Not sure

[Heather]

We have to set boundaries -- and often more than once, but as a constant practice -- with *everyone* in our lives if we're to *have* healthy boundaries. That's just not something automatic: it's something everyone has to actively and intentionally do.

I'd suggest you do a few things for yourself, given how hard it is for you to set boundaries with people, period:
1) Tell him in advance of tomorrow you want to take some time at the start of the day to talk about some things that are bothering you. That way, you can't back out on yourself with this.

2) Just write things down like you did here: what's bothering you, what you want and need, what is okay from him, what isn't okay from him.

3) Don't focus on trying to say things in a way he will understand, especially since no one HAS to understand our feelings to respect boundaries we are setting in the first place. We can, after all, accept and respect someone's set boundaries even if we don't understand where they're coming from or why they want or need them at all. You just need to focus on what you are asking for from him and do your best to voice the limits and boundaries you are asking for clearly.

4) Keep the focus on YOU and your feelings, and on actions you are asking him to take or not take. And bear in mind what actually isn't about him at all, but is your own work to do. For instance, that you feel guilty when you know or sense someone else is feeling worried about you isn't actually on that other person, nor is a thing they can probably do much about: that kind of thing is about you doing your own work over time to manage your own feelings and to learn to be less codependent. Make sense?

[Tigger1]

Sorry I was with you up until point 4. Then i got lost. Can you explain it a little more please?

[Heather]

Sure. Try and sit down today and think about what, in all of this, is really about things HE can do -- or stop doing -- and what, in all of this, is about things YOU need to do or stop doing.

For example, he calls you more often than you'd like to be called, so you can ask him, fairly, to please call you less often, and wait for you to call him back before he calls again.

On the other hand, you have expressed that you feel uncomfortable with someone close to you like this feeling worried about you, and that concern like that results in you feeling guilty or like you have to respond to that person sooner or more often than you'd like. That's the kind of thing that isn't about him or what he is doing, but is about you and what you are doing. That's something where the action involved needs to be yours, which is doing your own work to learn to simply accept other people's feelings and leave them for them to manage, and not let them influence your own actions or choices so much.

That make more sense?

[Tigger1]

That makes a lot more sense. Thank you for explaining it more.

I will spend some time this evening after my scheduled self-care thinking about these points.
thanks

[Heather]

You're welcome.

[Tigger1]

Heather,
Is it ok if I email you. Have a question about something I read today and was wondering if you'd be able to shed some light on it for me? Please!

[Heather]

Since I'm here right now in the services we use to work with users through (save in limited exceptions with extreme crisis), why don't we talk about whatever that is here?

[Tigger1]

Ok,
I've been reading some stuff Today (about assault and sexual coercion) it's got me thinking that this is why I feel I need to set some specific boundaries with him because part of the issue I am having right now with him is that he is triggering my emotions too much in relation to this stuff and I don't know how to deal with either, not effectively anyway. I've been dealing with self care but still not sure how to deal with triggers or how to avoid them completely. He calls way to much, sometimes about how I'm feeling, what my moods are etc etc etc but at others it's in relation to getting together, sending images and stuff. It's been getting progressively worse over the last few days.
It's actually making me think I should just do it and then he might leave me alone for a while. Yes I am aware that's MY issue.
I have turned him down before and he was fine with it, this time not so much. This time it's like I'm being hounded to give in.

[Heather]

So, what I hear you saying is that you're feeling pressured. I'm glad that you're able to acknowledge that feeling.

Personally, I'd say that when any of us are just barely starting to try and heal, it's probably best for us to put some real distance between ourselves and anyone, in any context, that just keeps triggering things for us, or who, in any way, is doing anything that makes us feel sexually pressured. It's just too much to grapple with, I think, and it's also very hard to have a good sense of our own radar right after assault -- especially when that happened with someone well-known to you, as yours did -- to know if we're missing anything important.

My best advice, listening to all of this and how you're feeling would be to suggest you simply let him know that for now, you need to just stick to a work-only relationship. I know he has given you some support and help you did want, and that you have valued this as a friendship, and you can say all of that, but make clear that however much you have valued and appreciated it up until now, it's become clear to you that it's just not at all the right thing while you are in the space you are trying to heal.

You can also give him some room by saying that this isn't about him trying to do you harm or stand in the way of your healing, it's just what's happening regardless of what he intends, and you need to make some big-time space so you can take care of yourself and also get further along your healing process to even start to get a real sense of what kinds of relationships are and aren't right for you and are or aren't what you need.

Since he seems to have said he's very concerned about you, if that's been for real, while he may be bummed, he should ultimately get on board with you saying you need the space you do in order to be okay. And if he pushes back, then unfortunately what you'll then know is that he's too self-interested in what he wants from your relationship right now to be the kind of person you need, and is good for you to be close to, period. Alas, even generally good people who can be great for us in some respects just don't always have the goods to be someone we can have healthy relationship with, be around when we're in crisis, or both.

