I'm 27 and have no sex life or social life

[sociallystunted]

I'm a 27 year old woman who has less experience or social skills than a teenager. I have never been in a relationship. I have never had a best friend. I still live with my parents. I only recently learned how to drive. I STILL don't know my sexual orientation. The only thing that distinguishes me from a teenager is that I have a bachelor's degree.

Throughout my life I struggled with relating to others. I was bullied in school because I had speech impediments and did not understand social cues. I became withdrawn and developed social anxiety because I had trouble relating to others. As my peers were learning how to form close bonds with each other and going to parties every weekend, I spent my free time surfing the Internet, further isolating myself from society.

I have had very little sexual experience. You can call me a virgin since I've never had intercourse. I did not have my first kiss until I was 20 and while it felt nice, I was not interested in having a relationship with that guy. I've kissed nine people since then and did not feel much of a connection with them. I performed oral sex on a guy three times when I was 23 and while the experience was not bad, I did not have any serious feelings for him. The only reason I don't think I'm a lesbian is because I was not completely turned off by the experiences I had with men.

I've had crushes on girls since I was 13. My feelings for girls were always more intense. I never had the courage to approach one because I was afraid of the reaction I would get. I would feel humiliated if I hit on a straight girl. I did not get to kiss a girl until I went to a gay bar when I was 25. We traded numbers, but she never texted me back.

A few years ago, I had a serious crush on a friend. It was so painful because she had a boyfriend. We held hands once and the warm and tenderness was beyond anything I felt for a boy. She had no idea I liked her or even that I liked girls in the first place. After I transferred to a new college, we drifted apart.

How do I catch up with my peers? How will I explain being a virgin at 27? How do I even get a social circle in the first place? I have so much catching up to do and I wonder if I should even bother trying. I don't think that someone my age would be patient with my lack of dating experience, yet if I try to date someone who is much younger, I will look creepy. I just can't win.

[Johanna]

Welcome to Scarleteen!

I want to start by referring to the end of your post, where you are wondering whether you should even bother getting caught up. I actually think it might be helpful to reframe that, and not think of yourself as 'catching up' to anything or anyone. Life, dating and social connections aren't a competitive sport. We are all different people with our own unique circumstances, preferences and challenges, and we are all going at our own pace. So why not try and be a llittle bit more gentle with yourself, and view this as trying something new and different in your life, which you can do at your own pace as you are ready, rather than something you have to rush through to get to some imaginary finish line.

So let's start by getting you out there and meeting new people. What are you doing right now where you might run into new people? Do you have a job, any hobbies, play sports, volunteer?

[sociallystunted]

So let's start by getting you out there and meeting new people. What are you doing right now where you might run into new people? Do you have a job, any hobbies, play sports, volunteer?

I currently have a job, but I don't have much in common with my co-workers as they are much older than me. I don't have many interests, sometimes I like to read, write and watch movies but I don't have a passion for anything. There is a cafe in my area where I can quietly do these things, but I'm not sure how to approach people and eventually make friends. I'm afraid of looking clingy or creepy towards people. Sometimes I exercise or play basketball but I usually end up doing these thing on my own.

[Butterfly9]

Hey
Just wanted to say I can relate. I was the fat girl in high schools never had a bf til 21 and never had sex til I was 29
I'm still new to sex I like you was afraid of what a guy would think of my lack of experience but he is my bf is he is fine with it. He's really wonderful so I'm sure you will meetsomeone wwho understands too

[sociallystunted]

We are all different people with our own unique circumstances, preferences and challenges, and we are all going at our own pace. So why not try and be a llittle bit more gentle with yourself, and view this as trying something new and different in your life, which you can do at your own pace as you are ready, rather than something you have to rush through to get to some imaginary finish line.

Would you say the same thing if I was over 30? I'm very close to 30 years old and that is the age where it's expected that you are a full-fledged adult with a professional, social, and sex life. I am running out of time.

