Boyfried maybe with erectile disfunction- how to approach the subject?

[junojagger]

Hello Scarleteen staff!
First of all- always proud and happy with this website, much love for it!
So, a little info to fill you in.
I (18y/o girl) have been dating this boy (18 y/o) for about 7 months now and we clearly love each other very much! I lost my virginty to him about 5 months ago. We have sex regularly and the only odd thing so far is that he prefers to cum via blowjob (he actually never came from intercourse ...). I asked him about this and he said that it takes him too long to cum during sex and he begins to get really physically tired after a while. I think it's strange and it bothers me a little...
Anyway. I am writing because of another issue that has come up. Since the begining of the year he has - he said so and it was pretty clear- been under a lot of stress, due to pressure to go to university and having to study hard. I am not sure if this is the cause, but mostly everytime we have sex he can't mantain his erection for long.
Sometimes a distraction causes this, such as drinking a glass of water (?!?! help!!) or me going quickly to the bathroom before sex or during. Sometimes it is out of the blue. It didn't bother me much because I don't usually "prolong" (if you get what I mean) sex as much as him. But now it has me annoyed because, well, I want to have sex with him, and most of the time I'm not ready to finish yet!
He doesn't seem very nervous about it when it happens. He usually has an "oh well" or a slightly agitated "let's try to get it up again" attitude.
I have been very receptive to this and tried to not make it a big deal, saying that it's ok and doing "jobs" to get the stiffy back on again.
But lately my pacience is getting shorter and I'm having dificulties hiding my irritation and concern. He hasn't been stressed for a long while now. Makes me wander the reasons behind this. He doesn't have ANY problems getting it up at first, only to mantain it.
I have done some research about the matter and there are a few informations that might help to understand it.
He is a smoker and he usually goes drinking with friends on fridays - mostly beer (the legal age in Brazil is 18 haha). I have read that drugs and alcohol may influence erection troubles. I would say he is a slightly above moderate smoker, but not heavy.
I would LOVE to make him confortable to discuss this matter with me and to help him get around this!! I am lost though, and I feel that this is an overall sensitive subject, so I don't know how to start! Also, I would like to know if it REALLY is erectile dysfuntion or just circunstancial... I turn to you, Scarleteen, for answers!!! Thanks a bunch, in advance.

[Sam W]

Hi Junojagger,

So, with younger people, it's unlikely that erectile issues are being caused by something physical and more likely that there is a mental component (like the stress he mentioned), although alcohol can have some effects as well. I think this article makes a really good starting place: ED: Why You Don't Have to Get So Down About Not Getting It Up

As far as how to start having these conversations, my biggest tip is to not have it in the moment that this is happening. Instead, wait until you're somewhere private but not about to have sex, so that it feels less like you're putting him on the spot. This piece has lots of tips about how to talk about sexual stuff with a partner that might also be helpful: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

[Redskies]

Hi, junojagger. I'd like to add some things to what Sam's given you.

You said you think it's strange that he doesn't orgasm from intercourse - it's actually not strange. For sure, it's more common than not for people with penises to orgasm (at least sometimes) from intercourse, but there's still plenty who don't, or who prefer to orgasm from other kinds of sex. I know that there are a LOT of messages in the world around us that men always want sex and that penises are (or should be) always ready, keen and standing to attention at just the thought of intercourse, but in reality that's not true. All humans have complex thoughts and feelings about sex at least sometimes. Absolutely everyone, too, will experience fairly regularly our body just not doing what we want or responding in the way we want. That's true of penises and erections: sometimes an erection happens when the person doesn't want it, and sometimes, conversely, it doesn't happen or doesn't stay when they do want it. It's just bodies being bodies, really, and having a bit of a life of their own.