Does that all make sense?

[Tigger1]

Yes I do feel pressured. Again. But in a different way this time, As I said I feel like I'm being hounded and it's making me feel really uneasy. It's triggering all kinds of emotions in me after speaking with him. It feels like its almost a kind of 'well I've been kind enough to you, so now I need stuff too' I am fully aware I don't owe anyone in this way. Yet that's how I feel.
He has been a support to me and he has been there in my dark dark moments encouraging me through and I am grateful for that. But I'm now trying to heal rather than be back in that place again where I felt powerless etc etc. And unfortunately with the whole texting/ringing whatever it is making me doubt my recovery so far, as an outsider is he seeing something I'm not? Have I not gained any strength at all because he still feels the need to check in on me constantly? (Questions that don't need an answer btw, just thinking here) I'm proud to say that for 36hrs now I have had no thoughts of 'I don't want to be here' that to me is progress above all else.
To me right now though I can't stop thinking about how I've stood up for myself before and it turned out badly, majorly badly. I do understand you can't put every man under the same umbrella but this is the feeling that comes up when I think about telling him to back off with this stuff.

[Heather]

I think it might help to remember, and keep reminding yourself, that when people give us support, we don't owe them anything. In other words, offering to support someone, and giving support when they accept our offer, isn't one half of a trade, or something that comes with a price. It's something we give freely, and for free.

Really, we don't even owe someone gratitude -- or vice-versa, when it's us doing the supporting. No one owes anyone anything for support extended and freely given.

Who knows how he feels about this. from what I know about the relationship, I just suspect he has feelings for you (we already knew this), felt closer to you in supporting you, and is being hamfisted about wanting to get closer to you. And if you haven't been clear with setting boundaries (this isn't about blaming you for that in any way, btw), then that's going to add to confusion here, because it is hard to figure out what someone also wants with you, or what they're okay with, if they aren't being straight with you and clear. If you haven't said much of what you have said here to me to him, he really can't know, whatver his motives may be.

If you are concerned about him reacting badly when you ask for the boundaries you need, I'd just have this talk in a public place. And perhaps if you have already set a time and place to connect tomorrow, for tonight, you can simply turn your phone off so no one is calling you or texting.

[Tigger1]

yes, that makes sense.

I have set a time and place for tomorrow and it will be in a public place (work meetings are now always held in public places, policy since my assault and they are on a computer system so everyone knows where everyone should be and for how long) and it's a place I feel comfortable enough in.

I seldomly turn my phone off TBH. But when I contacted him to say about tomorrow I did tell him I was going to be catching up with some sleep so I'd just see him tomorrow. So hopefully he will respect that.

Do you think that setting these boundaries and basically asking people to back the hell off will stop the emotional triggers though? Will it be a helpful thing for my healing? What I mean is, I know these triggers will be around for a long time yet but in the short term is this the only way of dealing with them?
I know some triggers are smells/sights or whatever but when it comes to in-person triggers is this the best way?

[Heather]

We can't stop triggers, we can only do what we can to limit them -- when that's in our control and it often isn't -- and more to the point, learn to cope with them. So, really, as I'm sure your rape counselor has also told you, the real focus when it comes to dealing with triggers has to do with what you learn to do for yourself (self-care) to manage them and your response to them, rather than on trying to avoid them or get others to change their behaviour so you can avoid them.

As an aside, and a bit of unsolicted advice, I'd suggest you start a habit of turning your phone off for periods of time, at the very least, when it's time to go to sleep, and only turning it back on after you have woken up and had time to be awake. You've talked a lot about troubles with sleeping, and screen-time is something known not to help with that, let alone a buzzing phone. Having a bunch of machines always on and within reach can also take up so much mental energy, even when it's passive, that it can be a lot harder to start learning ways to care for yourself, which has also been challenging for you.

But I also think there's something about always having a phone on that's like always leaving the window open. Since you know you have trouble with boundaries, having proverbial windows you always leave open for anyone to basically engage you at any time (or vice-versa) might not be helping you with that. It might also be a bit of a security blanket that's presenting a barrier to you learning self-reliance and self-care rather than a help.

[Tigger1]

Ok I'll try it.

Thanks Heather.

[Tigger1]

Hi Heather,

So today I have taken a total step backwards. I'm not sure where my PMA has disappeared too. I'm not really sure if it's one thing or a combination of things today that have made me feel like I do, I was doing so well as I told you the other day. Today though, it's the first day in a couple weeks that I'm in a don't wanna be here kind of situation. Maybe the reality of my recent changes has set in, I don't really know, I've spent the day so far trying to focus on myself and self care and not be so blah but I'm struggling tbh. Today I am struggling to see the light.
I have tried the self care stuff I've been doing so well and it's my appeared to be helpful.

