New Relationship!

[Kela]

Hi, everyone!
just thought id share with you I am dating someone again on the old boards where my name was MaddleyLove I think I started a thread about trying to get over my last relationship and not rushing into anything. well, I finally feel I am over my last relationship, even though it has been super hard!! I work with my ex, although hes at uni most of the time, he comes back to work in the summer and at Christmas.
this summer was terrible at work, hes the one who left me and he just ignores me the whole time when I try and make civil conversation I thought being civil was the way forward but it just wore me down and down until one day I decided to just not talk to him either. now I know that THAT was the right thing to do!! I wanted to keep things civil, but I realised I was wasting my time, and I think that was the turning point in getting over him!

so, now im seeing another guy who is just soo different from my ex! and I feel finally ready to move on and find something better for me!!

Kela x

[Heather]

I'm sorry to hear you've had such a hard time. But good on you for learning to let go some more!

Besides dating someone new, anything else new, exciting or improved for you? What's new with you, just you?

[Kela]

well, I've just been offered the chance to deliver some training to the rest of the team at my work, which is pretty exciting!! gives me something else to focus on, and who knows where It'll go??

Also.. I'd just like to say I've been trying to be strong willed when it comes to doing sexual things with my new relationship, and I've been honest from the start and straight with him and said I'm not ready to go the whole way with him, and he's been very understanding, and I know he cares about me enough to respect my wishes.

[Sam W]

Those all sound like excellent things

[Kela]

just an update...

I took a pregnancy test today for various reasons, mostly to do with the fact im just going through a bad phase with my anxiety, ive been feeling okay the past few weeks so a comedown was expected don't worry I haven't gone back on my word not to have sex until im ready again! it was negative. a little scared I didn't take it properly (by not peeing on it for long enough) but the control line appeared so I assume it did its job. the thing im worried about happened mid july(but wasn't full sex, this test was for my peace of mind!) , so im assuming if I was pregnant ive waited long enough for a test to be fully accurate, even if my urine stream lasted a microsecond or two shorter than five seconds like the test specified? the tip was pretty saturated with urine, I checked afterwards (sorry, tmi!!)
so im still a little scared but hoping this is the start of moving forward and making a fresh start with this new relationship.

[Kela]

in shock.
in the last hour this guy ive been seeing told me theres no spark. its over. im in shock.

[Johanna]

So Kela, in terms of that post you wrote earlier today about taking a pregnancy test, I don't know how to respond to that because I am not sure what you are asking from us. If it is reassurances you need, please remember that we have been through this topic with you many, many times and have talked this through with you very thoroughly. So, there is just nothing that we can add to that, save repeating that it really would be ideal if you could get some counseling to help you deal with your anxiety - real counseling, not phone calls to a crisis line.

I am very sorry to hear that this relationship has ended, and that you are feeling so upset over this. But I also think that, as hard as this is, this is a very good opportunity for you to do what we suggested to you last time, which is for you to focus on learning to be okay with being single, to invest less envergy in finding partners and more enerergy in having fun and doing things you enjoy, and to build friendships that give you the intimacy you are looking for, instead. If you want to talk more about any of this, we'll be right here.

[Kela]

im just so numb and cant function properly. i did not see it coming. he said he wasnt sure if he felt a spark between us. i did. i just want him back, i dont want to be single again

[Heather]

Can I suggest -- as I have in the past -- that that fear is what you focus on? Why is being without a boyfriend so terrifying? You have a long, long history of voicing big fears around this, and that fear of being single seems to be what usually motivates you most to seek out partners, which is pretty much assuring those relationships are not at all likely to be good ones. That's just not a motivation for being in relationships with other people that supports good ones, or supports dating being something you can do without so much immediate attachment (which also doesn't support the good stuff).

The thing is, I suspect any given guy being "so different" from the last isn't really going to change anything. Rather, I think it's you who needs to learn to be different, starting with learning to be single without feeling scared or so desperate not to be, and to do that before getting into any more relationships or doing any more dating.

I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but have you yet started any kind of ongoing, in-person counseling? If not, per usual, I'd strongly encourage that.

[Kela]

I've had some time to think about what happened, but I just cannot seem to reconcile with myself his reasons.
in his words, "I've just been thinking about us really, don't know if I feel a spark between us." if that is the case, why introduce me to your family, invite me to be your plus one at a wedding reception, ask me to stay over and, again in his words, say "I've never felt so comfortable with someone" ??? its just so confusing to me, makes me think I've said or done something by accident to offend him or someone in his family, although I cant think what. I did ask if id done or said something, and he said I've done absolutely nothing wrong, its just what he's been feeling. but still it just doesn't make sense

just looking for some support. he's the first person I've properly fallen for since my last proper relationship broke up.

[Heather]

Perhaps because he liked/likes you as a person? But what he is saying is he has determined the feelings he has are not romantic?

Feelings often will not make sense, because, as you know, they are not based on logic.