[Ashleah]

Hey,

Just want to add that you are not "behind" when it comes to sexual, romantic, and even social relationships. While it can certainly feel like everyone else is (already) having sex and/or a relationship, the truth is there are plenty of people who aren't at every age (even close to 30). I have several friends, and not just one or two, who have not had intercourse or much experience with relationships all approaching 30. So I definitely agree with Johanna that you should try not to be too hard on yourself. You certainly aren't running out of time, because it is never too late nor is there a certain age that any of these things should happen by.

I wish meeting people and forming relationships just happened! I think that would make things so much easier. The truth is it usually requires some effort on are part and even a bit of vulnerability, especially when we want to develop meaningful relationships. It's okay if you feel nervous and even embarrassed for reaching out to someone. It's even okay be rejected. Sure none of those things feel great while they are happening, but knowing that they could and that they will end can sometimes be helpful. I have a lot of awkward moments when I try to make friends, but each time makes it easier the next time I try.

I do think it could help take some of the pressure off if you can focus on meeting people you like and connect with, even if the initial intention is not to date one another. A lot of times romantic relationships can form from the other relationships we develop. And if you can get to know people as friends it might grow more comfortable with a person/people and help with some of your concerns about dating/sexual experience.

It does sound like you are getting out a little bit which is great. Do you go to a gym or some type of classes when you exercise? If so you could ask someone if they want to play a game of basketball or try sparking conversation with some of the folks in the class. Since you enjoy reading, maybe you can check local bookstores or search online for any book clubs. This also sounds like a great opportunity to try new activities!

[sociallystunted]

I am a member of a gym, but I don't go often because of my anxiety. If I take a class, I fear that I won't perform the exercises well or that I will embarrass myself since I don't know what I'm doing.
I feel drained when I'm around people, yet I need companionship. I wish I didn't need anyone. I wish I was a fully independent person, but I'm just needy and lonely. I hate how much I need people.

[Mo]

You know, being lonely and wanting to have friends & dating partners in your life isn't a bad thing, or a sign of weakness on your part. I think even the most independent-minded people do crave and seek out personal connection; the ideal amount may differ from person to person, but it's something almost everyone wants to some degree.

Since you mentioned anxiety keeping you from classes above, I'm wondering if that's something you've ever spoken to a doctor or counselor about before? Counseling and therapy can be helpful for folks with anxiety, whether that's specifically social anxiety or something more general. Having a professional on your side can be a way to get some step-by-step help when doing the work of trying to meet people and find a social circle.

And it really is work - I think that's important to keep in mind. When you don't already have a social network, meeting new people really can be tricky. I think it's something you may have to push yourself a bit to do; I think the suggestions Ashleah gives above are good ones. About the gym - some places have specific "beginners" classes available, maybe you could try one of those out if yours offers them. Volunteering is another way to get out and meet people who may have a shared interest with you, where you aren't pressed to come up with small talk (since you're focusing on the work) but come into contact with a lot of people.

[sociallystunted]

I have been to therapy, but it has helped me accept my lot rather than change my situation. I'm overwhelmed with all the things I have to change. I wasted my life. I am a loser. There are so many years I can't get back. I wish I was younger so I could correct all my mistakes and find younger people to date. I'm intimidated by people my age. I feel like a child around everyone.

[Redskies]

Are you able to go back to a therapist or counsellor? When someone's feeling like they want to make significant changes to their life but don't know how or where to start, or anxiety makes it hard to do things you want to do, or you're feeling really down on yourself and overwhelmed, those are all situations where some professional support and assistance is a very good idea and can be very helpful in improving all that. Those are tough ways to feel, and it's tougher to struggle on your own if you don't have to.

I think something you might be missing here is that there are a whole lot of different people who feel very behind or missing-out from mid 20s to mid 30s, really, for many different reasons. It's absolutely not just you, and it certainly doesn't make anyone a loser! For example: people who've spent considerable time as a carer and not been able to pursue their own life; people who've been battling mental illness; people who've simply suffered from unmanaged mental illness; someone who's been a single parent in challenging, isolating circumstances; people struggling with addiction; queer people who weren't able to recognise or live as their own selves; someone with a disability who was very cut off from various elements of life because of any combination of practical barriers and ableism; people who were single-mindedly pursuing a particular goal to the exclusion of everything else; someone who was abused and suffered from the abuse itself and then its effects; someone who thought they wanted one particular kind of life, started it and discovered they wanted something completely different and faces starting over.

