Not sure

[Tigger1]

This morning I woke up to an email and in the subject box was the nickname he used to call me. As far as I'm aware no one else knows this nickname as it's totally random and relates to a trip we went on together for work. This has spooked me a little, I didn't read the email and just deleted it. Yet it's not even a name/word that is used by anyone else who usually contacts me.
This hasn't helped me TBH. I have had a memory of that day in my head since, of him and then it goes into the night of my assault. I've been awake since early hours of this morning anyway which is usual for me at the moment but its not a good way to start the day, being emotional and spooked out by it.

[Ashleah]

This is definitely a hard way to start the morning. It's completely understandable that something like this has put you in an emotional state. I'm so sorry. From what I have seen here, and has continuously impressed me about you, is that you have worked hard and done a great job at identifying ways to practice self care. Is there something small (or big) you can do to help "reset" the day? I know music is one of your things, maybe a song you can blast loud that you connect with?

[Tigger1]

Hi Ashleah,

Following a lot of tears this morning I blasted Pink's - just like fire. Realised my neighbour's were out so thought that would be the best time to do it, I've also attended our village fate today and generally tried to intergrate with other people. Although I was still very wary of who was around me etc I managed to get through it. I'm finding as each 'group' experience happens, that I'm dealing with them a little better. I'm still not comfortable around lots of people but that's mainly because I feel exposed and wary of people making sudden movements that I'm not expecting.

still puzzled about this morning's incident but I suppose that, that one word/nickname will just go down in my book as a trigger. I've been writing things like this down so I have a better idea as to how to deal with them as they come about and also how I can get myself out of being in such an emotional state. I don't want to go backwards in anyway if I can help it. I have been thinking hard this afternoon about this morning and it wasn't an address I recognised but have put it in memory.

[Ashleah]

Sounds like you are doing a good job listening to yourself and figuring out what you need. I hope that the day gets better.

[Tigger1]

Thanks.

Yep, just doing all I can to get through the days
Although it destabilised me for a while, I think I'm just going to put it down to one of those things and I suppose if it happens again, I'll have more of a view on what it is etc. As its a one off I've been thinking I'll just mark it down as an experience and another hurdle.

[Tigger1]

Hello Heather,

Just looking for confirmation really!
I used the book fresh system to make a reservation with you for today. I received a confirmation email for a different time/day.

Just wondered if that was meant to confirm today's time or not as haven't received an email either way about today.

Didn't want to be a no show!

Sorry if this sounds like a daft thing to ask.

[Heather]

Yes, your appointment is for today at 12 PST, as requested.

[Tigger1]

Hi,

I spoke to Heather yesterday about emails and texts that I had been receiving. Following her advise, I went to our local station today and reported these, they said they would investigate them. They also reassured me that I wasn't wasting police time. In a odd way I was grateful that this morning I got another message. I didn't just delete this one, I left it on my phone. Today's message said 'hello......you ignoring me? You know you will rise to this eventually' it's totally freaky! But it's in the hands of the police now so I can only hope that it's stops soon enough.
Doesn't stop me feeling any less freaked out but my police advocate that took my statement originally called me this afternoon just to check in with me. Even if it has nothing to do with my situation, it's still pretty freaky.
Today I am having a low day, I keep hearing him talking to me. Seeing images of him and it's all pretty crappy. I know this is a process but it sucks to feel like this again, it sucks to have these crappy days where I can't feet him out of my head.

[Tigger1]

Get him out of my head rather than feet!

[Mo]

It's definitely good to make a report of any communication like that to the police, so I'm glad you did and that they took it seriously.

[Tigger1]

They said they would investigate it, the police women said she would contact me as soon as they have more info so that's all I can really hope for right now.
I have rape crisis therapy later this week so will give me a chance to off load what's going on in my head at the moment.

