Relationship troubles after pregnancy scare

[Bliss]

Hi,

I just want to ask for some advice. I had a pregnancy scare recently that it led me to confirm a health professional through ultrasound that I'm not pregnant even though I had 3 periods and 3 negative pregnancy tests. It went fine and I was so relieved that I was not having a baby soon. But ever since the scare, my partner and I began to have more fights (sometimes petty, sometimes serious). I don't know but I think that scare was the reason why we began to have a distance between us and I just don't know how the scare resulted to this. I just want to know how to resolve this issue. Can you help me?

[Stephanie]

Hi dianne4312x:

Have you and your partner had some time to sit down and talk about things? If not, that needs to be your first step. Sometimes people don't even realize a partner feels like something is wrong. It may be he isn't noticing the same things you are.

[Bliss]

Hi Stephanie:

We did and we both agreed that we didn't really plan the act well; it happened because of the heat of the moment. He said he's moved on from the issue but I think I'm stuck with it. He's kind of disappointed I still am thinking about it because I'm still recovering from the scare. I'm just sad because it happened and I broke my promise to wait. I'm not blindly following this promise because I know that it will be the perfect time for us to have sex when we've settled down and not worrying about other things that we have to prioritize first.

[Sam W]

Hi Dianne,

It does sound like he's not quite grasping how sad and stressful the scare was for you, which sucks. Would it be helpful for you two to have a talk where you check in about your boundaries around sex and build a plan so that those boundaries are less likely to be crossed in the moment? Is that something you think he'd be open to?

I think you might also find this article helpful in the future: When Sex "Just Happened" (And How to Make It Happen Instead)

[Bliss]

We did. We said to restrict ourselves with any sexual activity while I'm still recovering. I believe that there are other ways to show love.

Do you have any recommendations on how to recover from the scare? Self-care doesn't really help me it just makes me think that I'm too selfish to devote on myself or indulge myself too much. I talked to some of my trusted friends and it somehow helped because someone's there for me. I'm trying to go to a professional but I can't afford it right now.

[Redskies]

I'm glad you two were able to have a talk about what sexual things you are and aren't comfortable with. How do you feel about the arrangements you have now? Does he seem happy and comfortable with the agreements you have at the moment?

Yep, there are many ways other than being sexual of being loving with someone, and of being close to someone. Sometimes it can really help to have that reinforced and to think about even more ways it's true: if you'd like to read some more about that, I think Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots might be a really good piece for you at the moment.

Above, you said that your boyfriend was disappointed that you're still thinking about the scare. Is there anything you'd like him to be saying or doing that he isn't at the moment, that'd help make you feel more supported? If there is, we'd be happy to talk with you about how to ask him for what you need.

I'm sorry that you're having difficulty accessing professional help . Often, it's possible to get some no-cost or low-cost help through healthcare or young people's services. Would you like any help figuring out what might be available to you? We'd be happy to do that with you.

Self-care isn't really about being self-indulgent or selfish. As a baseline, it's about making ourself as healthy as we can be, and then, it's about doing what we can to be the best version of ourself and to live our best life. It's not like anyone else loses anything by us doing that; and as a big-picture thing, overall it's likely that the world in general will gain something if we can be our best self. There's two broad parts to self-care: doing whatever we can to get ourself through something very tough in the here-and-now, and then doing what we can to improve things for ourself generally. Have you already seen the two pieces on our site about self-care? They might be helpul to you:
Self-Care When It's Scary
Self-Care a La Carte
It's sounding like some of your difficult in dealing with the scare might be to do with anxiety - we don't have expertise in managing anxiety, so we're not the right people to dig into that, but we do have a large list of resources: Anxiety and other Mental Health Resources

In the discussion thread about dealing with pregnancy scares, you said you'd identified two major sources of the hard feelings you've been having: that you didn't feel ready for the kind of sex you had, and that you feel a lot of shame. Shame, especially, can leave us stuck with difficult feelings that it's very hard to shift and make it very hard to accept and move on from something. Would it help you to talk about those feelings some more and unpack some of where they're coming from?

[Bliss]

He's okay with it. He feels the same way that it's not really the time for us in doing such things.

