It's really weighing me down a lot.

[Audryll]

Sorry but This thread would kinda be jumbled up because I can't think straight when I'm feeling like this. --Why is it so hard to even recover. I know it's hard to recover when it's still happening but... I cn still do it right. But....all I do is keep blaming myself. I know it's not but..I just keep on blaming myself for no reason And even getting scared while reading articles or anything close to it. Honestly. I want to tell. Everything is dying to come out. The only thing is. There's too much what ifs, assumptions and consequences. Having random flashbacks and nightmare really sucks. It's scary. My heart gets heavy and everything just keeps pilling up. --I just don't know how long will I be able to hold it on. How do I remind myself it's not my fault.... And if he didn't apply force is it still abuse? Is it wrong to keep telling myself this isn't abuse this is all just a joke? I isolate myself a lot too.

[Iwanthelp]

And if he didn't apply force is it still abuse?

It's still abuse.

I don't know how you stop self-blame effectively but something that helps me sometimes is to try avoid kicking myself for feeling bad, that tends to exarcebate the bad feelings. External validation can help with self-blame feelings, like others agreeing it's not your fault. Sorry you're having a rough time, recovery can take quite a while.

[Heather]

I feel like we've been very clear that what you have reported to us is abuse. Alas, I don't think us just saying it is again and again, though, is going to make you believe it, because you believing standard definitions of abuse is about more than knowing those facts, or hearing someone tell you something is abuse. It often has to do with things like getting away from environments, like an abusive home, where someone is getting false messages that abuse is normal or not abuse, getting qualified and ongoing help, like from a sound counselor, and sometimes simply being away from abusive environments for long enough -- which can be weeks or months, but is more often years -- to better understand, see and believe abuse for what it is.

Unfortunately, healing while we are still being harmed just isn't very likely, just like, if we break a leg, it's not going to heal if we never get a cast put on it or we keep walking on it.

We understand that it is scary, often very scary, to take the steps to do the things anyone can to get out of or away from -- or to change -- an unsafe home and into a safer environment where you ARE safe and thus CAN start healing and getting the kind of help and support where you can start to feel differently. We also respect the choices anyone is making when in that situation.

We want to help. That's why we keep doing all we can to refer you to local organizations and agencies which CAN ably help you with this, as we cannot. It's your choice as to if you're willing to work with them or not, including if you're willing to let them do what they can to intervene in your home, like by filing reports so the abuse in your home can be investigated, and you can be made more safe.

But what we just can't do -- because we simply lack the ability, not because we are unsympathetic -- if you are choosing NOT to engage with those agencies, is act in their stead. We just can't do what they can do, as we are not set up to be a local family abuse intervention service. Abusive family interventions are simply something that can only happen locally, not something an international sexuality and relationships educations service, especially one who mostly operates online save our own local outreach, can do. If we could, we would. Same goes for that if there was help we could give you in healing while still in a place you're being harmed, we would.

I'm going to again give you some links here about these topics and questions, and then another set of links with local helps for you to consider, which I will still strongly suggest that you do. I get -- and for me, it's very personal, as I left home around your age myself to get away from abuse -- that it all can feel scary in its own way, but I need to repeat again, because it would be irresponsible for me not to, that doing what you can to get yourself safe, and using the helps available to you in that, is always going to be a safer and more empowering move than not.

Here are those links:
• Blinders Off: Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault
• The Scarleteen Safety Plan
• Self-Care When It's Scary

And some of your local agencies who ARE capable and equipped to help you:
• http://www.awam.org.my/helpline/
• http://www.wao.org.my/Do+You+Need+Help_62_62_1.htm
• http://www.unicef.org/malaysia/campaign ... abuse.html

[Audryll]

I don't want to leave home... But my abuse is not tht serious right..? Sorry...I'm just really overwhelmed rn..

[Audryll]

Hi Iwanthelp,
Thanks for the tip

[Audryll]

Aite I'll try contacting one of them again

[Snorkmaiden]

Glad to hear it.

As for how serious it is: Well, it's clearly serious enough to make you feel pretty rotten. And no one should be made to feel that way.

[Audryll]

Uhm what should I do if he's sleeping with me...the same bed... Because of relatives coming over

[Ashleah]

Audryll,

I'm so sorry that you have been going through all this. You deserve to feel and be safe in your home. From what you have described here and in other post, your home environment is not safe and the situation is escalating. And based off the things that you have shared I am concerned for your safety, but unfortunately, we are not in the position to intervene which is why we have been working to get you connected to the agencies in your area who can. I don't know if you decided to contact the agencies that Heather mentioned, but if not this is still the best route to go in order to get help. If you have, what you have said here should be added to any report that has been made.

[Audryll]

Hey heather,
Was it really really scary when you left home for it...sorry if it's personal you don't have to reply I you don't wanna

[Heather]

It's okay to ask.

Honestly, no, because I had already found that living in my abusive home was much scarier and more dangerous than even occasionally sleeping places like on benches at subway stops. I also only did it when a) I made sure that I had another place to stay, and b) had other kinds of supports, like a counselor, and c) when the window was there for me to be able to do it as safely as possible. And that was even a long time before there were things like help services for stuff like this.