I suspect it might be trickier to get how someone else is feeling and behaving who is NOT afraid if being single, and not so quickly attached to someone romantically. But some of this may make some more sense if you figure the fear you long have had the self-awareness to know plays a big part with you and dating is not a factor for everyone else, and without that big fear, walking away from things that just do not feel like a great fit is pretty easy, if that makes sense.

Too, you know, another person can feel and see that kind of fear and desperation, and it us something that will tend to make emotionally healthy - rather than abusive or otherwise unhealthy - people not want to stick around, which is one if the reasons I gave been trying so hard for so long to encourage you to get real help to change that for yourself.

[Kela]

i dont think i came across as desperate or fearful at all, i did my best to hide any fear. too, i never once asked if we were official or in a relationship, his dad was introducing me to all his friends as his girlfriend, and the guy, when anyone asked if we were official, said yes. not once did i say anything about being official or boyfriend girlfriend, so thats why im super confused, because all the signs were that we were going to go for it.
i want to think that we can still be friends, i asked if we could and he said 'yes of course we can still be friends'

[Heather]

What I am saying to you is that when someone is the kind of terrified of being single as you have expressed yourself being for so long? People pick up on it: it's something a person can tend to only hide so well or for so long. Seriously, when those of us who aren't like this are dating someone like this, it usually comes across pretty soon in a lot of ways you might not think are apparent yourself, but believe me, they are. I often say that desperation is the world's worst cologne.

So, all I can really do here that feels sound to me is to yet again encourage you to really move your focus to your own personal growth and your relationship with yourself rather than focusing on why yet another guy isn't feeling the way you want him to feel or sticking around.

That first thing? That is totally in your control, and seems to be the one thing you are fighting very hard against doing, even though it's much more likely to leave you feeling better than even the best of relationships with someone else. That second thing? Outside of your control, and a continued focus on it strikes me as mostly just another distraction to really getting at the bottom of this pervasive fear and desperate need for a boyfriend that not only is bound to keep you from good relationships with others, but, again, seems to me to primarily be keeping you from a good one with yourself, which you pretty much gotta have first before you can have them with others.

[Heather]

(But of course, it may also just be that he learned over time, again, that the feelings he has developed for you don't feel romantic to him. And a person can feel that way about someone even when that person totally has all their own shit together and isn't afraid of being alone. Sometimes we have those feelings, sometimes we don't, sometimes we do for a while, but then at some point, we find we just don't feel that way anymore. And that's particularly common when things are brand-new like this, and people are just finding out about each other: this wasn't a relationship of years, after all. It was a brand-new dating -- otherwise known as "let's try this and see how we feel about it for a bit," not "I am all in!" -- relationship.)

[Kela]

ill tell you whats really bothering me, and I know you cant help me with my anxiety disorder and youll tell me to seek out counselling but this is weighing heavy on my mind and heart and I just need to vent. im scared something sexual happened when I was asleep and ill be pregnant. I cannot tell you why I have this fear, and my heart tells me its an irrational thought, but still its there. i told him from the start I wasn't into having sex just yet and he said that's fine, but I stayed round his house twice and we did other sexual things, fingering and oral sex, but I was careful to avoid any genital contact. How do I know when I was sleep he didn't have sex with me? it upsets me to think this, because I just know hes a good person, and he wouldn't, I just know he wouldn't, but still the fear is there. theoretically, if he did have sex with me while I was asleep, do you think id soon wake up and realise? or later on just feel like id just had sex? im going to take another pregnancy test soon to cover the last time we were together.

[Heather]

Again, you know what we are going to say, and you're right.

This kind of thinking is classic anxiety/OCD thinking. It is not based in reality, especially since people generally do not sleep through someone engaging in sex with them. As well, partners who are not also rapists do not assault their partners in their sleep.

Once more -- all I can do is keep suggesting it if you keep coming back here clearly being in the same stuck space you have been in for a long time now -- you know you need counseling. We know you need counseling. You have even said in the past this is available to you through your employer.

I can't know why you keep working so hard not to do the one thing most likely to help you out, but you have got to figure that out and make a change if you actually want things to change.

Too, I also can't know why you come here for help again and again, but when we engage in a conversation with you, you basically blow off most of what we say or suggest, or divert the topic with something else. That's your right, of course, but it also simply is not a sound use of our time and energy, nor yours. At this point, I feel like you need to decide if you want to get our advice and help here or not. If you don't, you don't. And that's okay. But then you also need to please do us a favor per our time and not keep coming back for more when you do not seem like you want to actually get help, or do, but don't like/want ours, okay? I have worked very hard to do the best I can for you and given considerable time trying to hep and make suggestions, but it's not something we can keep doing when someone keeps being so unresponsive. We simply need to use our time and energy with folks truly willing to engage and who actually want to follow up with steps we suggest.