All I wanted was understanding with my condition. It seems that he isn't really giving me that.

For the professional help, we have a guidance counselor in our university. But I had a bad experience with them and I'd rather not to go there again.

I told some of my dearly trusted friends about what I'm going through and they understand it. But in terms of my family, I can't tell them because they're not really supportive in emotional stuff and they might be disappointed.

Psychological health is a taboo here in my country. If someone knew that you are/were experiencing some kind of mental illness, you are part of the marginalized people here. Only the financially able can consult to a pyschologist and psychiatrist because every session is costly here. Being a student, I can't really afford that kind of care.

Shame and guilt are really what's getting me. I'm in a deeply religious community and carry a lot of expectations from my loved ones and apparently everyone around me. Life's been really going well until the pregnancy scare happened. It was something not in the plan. And being a person who's sticking to plans, it was not a good happening.

My boyfriend's known to be a really good person and if people find out what happened, I (and all of the females involved in similar cases) am the one who's going to be blamed.

[Heather]

Hey there, dianne. I'm so sorry to hear you've been struggling so much with all of this. I have a few thoughts to toss out and also an idea or two: hopefully you'll find them helpful.

It sounds to me like a big part of your struggle, especially around the continued shame you're feeling, is about being sexual when that isn't something you felt -- and still don't feel -- right about. I am not sure if it was something you actually wanted, for yourself, or not, but if it really wasn't, but was more something you felt you had to do because your boyfriend wanted it, or didn't feel able to advocate for yourself, based on what YOU wanted, in, and were passive about agreeing to, that's probably another source of these feelings. (You have kept talking about sex as something that "happened," rather than as something you initiated, did or were an active part of: but sex can't "happen," but is something people choose to do. So, someone involved here actively did things, but if it all just feels like something that "happened" to you, it sounds like that person wasn't you, but your boyfriend, which is one of the reasons I'm asking about if any of this was even anything YOU wanted and YOU actively, gladly, chose to be part of.)

I'm curious if all of this is something you have been able to really talk about with your boyfriend very honestly: have you been able to tell him about these feelings? If not, can you take that step? If so, was he supportive? Has he been a good listener?

I hear you saying that, overall, your boyfriend has not been empathetic, or even particularly sympathetic, when it comes to your experience with the scare (and perhaps also sex you didn't feel right about, too, that was how the scare even happened). Have you found him to be sympathetic with other things that are outside his own experience?

If you think he's capable of that -- or know he is, from other experiences -- I wonder if it might help to simply tell him, again, honestly, that you have been looking for sympathy from him and are not feeling it. You could suggest that he take some time to try and put himself in your shoes: how might HE feel if he could have become pregnant when that isn't what he wanted, and when that could have resulted in so much conflict with family and community? How might HE feel if he had done sexual things he didn't feel at all right about, and had big conflicts with?

Now, it might be that some of what's going on here is that all of this has pointed out some problems within the relationship that may have already been there, but weren't something you experienced before, or in such a big way. For instance, it may be that he's just not very supportive with things that are happening to you, not him, or problems for you, but not him. It may be that you've found out that in a crisis, he's not so great. Perhaps -- I don't know him, so I can't say for sure -- you're finding out that he's a bit selfish himself, unable to really see how you're feeling and how you're struggling when he isn't. So, you might also want to just do some thinking about the relationship as a whole now, focusing less on what "started" the conflict, and more on what has been and is going on since, and maybe even before (like how this all even happened, since again, it sounds like you may not have really wanted to be sexual with him in the first place for yourself).

When it comes to self-care, I think you, too, might benefit from some pout-yourself-in-someone-else's-shoes. Imagine your best friend was in your position, struggling like you are: would you feel they were being selfish for doing things to take care of themselves, to manage and reduce their stress, and to try and get through a struggle? Probably not. If they wouldn't be selfish, neither would you.

