sex w/ boyfriend has changed

[cerisier]

Hello,

I'm a 23 year old who has been dating my boyfriend for a few years, since college. Over the course of our relationship, he has been able to realize that he is really into anal stimulation (fingers, sex toys etc). This was a slow process bc he is very sensitive about it - if I showed the slightest bit of surprise or confusion at something he asked me to do (I had no experience with this) he would get very self-consicious and I would gently encourage him to open up about it.

This was all great with me! However, over the past couple months his interests have gotten more...direct. He can only get off currently by him masturbating and me basically dirty talking about how guys would want to have sex with him. It feels like he will rush through intercourse to get to this. I feel really conflicted about this because I don't want to say anything that makes him feel ashamed (maybe he's bi?) or like I am disgusted by him, but I also feel very undesired. He still 'goes through the motions' to do things that make me feel good and tells me he's still very much attracted to me, I'm just having trouble believing it. I'm particularly trying to be sensitive because there was a couple month period where I was on a birth control that made my sex drive pretty low. I know he felt self-consicious during that period even though I assured him that I still loved him and found him attractive. So I know what it's like to feel like your sexuality is kind of out of your hands, but I also think this is a bit different.

Do you have any advice for approaching this conversation? I feel very alone. Thank you!

[Sam W]

Hi Cerisier,

I would actually tell him what you've told us here, since you've presented it in a pretty gentle and direct way (I might leave out the bit about guessing at his motives, especially in the initial conversation). You could also approach it from the angle of wanting to switch up the patterns you two have developed around sex, and to have a frank conversation about what you're both looking for (and not looking for) from your sex lives right now. Does that sound like something that he'd respond to?

[cerisier]

I think it's worth a try. I'm glad it comes off as gentle. Dude is away with some friends for a week - will give it a try when he returns. I appreciate this forum as a way to verbalize something I never talk about and thank you for your response!