I don't know what I want

[jasflower]

Hello, I am 17 years old, 5 months ago I made the decision to have sex with my boyfriend who I have been dating for a year. During our winter break he flirted with this girl from our school on snapchat, he told me to stop and he did. When we got back to school she showed me the messages, I was very hurt, it just felt like everything that happened between us was for nothing. I broke up with him but im allowing him to fix things, its been 3 weeks and hes doing very well, and we are bothing working on ourselves so that our relationship can be stronger. While we have been on this break, I started feeling really guilty about losing my virginity. My parents are really against teenage relationships and especially teenage sex. My parents think im perfect, Im a straight A student, Im at the top of my class, and I have always behaved well. My parents work in another city so I rarely see them. When Im alone Ive been able to sneak out with my boyfriend. They recently bought me a really expensive car and I cant help but feel like I don't deserve anything that they give me. I feel like the worst daughter ever. My boyfriend and I have had sex like 6 times and the day after I would feel really guilty but I would eventually get over it and do it again. We are very careful, when we sneak out and when we are having sex so Im not that scared about getting pregant. Im more scared of my parents finding out, I would break their heart. They would never see me the same. I really care and love my boyfriend, and Im looking forward to re-gaining our relationship, but what Im trying to decide is if we should continue to have sex when we are back together. And If we do continue, I want to know how to stop having these guilty feelings and hating myself for going behind my parents backs afterwards.

[Karyn]

Welcome to Scarleteen, jasflower.

I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough time with this. Ultimately, while you're the one who has to decide whether or not continuing to have sex with your boyfriend is a positive thing for you and something you want to continue, there are a couple of things in your post that make me think it might be a good idea for you to take a break from having sex, at least for a while.

First off: ideally, partnered sex, whenever we have it and whoever we have it with, should be overall a positive thing in our lives and something that we feel good about doing, not just in the moment, but afterwards, too. Having to sneak around and being concerned about getting caught tends to make for less-than-enjoyable sex (it's hard to have fun when you're stressed or short of time), but as you've found it can also mean that you don't feel so great about it afterwards. You are more than old enough, of course, to make these decisions for yourself, but it's also reasonable to want people we care about to feel positive about our decisions, so I totally understand that you have mixed feelings about going against what your parents would want.

Secondly, while having sex certainly doesn't mean that we can't work on other aspects of our relationship, in this case (what with worrying about what your parents would think) I'm wondering if holding off on sex for a bit once you get back together with your boyfriend might help the two of you rebuild your relationship by basically giving you one less thing to stress about, if that makes sense. As you've said, you and your boyfriend are both working towards making your relationship stronger, and that can be tough all on its own: why add more difficult stuff on top of that?

In the long run, once you feel like your relationship with your boyfriend is back on more solid footing, the question really is whether you feel like the positives of having sex outweigh the negatives. Does sex add good stuff to your life and your relationship as a whole that would counter the feeling that you're going against what your parents would want for you?

[jasflower]

Thank you so much. I really needed advice from an adult, I didn't have anyone to ask for help.
What Im scared of now are the days that I want to have sex and I forget all about what my parents think (thats what usually happens)
I know it's going to be really hard for me to staying committed to my decision. What should I do when I have these desires?

[Karyn]

We actually have an article on that very subject, right here: Whoa, There! How to Slow Down When You're Moving Too Fast

Some of the bits of advice in that piece will be more applicable to your specific situation than other parts, but it's a good place to start. If there's anything in there you want to talk about more when you're done reading, just shout!