[Tigger1]

Not appeared to be helpful even!

[Sam W]

Hi Tigger,

Sorry to hear you're having an off day. That's one of those unpleasant realities of healing. Some days will feel like you're back sliding. But, on the upside, even if you lose a little ground here or there you're still ultimately moving forward.

As for self-care, if the normal things you use are not working, it can often help to branch out a little. One thing to try is to make a list of activities that you're interested in (this can be trying out that new coffee place, or going to a different park than usual, getting a book from the library, etc) but haven't tried yet. It might be that adding some novelty into what you're doing to take care of yourself will help the process.

[Tigger1]

Hi Sam,

I've been doing really well recently, I have made a lot of changes in my life and maybe these have finally hit home today. I don't know. Yes I guess ultimately I am still moving forward in this its just not great to feel the way I do today, I know I've got a lot coming up soon too and that's perhaps playing on my mind and part of that I suppose is I haven't really stopped to think about that side of things until today. It's been on my mind but I've been kind of putting it in a box to think about fully until another time and I suppose not having a job right now(I quit mine, long story!) has meant I've had the time today to think about it.

Self care today hasn't worked so far, I get what your saying, I really do but I don't feel like pushing myself too far today TBH. Which might be the wrong way to look at it but because of how I feel, pushing myself to do something I'm not sure about is likely to make me feel worse rather than better. I think. It's getting late here so maybe an early night will help. I have a nightly routine now which does involve some self care stuff which I do enjoy so maybe because it's within my routine it will make me feel a bit more grounded.
Here's hoping today is just a one off day and that tomorrow I'll wake up and feel differently again!

[Carmen]

Hi Tigger1,

Just wanted to pop in and say it sounds like you are practicing good self care in knowing your boundaries for pushing yourself and in hanging in there and acknowledging that today may have just been an off day. I'm glad you said you are doing really well recently and glad you will be practicing your self care routine tonight too

[Tigger1]

Hey Carmen,

Thanks, I think it was just one of those days yesterday, have woken up this morning full of enthusiasm again and feel a bit stronger than yesterday. I know this thing is a long term thing and it's not going to happen overnight but that being said I think yesterday I just felt disappointed which might sound bizarre but I have been doing so well and I have been doing so many positive things in the last couple weeks that I didn't really expect to come crashing down like I did yesterday. I hadn't realised just how much this thing is up and down and to what extent I suppose.
I have a good idea at the moment of how not to push myself too hard in doing things I don't want to do, I kinda get that this is my process and I need to do/feel what feels/is best for me and my space and my brain!
As Sam suggested before with self-care I have taken up an evening class (thanks for that suggestion Sam!) Im also doing things that relax me more and give me the time/space and also a safe feeling place to think and to just be me.
i also know now that following yesterday's crash, i have the strength to pull through those bad days better and not feel like I did before when I felt like there wasn't enough in me to keep going.

[Sam W]

Glad to hear today is one of the "up" days, and that my advice was helpful!

[Tigger1]

Hey folks,

Am feeling nervous and was wondering if any of you had any strategies that might help me out!

Since my assault being round a lot of people has not been a good thing for me, the last time I was around a lot of people I freaked BUT saying that I am a lot stronger now than I was, basically Sunday I am going to a concert, something I am really looking forward too and have had booked way before my assault but the thought of all the people being around me is making me feel uneasy. I don't want to have the concert ruined by feeling uneasy and was just wondering if any of you had anything I could do it try or whatever in case it all goes wrong!
I am trying to keep strong and move forward but at the same time can't help thinking about how many people will be around.
Sorry if this seems an odd thing to write!

[Sam W]

Hi Tigger,

Some of what you could do depends on the venue and the type of concert. Like, if it's an "everybody dance/mosh pit" event, then one strategy would be to position yourself where you can't be caught up in that. You can also think about where to station yourself that would be most comfortable, like near an exit (or near a wall so no one can come up behind you and startle you).

Too, it can help to remind yourself that this is a space where you can leave if you want to. Sometimes just knowing that can help you feel calmer and less like you're trapped.

[Tigger1]

Hey Sam,

Sorry forgot to add that bit, it's a seated venue. Seats booked towards the front near the stage in the middle of a row. It's a Bruce Springsteen concert so not expecting any mosh pits TBH.

Am hoping I'll be ok but given that the most people I've been around since my assault was like 40 and not coping with that. Being near hundreds in freaking me a little!

[Sam W]

Ah, okay! That may help, if for no other reason than you have some designated space between you and other people.

Have you and the therapist you've been seeing covered any tips for being in crowds?