Zero support being Bi

[Tigger1]

So I'm not sure where to start and I apologise if I offend anyone by posting this! But if I don't get this out somewhere it's going to drive me mad and I've got nowhere else to go with this stuff.

I grew up in a weird situation, dad was an alcoholic and my mother turned to religion to solve her problems. My childhood was not a nice one generally I suppose and I was brought up in a situation where my mums main focus was her religion which she then beat into us, I was told to abide by the religion and because it was just easier I did, I lived with this religion thing over my head until quiet recently drummed into me and I believed every word of it, then as I got older I realised that the whole religion thing really wasn't for me but still living at home at the time had to go along with it and abide by the strict rules it had within our family.

But this being said, I took the brave step to tell my mum I was bi. She went mental at me and kicked me out (hence in my other post I said I was living in a hotel) she told me that God wouldn't allow that, it was a disgrace to her and the community and yes lots of other hurtful things.

So with everything else I've had going on, it was just something I had put to the back of my mind, not the being bi but my mum's rant, being kicked out and finding somewhere else to live etc. I've had other things on my mind.

But and I'm so so sorry;

After the news hit the UK of the shooting in Orlando, my mum phoned me, I haven't spoken to her in ages because she has basically disowned me because of my sexual orientation. She phoned me and she said 'I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry, I'm sorry for making you wrong, I'm sorry God let you down, I don't understand where I went so wrong with you, your nothing like the others, they are all so normal'

Yep so I am different to my bother and my sisters and now she thinks she made me wrong because I am bi.

I didn't know what to say to her, I am not wrong. Not one of us is wrong and I've been keeping this to myself because I didn't want other people in my 'in person' world feeling the same way somehow.
I hung a pride flag from my window, the local community support worker (from the local police station) stopped me on my way back front the shop yesterday to gently inform me that the had received a complaint about the flag because it's offensive. Someone has actually complained about my pride flag! What is the matter with people??? Why is there so much hate out there?
and generally a load of other relatives of mine and religious community folk have been in contact with me about me being Bi and I do t know what to say to people. I am just me and just because I grew up in a religious environment shouldn't change that. I told my friend about it and she said 'really, I wouldn't have guessed' I was like 'erm. Ok, just wanted to be honest with you though'

I don't know why people have such an issue with this stuff and it makes me so so angry.

I've spent the last couple days with elderly queer folk. One guy said to me 'don't be afraid of who you are, where you've come from or where your headed, it's everyone else's issue, not yours. Just be you. That's all anyone can ask' which made me cry. I'm attending a pride event with him next weekend, his family told him where to go when he told them he was gay, he's 92 years old.

My heart is just heavy.

[Ashleah]

Hi Tigger,

I hate that this has been your experience. I struggle myself with understanding how people can have so much hatred towards other, especially coming from parents, often time the people we expect to love and care for us the most. I am glad to hear that you know that you are not wrong! She is. And I want to add that her feelings are really about her, although she has tried to make this about you.

But it looks like you have been starting to reach out and build a find a community that you are comfortable with! As you know, you have a community here as well! One that you can provide great support. You post this in the "Ask Us" section, but if it feels alright to you, I would encourage you to continue to post in the other sections so that you can take advantage of the support of the members, many of whom are going through or who have gone through similar feelings.

[Tigger1]

