Not sure

[Tigger1]

This is probably the time to say also that he was sentenced to 8years imprisonment with a minimum serve of 6years.

[Heather]

THAT IS WONDERFUL NEWS.

How do you feel about it?

[Tigger1]

im not sure it's really sunk in yet TBH.

happy that I was believed.

Glad he got a conviction so that I can move forward.

When the judge told him, he looked at me and shook his head. Mustering all the strength I had left in me yesterday, I looked him in the eye and said 'told you I'd make you pay' wish now I'd said a whole lot more but that will do!

Generally feeling overwhelmed and exhausted from it all.

[Heather]

My best suggestion is that you see if you can't give yourself a couple days break from a lot of this. Ultimately, with the have-to-do things that need to be seen all the way through, this verdict gets you to the end of that. You've moved. You've started your new job. You have support systems set up.

So, what if, for at least the next few days, you just sort of give yourself a break per thinking about what to do next, and instead just give yourself a chance to start to experience that you can stop thinking that way now, and just start living your life again, and engaging in self-care as an ongoing practice. Might be, for example, knowing your interests, a good time to do some songwriting, take some long walks, etc.

[Tigger1]

To be honest right now all I really want is to just sleep. I can't seem to get him out of my head long enough to do that, I was getting into a good pattern and now, well I've been awake for 48hrs.
i will focus on self care for the next couple days and see what happens,

I've turned this around once, I'll do it again.

[Tigger1]

This morning I've had a couple of my ex colleagues email me and phone me, they got in contact to apologies to me, they said they hadn't believed me, they thought I was jealous of him and his success. They say they now know that wasn't the case and they offered their assistance in any way I need it to 'help me get over this' this info kinda sucks, people we worked closely with for numerous years, just thought I was jealous. That makes little sense to me TBH. Given our professional status, given my work. Jealousy would have never have come into it. It sucks that that was their reaction to all this. 'He was a nice guy and you were just jealous'
People really don't know me at all. People don't know him at all. Why do people now want to help me through it now they know he's guilty. Why didn't they want to know before this, before they just made their assumptions of me and the situation.

[Sam W]

Hi Tigger,

You're right. You've turned this around once, and gotten through a lot of tough stuff, and you can do that again.

While your colleagues (probably) had good intentions, that was the least helpful way to have expressed them. I'd also wager there is some guilt happening on their end for not believing you earlier and realizing they sided with a (now convicted) rapist. It sucks to feel like they're only supporting you after the fact and to know the assumptions they made about you.

Something I'll put out there for you to consider (you'll have a better sense of which would feel less stressful for you) is to essentially do a communication/ social media hiatus for a few days, to help keep you from getting flooded with similar messages (or people who were supportive from the get-go but still end up focusing on the assault). That gives you some breathing room. You could also tell people who are your main supports that you're needing some time to not focus on or think about the incident and the trial, so if they want to chat with you those topics are a no-go. The one thing to consider with this suggestion is that it may mean you get a chance to sooth yourself and relax, but then get inundated with messages about the assault when you come back (which can be jarring, to put it mildly).

[Tigger1]

Hey Sam,
Yer that makes sense.
I have an evening class to attend tonight and then after that I'm going camping in a forest with someone i find is supportive. We are gonna re connect with nature which is something I have found really helpful recently. We have agreed that we won't be taking any devices with us, it's only for one night and like half a day, i THINK I feel comfortable enough to do that.
Will be nice just to spend an evening away from the world.
I hadn't thought about coming back to messages or emails TBH. I was solely focused on what I felt I needed for today/tonight. I know there will be people wanting to communicate with me but right now, I need the right kinds of people to communicate with, those who support me and understand at least some of what I'm going through.

[Sam W]

That sounds like an excellent way to get away from everything that's been going on (and it sounds like fun to boot). Personally, going out camping always feels like setting a reset button in your brain.

I think focusing on what you need/are doing now is the right way to go. A sort of one step at a time mentality can keep you from getting overwhelmed. With the messages, something you have total permission to do is that if they aren't from someone you know is supportive and trusted, you can simply ignore them until you're in a place where you feel like you can deal with them.

[Tigger1]

To be honest I haven't been camping in many years, up until recently I've been a 'need electricity for hair straighteners and laptops' kind of girl. But long walks in the country seem to be my 'go to place' recently so I'm just gonna roll with that, if I don't feel like camping is my thing then I won't do it again but anything right now is worth a shot! IMO.
I am just going to try and do what I did before, focus minute by minute or day by day, it's how I managed last time and I'm hoping it will work this time round too. It's the only way this all feels less overwhelming, it's the only way I feel like I can process some of this enough to put myself back on an even level again. I felt I was doing ok and then this has hit me off my level again and I'm not sure how to re work on what I was doing. Maybe I just need to feel the things I feel for a bit before I can move forward again, like last time. Maybe I need to hit this low to be able to gain strength again. If that makes sense!

[Sam W]

That does make sense! There's something to be said for feeling the lows and letting them pass, so that you can figure out how to move on from them. Hopefully the camping helps out in that process!

