Waiting

[moonlight]

I have had a pregnancy risk and now my period is late. I took EC but waited a long time (36 hours). And the waiting two weeks for a test to be accurate is killing me. I cried so much today.

I have support from friends. But what I am hoping you can help me with is: do you have any advice on how to not go out of my mind until it's been two weeks?

Thank you!

(Also, so sorry if this goes against your pregnancy scare policy, I couldn't tell even though I read it and I really need the support so I thought I'd risk my thread getting locked).

[Sam W]

Hi moonlight,

As long as we focus on what you can do to take the stress off and not on whether there was a risk/asking us to act in place of the pregnancy test, you'll be within bounds.

The biggest thing to try is to go to this self-care piece. I've found that what works well for a lot of folks is to make up a list of five to ten things off the list, so you have a variety to try when you need them. I would also enlist your friends as much as you're able to, more for distraction purposes to give you people to spend time with, rather than stressing out alone: Self-Care a La Carte

[moonlight]

Hi Sam and thanks for the reply. I'm really relieved that I wasn't violating the policy and I promise not to do the things you said would violate it.

As much as I would love to use Scarleteen as a replacement for a pregnancy test just so I could know NOW, it is impossible for you to know, you're not psychic or omnipotent.

I am scared. And I want my parents. But it is my fault for not using any BC and I don't want to tell them half the story or lie and say a condom broke.

If I end up pregnant, even then I'm not sure I'd tell them. Plus I am currently on exchange half way across the world. So what I really need I can't have. What I really need is a hug from my parents.

[moonlight]

Sorry for the double post. I also wanted to add: part of why this is so scary for me is because abortion is illegal in the country I am in. So I would have to leave the country at high expense to go have an abortion.

I go home in two months though, so would a later term abortion be legal in Canada? I don't know and I probably should research it unless I have a positive pregnancy test. Plus I don't know how I feel, ethically about later term abortion. I support the right of others to make that decision, I just don't know if it is the one I would make.

I am afraid and anxious and I will try the self care a la carte after work. Until then, I will be distracted by my dream volunteer job: teaching kids in a tropical paradise.

[Heather]

If it helps to know, in the past, we have financially helped out a few users over the years who needed funding for abortion -- including with travel -- and could not procure it, or all of it, when they explored other channels. So, what I'd suggest you do for yourself is set aside those worries about abortion access, and trust that if that were to be an issue, and money was an issue, we'd find a way to make it a non-issue for you. In other words, that kind of what-if worry not only won't help you out here, it isn't needed: you are part of a community where we take abortion access very seriously and do whatever we need to to make it a reality for our users in need.

[moonlight]

Thank you Heather this really does help to know.

[Heather]

Of course. Seriously, don't worry about that. If you needed someone to have your back in that department, and to work to help get you access to what you needed, we'd be here and work as hard as we needed to to do that. We got you.

[moonlight]

I just got my period! I have never felt relief like this before.

Thank you again for the support, it really made this whole experience easier to deal with.

[Heather]

Nothing like a pregnancy scare to make you appreciate your period.

[moonlight]

So, pregnancy scare again (I think?). And you don't need to remind me of the rules of the forum, I'm not going to waste your time. But I need help.

(I've had to return to my home country for health reasons, so the fear of being unable to obtain an abortion is no longer my chief concern.)

I am not actually sure if this counts as a pregnancy risk so I would really appreciate your expertise in determining whether it was safe or not. I started BCP and 6 days later had the possibly risky intercourse (and this was day 6 on BCP but only post 5 pills, I still had yet to take the 6th pill that day). We had intercourse twice. Once with a condom and then immediately - no bathroom breaks - without. He did not cum the second time, but did the first. So there was semen on his penis, as well as sperm in his urethra that could have come out in pre-ejaculate. I don't know what the packaging says about when the medication becomes effective, because it was in Spanish and at the time I barely had enough Spanish to buy the BCP, let alone read important details like that. I was on the kind of BCP with two hormones, BTW. So, was this even a risk? I think it was, but I can't be sure.