Hi,
Yes, I know I'm not wrong for being me, it's taken me a heck of a long time to figure that one out though, I'm also fully aware that my mothers faith (and as I said mine until very recently) plays a big part in how people respond, I have had a lot of backlash in the last week from people who are in the religious community who have know me for over 20years. People who have watched me grow up, people who have been with our family through good and bad times and to be honest I don't see why this new piece of information about me changes anything, it's not like I have changed as a person, I've just got more confidence in myself and my abilities and recently I've realised that I'm not that bad as a person. So if I can after so long get a grip on who I am and not be afraid of that, then why can't others, why can't people see that I am just becoming the person I want to be rather than keeping myself in so I didn't offend anyone and I played the 'ideal' child/teen.instead I've been getting comments such as 'you don't look like one' 'is that why you have so many tattoos and have a weird hair colour' 'it's a phase' 'Prehaps you just need to reconnect to god so he can put you back on the right path' 'i can't support this thing of yours' etc etc etc etc and that totally sucks.
I am trying to reach out to others and i have the added bonus (for want of a better phrase!) that the clients I'm currently working with are from the LGBTQA community and that's given me a base to start with. A base here so I can feel more confident telling people about who I am. The guy I spoke to wasn't 'allowed' to attend the event next weekend as he is old and frail and his care team didn't think he would cope on his own so I offered to take him along, I volunteered to be with him and support him. Which also gave me an excuse to A) go and B) not back out at the last minute. None of his care team wanted to take him or support him.

After all of that; yes I'm happy for this to go into a different section, not sure if I do that or if you folks do?

[Karyn]

I'm sorry you've had so many negative and hurtful comments from the people around you: hearing those things is never easy but it can sometimes be especially difficult coming from people who are supposed to care about us. Building up your own LGBTQ community can be a big help, and it's good that you have a place to start with that (and of course, as Ashleah mentioned, the boards here are a great community as well).

As far as posting here goes, we can either move this thread for you, or you can start a new one - whichever you prefer.

[Tigger1]

Hi Karyn,

With everything else I've had going on recently I thought this would be an easier thing to begin with, I still haven't be able to tell my mum about my assault, she pretty blinded by everything anyway and tends to just stick to the religious community and its rules and regs, I thought that telling her about being Bi would be IMO easier for her to deal with and then I'd tackle the rest of it, I feel like I just want my mums support and someone close to me to just understand and to give me a hug. In all honesty. That's how I feel right now, I want a hug from someone who cares enough about me to be there.
So I told her and she just went off on one at me and kicked me out! Ehich at the time of dealing with my assault, termination, work, my dads death and then being able to feel confident enough to tell my nearest and dearest about my sexual orientation was not the reaction I thought I'd get TBH and mixed with everything else was just another thing to get me down, was just another thing I had to cope with.

Having those around me not accept this part of me really does suck, I haven't changed as a person, I'm still me and I really don't understand it, some people can just be so hurtful with their comments and there actions and I'm just not cool with that. I'm just angry with them all, which is neither right or wrong, everyone has their own opinions, I live in a teeny tiny English village and it just sucks that I feel like because of my pride flag and who I am, I'm somehow being targeted as an outcast because people take offence to things! Which is my mind at the moment, I'm thinking 'they take offense to me and who I am' that hurts, I've not lived here long and I'm yet to make friends in this little village and now I'm thinking I probably never will just because of who I am. I'm not a bad person.

Part of me is glad to be going out and finding more people like me! In my in person space but then I'm also pretty nervous, I've had so much none support so far and I'm concerned about people's reactions. Yet I'm not really sure why.
I just wish someone that I end up telling turns round and says 'ok cool, no probs' and then gets on with it!

Would you be able to move this for me please? Thanks

[Redskies]

You know, I've always thought, personally, that one function of Pride flags and symbols is to be defiant of anyone who finds them offensive.

I think some of the awkwardness you're feeling in your new village is probably about being The New Person, generally. It typically takes a while for a village newcomer to become embedded and welcomed, and in the beginning, any thing about a newcomer that's a little bit different or non-standard usually stands out and the people don't quite know what to make of it. In general, I'd suggest
- giving it some time
- making a consistent effort to get involved in the village community and village life. If there's something going on, anything at all, go to it if you possibly can; look for small ways you can contribute to your village and individual neighbours; talk to your fellow villagers whenever possible.
You might well be, and stay, "the bi one, with the funny-coloured hair"; if you show that you're invested in this small community, they'll still take you - with time - as one of their own. They'll get used to it, and then they'll be "oh, that's just Tigger".

