I'm in the best relationship I've ever been in and want out

[thinkmcflythink]

Hi pals!

So I've been having some relationship issues recently that I haven't really talked to anyone about. I see a counselor through my university regularly, so I was going to talk to them about this too, but I wanted some feedback from all of you on here too. If you have any experience with this, feel free to comment.

I've mentioned him on here before I think, but I'm in my first stable relationship again since I was partner assaulted. It's been going great, we've been dating for 7 months now and I'm his longest relationship ever. He's awesome and worships me. I couldn't ask for anyone to treat me better. But, I've been having some issues in the sexual department lately and it's been really hurting our relationship. I haven't had much of a sex drive in awhile, partially because I'm an extremely busy full time college student and a reporter. Sex and doing sexy things definitely is not at the top of my priorities right now. I'm trying to graduate early with my degree and get my life figured out for after college. I never really want to have sex, so my boyfriend quit asking me, which makes me feel awful.

Meanwhile, we've both been getting a little "comfortable" in our relationship. He stopped taking care of himself because I think he feels like he doesn't need to impress me anymore and I get sometimes a little too irritated with him.. all not very positive things. We still love each other & enjoy each other's company very much, but we're beginning to act like the old married couple stereotype & things have become a little dried out. I don't find him super sexually attractive anymore and find myself yearning for passion that just isn't there, in both senses. I also can't orgasm either with anyone or thing, even myself, which is absolutely awful.

I feel like if we sat down and talked about it, I would be saying more than he would be, so I feel like the issue lies with me here and not him.This is definitely multi layered, but any advice would be helpful! It always has helped me in the past.

[Sam W]

Hi thinkmcfly,

You're right that there's plenty of layers here. From the timeline, it sounds like you're coming out of the "honeymoon" stage of the relationship where everything is new and fun into the stage where you start noticing things that are less than ideal. It happens to pretty much any relationship that starts moving from short term to long term. For some couples, there's an adjustment period but the relationship continues. For others, the shift starts cluing them in that there really isn't long term compatibility to be found. And both of those are totally okay things! Relationships, even perfectly good ones, don't have to last forever.

One starting place to consider is: what do you think it would take for you two to find a new, equally happy place in your more "comfortable" relationship? And, as follow-up, do you both want to put in the time and energy that those adjustments might take?

[thinkmcflythink]

Thanks for the quick response, I agree that would be a good place to start also. I know that I would like to try to take the time to make those adjustments, I think he would too. The issue is that I don't think that he believes anything is particularly wrong with the relationship as it is right now. He's not very receptive to small changes and stuff, so unless someone comes right out and says something, he's oblivious.

[Sam W]

You're welcome Then it sounds like having a relationship check-in talk is the place to start. If you need them, these articles might be helpful for guiding that talk:
Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship
Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For

[thinkmcflythink]

Thanks for those!

After reading those, taking some time to think about what's going on and everything, I think I have discovered the problem. He's a great person and I enjoy being around him, but I don't have the sexual desire for him like I thought I did in the beginning. It's also starting to be obvious now that our relationship, just in general, is starting to fizzle out. We don't really show affection anymore.

It's basically like we're friends that go on dates together. He's stopped asking me to do things sexually with him all together or even expressing that he wants to do anything. I have too. I just don't know how to start that conversation in a way that doesn't make both of us uncomfortable or offended. It's like a "don't ask, don't tell" situation right now, which isn't good or healthy at all. I've never had this happen and don't really know how to go forward with it. I also don't know if that's a legitimate reason to breakup with someone.

[Redskies]

Wanting to break up with someone, or feeling like it's best for you to break up with them, is as good a reason as anyone ever needs to break up. Break-ups can be hard, and sometimes at the time it can seem like you need - or the other person asks for - a "legitimate" reason, but truly, there's no reason-police here If a relationship doesn't feel right any more, or doesn't feel like what you want any more, it's okay to break up. Sometimes our world gives us these ideas that we're supposed to stay in a relationship, supposed to "make it work", or things have to be actively bad before it's reasonable to end it; those aren't true. If a relationship isn't bringing you joy by being in it, isn't making you feel happier and your world fuller in a good way through being in it, it's okay to decide to end it. Not feeling positive in the right ways any more can be a very good reason to end it: no-one needs to have a list of bad things about the relationship before a break-up is legitimate.

Sometimes this kind of thing happens, when someone you really liked and were really into ... and you're just not feeling it any more. If it's the first time you've experienced this, it certainly might feel disconcerting! It's a natural thing that happens, fairly often. In the first months of a relationship, people are finding out how they fit together, learning more about each other and about the relationship that the two together create; sometimes, it just doesn't quite end up where we felt it might earlier on. Relationships can and do also simply develop and change, and perhaps the two of you might be better suited as friends rather than sexual or romantic partners?

There's probably no way to have a conversation about this without having at least some awkwardness. Talking about relationships can involve some big feelings, so it's probably not realistic to try to have big talks without having any challenging feelings. There'll also not be a great time for it! You'll just want to pick a time that's not terrible (like a birthday or the day before a big test), and try to be kind and clear, and not make assumptions about what the other person might feel or want. And you're absolutely right, having an unspoken shadow hanging around for a long time tends to be not good, and can often end up being more hurtful in the long-run. So, opening up some kind of talk about the situation at some point soon is a good move.

Do you know if you'd prefer to figure out what to do about the relationship during conversations with your boyfriend, or whether you'd prefer to figure out more of what you want first?