It's very good that he doesn't seem very bothered by losing erections: for a start, being bothered by it wouldn't change the situation. If we're very bothered whenever our body doesn't do a thing we want, that's going to be a life with a lot of frustration! Too, with physical sexual response, one of the biggest possible interferences is stress or worry about our own physical arousal (or lack of it), or stress or pressure about orgasm. You did also say that sometimes he's slightly agitated: if he's feeling bothered in the moment and he's deliberately trying to create a particular physical response - erection - from his penis, that focus and those feelings are likely getting in the way for him, and making it less likely he'll have and sustain an erection. Physical sexual response mostly happens when we feel aroused, relaxed, and when we're involved in feeling the pleasure of whatever we're involved in at that moment. Trying to get a particular physical response from our body, and focusing on that, tends not to be very pleasurable, sexy or enjoyable, and so it's often - annoyingly and ironicly! - self-defeating.

I'm hearing that you're having some pretty hard feelings about not being able to have the kinds of sex with him you'd like. Certainly, sex can be a very loaded and sensitive issue. I'd encourage you to try to think about where those feelings are coming from, and how to manage them, yourself, separate from him. It tends to feel pretty lousy for the person whose body isn't co-operating - who likely also has their own feelings about that - to also experience impatience and irritation from a partner. So, it's very much kinder to him if you do your best not to bring those to the table at all, and instead look at them yourself. (Too, if he's picking up on those feelings, that's another possible source of concern for him, which is only going to take you both further away from the kinds of intercourse you want.) Would you like to talk more about your feelings with us?

Something I think might really help you, and possibly the both of you, is to consider that there are many kinds of sex other than intercourse. Whenever anyone, really, is thinking that there's no sex if there's no erect penis, it's likely to be very dissatisfying all round. Because bodies are a bit peculiar and because everyone has different wants and needs, it really helps to think about sex as broadly as possible and to open up as many ways as possible that each person would like to experience pleasure. For example, if he's not erect and you'd like to have sex, perhaps the two of you might like manual sex or oral sex? If you'd like sex with entry, perhaps you both might do that with his fingers or with toys? When you and he talk about things, I'd suggest you talk about how you both can feel happy and satisfied with your sex life rather than how you might change what his body's doing. If it was easy to change his body's responses, it would've happened already, so talking more about that would probably just amp up both your concern and frustration. Instead, if you can accept his body for where it's at at the moment and talk about how you both might enjoy sex and pleasure with things as they are, that's likely to help you both improve your sex life, your satisfaction and your relationship.
These two pieces expand a lot on different kinds of sex and pleasure, and are probably helpful to you:
What's Sex?
Yield for Pleasure

I think that this advice column: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... t_can_i_do might help you out some, too.

[junojagger]

First of all, thanks for both of your replies! I will definitely read the articles you sent.
Redskies, in the matter of my feelings, I guess there are a few things bothering me... The thing is, because of his preference to oral sex, intercourse per say seems to be MY pleasure time, something only for me... It doesn't seem like he is enjoying it fully when we do it, it's not something we do TOGETHER. And then, it's his turn to have fun and so I blow him to orgasm. Of course there is foreplay but not very much of it. I guess I am still a bit shy to bring concerns to him about this subject.
He also is kind of relunctant on performing oral sex on ME. I once brought it up and he said that I don't ask for it formally, so he doesn't do it.
Anyway, I guess that this dynamic is not what I want. I wish we could both enjoy eachother like we do the rest of the time and for it not to be a he-does-stuff-for-me-I-do-stuff-for-him kind of mechanic thing.
Maybe that's why I have been more and more upset about the erection difficulty, since it was the main way I was getting pleasure.
I think that's the rest of my feelings about the subject...
Thanks for listening!! I hope you reply with advice

[Heather]

Can you give me a sense of what things (sexually) you do together that you BOTH really enjoy, for yourselves as much as the other, and BOTH really want to be doing, again, for yourselves as much as the other? Is there anything you do together that you both, really, really enjoy? Where both of you know from talking about all of this, there's no doubt that most of the time, you both do really enjoy yourselves?

If not, was there ever a time when you both did?

Too, when you say it's someone's "turn to have fun," do you mean the other person, be it him or you, isn't also having fun?

It's just sounding a little to me like both of you are sometimes doing things you don't want to, or as something that's a bit of a chore, but I'm not sure if I'm reading something into what you've said that's actually the case or not. That seems like what you're saying, but just wanted to check first to be sure.

