Reciprocating

[anonymous2.0]

I'm in a relationship with a boy I've been dating for about a year now, and it's really hard for me to reciprocate. In previous discussions we've had he said he would be fine with just giving and not receiving, but now that's changed. He's fingered me before and it's nice and I want to give him a handjob but I'm really scared. I feel like I'll do it wrong or something and I can't seem to get up the courage. Thoughts?

[Sam W]

Hi anonymous,

You mention that the thought of reciprocating scares you. Can you tell me a little more about that (it's totally an okay thing to feel, but chatting about it can sometimes help you articulate it to yourself)?

You also mention that your boyfriend was okay with your boundaries and discomfort, but now that's changed. How are things different now?

[anonymous2.0]

I'm scared that I'll do something wrong or he won't like it. I also thought I was asexual for a while but that changed sort of recently and I feel like I still have some asexual feelings that are why I don't want to. I've never been this intimate with someone before and it can get overwhelming and a little bit too much sometimes.
Things are different because I asked him the other day if he minded not receiving the same stuff from me and he said it felt a little unfair. When we talked about it a long time ago, he said he felt that if the person really loved you they would be fine with just giving and not receiving. I guess in practice it didn't really work out like that, so now he wants more from me. He's okay that I don't want to and he's not really expecting anything, but I still feel bad.

[Heather]

Can I ask you about what you want?

In other words, when you talk about wanting to engage in handjobs: is that about you feeling a sexual desire to do so? Is that something you feel excited about in general, and want for yourself?

Or is this more about feeling like you should have to do that for some reason, or that t's not okay if you don't want to?

[anonymous2.0]

I guess it's a sexual desire, I want to make him feel good the way he makes me feel good when he fingers me. I feel like I have to to some degree, because right now our relationship is unequal. He says it's okay that I don't want to and that I should wait until I'm ready, but I do want to. I feel like I just can't for some reason.

[Carmen]

HI anonymous2.0,

It sounds like one of the reasons you mentioned before for feeling like you can't is that you are scared you'll do something wrong or that he won't like it, do you think that is one of the reasons? And if so, have you talked to him at all about that concern?
What other things do you think may be making you feel like you just can't do it?

[Heather]

I'd pitch in to what Carmen asked, and suggest you do just go ahead and tell him about your worries.

For one, sometimes just saying these things out loud to the person we're worried about them with can go a long way. You too could also talk about how HE learned to do what YOU enjoy. Because it's going to be the same way you will, mostly likely: by trying some things and by communicating. (And if you two haven't been doing that, then chances are however nice what you two have done has felt so far, it could feel a whole lot nicer if you communicate more so you both can learn together what works best for each of you!) And you likely gave him room to have a learning curve as well, so you two could talk about how of course, you'll be given the same room to learn as you go.

I'd also remind you that sex with a partner -- when it's sex people tend to actually really enjoy -- isn't about people doing things "right." Rather, it's about enjoying the whole adventure of the thing, experimenting, and learning as you go. So long as people are communicating with each other, are listening and responding to that communication, and are doing a good job staying within any limits or boundaries each person have, it truly is awfully hard to "do" sex "wrong." If, when you take part in any kind of sex you both want to be part of, you're just focused on what feels good to you, physically and emotionally, and what he tells you is and isn't working for him, and your main focus is just on that and connecting together, not on rights or wrongs, it'll all be good, truly.

BUT.

I'd also say that it's important to talk about feeling like you have to do anything sexual. No one is obligated to do anything sexual with anyone, ever. If he's doing things with you, that's ideally because HE wants to, as much for himself as for you, and because he's enjoying himself as much as you are. If he's not, or he's doing anything he doesn't actually want or like, then it's time to check in about that and change things up so that the only things either of you are doing are things you want to do -- as much for yourself as for the other person -- feel okay doing, and both enjoy. And if you're not yet in the place where you don't feel obligated to do something sexual, I'd suggest stepping things back a bunch to figure out what has to happen to change that, whether that's about ways you're thinking, ways he's behaving, false ideas one or both of you has about sex, or anything else.

Equality in sexual relationships can't be created by anyone doing sexual things they don't actually want to be doing. Again, if he's doing something to your genitals, that's probably because he likes doing that, as much for himself as for you: with something like manual sex, for instance, when it's wanted by everyone involved, it tends to feel just as good for those of us "giving" (IMO, this is a problematic framework to begin with, but it's what people tend to be most familiar with) as for those "receiving." Our fingers have a ton of sensory nerve endings just like genitals do, so it can feel as good to the person with the fingers as to the person with the genitals involved. And the things that make someone doing that to you enjoyable are usually the same or similar things that make it enjoyable for the person doing the doing, as it were.

But if he ISN'T enjoying himself and DOESN'T want to be doing that with you, the answer isn't for you to ALSO do things you don't really want or only feel you have to do. The answer in that situation would be for NEITHER of you to do anything you aren't psyched to do and don't love doing.

If you haven't read this already, this piece might also help correct any ideas you have about reciprocity that aren't sound, since it sounds like there are some busted frameworks afoot here: Reciprocity, Reloaded.

But above all else, it sounds to me like for right now, what you probably need and want to do more of is talking about this. If you don't feel ready to do anything -- or aren't even how sure you really want to, rather than feel obligated to -- or feel scared more than excited, it's not a good idea to push yourself to do that thing. It's usually best for everyone to honor your own feelings and to work things out like this by talking them out first.

[Heather]

I do also want to add that for a lot of people -- not everyone, but for many people -- 15 still feels too early to be part of any kind of genital sex, like handjobs/fingering, oral sex or intercourse. So, some of all of how you've been feeling might just be about it feeling too soon for you for this.

One way to try and figure that out, if you're not sure, could be to ask yourself this: if you were dating someone who didn't want to be doing any of this, do you think YOU would be asking them to be sexual with you in these ways, or feel frustrated if they didn't want to have these kinds of sex? If not, then what might be going on here most of all is just that this isn't something you even want yet for yourself and that you don't feel ready for. In other word,s it may be the the main or even only reason you're having this conundrum is because you're dating someone who does feel ready and does want any of this for themselves, so you feel like you have to try and make yourself ready before you are out of worry they won't keep dating you, or to try and please them, even if it's not right for you right now.