Is this guy just being manipulative?

[babi_izzi]

So there's this guy I really like (I'm 16 he's 17) and he and I are pretty good friends. He knows that I like him and has said several times that he doesn't like me and that I am like a baby sister to him. I tell him things that I don't tell anyone else, about my self esteem issues and not feeling wanted and stuff. He has been so sweet and supportive and caring. Lately, he has been very huggy and yesterday we sat just the two of us and he had his arm around my shoulder. Later that same day when we were in a group, he sat me on his lap and just held me. Then today, my friend told me that she had a conversation with him and he admitted to toying with my feelings. I am now freaking out that he was still toying with my emotions when he was listening to my problems. He doesn't know I know about the conversation. Now tonight was just like before... he was being very cuddly and when I told him more problems, he was very sweet and caring. He has told me that he used to like me but now doesn't. But when we were talking, we were talking about my squishiness and he said, "I like the squishiness. I'd tickle you even if there was no reaction... I like poking you." WHAT DOES THIS MEAN???

[Stephanie]

Have you thought about just asking him? Letting him know that you still have feelings and really need to have clear boundaries of he does not? The feelings we have for someone don't just run off because they don't feel the same way about us, but how we handle them varies depending on the person and the relationship. Here, he may be easier to have as a friend with some firm boundaries, which is okay for you to ask for so you're not hurt.

[babi_izzi]

The problem is that I really like the attention but am worried that he is playing me... He's helped me through some tough stuff and I don't really want the touchy feely stuff to go away cause it feels nice

[Ashleah]

Hi babi_izzi,

Hmmm, this seems tough. I can't tell you if his actions and friendship are genuine but what he has made clear to you is that he is not interested in a romantic relationship. Correct me if I am wrong, but it sounds like some of his behaviors are confusing to you or feel like mixed messages? I think part of the reason Stephanie mentions setting boundaries is as a way to protect yourself while staying clear on what type of relationship the two of you have.

I can certainly understand liking attention from someone that you are interested in. Just as important as paying attention to your feelings now is considering how you might feel if the relationship y'all have continues in this way. So basically, will you continue to be okay with the relationship if there isn't a change? Are you fine remaining friends? Can you, comfortably, continue a friendship with someone you like that has some physical intimacy? Will the touchy feely-ness make you feel bad (or has it ever)? For a lot of people the boundaries that Stephanie mentioned are important for continuing a relationship with someone that we like.

What is your gut feeling about all of this? Did you have an suspicions of him being sorta fake prior to the conversation with your friend?

I have to be honest and say that if what she said is true, then this person does not have your best interest in mind and seems to be deliberately trying to hurt you Definitely not something that a friend would do.

[Gladimeir15]

The problem is that I really like the attention but am worried that he is playing me...

What does this mean? You knew from the first place that he doesn't like you, and you'll say that you are worried that he's just playing and you still go on with your feelings, then be prepared to be hurt, you cant blame him later on for he told you already. But if you had doubts that hes just denying his true feelings for you, then better be straight towards him, talk to him about your present situation of what the real score is? Is everything just a game or what? If he likes you then why not accept it if the feeling is mutual there's no problem, but if not why kept on playing with your feelings. Better be clear than end up hurting.

[Heather]

Hey Gladimeir15: I'd like to ask you to remember to please do your best, as we ask everyone, to bring kindness when taking part in our community, especially as someone outside the age group we serve. Everyone, no matter our age, is always in a learning process with all of this, but that's especially true for the people in their teens and twenties Scarleteen exists to serve. We can be direct while still being thoughtful, gentle and kind. Thanks.

[babi_izzi]

So I talked to him about boundries (thank you all for the suggestions) and I found out he really liked me and didn't want to go out with me because he was scared that he would pressure me into something I didn't want to do. But we are gonna give it a shot. Thank you Scarleteen for being here.

[Mo]

I'm glad you were able to have a good conversation with him! It sounds like it went well.