Oh, also, when eh talk about him not being able to maintain erection "for long," what kind of time period are we talking about? To give you a benchmark, the average time from when penis stimulation starts to orgasm for adult (as in, past-puberty) people, is around a couple minutes. For people who aren't yet adults, it's usually shorter.

[junojagger]

Heather,
I don't think there are sexual things that we do together that we both REALLY enjoy it, one as much as the other. Actually, the other day we tried a new position in which I could see he was really liking and so was I- he had an "orgasm face", but it didn't last all the way through.
In the begining, it didn't feel much as a chore, persay. It's not that I don't like doing oral sex on him, I actually like it, bringing him to orgasm, knowing he's having pleasure, trying new techniques; whatever. It's just a bit tiring having to do it EVERYTIME (and I mean everytime), because it doesn't seem like he gets that much pleasure from anything else. And -I confess- that makes me feel bad about myself in some way, like I'm not that good in bed? It saddens me we aren't being able (hope that will change) to do something together instead of two separate things. It bothers me this, that he doesn't seem to have "fun" or be enjoying something that is "supposed", or would be better if it were the both of us, not only for me. I know I can't control what he preffers or what he doesn't like at all, but I strive to find things that we both like, and that gives us both sexual pleasure. Do you suggest I have a light talk with him about this?

About the erection. Sometimes we have just started (a matter of 5 minutes or so) and some kind of distraction quickly brings him down. Sometimes it happens in the middle of sex, in about 15 minutes. The last time, which drove me to write the original post, it started getting flacid in I would say 10 minutes. And then I blew him until it was hard again (he asks me too when this happens) and when he put it back in it was already not erect again.
I wouldn't be concerned if this didn't happen pretty much everytime! Plus, most of the time he's the one who iniciates sex and who's more eager to start, and as I said, he doesn't have any trouble to get it up at first- its actually pretty easy ...Maybe it's just more of a circunstancial low sex drive?

[Heather]

Okay.

So, with the erection, he's actually keeping an erection for much LONGER than average. So, nothing is premature here in terms of what his body is doing. Instead, what sounds like is happening here -- and this is more common than not -- is that intercourse is being over before YOU want it to be over or reach orgasm.

But for a lot of people, it's just not going to usually be able to go on for that long, because orgasm for the person with the penis will simply happen much sooner than that most of the time for pretty much everyone with a penis. So, there's nothing the matter with his body, and no cause for concern there: it's acting like that body part does for most people who have one. You two just need to find some things you enjoy as much once his erection is done. (Or, more sexual activities to do before you even start intercourse, so that you're most of the way there before it even starts, which can make the timing issues with that activity that are so common a non-issue.) If he wants to have sex, there's also no reason to believe he has low levels of sexual desire (what you're calling a "sex drive.")

And honestly, it's sounding to me like you two could kind of stand to just really change up what's been going on full-stop, and start by really talking to each other about what each of you really does like, and about what either of you have been doing either when you're not liking it anymore, or when you're just not into it at all. Then you'll want to start talking more about what you can try or explore to change your sex life together so that a) it has things in it you both really like and want, and b) there's an end to anyone doing anything sexual they're not into.

Long story short, I don't think anything here is about anything wrong with anyone involved, or their body parts. Instead, it sounds like you're just needing to figure out what's going on in the relationship, and how you're being sexual together, and work together to start changing it up so that everyone can enjoy themselves with no need for their bodies to somehow behave differently than bodies usually can. Make sense?

Have you read those links yet? If not, I think those are a good next step before you bring all of this back to your boyfriend and start communicating together.

You both may also find communicating with a list like this handy, and with each of you filling it out so you can share yours with each other and get a better sense of who really wants what and what one or both of you might be excited to try you don't even know about yet: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist

[junojagger]

It seems we have reached a solution! I have read the articles and will read the one you sent me. I think I have enough intimacy to talk about these things with him so as soon as I get through that iniciating the subject shyness it will be a breeze. I am also very much calmer now about the erection subject, I had no clue as to the how long they usually last!
Thank you Heather and the rest of the Scarleteen staff for helping me on this.
Keep up the good work!!
xoxo

[Heather]

Glad to be of help.