That's a lot of people! For sure, there are a range of very different circumstances there, and yes, some of those people will also have gained insights and experiences in things that are simply a lot less recognised and non-standard than usual. But some of those people?- will just feel that chunks of their life are gone, for no good reason. And no matter the upsides for some others, many will often still feel a real isolation and disconnection from the "majority". Truly, this picture that the world often seems to give us that people are sorted and on track by 30 is not at all the reality. The faces that most people present to the world in general are usually their more confident side, their whatever-I-think-I-can-say-about-my-life-that's-okay side. But for far more people than not, what's underneath the surface is a lot more self-doubt and a lot more floundering around and how-did-I-get-here and where-the-hell-am-I-going than it looks like.

Any person or group who's judgy or unpleasant about past life experiences, or lack of those experiences, isn't very worthwhile for anyone, frankly. Most people are more open-minded that that, and respond to other people as the people we are in the here and now, not who we were or weren't in the past.

I don't think it'd be "creepy" to date younger people. For sure, it's not a good move to deliberately only date people in a particular younger age range; but if, whenever you start meeting people and considering dating them, you found that most people who you felt more suited to per life-stage were younger than you, that'd be fine. 21 - 27, for example, isn't necessarily a giant gulf or a problem, if everyone's honest about their age and what they're looking for. Also, age differences tend to be less of a big deal in queer dating communities than in straight ones - so, if you wanted to date women, you might find age is less of an issue than you're thinking. It's also not unusual for some queer women to be starting dating women, or dating at all, in their mid or late 20s.

People aren't "running out of time" at 27 or at 30. There's So Much life left! I'm probably going to sound silly and old here - I'm in my early 30s - but 27 to me sounds wonderfully young and like you have so much life to do whatever you want with. Some people change their whole lives in their 50s or later (gives me hope!). This is really wide open for you. But it has been sounding to me like you're feeling stuck in a funk which you need a leg-up from, like I started with. Do you feel up for seeking out that leg-up for yourself?

[sociallystunted]

Yes, I do feel like seeking the leg-up for myself. I have recently seen a therapist and I hope that I can make things change this time. I really liked what you said about people having different life experiences.

[Redskies]

I'm glad you have a therapist you can see. Do you feel good about this therapist and like they're someone you could make progress with?

I'm happy that was helpful! I think if we're feeling very isolated, very separate from other people, we can lose access to the wider perspective and get to feeling very intensely that it's just our own self who's so disconnected. Sometimes the intensity of the feeling of isolation is well-founded, that's true, but there are still also a bunch of other folk out there who are feeling isolated and lost, too. And if we don't have so many windows into many other people's lives, we're probably not able to see the full messiness and diversity of life in general.

I think that making some kind of peace with how we got where we are can really help. That doesn't mean we have to think it's ok or that we can't wish it could have been different - it means finding some acceptance that things have been the way they were, and having compassion for our past and present selves about the reasons for that. Maybe we didn't have something we needed, like the right support, knowledge, or skills; maybe we actually did an excellent job with some very challenging circumstances and just had nothing left over for other things; or maybe it wasn't the right time. Finding a bit of that peace and self-compassion can actually make it easier to begin making changes for the future, because we're no longer spending so much energy beating ourselves up about the past and present. Acceptance isn't the same as inevitability and doom

[MusicNerd]

just wanted to chime in and say-- Redskies, you're on-point with your advice again! I needed to read this thread too

also, to sociallystunted: just wanted to say that you're definitely not alone in feeling this way. I'm in my 20s and can relate to a lot of what you've expressed regarding inexperience/dating/relationships with women, and I just wanted to say that I wish you luck in making some progress with this therapist of yours and in starting to be kinder to yourself

[Redskies]

lemme let you both in on a secret - although for different reasons than you both, *I* needed to read this thread, too.