That said, as was already talked about a bit here, "selfish" and "self-absorbed" don't have to be the same things. The positive way of being selfish is to make sure we are thinking about ourselves and our needs at least as much as we do with and for others, and that we are taking care of ourselves and our needs at least as much as we are others. There's nothing bad about doing that: in fact, it's essential for our survival and our well-being. So, how about you do go ahead and start trying some self-care? What about even just starting by setting aside one half-hour a day -- only 1/48th of each day, which is so tiny! -- for dedicated self-care?

Lastly, I do want to add that I think it's helpful to think of plans as something that aren't ever set in stone. They shift, they change, and sometimes our circumstances are such that they get changed even when we don't want them to change, because others are involved. Plans are like blueprints: we make them, but then sometimes we adapt them, or others do things that means we have to make new blueprints based on changed circumstances. Life just isn't so predictable that we can make plans for the whole things and have our lives all magically stick to the plan. I know that can be a tough thing to accept, especially if plans are what make you feel safe or in control of your life, but it is just a reality of living.

[Bliss]

I told him how I'm feeling and it's really complicated right now because all of us are busy. And therefore it seems that I can't be attended to properly. He already said he was sorry if he can't comfort me at times because he has a lottt of problems to handle.

For the consent, I guess you're right. I thought that we would only cuddle but things went from one thing to another. I have read that the mind can be a bit careless when a person is turned on.

For that, I don't know who is to blame.

I'm trying my best to live everyday even though I feel that every day is so long and dragging. I'm hoping that one day I'll be okay again.

I'm thankful I have a friend who is very supportive even though we don't see each other often.

[Sam W]

Hi Dianne,

I think it's very telling that he brushed you off in that way. While we can't always drop everything to attend to a partner, we can generally make a little bit of time to sit and listen to them and sympathize with what they're feeling. Besides, you're not even necessarily asking him to comfort you. It sounds like more of what you want is for him to demonstrate that he understands, or at least sympathizes with what you've been going through emotionally. So, as Heather alluded to, it seems that when a problem is only affecting you, he doesn't see it as something worthy of his time.

In terms of the "just happening" end of things, would you like to talk a little more about some possible ways to set and hold boundaries? And when it happened, can I ask who initiated doing more than cuddling?

I'm glad your friend is supportive. Do you have a way of keeping in touch (like email or text)?

[Bliss]

Hi!

I'll try and update you about what happens between the two of us. I want to see where it goes after certain concerns from his side are somehow settled. I somehow understand that one can have a hard time in comforting the other when you yourself are struggling too.

It happened a few months back and it my memory can be faulty on who initiated more than cuddling. All I know is that it just happened. If I were to reflect, both sides did something wrong. Boundaries weren't really set at that specific moment in time but in general we restrict ourselves from having genital intercourse.

After what happened we agreed that it was something tht we didn't really plan very well. Shallow/Immature it may seem but I guess we didn't have control over what's happening.

If it helps, I'm thinking that my anxiety transferred to this concern from a huge concern that I had in January and it involves one my loved ones who was in intensive care. I don't know of it's possible but it seems that my anxiety just transformed into another form (and which is way worse than before).

My friend and I communicate in every way we can be it in text or call. But when our schedule permits, we see each other and hang out somewhere while we tell everything that we want to tell.

[Heather]

I do want to make clear that someone always has control over sex happening. Unless people choose to do things, sex can't just happen.

So if YOU feel like you had no control or didn't make choices, I would say that's something to really think about. Is that about your partner making choices for you or doing things to you without asking, without you agreeing, and without your active participation? Or is it about you agreeing to things and doing things but feeling unable - maybe because of shame and guilt you are feeling? - to acknowledge that you DID actively make choices and do things? Or something else? Whatever answers you arrive at, I think it's important to ask the question, get to those answers and then see where you want to go from there. But I don't think pretending or convincing ourselves sex somehow just happened to everyone involved is helpful: it will never be true, for one, but that view also really keeps people from feeling empowered and able to both figure out, and then make, whatever sexual choices really are right for them.

Make sense?

[Bliss]

Hi!