[Tigger1]

Hi,

I didn't end up going camping as I ended up in ER instead am now recovering from surgery. Self care at the moment is a little difficult because of this but I am doing my best, as for communicating with others, I've got someone screening My emails for me, until such time as I feel able to read those myself.
Unfortunately recovering from surgery means I am having to spend a lot of time in doors and with my own mind, this isn't helping to forget the events of court and him etc etc. I have been trying to sleep but my nightmares have returned, they suck more than I can say, they end up waking me after only an hour or two of being asleep and are pretty weird and I end up feeling a whole host of emotions following them but mainly just fear which I suppose is normal for a nightmare.
I don't really know where my head is at right now, it's a total mix of emotions and it switches literally minute by minute.
i am still so angry, still so hurt and am deeply deeply saddened by so much of this stuff.
His solicitor has given me a letter that HE wanted to give me before the court hearing. It's unopened to this point and I have no idea if reading it will help or hinder my situation. Part of me is curious but then the other part is thinking I'm just going to end up more hurt. Maybe.
I still can't get his comment of 'I went back for round two' out of my head, I can't also dismiss the images he had of me from my mind. I can't forget that the court room was told/shown these things. I feel so exposed. I had people in court with me for support who also heard/saw things and that's effecting me.
I just don't know what to do at the moment.

[Mo]

I'm sorry to hear that you had to have an ER visit on top of everything else, but it sounds like you have some good strategies in place to take care of yourself even though it's tough at the moment.

Having a lot of conflicting and rapidly changing emotions isn't unusual when processing trauma, and it sounds like seeing him at the hearing, and hearing what he had to say there, has been an extra stress on you. It's absolutely your decision what to do with this letter, but based on what he said at court, I'm honestly having a hard time imagining anything he'd have to say would be at all comforting or positive. Maybe if you're not sure, it's a decision you could defer for a bit, until you're feeling a bit better in general? If you aren't sure what your reaction would be on reading it, it might be best to hold off on reading it (or deciding to burn it, or whatever) and focus on things that seem more likely to be a clear positive.

Do you want to talk at all about how having your support-friends hear the proceedings in court has made you feel? Are there things that you feel they could do to be helpful or distracting right now that you're comfortable asking for?

[Tigger1]

Hi Mo,

ER visit is just another hurdle to cross right now Not exactly how I planned this weekend, was looking forward to some major self care. But my body met emergancy surgery instead :/

In relation to the letter, one of the things I've said to Heather is that I wanted to find out more about what happened that night, I didn't like feeling so powerless in the respect that I didn't want him to be the only one out of us that knew exactly what happened, what he said in court and what I was told in court opened that up a lot and am now aware of what I feel is most of what happened. One of the things that's been playing on my mind is the whys of all this. Why me. Why that night, etc etc etc and I wonder if this letter might contain some sort of information that might put that to rest for me, it might do the complete opposite. Part of me is thinking now might be the right time because it's still so raw for me, since court was only last week, perhaps it might be easier to know now and then be able to completely focus on my future. If I decide to read it further along the line, might it bring me flooding back to this place in currently in. I'm sure it won't hold positive information but I'd be lying if I didn't say I was slightly curious as to what he feels the need to say to me.
But then burning it is also a valid option.

As for how it felt to to have my support in court seeing all of those things (and at the same time I did) it's left me feeling exposed. Physically and mentally. I knew about CCTV being shown but hadn't realised about the other images. Embarrassed and exposed and generally uncomfortable. I haven't been able to talk to them about how I feel about them seeing those either which is bugging me because I kinda want to say something but feel I've left it too late now because it was on Wednesday.

[Tigger1]

I'd like for people to stop 'babysitting me' I feel like those closest to me right now have wrapped me up in cotton wool. They aren't talking to me like they usually would, it's very much like people are just waiting for me to break again and that sucks that people can't be how they were with me before this situation.

[Mo]

One quick note - I definitely don't think it's too late to talk to folks about how you feel about them seeing those images. I get that it's easy to feel like you've lost your chance to say something (I feel like this a lot!) but honestly, I think it's rarely really too late to talk about important things, and certainly a handful of days later wouldn't be too late at all. Even if you just say "I'm not really sure how to talk about this with you, or what I want from you because of it, but here's how I'm feeling" that might be enough to start the conversation.
I think it can be common for people to not know exactly how to support a friend in crisis, and to be a bit too coddling or careful out of fear of doing the wrong thing. And that's something you can talk about too; you may find that people are relieved to have some direction from you in terms of what you want!

I recognize that both of these potential conversations put more emotional work on you, and that's really not fair right now for sure, but if it is something you can manage it might be helpful.

[Tigger1]

Thanks Mo,

I'll give it a go!
I am fully aware I need the support right now and don't want to turn a good support away, I hope that because they are a support they will be able to understand how I'm feeling about these things. I didn't realise they had images so it's not like I could of warned anyone about them, I warned about the CCTV but that's because I knew about that before the court appearance.

It's just left me feeling powerless again and majorly exposed and to those in my 'close' remit I much prefer to keep myself to myself. I have done so for a long long time. Having this situation happen has changed so much for me. I have changed because of it and right now I'm just trying to figure it all out, trying to figure me out and trying to keep my head above water.