I'm not late yet for period. Not, medically speaking, for another 20 days. (When I use the definition that a late period is 5 days past the last date you could reasonably expect your period to be. Which the pregnancy tests provided me with). But I am exactly 14 days post-risk and I've heard that you can test then? Is that true? I guess it depends on what the pregnancy test says and this one doesn't say that.

And to top it all off, my boyfriend isn't pro-choice. His exact words when I bring up abortion: "eso es malo" (that is bad). He knows that it is my decision, if I am pregnant, but it's not a thing I want to have to do without his support and I don't know whether I would have it, if I were pregnant and I were to choose abortion. So that makes this whole thing harder to handle.

Finally, I need help making smarter sexual decisions. I am making these decisions in the heat of the moment, and not discussing them beforehand with my boyfriend. We've started the discussions, well I have, but it's tough. In his country they don't have sex ed, so he doesn't have half the knowledge that I do about it. I feel like his teacher in this regard, rather than his partner. And while I love being a teacher, I need a break from it in my sexual and romantic relationships! But if I want to be sexual with him we need to talk about this stuff and I'm going to be playing teacher until he has the basic sex-ed his schooling failed to provide him. I'd gladly give him links to Scarleteen in Spanish, but recall that he doesn't have internet access. So I'm stuck. I mean right now it is impossible for us to have sex, being in different countries and all, but that situation is temporary. I do return for work to his country again once I am well and I do want to have sex with him then.

So I need to sort out what I need to be comfortable with sex and what steps I need to take in terms of communicating with him before that sex begins again.

So, thanks in advance for all the advice?

[Heather]

Before I dig in too much here, I have to say that (well, I don't *have* to, but responding otherwise doesn't feel right) I'm feeling a little like talking about how to communicate in this relationship, specifically, about sex doesn't make a lot of sense since the last conversation we had about this relationship was about you starting to make decisions about what to do with it, full-stop, and to my knowledge, that isn't something you've resolved yet for yourself.

If you two were seeing one another in person and being sexual together while you were making up your mind about that, that'd make more sense to me, but since you're not, it just feels like...I don't know, a distraction, I guess? From the bigger, thornier issues at hand? Do you know what I mean?

You know we're not -- and won't -- dig into what does and doesn't present pregnancy risks here, because we already have all that content on the main site and our current policy with "is X a risk?" when someone is having a scare is that we won't go there in direct services anymore. How effective BCPs and condoms are at preventing pregnancy, in typical and perfect use, is reflected in their effectiveness rates. I honestly think -- IMO -- the bigger thing to pay attention to with all of this is how you are feeling about it. I would suggest you listen to these continued feelings of conflict and worry, because I personally think they are probably linked to your overall conflicts and concerns with the relationship as a whole.

(Btw, I feel a bit like my responses to you lately haven't been sitting well with you, so if you're feeling like you'd rather talk to another staff member besides myself for any reason, please just let me know, and I'll leave your posts for someone you feel more of an affinity with.)

[moonlight]

(Btw, I feel a bit like my responses to you lately haven't been sitting well with you, so if you're feeling like you'd rather talk to another staff member besides myself for any reason, please just let me know, and I'll leave your posts for someone you feel more of an affinity with.)

They really aren't. I hope you don't take it personally though I just am having a rough time lately and a lot things aren't sitting well with me. (And please don't forever swear of engaging with me. It's just this topic right now that we're not really jiving on, so later if I'm back at the boards, please don't feel like I don't want your input, I really highly value your opinion, it's just not working right this second for me. OK?).

As per your other questions I'm sure that anyone else will just ask me to address those points too, so I might as well do so now.

I have resolved how I feel about staying in this relationship, I want to and am staying in it until and unless my feelings change. I have the energy to put into it and I get more out of it than I put in. I dislike that it is long distance, but it won't be long distance forever, so I can handle it temporarily.

And sorry about asking something that went against your policy, guess when my concerns are in the pregnancy realm I really do need to brush up on the policy about that.

