Just need to vent

[Dandelion]

I didn't really know where to put this so I just found here somewhat appropiate.

I've been extremely lonely. My sister is prepping for college and although that's 7 months away she spends less and less time at home. She is only 16 but is graduating early. I'm a year younger than her but I still have 3 years left in high school. It frustrates me because she's like my twin.

Then, I've been struggling with my ptsd. And when that happens I really can't be alone. But I have been. My boyfriend and I have been together for 26 months. Its been horrible and great. He has been very sick or busy working recently. He checks in on me but simply doesn't have time to talk a lot right now. So I try talking to our mutual, close friend about things. She's extremely understanding. But I can't help but feel guilty about burdening her.

School is also stressful. I'm taking college level courses and 3 languages, 4 if you include English. And I'm very stressed and exhausted. I never have time to breathe.


With all this going on my mental health hasn't been great. I didn't really know who to go to. I wanted hotlines but my mom put a block on those sites. So I rekindled a bad friendship. He was a bit older but nice and supportive but he was attracted to me. And I didn't feel comfy with him anymore so I stopped talking to him. 6 months later, I message him saying I need him. Biggest mistake. He has a borderline personality disorder. And so anyway, one of them is really inappropriate. In my past, my abusers kinda hard wired me to always listen. I can never get the word no out. With that said, when he was in this personality he made comments to me. Not normal sexual ones. But ones about really hurting me painfully. And I tried to ignore it because I thought if he was himself he wouldnt say such things. But, the comments continue and then things escalated and I don't really want to talk about it. But I ended curled up in ball crying. And then he went back to being himself. And he didn't really have a clear recollection. It slowly came to him. And he felt horrible. He kept saying sorry and he would hurt himself etc.

I sympathised with him. I thought it was genuine at first but he still makes me do things. I wish I could say no. But I feel like I have to pleasure him. I always feel gross after and cry.

I want to tell my boyfriend but he'll feel guilty for not protecting me. And so yeah.


I just dont know how to keep myself alive and going sometimes.

[Sam W]

Hi Dandelion,

Glad to see you again, but so sorry that it's under these circumstances.

Let's start with the friend you mention. The behavior he's doing is not okay, and I would wager it's deliberately manipulative. Plenty of people with mental illness manage not to leave people they care about crying in a ball. On top of that, if you don't want it, it's sexual assault. I have a few thoughts on how to get this guy away from you (and on what to do if he talks about hurting himself). Would you like to discuss them?

With your boyfriend, is your primary concern that he'll feel guilty? Because if you want, we can also talk about ways to ask him for support, as it sounds like you would like to have that from him around this.

Finally, with your mom and that hotlines, I am sorry that she blocked those sites from you (and more than a little puzzled as to why she thought that was a good idea). It sounds like she's continuing the pattern of behaviors you've described in the past, and that sucks. Do you, by chance, have a way of getting phone numbers for different hotlines? Like a mental health one and maybe one for sexual assault survivors to start out with, so you have resources you can call on if you get low.

[Dandelion]

Yes, I would like to discuss them.

With my boyfriend, he easily feels guilty about anything bad happening to me. He feels like it's his job to keep me safe from other people. I do want his support but I dont want him to feel bad for not being able to protect me the way he wanted.

I know the number to the hotlines but Im very paranoid about using my phone for anything anymore. She overreacts and I just cant deal with it.

[Sam W]

Okay, than let's start with those thoughts. The first one is to go cold on all social media or other ways you have of communicating with him. That means blocking/unfriending him on social media (if he follows you there), and not responding to any texts, calls, or emails that he sends. This is going to feel really hard at first, because he's trained you to think you have a responsibility to him. But you don't. You so don't. Program any emails of his to go your spam filter, so you will only see them if you choose to look at your spam folder. If you get messages saying that he's going to hurt or kill himself, here is what you do. Call 911, and tell them that someone you know is saying they are going to kill themselves. They'll ask you for some information (like if you know his location), and then take it from there. Again, this can be really hard to do, and I wouldn't tell you to do it unless I had a reason. One reason is that, if he really is suicidal, he needs a kind of help that you can't provide, and having someone check in with him and get him the care he needs is the kind thing to do. If he isn't, and is only using those threats as a way to control you, this might teach him not to make those kind of threats lightly. Do you follow me?

Before we plan anymore, can I ask if he knows where you live, or other places where you tend to go (like school)? And has he ever threatened you?

With your boyfriend, I think it's okay to ask him for support. It's very kind of you to worry about his feelings, but you deserve support around what's happening. It might help to start by asking this question of yourself: what kind of support are you looking for from him? What would you like him to do to help you?

Does your mom tend to listen in on your phone calls, or check your history? And when she overreacts, are you okay telling me what that looks like (sorry for the game of 20 questions, but the more information I have, the more I think we'll be able to come up with some solutions)

[Dandelion]

Yes, I follow you. Yes he knows where I live and attend school. No he hasnt really threatened.

My mom does random phone checks in which she takes my phone and goes through all my apps, messages, history, etc. Then, if she finds even a silver of suspicion she scolds me and keeps my phone for x amount of time. She then accuses me of hiding things and totally takes it overboard and assumes I'm being abused again. Or that I'm trying to run away with a stranger. This happens any time she reads what she thinks is a suspicious text or number.






Last night, she yelled at me because I asked for counseling. She told me I know that we can't afford it so why do I keep bringing it up.

[Sam W]

Okay, would you feel comfortable taking the first few of those steps I mentioned?

The reason I ask about whether or not he knows where you are is for your safety. I think it would be wise for you (and this is something we can help with) to come up with a plan for what to do if he starts turning up places where you are after to cut him off. It may also help to get in touch with a local sexual assault survivor's organization, as they can give you help and advice that's a little more location specific .

That is completely not okay behavior on your mom's part. If you need to make phone calls that you want to remain private, would you be able to use either your boyfriend's phone or the phone of a friend? That would allow you to call certain resources without her finding out. With trying to call a mental health line when you're feeling low, one other option is to find mental health resources that have a chat option. Is that something you've looked into before?

We may have touched on this before, but what would happen if you tried to go through school to get a counselor. So, asking the school counselor if they can help you find other mental health resources . You may also have some luck with a sexual assault survivor's resource, as they generally (I can't make any promises) try to provide free or low cost services.

[Dandelion]

Can you help me make a plan?

I didn't know about the chat option that you mention. I know she blocked the major sites.

I actually talked to my counsellor last week. I planned a meeting this week.


My mom scolded me last night for asking for therapy. Because of cost.

[Mo]

I hope those options we talked about in chat today are helpful.