Treatment from Parents

[wishcoulddelete]

Ah, I apologize for missing those.
I can't think of any particular "comfortable" ways to talk about it, and I don't have any time frame ever available aside from afternoon.

[Karyn]

Sorry for more questions, but can I ask: when you asked your parents for permission to go to the park last time, how did you approach that with them? (Just so we don't suggest anything that's likely not to go well for you.)

[wishcoulddelete]

Oh, it's no concern, I have no problem with answering any questions. Since I was asking to go with a friend and not alone, I was more up-front with it, as I felt they'd be more compliant if I were with another person.

[Heather]

This may sound like a stupid question, but can I ask what happens when you just go? As in, you leave a note that says "I'm at the park, home around 2," or whatever, and then you just go?

[wishcoulddelete]

No, it's not a stupid question. If anything, I've got a stupid answer.
I've never done that before.

[Sam W]

It's certainly not a stupid answer, but it does mean that may be worth trying, if only so that you know what happens if you do (big exception here being that you think they'd hurt you if you did it). My suggestion would be to pick somewhere that's hard to object to ("went to the library to get a book for school" or "going to the park to get some air and exercise") and then see what happens.

[wishcoulddelete]

They'lll get so mad, though... I know I won't be harmed, but I know for certain I'll face EXTREME punishment.
I apologize for making escuses.

[Sam W]

It's alright, part of this process is figuring out ways to kind of "hack" the system they have in place, so there's going to be a little trial and error. When you say extreme punishment, can you tell me more about what that looks like?

[wishcoulddelete]

No technology of any kind for at least 3 months.

[Heather]

Okay, so we're not talking about anything potentially abusive. In other words, a step like this might have an outcome you don't like, but you're safe is seeing what happens, should you decide to.


So, this sounds to me like a matter of you having to choose (even though you shouldn't have to) between taking steps that could increase your autonomy, as well as your self-esteem, and also your ability to just have a life outside of your home, all things with long-term positive impacts past a few months, and potentially having your internet access at home removed or limited for a few months.

Why don't you sit down and think through this choice, maybe even make a list or pros and cons? You'll also just want to focus on matters to you most.

Just FYI, the reason I'd asked if you ever just did this, what, I think it's safe to say, many people your age do with their parents when it comes to just going to the library or to the park when they don't have to negotiate any responsibilities (like who is going to watch a sibling that needs watching if parents aren't home), is because if you haven't, I think it's something you really should consider. The thing is, sometimes, in order to get more freedom, you have to behave in a way that demonstrates autonomy already. And other issues and dynamics with your parents aside for now, if you don't ever stand up for yourself and push back, in a word, then whether you intend it or not (and I'd suspect you don't), you can wind up enabling the way they're treating you. In other words, if you just go along and don't push for your right to have some age-appropriate autonomy, you can wind up unintendedly "proving" to them that treating you like someone much younger than you are is right, because someone your age usually would be standing up for themselves a bit more, and taking more initiative to be independent on their own, if you follow.

[wishcoulddelete]

I don't really have any ideas on how to potentially prove my trustworthiness to my parents I haven't already tried. For example, I have babysat before, though they didn't really seem to care. And as for the standing up for myself, if I do, they just push against me harder to counter-act it.

I apologize if I'm making excuses, it's not my intent, though if you do wish to leave this topic and move on to other people's problems, I completely understand, as I've no doubt taken far more time than should be necessary.

[Sam W]

Just to make sure I understand, did they let you babysit at someone elses house, or at your own?

I think what Heather was getting at with suggesting you try simply going out and leaving a note is to give you a chance to go out without giving them a chance to exert pressure on you. Does that make sense?

[wishcoulddelete]

At my own.

But when I get home, they'll be so mad.