Taking care of myself or running away?

[Keeper_of_cats]

Hey! I have a question that might have a very obvious answer (maybe especially for people without histories of abuse that mess with one's sense of appropriate boundaries?).

Some background: my girlfriend and I have been dating for a few years now and she's non-monogamous. She recently started dating a new girlfriend (not her first during our relationship, but her first in a while). I'm recovering from a demanding semester, so I know I'm not at my most resilient emotionally and I'm not generally very confident in my own gut feelings on boundaries for abuse/low self-esteem reasons.

Right now I'm trying to adjust to both having free time, which tends to accompany a mood drop, and not being able to see or talk to my girlfriend quite as much. I understand rationally that that's a good thing, because she's doing things that make her happy and diversifying her life and she should be able to do that without worrying about my well-being.

However, I've been pretty sad and my feelings are not cooperating because my brain insists on interpreting everything as if I am worthless and should be hated (this is stuff I'm working on with my therapist). It's especially hard to deal with when my girlfriend is spending time with her new partner. The most effective solution I've got, since these are feelings I more or less have to accept right now, is to schedule my meet-ups and coffee and things with my friends during times when I know she's out with her girlfriend.

My question is if this solution is a morally acceptable/emotionally healthy thing to do. I'm engaging with my friends, I'm not scheduling to hang out with them and then being sad or moody instead of actually catching up, but I'm afraid that I'm either using my friends or that I should be trying to process these feelings instead of trying to avoid the situations that bring them up (the sitting alone while she's out situations). Any advice or thoughts would be really helpful!

[Jacob]

Hey Keeper!

I don't think there is anything unethical about hanging with friends when you're not feeling tip-top! That is how lots of people decide to spend time with each other... it's just a question of whether you are happy with those friendships individually.

But, it sounds like you are having doubts about your right to care for yourself in all kinds of ways! You get to spend time with friends, you also get to feel your feelings of not being ok with your partner seeing someone new while you are having a tough time. Of course its their choice to do so, and your choice to be in this relationship, but when you mention 'rational understanding' you seem to really rate that above your feelings which are just as valid and important!

Your feelings and your partner's feelings are the real context in which you make your decisions and can potentially affect each other positively. Which I guess and hope is why you want to be together! So how you feel really really matters, you get to give yourself permission to be sad and ask others for support.

Have you spoken to your therapist about the impact of low self esteem on your every day life?

It seems like the situation you talk about here would be a really good place to show yourself some love!

I hope this helps, Keeper of Cats!

[Keeper_of_cats]

Thanks for your response, Jacob!

I am working on self-esteem with my therapist, but of course those kinds of deep-seated beliefs are a long journey to uproot so there are some uncomfortable experiences along the way. I did do years of cognitive-behavioral therapy, which sort of trained me to rate my rational thoughts above my emotions in a way that I kind of warped to validate my poor self-image, but my new therapist is working with me on that too.

I actually have a second, related question that's also about boundaries and also might be obvious to people with better judgment about those. I'm wondering how much is appropriate to share with my girlfriend about the rough emotions I've been dealing with. She's been clear that she wants to help me feel better and deal with the underlying self-esteem issues where that's possible, but I don't want to make her feel guilty or like she's doing something wrong.

She also knows the broad strokes and we've worked through some specific issues, but I've been light on detail about being generally sad. I'm concerned that telling her would either end up inhibiting her ability to enjoy herself worry-free when she's with her other partner or making her feel like she needs to spend more time interacting with me than she wants.

Come to think of it, I have a third question (but feel free to stop because I know this is getting long and you're all busy people!). I'm working on adjusting to not talking to her as much, but I'm not sure I'm having much luck. For example, since she had plans yesterday I haven't heard from her since yesterday morning, and I felt (and am still feeling) really sad and rejected about that. Given that it's not reasonable for me to ask someone to be constantly in contact so that I feel better, do you have any suggestions for coping with the sad/rejected feelings?

I really appreciate the time and care here!

[Jacob]

You can perhaps ask her if you want to be sure - "Would you like to know more about the more difficult stuff I have been going through? I can share if you would like?". Asking that is often a really good way of being attentive to what someone is ready to hear but also leads into discussion really well.

I am wondering if you might benefit from thinking about how or if this relationship style can work for you. It could be good to have a more in depth discussion about what works for each of you, what is difficult and how (or if) you can make your relationship and outside dating operate together in ways that are nice for you both.

Is that a discussion you guys tend to have?

If you are hurting, and she is someone who wouldn't want that for you. It isn't preventing her from doing anything it just gives her more information to make the choice.

If I was doing something that a partner experienced a lot of pain thinking about. I would really like to know so I could do something about it and care for them!

[Keeper_of_cats]

We have discussed our relationship style (at length) and made a few adjustments as needed. With her last long-term partner, I had similar feelings until I got to know them and made friends. That more or less alleviated my difficulties then and I think it will work again, but that means I have to deal with some discomfort until I get to know her new girlfriend.

I'm okay with paying that price to date my girlfriend, but prioritization doesn't seem to talk me out of being sad. She does want to hear about what's going on with me, but I'm worried about unforeseen consequences that might breed resentment.

[Mo]

I just want to throw in something about your third point above. I do agree with you that it's good to be able to handle not hearing from her for a little while, and getting adjusted to fluctuations in how often you see/talk to her is a good idea. In the context of non-monogamous relationships, though, I think it's helpful to try and find ways to both give your partner space when needed and help you feel cared for and valued even when you're not spending as much time together, or in moments where you might want to be in touch but know she's with another partner.
I'm wondering if there are some small things you could identify, either on your own or by talking with your girlfriend, that she could do as little reassurances when she can't see you as often. I know that when I was in a long-distance relationship and was feeling a bit insecure because we'd be busy and didn't have time to talk like we usually did, it was a huge help to just ask my partner if he could send me really short texts or tweets as an "I'm thinking about you, you're great!" signifier. It was a small thing that didn't take much time out of his day but it was a huge help for me. So, maybe this is something you could talk about with her?

For coping with feelings of being sad or rejected, reaching out to other friends seems pretty great to me, honestly; I don't think that would count as "using" them at all - the only thing I'd find objectionable would be if you spent the entire time with friends talking about your feelings or problems and didn't engage them about their lives, have some general light-hearted conversation, etc. But just spending time with supportive friends and talking about how you're feeling if you want to is great! Whenever I've felt left out or lonely in a polyamory situation I find that keeping busy either with friends or other hobbies is really helpful. Sometimes it helps to remember the other non-romantic connections we have with other people when we're feeling sad or lonely in a relationship.