New Relationship

[simome05]

In June I started seeing this great guy, he's 31 and I'm 28. He's a pilot for a smaller airline and is being bounced around since completing training in August. We chat and text throughout the weeks and I'm typically the dominant initiator, between the two of us. Here's where I'm so confused. We waited to kiss till about two weeks ago. Which was totally worth the wait. We also did a lot more then just kiss, but I stopped it because I haven't seen him in a month. I felt like we needed to go a on date, then come back to my place. Which he agreed. He told me, I just want you to know, I'm not seeing anyone else and he know's I'm not either. Does that mean we are boyfriend and girlfriend? I'm so confused and I get really nervous bringing it up on the phone. I just need advice, I swear all I do is cry and think about putting my feelings out there. But he's so hard to read sometimes and I know virgo's are like that. Any advice is much appreciated, especially how to win a virgos heart...

[Jacob]

Hey Simone!

Welcome to scarleteen!

I wouldn't really recommend writing off someone's personality to their star sign even if it might sometimes be useful for us to riff off those initial ideas. I know I sometimes enjoy horoscopes as light-hearted reading, but when it comes to real relationships? It pays to think about people as individuals.

That said, plenty of people will have relationships where they do use 'partner' or 'girlfriend' or 'boyfriend' or 'spouse' even when they are seeing more people... so for me that doesn't indicate anything. Really these are just words we use to best explain or express what a relationship means to us and our partner... so for you all you can do is ask him... it's not a question of whether you are bf & gf, it's just a question of whether you want to be called that.

[Heather]

To add on, the way that we decide together what kind of relationship that is and what that means is by deciding together: by communicating and negotiating these things clearly and openly.

So, when you say "boyfriend and girlfriend," it sounds like that means something to you, things that may or may not mean to someone else. To see if we are and want to be on the same page we have to talk to each other, rather than trying to make guesses. In fact, we know from both study and anecdote that guessing or assuming rarely works out well and often results, for instance, in misunderstandings like one person thinking they have an exclusive relationship while the other did not think so. Why not just have these conversations?

Why do you think you are crying about this all of the time, btw? When we first start dating someone, things should be pretty light, after all, so if you feel upset a lot, I would see if you can't figure out why and make sure this is a good time and soace for you to be dating and that this is someone you have so far found makes you feel happy, not upset. After all, if right from the start like this a brand new relationship makes us feel sad and distressed, that is usually a big cue it might not be a good one for us.

[simome05]

Thanks for the advice Jacob

Heather- Its hard communicating with him. Since he's always on the go. Right now he's based in Las Vegas and living in a hotel. I never know when a good time is to call or text. Another part of the equation is I've never taken a relationship this far. I've dated here and there for years, but I've never been this serious with someone. Since our first phone call to each other, we've had a such great chemistry. We dated for a month, then he left for pilot training. When he left I made him take the lead in communicating. Because I wasn't sure about his weird schedule. Now that he's done with training we text and chat not everyday but maybe every other day or two. But sometimes I feel he's clueless when it comes to flirting. Here's an example

Me: Whatcha up to hottie?
B: Eating dinner with my sister. You?
Me: Laying in bed, watching tv.
B: Nice! Anything good on?
Me: Nothing much.
An hour gap
B: Just finished dinner with my sister.
Me: Nice. I'm still laying in bed and now I'm thinking of you...
B: Sweet! I've got to go to bed. Chat with you later.
Me: Night!

My friends keep telling me my texts are very sterile and I need to step it up. But I'm so inexperienced that I don't know what else to do. They also think, I'm over thinking everything.

About the crying. I think it's because I'm on the pill and I've never been on it before.It's not like I'm crying over everything. I've felt kind of vulnerable since our hookup, since it's new territory for me. But he's said a lot of nice things. But I think it's just real hard, not seeing him all the time. When we first started dating we would go on 2 dates a week and now were lucky if we see each other once a month. I really would love to visit him in vegas, but I'm not sure about how to bring that subject up. All I know is when were together, it feels like we haven't been apart and he makes feel so happy and vice versa.

All I know is I really want him to be my boyfriend and I'm so nervous about bring the "What are we" subject up.

[Redskies]

Hi, simome05.

People do have very different texting styles and different comfort zones. Some people use texts to communicate quite deeply and personally with a partner, and other people use texts just to keep in touch by saying hi and for making arrangements. I don't think there's anything wrong with your style, if it's the way you feel best about communicating at the moment; I don't think it's "sterile" or that you need to "step up" anything. Looking at those short exchanges, too, there are two possible cues you gave him where someone might have responded flirtatiously, and he didn't: so, I don't think there's a need to change your texting style unless that's something you want to do yourself. Too, I don't think it helps to try to read anything into him not taking you up on the cues, as there are so many possible reasons - he might simply be someone who isn't really into flirting over text, or he might be in any number of situations where he feels completely un-flirty (eg, being with his sister ).

You said that you never know when it's a good time to call or text. That feeling can certainly make any of us feel very unsure and insecure! It's probably an easy place to start talking about some of this with him. I'd suggest just letting him know that the uncertainty of it makes you feel uncomfortable, and ask if there's something you can figure out between you where he can either let you know generally when are good times to contact him - times that he can assure you won't be any inconvenience or problem for him, even if he's not available right then, and that he'll return your call within a timescale you both agree on and feel comfortable with - or set up particular times for the two of you to talk a few days or a week in advance. How does that sound?

Do you also feel like you're getting enough quality communication while he's away? Balancing people and things in a busy life can certainly be challenging, but if you're feeling like you're not getting as much - or any - real conversation with him while he's away, that's something to bring up too. Your need for that is as important as his need to meet all his other commitments, so if this is going to feel good for both of you, it's important that you can both figure out something that works within both your lives and meets enough of both of your needs.