[Kela]

ill tell you what it is, and I only worked out what it is a few days ago. i'm terrified of getting help because i'm scared of what ill be left with in my life without anxiety...not much. anxiety latched onto me and just grew and grew now its such a big part of my life, a part of me, I cant imagine life without it. being anxious almost saves me from going through other bad stuff, I suppose. I know that sounds stupid, but that's what it feels like. I almost WANT to be anxious, because, in my mind, it keeps me safe.

and I know, right there, in that one line, is pretty much the crux of all OCD and anxiety disorders.

i'm going to take some more pregnancy tests as soon as I can, as it hasn't been 21 days since we last shared a bed (but, as far as I know, nothing happened (while I was conscious at least)).

[Heather]

You know, I think that's the most honest I've ever heard you be, and I am so, so glad to hear you be able to say this stuff. Thank you for being willing to be that real and vulnerable: I know it isn't easy.

And yep, you're right: a lot of people with anxiety feel that way before they learn to manage it and get help. especially since until you do that, you can't know how much better you feel feel with it under control.

Mind, I don't think it's saving you from anything, but I get that it can feel that way. I also know that people with anxiety disorders ALWAYS feel better once they get help and treatment to manage them. I have yet to hear anyone who has say they wish they had their anxiety back. To boot, I think it is keeping you from so much in your life, that once you have a better handle on it, there will be MORE in your life than there has been, not less, you know?

But what about going ahead and starting counseling, figuring you can walk in saying all of THIS, and at least have a conversation with a therapist about those fears? After all, it's not like any therapist can just magic your anxiety away: that's going to be a process, learning to manage it, and one that'll mostly be on you and what you do. So, it's not like you start therapy and your anxiety gets taken away from you: that's not something to be afraid of, because that's just not even possible.

Have you read this yet: Anxiety Lies?

If not, I think it speaks to all of this very, very well.

[Kela]

okay so im abit scared and i hope you can help, i dont think my counsellor can...i needd someone who knows about pregnancy tests.

i just took one, but no lines appeared in either window, like nothing appeared. and you can usually see the urine move up the windows in this particular brand, so that terrified me. i broke it open but couldnt make sense of why ot hadnt worked. it came in a two pack, so i took the other one to see if that would work...yes the control line came up and it looked like it worked like it normally does, and came up negative.
so i have two questions.. firstly, why didnt the first one work? is it possible i had so much HCG it messed up the test?
secondly, can i trust the second test? it appeared to work okay, the control line which i think indicates the test worked properly and it looked like it normally does. is it safe to trust this second one even though it was in the same pack as the first, defective one?

im sorry i just freaked out, this has never happened before and you are all knowledgeable about tests and i dont think my counsellore could answer these questions. x

[Johanna]

While your counselor may not be able to answer your questions about this particular pregnancy test and why it may have been defective, they are in an excellent position to talk with you about why you felt the need to take a pregnancy test in the first place, and to help you deal with your anxiety. So, I do suggest that you call your counselor, or at least bring this up in your next session.

[Kela]

what would your opinion be on the two questions regarding the tests?

firstly, why didn't the first one work? is it possible i had so much HCG it messed up the test?

secondly, is it safe to trust the second test even though it was in the same pack as the first, defective one?

I've just emailed her to see if I can arrange another session.

[Johanna]

Kela, you know why we cannot engage with you on those questions. Doing so would only feed your anxiety, rather than resolving it. I am glad to hear that you've reached out to your therapist - she is the person to address this with.

[Kela]

to be honest i dont understand, especially regarding the second question... i am merely seeking information from you all at scarleteen who could offer me an opinion on something im really not sure about, you all know about pregnancy tests and you work in the field, i just thought i could get some factual, non biased, impartial information

[Keda]

I think the problem with those two questions is that they're actually another question in disguise - that question being "Am I pregnant?" - and I don't need to tell you why the volunteers won't discuss that question.

I won't jump in with advice and stuff, because everyone else has done a great job of that, but I really hope things start to improve for you. I know you've really struggled since you started posting here and you've been dealing with some really unfair stuff that life has thrown at you, so it's fantastic that you're starting to get some more insight and some help, and I hope things get better from here on out.

[Heather]

Let me also add that no one person can know all about the specifics of every single brand of test: there are so many tests, they are all different, that I do not think that is even possible.

That's why home pregnancy tests most typically have a toll-free number so that consumers using them with questions can talk directly to someone trained to answer questions about THAT test. We're not those people, as we do not manufacture, sell or give whatever brand of test you took, nor do we work for that company.

So, if and when someone has these kinds of questions, that is what that contact information for those who DO work for that test is for: the test manufacturer and their support staff is who to ask. Alternately, often the instructions for a test have information about results consumers are not sure about. And if a test does not have contact information like that, or you tossed the instructions without reading them, a healthcare provider is your next step, as they can just go ahead and do a test for you in their clinic or practice so you don't even have to worry about trying to do it right or figure out results yourself.

But like Keda did a great job of explaining, we're not the folks for this, for a host of reasons, including that we do not know the brand of test you are using, and are not people who work FOR that test to answer questions like this.