Arguing with parents

[Ashley555]

How do I deal with parents who are trying to rip my bf and I apart for the sole reason that they don't like him?

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, Ashely.

Can you give me some more details and history with all of this so I can get a better picture of the situation?

Like: how long have you been dating? What is it your parents say they don't like about him? How do YOU feel about your relationship and your boyfriend? What's your relationship with your parents usually like, and how do you and your parents usually deal with resolving conflict between you?

[Ashley555]

Ok so it seems like every other day they find a problem with him and have to notify me about it. We have been dating for three months now and all through my parents have been calling him very nasty things or saying stuff like I deserve better. They think he's been using me and doesn't take the relationship seriously. I really care about my bf but to come home to stuff like that just creates doubt in me. Like what if they're right? I feel like you're suppose to be trusting in a relationship and everytime my parents talk to me about it it hinders my ability to trust him. They just make big deals out of what I kinda consider to be nothing. We argue until I let them speak. I've told them before that I have to make my own choices which they only partially accept.

[Heather]

Well, let's start with the "what if they're right" part.

Setting aside them just being nasty -- after all, name-calling and such doesn't give us sound information -- when you think about what they have said, does any of it ring at all true to you? Do you ever feel used? Do you feel like this relationship isn't so great? You said you love him, but you didn't really say anything about the relationship itself and how it has been going. Is it something you find leaves you usually feeling very good, and good about yourself? Is it something that you feel makes your life and your experience of life better, or is there a lot of conflict, drama, or other problems?

With your parents: have you tried setting any limits with them? Like, for example, "I need to ask you to please stop saying nasty things. If you'd like to sit down and calmly talk together about your concerns, and say them in ways that aren't mean or don't actually give me any real information to consider, I'd be glad to do that, instead."

[Ashley555]

No I don't. Im completely happy with the relationship until they bring up stuff. I try not to be jealous or angry with him b/c I just feel like it's not worth it. If I have a problem with him I'll bring it up. But for them to constantly find stuff wrong with him I just can't handle it. It's overwhelming. I get they're trying to protect me but I need to make my own choices. There's usually only drama when they bring it up.

[Heather]

Okay, so how about you try bringing it up yourself?

In other words, why don't you initiate a talk about this. Ask them if they can make some time and sit down with you, with the aim of you being able to tell them your feelings and your "side," ideally without interrupting, then you'll give them that same kind of turn, then you all can talk about what you've each listened to together?