[Sam W]

Hi Tigger,

Did you ask if it was the same detective who handled the case initially who'd be following up?). It is extremely uncommon for someone who's in prison to be able to get a hold of the person they assaulted, so this is something they'll want to look in to. Too, the counselor at the rape crisis center should also be able to help you if you need to keep communicating with law enforcement

[Tigger1]

Hi,
No I didn't ask if it was the same detective. To be honest that question didn't even cross my mind. It's the same police advocate person though who has been in contact with me.

I am seeing the rape crisis team tomorrow and have been writing things down to remind me to mention (just so I make sure I mention everything) and it's on my list.

[Karyn]

Glad to hear you have an appointment scheduled for tomorrow with your rape crisis counselor, and that you have a list of things to bring to them: they'll likely have some suggestions about where to go from here in addition to what the police are doing for you.

[Tigger1]

Hey,

Went to rape crisis therapy today, opened up to her a whole bunch about what's happening inside my head at the moment, she has given me the name of a different therapist to see alongside her, someone who will be able to deal with my assault stuff as well as the other things happening in my life (past and present)
She is going to help with dealing with the police and things like that too which is a load off my shoulders in some ways because dealing with this on my own wouldn't be the best way to go.

Feel like I can tell this therapist (Rape crisis) everything about how I'm feeling and thinking etc Even Managed to dig deeper today.

feeling emotionally drained tonight, feel like although digging deeper into how my assault is effecting me is a good thing it also stirs up things I'd rather not feel. Which I guess is where self care comes in.

[Sam W]

Hi Tigger

It's great that your therapist at the rape crisis center is being so supportive, and that they've found you some other therapists who you can work with as you move through this. And you're right, this is a good time for self-care.

With the police, have they informed you what steps they're taking?

[Tigger1]

Hi Sam,
Yes. She is lovely and agrees that I need more time to sort things out in my head, the bad days are coming back more than the good days at the moment and although I am basically living my life app by app and trying hard with self care. I need to dig deeper into how I'm feeling etc. Rather than just trying to bat it away and go into a sort of self destruct mode. I struggle a lot with flashbacks and things and they tend to derail me. Although I feel nothing for him anymore consciously, sub consciously I seem to be trying to fight a battle I don't know I'm trying to fight, if that makes sense.

The police currently have him on suicide watch, I'm not sure why-as he has up until now not appeared to have any remorse or any emotion over what he did, other than a weird sense of joy and in his letter he told me about how he wanted to do it again in great detail.
So as for the next steps, he is being kept a close eye on, they have also searched his room but come up with nothing so far but will keep me updated.

[Tigger1]

Hi,

Am out for the night with a bunch of people and I've been drinking and I've been chatting to this guy. Things are going ok, no in fact they are going really well. How do I tell him, in a polite way that I just can't go home with him?
It's been offered but I'm just out to enjoy myself not to go randomly sleeping around. I am not ready for that yet. So not ready, I just want to let loose and have some fun in a sensible way.

[Heather]

There's nothing impolite about not wanting to go home with someone and just telling them that, just like that.

When he asks, you say, "No thanks, but it was sure nice chatting with you." And if you want it, you can add, "Can I have your number? Maybe we could go out another time."

[Tigger1]

Thank you for the reply!

It's been a really lovely evening and I don't want to spoil things! Am happy just having a laugh with him, I don't want to have to ruin things by explaining about my assault. Tonight isn't about that. Tonight is just about getting myself back out into the world and meeting people and having fun and trying to forget just for 5mins what I've been through etc. Tonight is about me letting my hair down sensibly.

Thank you for the reply! I will take the advise! It's appreciated.

[Heather]

No one ever has to explain *why* they don't want to go home with someone in this kind of casual situation. If "No thanks," isn't enough or isn't okay, then you can know going home with them would have been a bad idea.

Because if someone can't handle a simple and easy no-thanks to something this chill without interrogation or needing some whole rationale, they would probably have behaved similarly with anything one would do with them if they did go home with them.