[thinkmcflythink]

Well, I decided to go ahead and have a talk with my boyfriend. I didn't really know his side of things as far as our lack of sex and affection, so I texted him the other day when I knew he would be awake and said that I wanted to talk about it. I said that I wanted it to be either in person or over the phone, a time when we both have a few hours, he had to talk and express his feelings and that I would do the same. He agreed and said it was a good idea.

So the next evening, we spoke on the phone for a few hours. The conversation went well, it didn't result in a fight or end on a negative note which was good. He had a hard time talking about the way he felt, but he got through it and I was patient with him. We both listened and responded to what the other had to say.

Basically, what came out of it was that I don't want to do sexual things most of the time because I'm too busy/stressed with school and it's not a priority for me. He has the exact opposite issue and wants to do it all of the time, but knows that isn't possible and deals with it for me, even though that isn't what he wants. He feels bad asking for me to do things because I have little to no sex drive because of stress, so he quit asking. The main issue is that the time when we're both more available for that and I'm more relaxed and would be more into it, is when I am several hours away in my hometown and it just isn't conceivable to drive to see each other that frequently. Like I said before, the sexual fire for him on my end just isn't there anymore.

So I do think that we would be better off as just friends. I enjoy being around him and we have a lot of fun together, but the romance just isn't there. I also spent a part of the afternoon talking to my counselor about this and he made me see that there are other problems that I was unaware of as well. That I'm in a relationship with someone who is very passive and the reason that we've gone almost 8 months now without fighting or even an argument is that he always takes my side, pretty much no matter what it is and I'm not sure that's healthy either.

Now I think I would like to establish a game plan of sorts, that if I do decide to break up with him, is the best way to do it and makes it easier for both of us. I would like it to be a mutual split, but I'm not sure that's going to happen. I decided I'm not going to do it at least until I'm out for the summer with school, we both have finals and things right now and don't need that added stress. I'm hoping things may change or look up after that conversation we had, but I'm not sure how they would really.

[Sam W]

Hi thinkmcfly,

I'm glad to hear the conversation was enlightening for you, and that it helped you figure out how you want to proceed with things (and jedi fist-bump for also talking it through with a counselor. That's a great step with issues like this).

We've got this piece to help people with breaking-up and some of its' potential fall outs: Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking If you'd like, we can also discuss some ideas that are more specific to what you're feeling/needing around this break-up.

[thinkmcflythink]

Yeah, I think that would be great too. I think I'm dealing with a lot of self doubt and justification issues and straight up fear for how he's going to react to me. I'm also afraid I'll get overly emotional and just cry a lot, which would be rough because he's never seen or heard me cry about anything or be upset about anything. I'm not sure what that says either about us but that's how I feel right now.

[Heather]

Can I ask what you feel afraid of when you have fears about how he's going to react?

Can I also ask you to say a bit more about HOW being seen crying or being upset would be rough? Rough for whom? In what ways?

[thinkmcflythink]

Sure, that's fine. I am just afraid of making him very sad, angry or depressed. He has suffered with depression in the past and used to take medication for it, so I'm afraid of possibly bringing that on again. Also, his dad has early onset Alzheimer's and it's generally a very stressful time in his family right now, so I'm afraid of causing some sort of depressive episode.

Crying or being upset would be rough for him because he's never seen me cry or be upset about anything. It would also be weird for me because of that. I don't like getting emotional about things.

[Heather]

Okay.

So, you know that another person can't actually CAUSE someone's depression (or sad or angry feelings), right? That's something his own brain is largely in control of. And you also know that it's on him to manage his depression, not you, and on him to have made the choice from the front about if he felt able to handle dating and intimacy at all, including the possible -- and common -- outcome of a relationship changing in a way he didn't like or ending at some point?

If a relationship is making someone unhappy, and they don't want to be in it anymore, we don't really protect someone who might feel sad about that by not being honest, or by only doing what one person in the relationship would want. In healthy relationships -- even if and when they're ending -- people have to be honest about how they really feel and what they really want, and also each take responsibility for our own feelings and ourselves, rather than the other person doing that. And of course, if you're with someone now or later who truly can't handle a breakup when it comes to their mental health, that means being in the relationship isn't something they can handle, either, so staying in something you want out of is never a good answer there, you know?

It's interesting to me to hear you say that it sounds like you have kept all of your unhappy feelings to yourself, while at the same time I hear you trying to take responsibility for his. I'd propose you figure that's actually pretty out of whack, so especially if you two are going to try and shift to a close friendship, or really have anything from here on out besides a pretty one-sided or shallow acquaintance, you showing your harder feelings is something you'll have to start doing, rather than hiding, and the same goes with recognizing that he's the one responsible for his feelings, not you.

All you really CAN do with this when it comes to his depression is be kind and caring in your honesty and a breakup, if that's what you want to do, and offer to help him find any help and support he might need after that, if he wants your help and it's something you would like to offer.

[thinkmcflythink]

Thank you. This really helped. I had a couple more talks with him about stuff & we decided to take a break for a little while, because I didn't feel like I could make a healthy decision still seeing and talking to him all of the time. We started this a few days ago. The talks we had prior to this were really good and honest and both of us showed some deeper feelings. It was really nice. I've pretty much come to a conclusion that I want to end it and just be really good friends instead. I just don't know when I would like to do it or a time that would be appropriate to do it. I know no time is the best time but I want to do in a way that shows I still respect the relationship.

[Mo]

I wrote an advice column recently that talks about breaking up with someone you care about and how to do it compassionately; it's here if you want to take a look. It addresses some of the things you mention here so I hope it's helpful, and of course I'm happy to discuss anything in particular I said there if you want to go into any of it in more detail.