I think I'd ask the community support officer, very genuinely, "why are you telling me this?"/"why did you tell me that?" That question makes sure that if there's something they'd like you to do, you know about it, and hopefully also makes the officer think twice about passing on information like that for no reason, when it's not your problem. I'd suggest trying not to get too bothered by that person's complaint: people often complain about new things in villages, especially what other people are doing with their properties. I know it wasn't very nice, but I'd really suggest seeing how things go: that kind of complaint can just as easily be a low-level grumble than as a signal of major homophobia. Not to downplay queerphobia, but I can just as easily imagine such a complaint about a Scotland or Wales flag flying; I'd gather some more experiences in your new village before you hang a great deal on just this one experience.

[Tigger1]

Hi Redskies,
Yer being new in these little villages comes with a lot of aggravation, as it sounds like you are fully aware!
As for the pride flag etc I am not taking it down because of someone's probably misguided judgement. It's there to stay for the time being, I'm proud of it and I'm proud of what it stands for!
I have spoken to a lady from the village today (didn't go well) I'm not trying to offend anyone but when someone walks up to you and says 'hello I'm Mrs.smith, can I ask if your really one of them' I'm going to reply with as much 'argh' as I can muster!
But saying that after an hour standing outside the shop explaining what 'one of them is' i felt a little better having educated one person around here anyway.

will try and make a start going to more things round here, show my face a bit etc. Even if I do just end up being the 'weird newby' at least I've tried, we have a summer fate thing tomorrow so I'll have a wander down there.

This next bit made me actually LOL today, I went to our local pub, it has a bunch of football flags up from different countries and I got talking to the landlord and he's agrees to stick a pride flag up for the rest of the month. One of the older guys in the pub who had, had far to much to drink said 'well then, which country is that one from, has a new country been made somewhere' well I ended up speaking to him for ages and had a real good laugh, mainly at him for being so drunk.

[Carmen]

Hi Tigger,

What a good story! Sounds like you are making a really positive and pretty eye-opening impact on your new village and its residents

[Tigger1]

I hope so, I don't want to be an outcast round here, just because of who I am and where I've come from.

I just don't get why some people have so much of an issue with this stuff.
I don't understand why my mum felt that kicking me out because of it was a good way to go or why she feels like she 'made me wrong'
Part of me needed to have her kick me out so I could start living my life for me, if she hadn't then I'd probably get to 50 and still be based at hers and remaining a non person.
But I'd still have this feeling that she's my mum and feel like some support or something from her would have been appreciated rather than just going off at me. I'm not even sure given the conversation we had that she will ever except me for me and that's horrible. I've lost my dad and now my mum and other family have turned their backs on me.

As for the community round here, I'm gonna do as suggested and intergrate with these people and hopefully I'll not stick out like a sore thumb for too long! Hopefully I'll make some allies.

[Tigger1]

Hi all,

So today I went to the village fate and yes I did stand out, for a good reason though. I might still be the bi one with the weird hair and the newby BUT I'm also the one who stood up at the last minute because the sound system went wrong and sang a ton on Disney songs to keep people entertained so the organiser could fix the music system. I haven't sung in public for what feels like forever and well after this people spoke to me!
I had someone walk up to me and introduce themselves as a fellow queer who lives in the next village and has offered to show me the hot spots in the area and will also be going to the London Pride this weekend and offered to have me tag along with them rather than going on my own. Do I go take them up on their offer? I'm not sure how this whole making friends thing works, I don't have friends outside work so this is all new to me. Would be nice to go with other people but am a little nervous. I'm nervous about attending anyway because of the sheer amount of people that will be there. The support from people is nice though!

The person I met today said to expect some backwards comments from some people around here just because it's that type of village. Perhaps I should have done more research before moving here but I liked that it was so pretty here in the countryside!
Couple of comment I heard today did really get to me. Some people really do hurt with their comments!