And I hear you about feelings of conflict and worry. But this whole thing is complicated, because, as I can't recall whether I've mentioned, I am suffering from a Bipolar manic episode right now. Recovering remarkably quickly, but ill nevertheless. So these hasty, rash decisions about not using condoms are not about my judgement, really. But about my judgement when I am ill. Which might sound like I'm trying to excuse myself from responsibility, but I'm not. I know am responsible for the decisions I make when I am ill. I'm just trying to explain that I am worlds healthier now than when I made those risky, regrettable decisions, and that I will be healthier in a month when I see my boyfriend again and sex enters into the realm of possibility once more. So I don't know that these are the red flags you seem to be suggesting, if that is what you're saying.

And I know now, after a major disagreement, that I do have my boyfriend's support if I am pregnant, whatever I choose. So that is a major relief.

So, could someone please help me with my questions (the ones that don't violate any policies)?

[Heather]

Oh, don't concern yourself with me. I just want to make sure you feel served well ere, that's my concern. It's not any user's job here to try and manage my feelings or worry about them beyond basic mutual respect stuff.

Also, please know that my own feels and ethics with mental illness are that the impact it has on how a person lives their life isn't about being responsible or irresponsible, just like it isn't with physical illness.

Like I said, what you're asking here is really about how effective BCPs alone are, and condoms and BCP combined are, and BCP and withdrawal combined is and that's information that is given my the effectiveness ratings of those methods. And when used properly, BCPs alone are highly effective, as are both those combos. Do any of them present NO risk? Nope, because no method or combination of methods in 100% effective.

My concern with the time you didn't use a condom would be with STIs, not pregnancy, given how new this partner is for you. (Don't mean to add worries, btw, just trying to be real about risks that are real.)

You can test for pregnancy and expect accurate results based on the instructions for a given test: tests tell you when to test. So, just follow the directions.

Per other relationship talk, I'll just go ahead and leave a note in our staff area that someone besides me should pick any of that up with you for now. Like I said, it's important to me our users are served well, and a good fit with who someone is talking to matters: I want you to have one.

[moonlight]

Thank you Heather.

And yeah, I know I put myself at risk for STIs. I've gotten tested and will retest in 6 months as per my doctor's recommendations. And until then, condoms. Oh and condoms until he is tested too, though I don't know how easy it is to get tested in his country, so that could well mean condoms for years to come.

[Heather]

Of course.

[Mo]

Hi moonlight,

In terms of making smarter sexual decisions, as you mention above, I know that a language barrier can make in-depth conversations harder but there's really no substitute for communication when you're trying to establish different patterns and habits in a relationship. Can I ask what areas of conversation make you feel like you're stuck in teacher-land?
In terms of what to talk about, I think at the very least a conversation would cover a) what you're comfortable with (in terms of types of sex, birth control & safer sex precautions) b) what he's comfortable with, in the same areas c) where those areas of comfort overlap, with an agreement about the boundaries you want to set.

If you haven't read these articles, I think they're a helpful place to start and might give you some good talking points:
Whoa, There! How to Slow Down When You're Moving Too Fast
When Sex "Just Happened" (And How to Make It Happen Instead)

One thing that can happen with long-distance relationships is that when people don't see each other often, or see each other after a long absence, it can be easy to get swept up in the feeling that sex has to happen and has to be the Best Sex Ever when they DO get time in person. If you feel like that sort of anticipation might encourage you to put off these conversations for a bit, or, say, have intercourse without a condom if there's not one handy because you're just so glad to be back, that might be something to bring up too. Sometimes just saying "I want to be mindful of this potential situation" is enough to give that idea some extra weight.

Also, I think it's a good idea to take the possibility of manic episodes into account when you're thinking about what you're comfortable with and where you want to draw limits. It sounds like you think you'll be out of that space by the next time you see your boyfriend, but as time goes on there's no way to guarantee you won't have another episode when you're together. If you're currently getting any mental healthcare, I think this is a great thing to bring up (you can frame it as a question of risk-taking behaviors or something similar if you don't want to specifically talk about sex), and if you aren't, it might be something to pursue. I don't know what, specifically, would be most helpful in managing risk during manic episodes but it could give you some peace of mind to have a plan in place.

[moonlight]

Just want to let you know I've seen this and I'm working on a response.

Thanks!