[Tigger1]

Hey,

I've just got home. It's like midnight here and yes I've had a couple to drink but am still aware of myself! I decided to ditch the pub. Had a crappy situation where I did indeed have to explain my rational including being asked why I was acting as though I wasn't a women with boobs and a vagina and an adult and was acting like a person who didn't have any intention of living life. I was told life is for living and we should sleep under the stars with each other and travel home in the morning. I calmly explained that I needed to go home tonight for various reasons. And he just kept on and on and on so I made myself as safe as I could by climbing into a taxi and heading home. I feel shaky and emotional and not in a good place right now. Giving this guy my number BEFORE all this happened was not a good idea as he has been texting me non stop since I left. Which was only 20 mins ago. There was kidding I wanted there WA dither stuff I wanted, then when I said I was the wrong side of tipsy, he just kept pushing us to spend the night together, or just cuddle or whatever. Even in the mixed up headspace I'm in right now, with everything else I am fully aware that given the alcohol in my system even if it was ages ago, I can't consent. I even said I didn't want to do anything because I wasn't able to give informed consent, he said 'is that a problem to you then?'
Scarleteen has made me able to realise when I can fully consent to something I WANT and something I don't and mixing alcohol into that is SO a do not want and can not commit!
I wasn't ready for this, I am not ready for this. I so didn't want this. I just wanted to have fun, to let loose and just chill out with a few friends and get out and do some stuff. It's made me feel really nervous again.feeling like I need to explain myself and feeling like I'm not in control here.

I'm sorry. I just feel all a fluster right now and and I am probably just gonna get some sleep if I can and hopefully tomorrow will bring a new light to all of this!

[Tigger1]

I took the advise, told him I was happy to do go out and have fun with the group or even just the two of us as friends but wasn't looking for a hook up right now, nor anytime in the near future.
He keeps on, wants me to send pics and videos etc etc. Wants to get together, wants to show me everything he feels I'm missing out on.
This has put me in a really strange head space.
Guess this is just one for the NO pile!
Am I just gonna keep getting it wrong? Is my sense going to be off for a long time or just at the beginning of all this? At first we were having a nice evening yesterday, talking about normal things likes/dislikes etc and then it turned into hooking up.
Im guessing this is just a normal way things progress though?!
I don't want to put myself in a situation I can't handle and I think this is one of those situations.
Is this because I'm still in the beginning of healing and trying to deal with all of this stuff? As well as find my feet again in the world?

It's making me feel pressured. Its making me feel similarly to the beginning of the stuff with telling the guy that assaulted me that I wasn't ready. It's bringing that all to the front of my mind and it's triggering those emotions. Will this always be the case?

[Heather]

If you have not already blocked his number, I would say that it is past time to do that (he gave you clear reason to do that last night, already).

If you're still letting him call you, you're not sending a clear message that none of this is okay and he needs to stop. What *you* can do with something like this is shut all the doors and windows so he doesn't get an opportunity to do this to you, and you're sending a clear message that you don't want him to contact you. And when you do that, this all ends and doesn't have to be a thing that is happening anymore. It'll be done (and it shouldn't be anything close to a big deal to just cut off without much thought: my impression is this was a one-off meeting at a bar).

I'm heading out for the day, but if someone else doesn't pick the rest of this up, I can when I'm back Sunday.

And no, it doesn't always have to be like this, and yes, there are some things you can do to prevent them, and we can talk more about what those things are, but having to deal with asshats at least sometimes in life is, alas, part of life for everyone.

[Tigger1]

Hi Heather,
Thanks for the reply.
Yes, It was just a one off thing at a bar.
I didn't cut communications last night and yes your right, I should have done, not sure why I didn't really. I've done so now.

It's the way it's all made me feel that is the worst part I think, which sounds strange given it was just a one off thing in a bar but the fact I once again feel like my NO doesn't stand, that even after saying no he pushed back. Made me feel pressured. Made me feel the way I did before. It sucks.

If you could please talk more about the things I can do to prevent this stuff that would be appreciated.
I don't want to stop going out because of asshats but I don't want to have these emotions triggered as much as they are today either.