Losing my Virginity

[BlytheDraven]

Hi there..
I'm new to this site and I'm looking for some advice...
So i'm 20 years old and a virgin, i've been with my boyfriend for 3 months and he is the most amazing guy I have ever met, he treats me unbelievably well and I just feel so safe and comfortable with him. He is my first ever boyfriend too.

We started off dry humping about a month into the relationship and then after a few more weeks we got to fingering and handjobs. We've been doing this almost every time we see each other now, and he usually gets 2 fingers in and on the rare occasion 3 fingers.

Last week on Friday we went out for a few drinks (we had maybe 4-5) and got home around 1am, the drinks had worn off a fair bit by then but we still felt a little buzzed. We were making out and he asked if he could go down on me and I felt this wave of confidence, probably from some alcohol still being in my system and I said yes. He went down on me for a bit and it felt amazing, I could feel an orgasm building but I wanted to hold it off until sex (I realise it sounds silly now), a few minutes later I said I wanted to have sex. He grabbed a condom, made sure I was wet and then slowly began to insert himself. Now, because I was probably still a bit tipsy I didn't feel any excruciating pain, It was painful and uncomfortable... he only got about 3 inches in... possibly less, before I had to tell him to stop and he did. He's very well endowed, id say 8 or 8.5 inches and he's quite thick too. Im not sure if the pain was because he is well endowed or if I was just not wet enough or I was tensing up. I was a little sore a few mins after but the pain subsided. I bled a bit too, if I could measure it, id say at least a teaspoon of blood.

We tried again the next day when we were both 100% sober and it seemed to hurt more than the night before, not sure if it was because I was not 'recovered' front the night before but it was definitely more painful. He got the head of his penis in and little more before I had to tell him stop, and he did. He's totally cool with it all and says he's willing to wait as long as it takes for me to do this. Also, after these 2 times, I didn't feel very 'emotional' like some people say they do.. I felt totally normal to be honest.

On Monday when I went to the toilet for a wee, after I wiped there was some blood on the tissue and I thought I had started my period, when I got home I went to the toilet gain but there was no blood... I hadn't started my period. Not sure where this little bit of blood came from.

We tried again last night too, he went down on me and this time I let myself have an orgasm before we had sex, he got a condom and tried to insert himself again. I was very wet but I could feel a bit of pain before he even inserted himself and then as soon as the tip went in there was a sharp burning pain and I gasped and pushed him back and said we had to stop. It hurt a hell of a lot more than the past 2 times. He immediately stopped and kept apologising and asking me if I was ok. I went to the toilet but there was no blood... I felt like I was bleeding but I wasn't. I also felt much more emotional this time. I cried a little and he comforted me and held me all night, kept making sure I was alright and apologised even though its not really his fault...
Also, we did not use lube any of these times because we both thought I was wet enough... but maybe its something we will need to use the next time we try.

I'm getting really annoyed at myself, I mean my mind knows i'm ready, I know i'm ready, its something I WANT to do but I just can't take the pain for some reason... I mean, is it supposed to be THIS painful/uncomfortable?

So, what is happening?
What can I do to make this less painful?
Should I go to a doctor?

Please help me!
Thank you

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, Blythe.

I think you clearly identified a couple things in here that either likely played a part in some of the troubles here, or could have. But I also want to lead here by saying that I think it's a good idea not to view all of this as Big Problems or Something Broken so much as trying to learn something brand new and have it go a certain way in a too-short period of time. In other words, I think one of the "problems" here may be not seeing that as with most other things in life, intercourse tends to have a learning curve for people, and mastering it, as it were, in a coupld tries pretty much all at once isn't likely or often realistic. Okay?

Anyway, I am seeing a few things:
1) You didn't use lubricant. That's a pretty big missing piece, since it tends to make a huge difference. And lube from a bottle is also formulated to be a lot more fluid, slippery and long-lasting than what our bodies can make, so it kind of has a real edge over what the body produces, especially if and when condoms are involved (as well as if and when people are using any hormonal contraceptives, which make vaginal fluids thicker than they would be otherwise as part of how they work).

2) That first time around, you had a lot of alcohol in your system: 4 or 5 drinks is quite a lot. Alcohol gets in the way of sexual response, makes things drier, makes tissues less flexible, and also makes injury or abrasion more likely and bleeding, as well.

3) You tried a few times all pretty close to each other. In other words, you didn't give yourself and your body time in between to relax, let go of any muscle memory when it comes to pain or discomfort you experienced, and to let go of accumulated stress, which was obviously (and is still) a pretty big piece of all this. The more frustrated you got, the more you wanted to "make it work" or else, the more likely things were to go well. What you want to go for is an environment where you're relaxed, without giant expectations, where you're cool no matter what happens, and where it feels like you can just go with the flow rather than trying to force anything. You want similar on a physical level: you want to be able to have your muscles relaxed, rather than tense (which stress and frustration ensure), you don't want to have recently had pain or discomfort to the same area, etc. Make sense?

4) You're not stopping when things hurt, but are trying to push through. Pain is our bodies' way of saying "WHOA, STOP!" basically. So, when we experience it, we don't want to keep doing what's causing pain, but stop what is and then make adjustments, take breaks, do something totally different, etc.

5) Related to #3 there, you say he is pretty chill about all this taking time to happen, not being in a hurry, not having big expectations. But it sounds like the same isn't true of you. I hear you saying you feel very annoyed with yourself, that you were expecting a particular emotional response (how people feel with any sexual activity at any time varies: there's no one way people feel), and it sounds like you feel pressure to "fix" this when, again, it's probably not really a problem to be fixed in the first place unless you make it one. It might be useful to you to see what you can do to adopt your partner's approach and attitude a bit more, let go of some of these high expectations, and also come to this kind of sex, like any other, not as something you have to achieve, but as something you only do if and when it feels good, because it feels good, and because it's something additional to explore. In other words, what can you do for yourself to cut yourself a break here, and be more relaxed about all of this, without putting so much pressure on yourself?

Do you follow me with all that?

[BlytheDraven]

Thank you for the helpful information Heather, I will take all of this on board

[Heather]

Happy to help. Anything else I can do for you for now, or that you want to dig into a little bit more here with me? If so, feel free to ask.