If anything, I'd say that at the very moment I could finally get out for good, what I felt wasn't fear, but freedom and excitement. No longer having to live in a home where abuse happened and was enabled, and where there wasn't ever a single minute where I could count on being safe felt awful: changing that so that that was no longer the case felt wonderful.

By the way, I sent an email to AWAM last week to ask what help service they would suggest for someone who did not want a report to be filed -- or just wasn't ready yet to do that -- and they suggested this one:

"The Befrienders" provides a 24 hour telephone service. The contact numbers is 03-79568144 or 03-79568145.

More information can be found at http://www.befrienders.org.my/

Personally, I'd still encourage you to go through the channels that involve a report being filed so long as, before that happens, they can assure you they can get you somewhere safe. I respect, however, your right to make whatever choice with this feels like the best one for you. And if you're choosing not to report, then I'd suggest you use that hotline for any ongoing issues of abuse within your family.

[Audryll]

Thank you

[Audryll]

I'm just really bad at making decisions

[Audryll]

There's too much responsibility...

[Karyn]

Making decisions can be difficult, yep, although the staff at the phone hotline Heather gave you may be able to help you work through that decision-making process. But ultimately this is something you're going to have to decide for yourself: we've already made it clear here that we don't think your home is a safe place for you to be, and there's a limit to what we can do while you are still there.

[Audryll]

What Is the best way to make a decision though?

[Audryll]

I'll contact them as soon as I get back

[Sam W]

Hi Audryll,

For most people, making choices comes down to weighing the good stuff with the bad stuff that might result from that choice and deciding which you'd rather deal with at the moment (Heather's example above about choosing where to sleep is a good example). When it's about a particular, scary incident or situation, that's the time to contact something like the hotline AWAM recommended to have someone who can help you talk about your options

[Audryll]

Sorry but honestly. I'm not a brave person.... I'm always the first to get out of the situation. I don't mind me getting hurt. But I just don't want anyone else getting in trouble or stuff like tht. I'm sorry I wasted so much of you guys time. I'm just a fuck up. I don't think I'll be brave enough to do tht....maybe know the future? But tbh now...I can't.... After all. He's leaving for college next year. So he will be gone right. I'm so sorry...

[Audryll]

I don't deserve help...

[Snorkmaiden]

Hey there,
Sorry to hear you're feeling so down on yourself. Is there anything you can do right now that might make you feel a tiny bit better? Maybe a specific song you can listen to, or a video of your favourite animal that you can watch?

[Heather]

I feel like we keep getting caught in a loop where you come asking about what you can do in your family. We then offer what advice we can -- which really is to work with services and organizations that serve families and abuse and can intervene, a kind of service and organization ours isn't -- and by and large, you either want us to be able to do things we just can't (we get it: we sometimes want to be able to help in ways we can't, too), or simply don't want to go the routes we or the organizations that can serve you are suggesting. Then you feel bad about that, and post about how much you suck.

I'm not a fan of this particular feedback loop.

When we say that we respect the choices of someone in abuse, or surviving abuse, please know that that is in earnest, and includes someone's own self-assessment that they do not, at any given time, feel able to leave or report. We know very well that this is all complex, and we also know that when someone has grown up with and in abuse, resilience can be very difficult to come by. When someone doesn't have it -- or when someone feels too scared to do anything but just try and get through and survive (which in and of itself takes bravery, btw) -- we understand. This doesn't mean a person sucks, doesn't deserve help, or isn't worth someone's time.

You also, for the record, don't owe us or anyone else any given response to your abuse or home situation: this is all about you, what you want to and are able to do for yourself, and what you need. We need you to respect limits we've set around what we can do with this kind of situation in the first place -- which again, isn't much, and that's why we keep referring you to services that DO do this kind of work when you ask for help -- but otherwise, this isn't about us. It's about you, and you don't owe us any apologies about what you feel is within your own wants and abilities.

Here's what I propose is that moving forward from here when it comes to you and our service:
1) You remember that we simply are not the kind of organization or service that can intervene or help when it comes to living in family abuse, and when you do want that kind of help, or want to talk about your options, you call into one of the services we've researched and provided for you for that. I truly feel like that this point, we have already exhausted the ways we can help you with this situation, and I don't feel like going round and round with that here seems to be benefitting you. I actually suspect it may be making you feel worse rather than better.

2) You stop coming here to bad-talk yourself. This has been going on a lot. What happens when you do that is that the best we can do is just validate that we don't feel that way about you or agree, but that kind of loop can actually keep you from learning to validate yourself, and tell YOURSELF you don't suck, are worthy, etc. which will tend to have a lot more staying power than someone outside, like us, telling you that. It also doesn't tend to hep any of us to come somewhere and talk about how much we suck: that kind of negative self-talk is more likely to knock down our own strength and self-esteem than build it up.

3) You stick to using the service for the kinds of things we CAN do. We are primarily a sexuality, sexual health and relationships service. We CAN answer questions and provide support about those things. We DO have that ability. We also CAN help with things like how to build self-esteem, and learn self-care skills like positive self-talk, and ways you can care for yourself even when still living in a home situation that isn't safe or positive.

Okay?

[Audryll]

Okay sorry

[Heather]

Again, you don't owe anyone here any apologies: there's nothing to be sorry about. I've said what I have mostly with you in mind, and with being supportive of you in ways that I think are more likely to help you take care of yourself and feel good about yourself than the opposite.

[Audryll]

Okay...