[Karyn]

It's completely understandable that you're feeling powerless and exposed, and also that you sort of have to figure yourself out all over again as a result. I think Mo's suggestion about talking this over with people is spot on, and I totally agree that it's very rarely too late to talk about important things. In my experience, too, people who want to support you are generally going to be more than happy to talk about how they can do that, and what you might need from them (if, as Mo pointed out, those are conversations you feel you have the energy for).

[Tigger1]

Hey,
To be honest I don't feel like I've got the energy for much at the moment but it's something I'm working on. I am trying to do the whole self care thing and part of that is going to be having to talk about uncomfortable/triggery things with people so they know how/what/when to help and support me and what I need. Else like you guys say people won't know and as neither of you think it's too late to have those discussions I will have a go at doing so. I think it's what's needed so there isn't a kind of elephant in the room situation everytime I see people where my support don't know how to support and I suppose as time goes on it will be easier to have these conversations and as my needs change perhaps I'll have a better understanding of how to voice those.

[Karyn]

You know, if you don't feel like you have the energy for those conversations right this moment, I think it's something that can wait a bit longer. Perhaps it could be helpful just letting people know that at some point - not now but sometime - you'd like to talk to them about what you need, support-wise? It can definitely be tough to talk about yourself and what you need, and let yourself be vulnerable in that way, but it does tend to get a bit easier over time and with practice.

[Tigger1]

No TBH I don't feel like I have the energy right now but it's got to be done at some point I suppose. I also don't really know how I want people to support me, not really.

My assault, my mum, my dad, my termination, court, my moving house, my new job, now my surgery. It's all too much. All at once and I can't deal with it all. I'd much rather just talk to someone about the weather which is so a British thing to do but a mundane chat about something that isn't loaded would be amazing right now and I suppose that's what I want to say to these people but at the same time I understand that all the stuff that is so loaded for me will play a part in trying to figure out who I am and where I'm headed. Right now though I just want to feel 'normal' again. Less exposed, less used, less everything.

[Karyn]

It's okay to be unsure about what you need, or to have those needs change from day to day (even hour to hour). If you need a totally mundane conversation with someone, then that's something you can ask for.

[Tigger1]

Hi all,

So I've been taking some time out, to heal physically and emotionally and practice as much self care as I can.
I spoke to the people around me and just said that I needed people to stop treating me like I was going to break, instead I needed to get some normality back into my life to make me believe that all this is actually getting better. Mundane conversations can be amazing! People talking to me about the weather and new shoes and things has at times in the last week or so really kept me going, it's allowed me to forget about a whole bunch of stuff.
I also spoke to the person I had with me in court about the images etc, you were right, it wasn't too late and I think for both our sakes we needed to get that out in the open!
I decided to read the letter he wrote me. I thought that it wasn't going to change much anyway, I was already feeling low again so what did it really matter.
Following this (Heather will be pleased to hear!) I can now truly, hand on heart say this guy is an absolute (insert unkind word) I have no feeling whatsoever for him other than hate, anger and general WTF!
The words he wrote were just terrible. Harmful. General rubbish.
And at the end of reading it, although I still know every word he wrote. I burnt it. Something quiet satisfying seeing his words go up in smoke.
I suppose now I know what he was thinking that night, how long he had been planning this and what happened. Something I really did want to know. I am also so pleased he is behind bars for 6/8years. That in itself is a major thing, it didn't really hit home until the other day that I DID THAT!!! I've had a heck of a lot of support from you guys and I am so so grateful for that! Yet I stood up in that court room, bared my heart and soul for all to see, I got a chance to tell him how he made me feel etc and although it was far from easy I DID IT! When I said about him going to prison for 6/8years Heather asked me how I felt about that and at the time I really didn't know, now though I feel amazing. He deserves everything he gets and I got one person of the streets that simply put deserves nothing better, someone who is a bad guy and that makes me proud. Proud of myself because it's been a bumpy ride so far with lots of ups and downs but the worst of that is over now. The main bits are done. I didn't think I'd be able to do it but I did.

Don't get me wrong I'm still having those ups and downs, some days/hours are worse than others, heck some minutes are terrible! I'm still not sleeping properly as I'm still having nightmares but hopefully given time and support and stuff it will become easier to deal with the bad times again.

Thank you all for all of your support through this. You are all great people with hearts of gold!

[Heather]

You most certainly DID do all of that! Glad to see you finally feeling pride in yourself around it all.

[Tigger1]

Thanks Heather,
I am feeling proud of myself, I've been to hell and back through this and I'm still standing. I'm still going and in all honesty I really didn't think at times I'd get to where I am. I didn't think I'd be able to get through any of it.
I'm focused on my evening class and am even beginning to make some headway with my writing skills.
I've been writing songs and stuff like that. I am yet to be able to do the walks in the country due to the emergency surgery but am hoping soon I'll be able to move around a little more. just focusing on what I need to do to not focus so much on him and the events and stuff as much as I can and trying to figure out my way to deal with triggers.