But I'm gonna finish on a good note tonight, I stepped out of my comfort zone today, I went out and did something I haven't done in a long time and I am proud of myself for that.

[Mo]

It's good to hear you had a positive experience in your community, and that you met someone new! Since it's still pretty early in the week, maybe you can sit on their invitation for a few days so you can think about it before making a decision. Whether you go to Pride or not, this might be someone to reach out to for some social time on a less-crowded-than-Pride scale sometime in the future.

[Tigger1]

Hi all,

Today I had a conversation with someone about the guy I met. I was explaining that he identified as a queer guy. Following this the person I was talking to said 'they shouldn't do that, it's not a nice word. They should just be gay instead' I said 'why, he isn't gay, he's queer' Thinking that, that is what he told me. He said he was a queer guy, he didn't say ' I'm a gay guy' the person I was speaking to said 'is he not happy then?' This left me slightly puzzled.

So this has got me thinking and I wondered if it was ok to ask;

For those of you who don't identify as 'straight' what do you identify as and if possible can you explain why this is so? Please....
I don't wish to offend anyone by asking this question BTW.

Thanks

[Sunshine]

Hello Tigger,

first of all, I would like to say I admire you hugely. From what you've written here, you have gone through an awful lot and yet you still come across as strong and fighting, even positive. I find your posts incredibly helpful for me personally to read. So thank you for that.

You asked about not identifying as straight - I presume specifically about people who identify as neither straight nor gay. You also mentioned non-straight people using the term "queer". Someone correct me if I am wrong, but my understanding is that "queer" is one of those words that were originally used to describe LGBT people in a negative way but were then adopted and owned by the LGBT community, which seems to possess an awesome power of transforming insults into neutral or even positive words.

I identify as pan, actually, because for me, gender isn't very important when it comes to being attracted to a person. I am for example perfectly capable of being attracted to someone without even knowing their gender for sure. As I get older, I have noticed a growing preference for female traits and characteristics, but who knows whether that will still be the case ten years later.

If someone asks me directly, I say I am bi (very few people do ask, btw.), because bi is a term almost everyone knows. So far, in my life I have been deeply in love with exactly one woman and one man, so bi I guess describes my actual romantic life pretty accurately (my sexual experience has been limited to only one person, my current partner who is a man, but this was not my choice so much as the result of the woman I loved not being sexually interested in me. If it had been up to me... Well, it's a good thing in hindsight that it wasn't, so it's all okay. Still sometimes I childishly wish we'd hat at least one little kiss, though.)

Don't know why your question should offend anybody, btw. Ask away, as far as I am concerned. And hang in there.

[Tigger1]

Hey Sunshine!

Thanks for getting in touch! I'm glad that my posts have been helpful to you! (I'm also sorry these have been helpful to you!) thank you for your kind words.

I asked the above post because a couple of people I have spoken to now have said the word 'queer' isn't a good one Or even a nice one. I get that it used to be thought of in that way and am glad that the LGBT community have taken a positive spin on it and are now basically owning it!
I am however still slightly perplexed as to why people refer to this word in a negative way. Was generally and genuinely asking others because I am interested to find out what others think/feel.
I am comfortable with being Bi and if anyone asks that what I shall reply with. I'm proud of it.

Maybe it is just me being naive but I somehow feel that people's negativity towards the word queer might also stem from the negativity towards queers. I may be totally wrong. Yet can't shake that feeling.

thank you for being so honest in your reply, it is appreciated and same to you! Hang in there! The good the bad and the ugly! Somewhere at the end of it all has to be something worth fighting for!

[Tigger1]

Hi,
I read this, this morning;

'All of the U.K. LGBT rights outside marriage are determined by the EU equality bill'

Now we are no longer in the EU what does this mean?

Some people aren't seen as equals already, just wondering if this is going to make it worse?!

[Tigger1]

Ok, so I am super pissed right now and this will probably start off major political but please bare with me!

