Difficult to orgasm even through manual sex

[14fields]

So, I know not being able to orgasm during partnered sex is a very, very common topic on here, but I feel like my case is a bit different in that I know what works for me during masturbation and can almost always get off. However, it's still hard to orgasm during sex with my partner (which I mean manual and oral sex--we're queer and there's not a huge emphasis on intercourse). It doesn't necessarily feel bad, of course--in fact, I can get tons of pleasure out of it (not always, but many times), but I hardly ever come from it. It's like my partner can't always touch my clitoris quite right in a way that will make me come even though I showed them how I like it. I feel we have two quite different styles of masturbation so we can't always get the "hang" of how we should touch each other, even if we try to copy the other's styles. I know sex can be satisfying without orgasm, but it is somewhat frustrating and then sometimes I fantasize about other people or things to make me actually get off while my partner is touching me, and I feel guilty about it even though I shouldn't. Any advice? I really want a great sex life! I love my partner and think they're pretty hot stuff

Oh, yes, and I should also mention that both of us are rather new to regular partnered sex. That also is probably a big part of it... we may just not quite used to each other sexually even though we've communicated a lot about it and aren't afraid of communicating about it.

Thank you for your input!

[Heather]

I want to just check in first about something, so I can try and get some kind of sense about how much of this may be emotional, social or interpersonal, and how much a matter of physical "technique."

Do you have any trouble reaching orgasm with your partner when you masturbate -- yourself -- when they are present, as a way of being sexual together?

[Heather]

Also: am I hearing you right -- and no guilt if so, please! -- that you CAN reach orgasm with them with some things, but that is only happening when you are fantasizing about someone else? If so, can you talk a little more about that? Like, what someone else? How are they different then your partner? Or, for that matter, why not just go with whatever those fantasies are to get off together, rather than not going with those if (again, if I have this right) it seems clear that IS what works for you and gets you there?

[14fields]

Hi Heather,

Nope, I have no problems orgasming when I masturbate with my partner. Although, even then, sometimes my fantasies wander and I don't like that much. I prefer to be in the moment with my partner, but my brain is a very active one.

And no, I've come from their touch without fantasizing about anything else. Those times have been pretty amazing. I suppose maybe I fantasize sometimes when I really really want an orgasm but it's not coming because it's taking a long time or the stimulation just isn't intense enough or doesn't hit the "right spot". Like I've told you before, sometimes the fantasies involve a penis (my partner doesn't have one) or of a few fetishes I have, or maybe having sex with women who come very easily and are very horny... maybe that's my own personal jealousy talking!

[Heather]

Okay, four more and then I think I'll have some things to toss out to start thinking/talking about: is this the same partner from the last time you were actively posting? If so, have the things that were some big issues in your relationship on the whole been resolved since?

Also: are you focusing on orgasm when you're not getting there -- like, really just thinking about making it happen, putting your focus there -- or is that not something you're focused on (but instead are just focused on having a good time), but still isn't happening?

And: at times when what they're doing isn't doing it for you, how does it go to mix it up with your own hands (or toy, or however it is you usually get yourself off) in addition to what they're doing, or whole they touch you in other ways?

Lastly, can you give me a picture of, on average, how often when you're sexual orgasm is happening for you versus how often it isn't?

[14fields]

Yes, this is the same partner I posted about before. I'd say those big things have been largely resolved or at least managed--psychiatric medications have helped a lot with that for both of us. I still get anxiety, like I'm feeling now about all this, but it's much less than it used to be in years past. During sex, I will focus on the orgasm and also not... it depends on how I'm feeling. Maybe I'm just impatient to come--it takes me even longer than it used to because of the antidepressants, same thing with my partner, so sometimes I get tired of taking so long. I also find that I get really sexually frustrated if I don't orgasm.

They do mix it up for me, and experiment with different touches, and we'll use toys sometimes. They've been very good that way I usually get very aroused and wet during sex, so that isn't so much of an issue besides the fact that it's much harder for me to feel horny in general these days due to the medication and feeling tired from work, etc. And, we'll touch each other all over as well so it's not as if the rest of my body is neglected. I almost always do orgasm during sex though because if it seems that my partner's touches aren't getting me off, I'll go ahead and take care of myself. As far as how much I've orgasmed from their touch alone, I think I can count on one hand. I feel like maybe I'm just not used to touches that aren't my own yet? I pretty much always touch myself in only one way.