I can't just acknowledge why it happened. You were right about sometimes things happen and we can't change them. It's just that it's hard to move on from that due to reasons such as:

1. I live in a community of religious people and after what had happened, I isolated myself from the people I was once close with even though I'm physically with them.
2. I begin to be anxious in crowded places because I want to protect myself just in case something bad happens

And honestly, I still have a scare and I just don't know how to move on from it. I've read about your article titled "You're not pregnant why do you think you are?" a lot of times and it seems that most of the reasons there would apply to me. I'm fully aware of how reproduction, menstrual cycle and pregnancy works and even how the hormones (LH, FSH) is regulated during the cycle. Even though I'm knowledgeable with it, knowing that the activity I was involved with had no risk, had my period four days after (followed by three regular periods), negative HPTs and lastly a negative pelvic ultrasound (I should be 11-14 weeks if I was pregnant during the appointment), my mind will be okay with it and later it would begin to panic. And yes, I have anxiety issues and currently I'm trying my best to find an affordable yet reliable clinics that can help me.

Right now, I've taken the first step and I've acknowledged that it happened and that it was my choice for it to happen but it was a choice I wasn't happy with. I'm starting to learn to live with it.

[Redskies]

I think Heather was asking whether you truly felt like the sex was out of your control when it happened, or whether you've found it difficult to accept that you did have control of an equal part of it. There isn't a right or wrong answer here, by the way: there are very understandable reasons why either of those might be true, and they're both fairly common. We can likely help you with either of those, but we'd suggest different things, so we want to be careful that we properly understand your situation.

If you're not sure, these examples might help.
1) If someone wasn't in control of the sex they were having, they might feel like they didn't make any decisions and it "just happened". They might not have known at the time what they wanted, it might have happened too quickly, perhaps every next step was started by the other person. They might have wanted to please the other person, or might not have known how to tell the other person that it felt too fast or out of control.
or
2) Sometimes people who grow up in communties where there's shame around sex, where young people or unmarried people or women are not supposed to have sex or want sex, can find it difficult to recognise their own feelings of desire, and find it difficult to understand that a part of them wants to have sex, because they're not "supposed" to have sexual desire or not "allowed" to want or to have sex. Sometimes women, especially, can find it difficult to fully make and claim their own sexual decisions, because what's normal and acceptable in their community is for women to accept sex and not be an equal part of wanting and choosing it. It can feel like the only way of choosing sex is to put themself in a role where it seems like they're not choosing and where sex isn't in their control, because choosing sex and being in control isn't allowed. They might feel conflicting wants of their own, or they might feel a big conflict between what they want and what their community wants them to do.

Do those examples make sense? Do either of them feel more like your situation?

[Bliss]

I think I can relate more with the second. And now, it's just so hard to move on. Days feel longer for me

[Sam W]

Hi Dianne,

I'm sorry you're feeling that way right now. If that second option resonated with you, would you like some reading recommendations for books and articles that talk about shame and sex and how to work out the sticky feelings that can surround those two things?

[Bliss]

Hi Sam!

That would be great!

[Heather]

I'll gather some content around that for you later today, Dianne.

[Bliss]

Hi, Heather!

Thank you.

[Ashleah]

Hey Dianne,

Wanted to share a few things that deal with the topic of sex and shame.

We have some great resources here on our site:
Undoing Sexual Shame
The Sex Goddess Blue (This is a great overall piece about exploring sex and sexuality, but there is a section on sexual shame)

Shame, Sex, and Silence (video)
I Was Taught To Be Ashamed...(Piece takes a pretty gendered perspective but it's the authors personal account of how shame affected her sexuality. I think it can be useful to hear others' experiences)

Books:
The Purity Myth (PDF Book)
Sex Smart

There is a lot here. But once you start looking over things, let us know if anything sticks out to you or you would like someone to process it with!

[Bliss]

Hello Ashleah!

Thank you for the resources! I will start reading them soon.

Question though, does having persistent scares can also be due to being scared of becoming pregnant? Like feeling queasy about knowing that there's another human being inside of you growing? Thanks!

[Sam W]

Hi Dianne,

The anxiety that pregnancy scares often cause can definitely have some physical symptoms (like feeling queasy from nerves and worry). Something that we also see happen is people who are in the midst of a scare start paying very close attention to their bodies and notice little things that were already going on, but feel like scary new "symptoms." Does that get at what you were asking?