Sitting anywhere in this place right now when your not considered 'normal' is super sucky.
I was in our local last night minding my own and all around me people were discussing Brexit. Lord help me! As I say I was minding my own when I heard this man say 'we have to start with the foreigners, then the blacks and then' he looked right at me and said 'then we will get the gays out' I was so so so shocked by this!
I know I'm 'different' in these people's eyes and I know that I have been told before that it will take time for this little village to accept me but I really at this moment in time don't think they will. Which totally angers me. The sheet amount of abuse being flung round this country at the moment is terrible and it's hitting everyone hard. I know this is only the minority of people throwing abuse round and I know it isn't how most of the people here feel but given everything that's happening. 'Us gays' as he put it have just as much right to be here as others! PLUS IM BRITISH and have up until recently always been proud to be British so where exactly is this man planning on sending me? Where exactly does he feel I need to get out too? The village or the country? Or??? I just can't even get my head around this right now. All of it.
I was speaking to someone this morning who is scared to come out in this village because of fear. They fear what others will do and how they will make their life hell. That just sucks.
I feel like I should move again, just for an easier life but then no where right now will be easy. So then I think I need to stay here and fight for myself but part of me just wants to give up fighting there will always be people about with these views. I get that. Yet I don't get why overnight it's become OK to blatantly abuse people. I don't get why being LGBT, of whatever colour or whatever religion is somehow a reason to make someone's life a misery.

[Lenabean]

Hi Tigger,

I'm sorry you are experiencing discrimination based on your sexual orientation, and it sounds like political developments in your country are not helping! In the US, sexual orientation is often discussed in political contexts, too, and is a big part of our current political landscape. However, the language of political conversations can feel like an attack, and is indeed often used as a means or justification for discrimination. Trying to fight this discrimination through personal and/or political means can feel exhausting--in fact, any kind of activist can experience burnout and feel like it won't do any good to keep fighting!

You should do whatever feels like the best decision for you, but I wanted to send a message to you to stay strong in the face of discrimination. You are not wrong for being who you are, for expressing your identity and living your life the way you want (and perhaps need) to live. This is, in itself, a powerful political action. (Your acquaintance who identifies as a "queer guy" may also be identifying that way as part of a political act, to reclaim the word "queer" from its derogatory and discriminatory history and use it as a means of expressing the way he feels about his identity.) Continue to seek out support from friends and acquaintances who share your view of the world and who accept you for who you are. Continuing to find friends in the (however small) LGBTQ community where you live could help you! Ultimately, I find that surrounding myself with like-minded people who support me and the cause for justice helps me to deal with feeling burnt out, and helps to remind me that there are good people in the world.

In the end, the people who you mention in your last post who talked about getting "foreigners," "blacks," and "gays" "out" of the country...they will be the ones on the wrong side of history. And although it feels like, and often is, extremely difficult to continue to live in a world where one can face such hardship and bigotry, I think it is important that we continue to fight for justice, which will one day be the only thing that is considered "normal."

[Tigger1]

Hey Lenabean,
Thanks for the response!

Politically over here right now as you say, it's a difficult time and this is definitely NOT assisting anyone right now!
On a political note we have a couple things going on Twitter right now! To stamp out abuse and make people aware of what's going on! We have #safetypin which shows solidarity with minority groups as well as migrants. We also have #postrefracism both a way of allowing people to see that this stuff is happening and also for people to show support! Whoever you are and where ever your from!

I've actually been pretty good the last couple days, I met up with a couple people from the LGBTQ community near me and had an absolute hoot! I haven't laughed that much is OH SO LONG! We had had a few to drink and we decided to come up with a plan to transform all of our villagers into queer lovers and how we were going to paint the village in rainbow colours. This is never gonna happen obviously and hard to read our writing on a napkin. But was so good to be around people who get it, who get me. Who feel the way I feel and have been through experiences that are good and bad. It helps and am SO pleased to have them around and to be able to hang out with like minded people