[Heather]

Okay, thanks: I know that was an awful lot of personal questions.

So, one big thing here is recognizing that if you most often ARE reaching orgasm, but sometimes aren't, then probably all that is is plain old normal. Someone always reaching orgasm is more uncommon than a person, most people, reaching orgasm sometimes, but not other times. And HOW people get there varies so widely: it's not like plenty of people don't incorporate masturbation to varying degrees in sex with partners, or like getting off when that's in the mix someone makes the sex you're having with a partner that also includes that not sex with a partner anymore. Do you get what I'm saying?

(Btw, we can certainly talk, if you like, about how to masturbate with a partner in a way that doesn't actually feel like you're somehow going rogue or no longer being sexual with a partner, but instead, like you're just adding an extra hand -- or whatever -- in the mix to the sex you are still having together AS a thing that's about being together.)

It's also very common for people to fantasize during sex with partners, so that's something else I'd suggest you just work on accepting, at the very least, and it's also even something that you can share with a partner if you like to amplify things even more, and also to make them more a part of what's going on in your head if you feel like that feels better to you (or more exciting!) than just keeping it to yourself. Sharing sexual fantasies with one another is something a lot of sexual partners tend to find exciting and fun.

By all means, it's so, so common for SSRIs to make it tougher for people to reach orgasm, or just to make it take longer than it might otherwise. So, both because of that possible impact, but also in general, I think the first thing I'd want to put in there is thinking about WHY it's frustrating for you when you can't get to orgasm or when it's taking longer. For instance, is it because you want sex to be over -- maybe you've gotten bored at a certain point, for instance -- and feel like orgasm is the only way to end it? Is it because both of you switch your focus only or mostly to getting you (or them) off and off of pleasure at a certain point?

By and large, I feel like there's a thread through a lot of this I'm picking up on that sounds like putting more of a focus on how you perhaps think things "should" be, and less on accepting how they are. In other words, I'm seeing a whole bunch of things you've mentioned that sounds like they're working very well for you, but it also sounds like you've got yourself in a mindset with some of them that involves deciding they're less ideal or substandard, and are trying to make things be different in ways that are not working for you rather than going with what DOES. Know what I mean by that? If so, I'd see what you can't both do to remind yourselves that our sexual lives -- especially when they most often are sexual lives we enjoy -- are ultimately something that are a process of experimentation to discover what we like, what works for us, and how things work for us as unique individuals and in unique relationships, rather than something where someone else wrote scripts that we need to try and follow, and if and when they don't work for us, figure out how to MAKE work rather than going by the scripts our sexualities have written for themselves.

It's so easy to get frustrated with sex or sexual response, I think, if we get lost in expectations that aren't based on US but based on other people (and often are rarely very widely representative, no less). And if we try and make our sexual lives conform to anything external, rather than trying to just do them in a way that reflects who we are, our own sexualities, where we're at, and just rock that, whatever it is, I'd say frustration is pretty much guaranteed for a lot of people, if not almost everyone.

One last thing: by all means, orgasm does often tend to give us at least some feelings of sexual resolution and a feeling of release. But it might help to think about and explore other ways of feeling satisfied (rather than frustrated) and resolved, something I think is a good idea even when people are having all the orgasms they could ever want to be having, just because that actually can be pretty one-note. Why do you think you feel frustrated if you don't reach orgasm? How much of that frustration is physical, how much emotional or conceptual? Is there anything you might be able to unpack with that so that if and when orgasm doesn't happen (and it just won't for everyone at least sometimes), you can start finding some other ways to "finish" a sexual experience you've enjoyed and still feel satisfied and happy?

(Some of all that feels a little loose to me, btw: been a bit of a long day, so my apologies if I've been unclear. Feel free to ask me to clarify anything or have another go at what I have said, and we can also keep talking, by all means. This was all just about a place to start, it doesn't have to be the whole conversation or the only answers you get.)