[Tigger1]

Hey,
I'm 29 and have some of the same issues as you. I have a very very limited knowledge of sex and relationships and have no friend to ask the questions I need the answers to. Hence coming onto a website primarily for teenagers. Teens do seem to know more these days than we did when we were their ages!
I thought by now I'd have it all figured out and know what I'm suppose to be doing. You watch tv and everything seems so flawless but I'm led to understand it's not in real life situations! I think websites like this will help people like us understand things a little better. And hopefully enable us to have enough self esteem and knowledge to go out there and meet people.

[Heather]

Just a reminder for those of you in your twenties who feel like it's not totally okay for you to be here: we intend the site for those in their teens AND twenties, not just teens. When we started in the late 1990s, things were generationally a bit different than now, so the site the was mostly aimed at teens, but we've since broadened our focus to work with those cultural and generational changes!

(I also imagine a lot of the teens here in our community would -- not in a mocking way, but rather, just in a way that's about their own truths -- laugh at the idea that they know so much more about sex than people a handful of years older than them do. I think the truth is that more people here than not are here, whatever their age, because they feel like they need information and knowledge, rather than because they have a ton of it.)

I'd also add that the idea that at ANY age someone can have sex and sexuality all figured out is flawed. Sexuality and our sexual lives are something lifelong that's ever shifting, changing and evolving, so really, there's never going to be an age at which we have it all figured out somehow, and if someone thinks or says they do, I'd say they're kidding themselves. Heck, sex and sexuality have been my job for close to 20 years now, on top of me simply being alive and a sexual person for 45+ years, and despite an awful lot of work-work and...erm, field research (:P) all I ever seem to come away with year after year is the clear sense that what I -- and we -- don't know about it all is always going to be more than what we do.

[sociallystunted]

I don't feel like an adult. When I'm surrounded by people my age, I feel as if I'm younger. Older people intimidate me because I don't feel like I'm in the same stage as they are professionally, emotionally, or socially. At the risk of sounding creepy, I'm drawn to younger people. They seem to have their entire lives ahead of them. I can't explain why I prefer women in their late teens and early twenties, but I know that feeling inadequate with women my own age is part of the reason. I also fear that there will be an inherent power imbalance between myself and an older woman because not only am I socially stunted, but I look young for my age and I'm short.
I want society to take me seriously, yet at the same time I fear aging. It's just really hard for me to explain.

[Sam W]

Hi Sociallystunted,

Those are all totally understandable feelings to have in your mid/late twenties, because those years are this weird transitional stage (and one, I might add, that we as a culture don't have a clear narrative of "what you should be doing in your late 20s"). When you're in that place, people slightly younger than you are going to seem as though you have more in common with them, and to a certain extent that's true, as you've just gotten through some of the life experiences they're currently going through. And honestly, I think it's healthy to cultivate relationships with people (platonic and romantic) who fall both a few years ahead and a few years behind you in age (and most of us end up doing that anyway just by virtue of who is around for us to get to know).

You mentioned above going to the gym as a social activity, which is great! Are there other activities or group events you enjoy going to, or is that something you struggle with?

[sociallystunted]

I struggle with going to group activities. My social anxiety makes me afraid of meeting new people. However, I decided to go to a local gay bar so I could meet other LGBT people near me. I spoke to a few people there and I went on a Thursday which isn't too crowded. I hope if I become a familiar face, I could make some friends along the way.

[Sam W]

That's awesome, I'm glad you're testing the waters a little! I can sympathize with the social anxiety angle in a big way (it's something I struggled with/still struggle with from time to time). Something that can help is to remember that meeting people and getting to know them is a skill. It takes practice, which can be intimidating, but that also means that it's not something that is unattainable. You get better at it.

Have you ever heard of a site called "Dr Nerdlove?" It was started for nerdy men, but plenty of his advice is applicable to all genders, and he talks a lot about how to get comfortable in social situations, as well as how to learn some of the skills that go into meeting people and dating.