crying later that night, sobbing, "I slept with him! I feel like such a slut! We were drinking, and I was telling him I'd never been in a good relationship, then he said I'd never had 'good sex,' and he wanted to show me what it's like to have 'good sex,' and I agreed to it, but I immediately regret it. I've never slept with a man I wasn't in a relationship with. God, I feel like such a fool..."

To be honest, I suspected that it wasn't consensual at the time, but she was sobbing so hard over the phone I was afraid she'd hurt herself, so I told her what I thought she needed to hear. ("It's okay. You're not a slut. It's okay. Sleeping with someone you're not in a relationship with doesn't make you a slut. It doesn't make you stupid. It's okay. Good sex is hard to come by. It's okay...")

It's been about two weeks since the incident at New Year's, and only in the last few days has my sister felt comfortable enough to tell me bits and pieces of what's happened. She came home soon after, and has remained in her apartment. She has a job at the law school as well as studying there. She was supposed to go back to work after her vacation at dad's, but she's been putting it off week after week. She went to visit another good friend (this one I know, he's a sweetie), whom she told her secret and who gave her more emotional support than I could have given her. She's slowly confided more and more details to me; to herself. She says things like, "I know there's a word for what happened, but I just can't right now."

She now cries all the time. Talking to her often feels like treading a landmine. I never know when I'm going to say something seemingly innocent and offhand that "triggers" explosive sobbing, and then I always feel terrible and wish I could make it better, but I can't. We can just be hanging out watching How I Met Your Mother, laughing and having a good time, then something as innocuous as two characters waking up the night after hooking up, and she starts to cry and I have to turn it off and leave because she doesn't like crying around others. She can't stand being alone with her thoughts, yet being around people makes her sadder, and more stressed, which causes her to cry and have more panic attacks.

Today, though, she confessed that since that night she always feel stressed, nervous, anxious, and powerless. She keeps putting off little things like going back to work and scheduling hair cuts because just thinking about it makes her so anxious it gives her panic attacks, then she has to cancel. She sees a handsome guy at the check out line at the grocery store, and wants to hit on him, but at the same time the lizard brain thinks, "Danger! Man! Don't touch me. Stay away." She no longer fully trusts or feels safe around her male friends--which is bad, because she's mainly had male friends her whole life. She says this is all feels so distressing for her because, "I've NEVER had feelings like this before. I always felt fine and confident to make appointments and get things done. I've never not trusted guys and wanted to be around guys. I don't know how to deal with this." When she confessed these feelings to me today, I (stupidly) tried to make her feel better by saying, "Those feelings you have, I've had my whole life." That just made her feel worse. "You've had these feelings your whole life. You're 25. This happened two weeks ago. Are you saying I'll never get over it...? I need to hang up, I have to cry."

I don't know what to do. I feel so powerless to help her. I've tried to just be calm and patient and let her reach out to me when she's ready, and let her talk to me when she feels ready to share, then try to be empathetic and understanding (which clearly always backfires), then back up and give her space when she wants it. Yet, whenever she does reach out to me it seems like I just step it and make it worse. I won't just leave her to fend for herself, because I know that'll make it worse. (She already feels abandoned by mom, who's refusing to talk to her because of some petty perceived slight that only my vindictive mom would hold a grudge over.) At the same time though, I'm afraid to try to be there for her because I'm constantly afraid I'll say or do something that'll make her feel worse.

I don't feel confident recommending professional mental health, either. I've tried recommending she see mental health professionals in the past (over different matters), but she always wound up with bad therapists who made her feel worse about herself, and/or had her try antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication that actually made her feel lobotomized or like she was in a fog, and because of that my sister no longer trusts my judgment. (I feel bad admitting this, but this frustrates me about her. I recommend she seek help, she tries one therapist/medicine, then when it doesn't work she uses it as an excuse not to keep trying. Won't ask for a new therapist or try a new medication, just quits. Then wonders why she's miserable for a few years, then tries again once, then quits for a few years. Lather, rinse, repeat.)

I'm honestly at a loss, and there's no one in my life I can talk to about this to ask for advice or support for. (My family sucks, my boyfriend's a nit, my friends aren't the kind of people I can talk about with this, and my therapist is on vacation till the end of the month.)

How can I be there for my sister in any meaningful way?

[Sam W]

Hi 12then5,

I'm sorry that both you and your sister have gone through what you have. I think the first step to take, if you haven't already, is to ask her what you can do to best support her right now. She may want a little space, or a shoulder to cry on, or something else entirely . But asking her will both take some of the pressure off of you to try and tease out an answer and give her back some of the power she's lost. Since it sounds like you have a therapist (high five for taking that step to take care of yourself), it would be sound to ask them when they come back from vacation for help in managing your own feelings around what happened to your sister. It's awesome that you want to be there for her, but if you have a history of assault yourself, it's a good idea to have a care plan in place as you support her. If you want, we'd be happy to help you figure out how to approach either of those conversations

You mention she has had bad luck with therapists. Depending on where she's located, there will likely be an organization that specializes in helping survivors of sexual assault. That would be something to point her towards if you don't feel comfortable recommencing therapy again. Those organizations often offer counseling that focuses on helping survivors heal in the wake of an assault, but they also act as a resource in other ways,

One other resource I can think of is the Pandora's Project. It's online, but it provides resources and support (I believe they have chat rooms) for survivors, and is generally a pretty great place. So that's something both of you could utilize right now.

[12Then5]

Oh goodness, it's been a long time. I thought my last reply went through, but it didn't.

I'm sorry if I answered too late here, but I just wanted to let you know I appreciate your advice. I tried broaching the topic of reaching out to other survivors, but at this point she doesn't want to feel like or think of herself as a victim. At this stage, it makes her feel better to think of herself as a person, not look in the mirror and see "victim" staring back at her. (Her words, not mine.) She wound up getting our mom to cut her hair, and she's very happy with it. I also went shopping with her a few times before the month was over, which cheered her up greatly. She is one of those people who feels her best when she looks her best, so a nice new hair cut and pretty new clothes go a long way to making her feel better.

Speaking of which, I tried to incorporate your advice about just being there for her in the way she wanted, and that ended up working out very nicely. While there's still a lot of buried pain under the surface, there's not as much tension between us as before.

I'm glad to say my sister is also back at school and working. When the new semester started she not only went to class but went back to work, and also got a second job. I think at this time she's coping with her situation by distracting/burying herself in lots of academics and work. Part of me is worried about her, but she was always the kind to push herself and distract herself from her feelings by keeping busy with school/work. And, honestly, there are worse ways to cope. (For starters, alcoholism runs in the family.)

My therapist has also come back from vacation, so I've switched over to talking to her and asking her advice. Not that I don't appreciate your advice; I'll forever be deeply grateful for the advice and support you could offer during that dark time when neither my sister nor I knew how to cope.

I, uh, wish you all well. And I thank you again for all help and advice.

Sincerely: 1, 2, then 5.

[Sam W]

Hi 12then5,

Thank you for updating us I am glad to hear that you found our advice helpful, and that your therapist is back and you're getting good support there. If there's ever anything else you want to ask us about, we'll be here