Questions about Manual Sex and Pregnancy

[Heather]

No need for apologies, this is big stuff! And I'm happy to help (but not with the pregnancy talk: I need to hold a limit there, since nothing you have added here changes what we have already said about that, and I'd really encourage you to try and let these pregnancy fears go, as I think they're probably just a distraction from the real issues at hand here, IMO).

You know, feeling anger and expressing it are different things. But I hear you making a lot of really big, astute observations here, like that your insecurity and your history may be keeping you from feeling angry when you should (and I'd agree with those observations), keeping you in a pattern where you're more likely to wind up with people who do exactly what you expect them to (per the coercion), keeping you from setting your own limits for fear of rejection or lack of approval, and keeping you from creating relationships and a sexual life on your own terms.

What do you think about the idea of say, a year, or at least six months, where it's just a given you're not going to date, and you're going to nix any romantic relationships, and instead, make your relationship with YOURSELF the one you put your energy into? I think having a real break from any of this where you can regroup, figure out what you need to work on for yourself, and do some things to increase your self-esteem, self-confidence and assertiveness -- and maybe also explore your sexuality for what it is without other people, at all -- might be just the thing for you. Maybe even include some counseling around your history?

[leeleehatter]

Thank you again!!

Actually, up until this recent incident, I have been single and have abstained from all sexual activity, starting from September of 2013! I was quite proud of myself for going a year without these things, as beforehand I was almost constantly in a relationship. I think the year of being single and not doing anything sexual helped me feel much more confident in my ability to be self-reliant and my ability to be alone and enjoy my own company, but clearly I'm still missing something about feeling confident about my boundaries and being able to say no to sexual requests. What would you suggest I do or change in the upcoming months in order to develop this ability?

Also, I know the site is meant to be down tonight and this weekend, but will the text service still be running?

Thank you for all your help!!

[Heather]

It should be, yep!

Can you fill me in on what you have done so far with the express aim of working on your self-esteem and developing more assertiveness?

Seems to me one big thing with all of these issues is what you have been doing only for yourself, where whether or not you get anyone else's approval is a non-issue, same goes for if anyone else likes that you do it.

Too, after that break, were you able to really only start dating again coming to it with clear ideas - ideas you also clearly communicate, right from the start, with anyone you are dating way before you get to any kind of sex - about what you wanted, and what you need for partners to understand and respect as very hard lines, like that NO sexual coercion will be tolerated, and if they do it, ever, they gotta know you will then choose to part ways right then and there?

[leeleehatter]

Well to be honest, I'm not really sure that I did much of anything with intent as far as self-esteem and assertiveness go. I mostly focused on making sure that I knew how to enjoy my own company without having to rely on a partner to make me happy or fill my days. Do you have any tips on what I can do to start working on self-esteem and assertiveness?

I should also clarify (and I should have done so much earlier): this incident I'm talking about is not with an actual boyfriend or anything. It's more of a fling/hook-up situation. I made it very clear that I didn't want a relationship and that I wasn't going to have intercourse because I'm not on birth control. But that was the only thing I really insisted upon.

Thanks so much!