Regarding STIs, safer sex and relationships (also herpes)

[TheNiteHawk]

Hello everyone,

To begin, my girlfriend and I have been together for a few months. We're also exclusive and monogamous. Last Thursday, we went and got tested for STIs (chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, and HIV). We should have the results sometime this week (probably Monday or Tuesday).

We're both our first sexual partners, and we've been using protection every time, consistently, including for oral sex (for both of us ). We're saving intercourse until she gets on birth control, but there's no rush for that. More than likely, both of our tests will come back negative. If so, and assuming that we stay in a monogamous relationship, would we be able to go without using protection (except for intercourse, as a backup for the birth control)?

Assuming we both test negative, then we're at a low risk. Especially since we've only ever kissed people before. I don't know about her, but as for me, it's been a few years. As an addition, I got all three rounds of the HPV vaccine, Gardasil. I don't know about her, though, I should ask.

Of course, we're going to discuss this beforehand. Now, what I'm worried about, is herpes, because you can't really test for that easily. I've never had a breakout that I remember (or at least associated with herpes), but I know that doesn't mean I don't have it. That's really it, especially if we test negative for everything else. I tend to worry about things quite a bit, and I'd like to discuss this with her.

What I'm asking, is would we safely be able to go without protection (mainly for oral-to-genital sex, if we were to ever have oral-to-anal sex, we'd definitely use protection)? Also, how can I discuss my worry about herpes with her?

[Sam W]

Hi Nitehawk,

It sounds like you two are taking some really sound steps to be safe when having sex, which is awesome. Even if all the tests come back negative, I would encourage you two to keep using barriers (like condoms and dental dams), especially if you are prone to worrying. Using the barriers will likely help keep some of those worries at bay.

As for how to talk about this, I would bring it up as part of a sexual check in. So, make it part of a bigger conversation about how you're both feeling in terms of sex (how you're both feeling, what you're hoping for, what you're worried about, etc.) Does that make sense?

[TheNiteHawk]

Thanks for the reply, Sam!

Although I do tend to worry, I feel that I also worry about things more than they're really worth, and when I actually get around to it, it's never as bad as I worried it would be. I will admit that I would like to go without barriers, if both of us test negative, and we're both willing to realize and accept the slight risk of Herpes (and HPV?) that comes with it.

I think discussing it would help both of us, especially me, and we'd be able to get a better handle on the sexual side of our relationship. In addition, I really like the idea of making our discussion part of a bigger conversation (thanks for that!), and I think that's a good next step.

EDIT (12:45): I'm thinking I may go talk to a medical professional about this also, just to see what they have to say.

[Heather]

Hey, TheNiteHawk: so nice to see you again! I'm also so delighted for you that you found a sexual and/or romantic relationship it sounds like you value and enjoy! I remember a couple years ago how worried you were that this wasn't in the cards for you, and how much you wanted to find something like this. Big yays!

The thing with using barriers when it comes to safer sex is that it's all about people figuring out -- ideally, together -- what levels of risk they are and aren't comfortable with, reducing risks as they can and in alignment with what they want and feel comfortable with, and then making choices together based on all of that.

Indeed, it sounds like the risks of most, if not all, STIs are pretty low here for you and your girlfriend, and you've done a great job with all the safer sex protocols so far. (Mazel tov!) You're right that Herpes -- particularly oral herpes -- is a bit of a wildcard, but that's just how that particular virus is. And since more people have it than don't, it's pretty much always going to be a big risk for everyone, and is also pretty hard to avoid. Ultimately, barrier use aside, it's just one of those things that, for the most part, people are going to get or they're not, mostly based on immunity, and that people at the typical age of starting sex with others will also usually already will have if they're going to get it, since it's most often contracted earlier in life nonsexually. So, it seems to me that this is just something to talk about together if your girlfriend also wants to soon ditch barriers for oral sex (I'm assuming that's what you've been using them for and are wanting to ditch them with, based on what you've posted).

[TheNiteHawk]

Hey Heather! It's great to hear from you again. It has been awhile, hasn't it? College has brought about some big changes for me, and along with patience, I've been able to find myself a really great partner. A lot of the things that I was worried about, including braces (which I get off this summer!), talking to people, and whatnot else, turned out to be a non-issue. But that's for another time.

Anyway, thank you for the reassuring comments and your thoughts. I'm certainly going to to discuss all of this with my girlfriend the next time she comes over, especially with Sam's idea (thanks again!) of making part of a bigger conversation on not just sex, but also our relationship (maybe not all at once, though).

[Heather]

It has! And seeing that you posted and even more to the point, WHAT you posted, was a daymaker for me. It's always great news when someone we know is awesome and who'd no doubt be a great partner, but hasn't had the opportunity they have wanted to be so, winds up getting the opportunity they wanted for that.