Worried about being Isolated

[Atonement]

I just kind of wanted to talk to someone about this now, and I don’t have therapy until Wednesday.

I have been working a LOT this month, had a family crisis that involved me housing relatives from out of town unexpectedly, ect.

I also went a REALLY long time without having 2 days off in a row, so all my days off this month have either been about handling things, running errands, or recovering from the previous workday.

This weekend, however, I got an unexpected 4 day weekend with no obligations, which was a huge relief.

However, when I tried to contact my friends, no one is free at all. And I got to thinking, the last time I spent time with a friend was May 22nd, almost a month ago.

I’ve already made a decision to stop working so much, one that I know my employer will be fine with (While they allow us to have overtime, they prefer that we don’t).

I really feel like ever since I’ve graduated, I’ve really kind of started to become isolated.

In some ways, I feel like I’m doing better. I’ve been seeing my therapist regularly, I’ve stopped binge eating, I’ve started exercising regularly, and while I haven’t lost any weight, I haven’t gained any either, and I’m somewhat more at peace in my body than I was before, but I have a ways to go. Honestly, I don’t know if I’ll ever fully get there.

I’m pretty scared about the isolation though. The only person I speak to (not including text or at work) with any regularity is my mother, and I really only see her a couple times a month.

All I’ve been doing on my days off is exercising, cooking/cleaning and shopping while almost constantly listening to audiobooks. I really enjoy doing those things, but I feel like I’m really withdrawing from others, and that scares me.

The thing is, all my friends are so busy, or I’m so busy. And the introvert in me HATES putting effort into meeting new people. The only place where I ever formed relationships easily was nursing school, and now that’s all over and everyone’s gone their separate ways. We try to spend time together, but what used to be scheduled weekly get together has turned into "omg why haven't we seen each other in 3 months"

I’ve also been thinking about relationships more. The thing is, I do want a little more human interaction, and I do sometimes miss intimacy, so that would be a logical goal for a normal person. But that kind of thing causes me so much anxiety. Not to mention, the idea of dressing up and going to bars or setting up a tinder always involves me wishing I was back home in my pajamas with my cat.

I’ve tried to “seek out” friendships and relationships previously in my life, and that always ended up feeling very bored and out of place. They only time this ever came natural to me was in my old program, and I don’t think consciously deciding to be more social and forcing myself to do it is going to make me happy.

So, I guess long story short, I’m scared of isolating myself, but it’s SO heavily ingrained in my nature that I’m not sure how not to.

[Heather]

Can I first check in about if you are concerned about not having "enough" social interaction because you want more or because you feel like - based on external messages, not your own wants and needs - you feel like you should have more?

[Atonement]

Both, I suppose..

Mostly, I'm OK not having a ton of social interaction when I keep busy.

It's just long weekends like this (Which happen a lot when you're in my field because of the super long shifts), that I'd like to see someone on just one of the days.

I guess the problem is, socializing the way I do (only when I have time and when I want to) doesn't seem to be very conductive to maintaining friendships. And I worry that they're all going to fade away.

[Heather]

So, I'm just going to riff a bit here as a fellow introvert, with the hopes you might find something useful in my own experiences.

If I have four days off, just as an example about me, what I would probably ideally want is at least half that time, if not more, alone, to enjoy my own company and also just recharge from all that social interaction tends to take out of me. I might want maybe one social interaction in there, and probably with no more than a few friends, if that.

What I've found over the years is that my friendships and relationships that are sustained over many years are with people who either are similar to me in that regard, or who know -- either from just knowing me, or from me telling them early on in the relationship, something I will often do -- how I am and what I need and are cool with me being someone who gives them real attention and focus when I do spend time with them, but then needs a lot of time alone. So, the folks I have been involved with who are the kind of people who want friends or lovers they spend a ton of time with just know I'm not that person, and accept that I'm the person they'll see more occasionally. That certainly doesn't stop them from seeking out relationships with others they DO see more often, so it's never been a big whoop.

Of course, there are some people who bond to others by having a ton of concentrated time with them, right at the front. And since that's not always something I want, or can even give, I suspect (and looking back, I can spot some examples of this), those just aren't the folks I wind up having sustained relationships with. But that's okay: no one is going to be friends and lovers with everyone, after all.

I also find it helps to just drop people warm notes or texts now and then as a way to sustain things when I'm around or available less often. I remind people I love or otherwise want in my life that I value them. I make advance plans sometimes so that they know I want to see them, and I think that also helps hold connections together.

FYI, when you say:

socializing the way I do (only when I have time and when I want to) doesn't seem to be very conductive to maintaining friendships

...I think it's important to recognize that that is what EVERYONE does who isn't seeing people only out of a sense of obligation, which I'd personally posit isn't what makes for great relationships everyone feels great in. Too, it's not like it's only okay to be extroverted: it's also okay to be introverted, or some blend of both. The fact that you (and me to) want to see some people less than others might want to doesn't mean one way with this is okay and the other isn't. Both are, because we don't all have to be exactly the same. We get to be diverse in this way just like we do in every other way.