Orgasms...and helping my man be happy.

[brainypineapple]

I'm in a relationship with a more sexually-experienced man. We love each other and have been very open with each other about our sexuality. Before I met him, I'd had sex only a handful of times and masturbated somewhat regularly. I had never orgasmed in the presence of another man-- only over the phone or on webcam with my beaus. Then, after a short while of being together, I finally reached that big O with my current boyfriend. For whatever reason, at this point in my life I can only orgasm with focused clitoral stimulation. I haven't yet been able to orgasm with him inside me, and we've been okay with that...until this morning.
He was stimulating me, and I was stimulating myself, but no matter how much we tried, I couldn't orgasm. This isn't the first time, but it's an uncommon occurrence. Something about this morning just really set him off, though, and we both snapped. I know he's upset because he's used to being with women that orgasm so easily-- some even on command. We've not had the experience of orgasming together, and I don't know if we will. In the middle of our fight, I broke down and cried. It's always been something that bothered me and I'm very self-conscious about, and I told him that. I feel broken and dysfunctional. And I know it weighs on him too, because he feels like it's his fault. Things still ended well, though, because he saw how much it was hurting me too, and we talked through some of it before just cuddling

The thing is, I know it will come up again. Even if just in our minds... I've never faked with him, and I refuse to ever do that. I want to know how I can get over the mental hurdles keeping me from orgasming more freely. I also want to know how to talk to my bf and reassure him that our sexual activities are SO fulfilling for me even if they don't end in me orgasming!!! It sounds like BS, but it's true. As time has gone on, I realize that I may not be one of those women who orgasms 50 times per session, but I get so much fulfillment from our relationship as a whole-- and even our sex life as a whole. We don't need to keep score; if he orgasms more than me, it's ok! I know he's not blowing off my pleasure. He's wonderful, and I'm satisfied, and I want him to know that...and I just want us to be ok

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, branypineapple! I love your handle.

Before I dig in more here, can you tell me what you both "snapping" meant? Or what it means for him to be "set off?" In other words, what are we talking about here? A fight? What kind? Dd anyone yell, or say mean things, etc? A fight about what? (I ask because I'm just not understanding what there is to have a fight about or be angry about when someone doesn't orgasm, because it's just a thing that happens or doesn't, and that is also an involuntary response, like a knee twitch or a burp after a meal, basically.)

Am I also getting that one or both of you has the idea that people will always orgasm, that it's something people can even do "on command" (again: it's involuntary), and that human beings don't orgasm sometimes, and not other times? You say he's very sexually experienced, but if so, all of that information should be something he's already found out, and probably pretty soon with partners, unless people just faked with him a lot (and if he reacts poorly when orgasm doesn't happen, or gives people the idea it has to, people probably HAVE faked with him, because he hasn't made them feel like it's no big whoop whether they reach orgasm or not).

(Also, no one reaches orgasm 50 times in a sexual experience, just so's you know. Even people who do experience multiples usually don't all the time, and we're talking about a couple times, not 50, when they do. That's just not how human sexual response works.)

[brainypineapple]

Lol perhaps I was hyperbolizing a bit when I said 50

He's been very understanding before; that's what baffles me. There have been several times where he's unable to orgasm! And, yes, it's hard for me to believe that he's been with so many other women who orgasm so easily... but I've also heard the same from other guys. So are they making sh** up to sound legendary? Probably.

He gives me advice to try to help me get there... like "Don't think about it. Don't focus on it." but the only way I can finish is if I really focus hard on it! It seems partially involuntary, but also a good bit psychological. And I want to get over whatever psychological hurdles I have. I know I became comfortable enough with him to orgasm in his presence at all-- a big step for me! I tried to tell him that we'll have to take things in small steps...and work our way up to trying to orgasm together. Next step? Trying to orgasm *while* being penetrated. But it'll take patience, maybe trying different positions, speeds...maybe even toys, etc.

And when I say "snapped", yeah, we fought. He was upset because I wouldn't orgasm, and everything came out, y'know? All his frustrations like, "You know why I had you do it this time? Because my hand always gets tired from going for so long!" And of course I scoffed and talked about all the things I endured for him sexually so he could get off... yes, very healthy communication (heeeaaavy sarcasm there.) But then I started crying...and things slowed down.

[Heather]

Sorry, still trying to understand the dynamic here and not feeling like I've quite got it.

So, he yelled at you? He acted like what he has chosen to do sexually -- I am assuming we're talking consensual sex here -- when it comes to, say, what he does with his hand, is about you, not his own choices, which he could change like by stopping if his hand gets tired?

Can I also ask why you think he's been what sounds like sexually coaching you? In other words, why tell you what to do when it comes to orgasm? Why not just let your body respond however it does or doesn't?

Also, it sounds like you both are reporting that you "endure" things for the other sexually instead of only ever doing what you each want to and like. Do I have that right? If so, can you give me a sense of why you think either of you have been doing things you don't like, don't want, or kept doing things after you wanted to be doing them?

[Heather]

Just to be clear, orgasm is LITERALLY a series of involuntary central nervous system responses. It isn't about it "seeming" that way, or being "partially" involuntary, it's about it being that way, something we know from medical science and study, just like we know other involuntary responses of the body simply are involuntary.

By all means, what does or doesn't create an environment for those responses to occur -- however they occur -- is a for-real thing, like people feeling relaxed and not under pressure, being turned on and doing what feels good, having a working central nervous system without any conditions that get in the way of sexual response, etc. And in what you have posted here, it sounds some of that kind of environment is mostly not here for you (if someone has to, for instance, worry about a partner losing their shit if they don't orgasm, or are pressured to respond in any way, they are so not in an emotional or interpersonal environment conducive to sexual response just doing its thing). But it is all still about involuntary responses.