Nosy boss

[Butterfly9]

So I understand that where I work they are a little backwards but I want to know how OK this is without asking my coworkers first.
I'm not a teen I am an adult and this is my first serious relationship since working here. I'm close with some of the female coworkers and I'm female so naturally I've told them I'm dating someone they ask for what my plans for the weekend. They've never asked or said anything that seemed off hand.
My boss on the other hand keeps asking questions. Within a month he asked if I'm having sex with this guy. Yep asked me right in his office. He's in his 60s I'm late 20s
He wants us to use protection...
He wants to know if my guy proposed
He wants to meet my guy someday
He wants to know his name where does he work
Frankly this is none of his business and makes me uncomfortable talking to a male like this
Again today he asked my bfs name and I wouldn't tell him. He replied with "you are very private and I respect that but its not conductive to making friends" or something like that
Am I just overreacting or would it bother anyone else sharing your private stuff with your boss?

[Mo]

You're not overreacting at all - this is incredibly inappropriate on his part, and constitutes sexual harassment. Any time he brings it up, it's fine to just say "sorry, that's a personal question and I like to keep my personal and professional lives separate" or something similar. If he mentions you being private again, you can just agree with him. It's very manipulative of him to claim that doesn't lead to making friends - talking about your sex life or relationships isn't the only way to build a friendship - and I'm sure he knows it.
If your workplace is large enough to have an HR person/department, this is something you may want to talk to them about if it continues, with the caveat that some people are much better at handling sexual harassment complaints than others. No matter what you decide I think it's a good idea to start keeping a paper trail when these comments happen, if they continue; you can keep a document somewhere with the date and content of his comments. That way if you ever do decide to talk to someone higher-up at your job about this, you have a clear history of his comments to set out.

I'm not saying you need to take that step, though! If you just want to remind him that those aren't questions you're willing to answer and that you want to keep things professional, with the knowledge that his comments are in NO way ok or appropriate, that's fine too.

[Butterfly9]

Thanks
I wanted a second opinion I guess I tell my mom and she never said its harassment but she says its not his business. I don't mind sharing some stuff but the direction he's been dragging it that's why today I said I didn't want to share his name. I figured if I just set up a barrier like that he should respect it.
I don't have documentation but I did text my sister about how he asked if I was having sex that one day so that should be easy to find in my phone
Its a small family owned company not sure what hr can do cause the boss is the owner so I dunno...
Its just good to know that its OK with not wanting to talk to him anymore about this relationship

[Mo]

I think for now, just having a record of comments is a good idea - the one about him specifically asking if you were having sex is the most out of line, for sure - in case it's needed in the future, but these sorts of issues often are a lot harder to address in small businesses like what you're describing!

We're definitely happy, however, to say that you aren't overreacting here and your desire to keep this private is 100% fine.

[Butterfly9]

Oh and when he asked if I was having sex he mentioned he was worried like my father
Its also known to my female coworkers that its a ldr so when I see him we stay at each others place
My boss has mentioned his mother would never have allowed his now wife to stay the night before they were married
It seems like he's being perverted but masking it under "concern" for me

[Butterfly9]

OK its just good to know he doesn't have the right to make me feel bad not wanting to answer his questions

[Mo]

I think you have it exactly right! The concern is just a smokescreen.

A lot of people (especially in a situation like this where they're significantly older and/or in a position of authority) learn how to hide their prurient interest behind faked curiosity or worry juuuust enough that they have plausible deniability when called on it. Sadly this isn't uncommon at all.

[Heather]

It might be helpful to you to see both your state policies, and federal policies, about sexual harassment -- what constitutes it, what to do about it -- on the job.

If so, here are some starting points:
• http://nwlc.org/issue/sexual-harassment ... workplace/
• http://www.wageproject.org/files/psxh.php (in your case, you'll want to look at information about hostile work environments)
• http://www.equalrights.org/legal-help/k ... t-at-work/

This advice answer may also be of use:
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse ... hould_i_do

Have you yet told him -- and putting this in writing as well would be a good idea -- that he is NOT to ask you personal questions about your dating or sexual life? If not, that is an important first step. In other words, you want to set a very clear limit with him about this. That way, if he oversteps that limit, you have clear legal protection and recourse because that would make very clear that his questions and behaviour are unwanted and unwelcomed.

If you haven't yet done that, I'd strongly advise that you do. A simple letter (if sent by mail make it certified mail so you have proof of his receipt of the letter) or intra-office email (using work email addresses) that says something like:

"Dear <his full name>,
You have repeatedly asked me very personal questions about my dating or sexual life at work, and have also repeatedly discussed those areas of my life with me at work without my request or permission, such as by telling me to use contraception.

This is inappropriate behaviour in the workplace from an employer or co-worker, and is not wanted or welcomed by me. I am asking you to please stop asking about this area of my life or otherwise talking with me about it immediately. Under labor laws, I am entitled to a workplace free of any kind of sexual harassment.

Thank you,
<Your full name>"

Chances are, a letter like that alone will get him to back off immediately, because we will see that you are aware of your legal rights. If he doesn't, a letter like that gives you what you need to take cation, and can also help protect you from things like him firing you because you wouldn't allow him to harass you at work.

[Butterfly9]

Unfortunately I just let this go and didn't say anything. This was the owner that was saying those things.
Now our HR manager and CO person is doing something similar too. He's always asking how my bf is doing. He tells me to break up with my bf cause then my bf will want me more. Yesterday he's asking what high school my bf went to when I got mad he said I was in a bad mood and I was very mean to him...will this letter work for him too?
I'm looking for a new job but very few around here. I want health insurance otherwise I'd probably just quit and go to the grocery store to work but stores around here only offer part time.

[Butterfly9]

I'm mostly afraid I'll get yelled at if I'd do this letter. They yell there a lot...
But its not just in my head right? Its nosy and wrong of them...especially since they are men in a position of higher authority of me :/

[Ashleah]

Hi Butterfly9,

This is definitely not in your head. In general, it sounds like your work environment isn't very comfortable. I can't imagine many, if any, places it would be appropriate to yell at an employee. That paired with the personal questions and over interest in your relationships...is a mess! I'm glad to hear that you are looking for a new job (hope something turns up soon)!

I also think your concern with their authority is valid. That undoubtedly can make it more difficult to address this. But as Mo and Heather said, I think it is a good idea to let them know these conversations make you uncomfortable and you do not wish to discuss your personal life/relationships. Either a conversation or a letter would work, although a letter would give you documentation.

Do you concerned with repercussions outside of yelling? Something that would impact you financially, like your hours being reduced (if your are not salaried)?

[Butterfly9]

Thanks
I don't like to rock the boat I guess I just keep my head down stay out of trouble and do my work. If nothing else I just want to know that its more than justme thinking they are out of line...someone to listen
No I'm mostly afraid of them yelling. If they cut my hours work wouldn't get done so that would hurt them not me. It would just make me move more on finding any other job.

[Sam W]

Hi Butterfly,

If the yelling is what you're afraid of, then sending the letter in the form of an email may be a good option. It would give you some distance from their initial reaction, as well as provide documentation of the incident. It won't guarantee that they won't yell at you, but then again standing up for yourself and your boundaries sometimes involves getting yelled at. How does that sound as a plan?