How do you fight guilt and accept that everything is alright?

[xiaociao]

For the past 2 months I've been really anxious and freaked out over an incident that happened on April. I had him insert in me for like 30 seconds on one of the fertile days (didn't even have sex on other days) and I was freaking out cause I realized around 2-3 days before my period on "what if I was pg?" But my period came in a day early before my actual period day so I know for sure that I wasn't pg. But because I live in a religious family of course sex is a big no no till marriage. I felt guilty on what my bf and I did and I don't know how to shrug it off.. And even if I'm not pg I'm still thinking about those "what ifs" like period could be decidual bleeding and God wanted to punish me. I know that God is merciful and He is love but I can't shake the feeling that I deserved it as a form of punishment..And like I've been getting pg related symptoms which is putting me on edge for these past few months and I'm convincing myself its from stress and anxiety that gives me these symptoms. (which I know its true)

How can you learn to let go of guilt and move on with life?

[Sam W]

Hi xiaoxciao,

I'm sorry you've been feeling guilty. My first recommendation is that you and your boyfriend dial back your sexual behavior to a place where you both feel comfortable with any risks involved. If you'd like some ideas for how to do that, we can talk about that more. The next recommendation I have is to focus less on the thing that you did that made you feel guilty, since you can't go back in time and change that, and more on how to avoid those guilty feelings in the future.

I also think it might help to shift how you think about pregnancy a little. Things like pregnancy, or STIs for that matter, are not punishments from some divine force. They're potential risks of certain types of sex, and they come about by decidedly human means. Your guilt may be telling you that you're not ready for the type of sex you're engaging in, but that doesn't mean that scary consequences are inevitable. Does that make sense?

[xiaociao]

Thank you for replying. Yeah I realized I myself wasnt ready for something like that. My bf and I decided already to wait till marriage to do that. And yes it would be helpful if you gave me some ideas.
I guess its hard to not to look back on something you know youve done i wanna know how to move forward without pushing him off my life for good. Cause sometimed when I talk or just text me I just dont feel like replying or talking back cause Im reminded of that guilt again..

[Heather]

Does it feel like a little time away from your relationship so you can just have that space to work through these feelings would help?

[xiaociao]

Well I'm not sure myself if I'll feel better if we gave space to each other. I did try to tell him that I wanna try and back off our relationship due to myself being stressed overthinking so much. Obviously he was upset with it but I did tell him I'd reply once in awhile but not all the time and he's been trying to cheer me up as well.

My last relationship I had before him was quite abusive for the guy didn't respect my choices especially space and also sex (If I didn't agree to have sex with him, we'd end up fighting so it's either I make him happy while I get more upset and stressed about pregnancy every time we did it or I make him mad and I become upset as well) When I asked for space, he was pissed off and it went even more unhealthy as he seek out other girls and I could just feel like I was losing that love for him because I didn't like the things we did (sex) and I'm scared that the feelings I'll have in my past relationship will become the same where I feel like I couldn't love him the same way before we did it. I really don't want to lose the feeling to love him after what we did because of guilt.. because the guy I'm in a relationship with is a really nice guy and I could see how he truly genuinely cares for me.

We're in a long distance relationship so really we don't get much time with each other than skype calls or texting. Tbh I really wouldn't know if getting a time off the relationship would work because again I'm scared if my feelings for him would just die down like the last one But again I just wanna know how to properly forgive myself and move away from the guilt.

(btw Hi Heather! I really love this site! It gave me great comfort especially with the preggo scares articles )

[Sam W]

Hi xiaociao,

With your current boyfriend, how much have you two talked about you desires and expectations for this relationship? Is it something that you talk about a lot, or does it only seem to arise when there's an issue?

[xiaociao]

We talked about it once and our plan was to wait for marriage because I didnt want to repeat the same mistake i did last time and he agreed to it as well. But from time to time there is always that temptation where he'd tell me that he wants to go inside me but I always tell him to wait and he could be persistent about it because even after I reminded him he would say that again on another day. But unfortunately I gave in that one day and allowed him to do what he wanted because I wanted to get it done and over with so he wouldnt ask anymore. But in the end we ended up feeling guilty on what we did and my paranoia increased as well.

We talked about it again when i was done with being paranoid (for awhile) after I got my period and we both agreed not to do it again till marriage. He agreed cause he also has that tendancy to be anxious and guilty for his actions as well. To this day after the incident we didnt and dont bring up a conversation about anything green-minded.

I hope that answers your question

[Heather]

Have you yet set a hard limit with him about him pressuring you before (that is what you've just described) and how that ABSOLUTELY has to stop and not be something he ever does again?

After all, THAT is the solution to him not asking anymore. That's not on you to try and stop -- with sex or otherwise -- because that is HIS behaviour, not yours. And he's 100% in control of that, while you have 0% control of it.

So, it stops, completely, because you make clear it has to, and he chooses to respect that and treat you with that basic respect. And if he doesn't, it stops because you choose not to stay with someone who would choose to sexually pressure you and refuse you the respect of your limits by doing so. Make sense?

[xiaociao]

I guess that I didnt clearly respected myself because I allowed it as well (maybe thats why im guilty). He doesnt want to do it again and make me feel these bad feelings which is good i guess. And yeah thats one of the reasons why I left my last because he sexually pressures me even though he knew I was traumatized with my pg scare with him.

If my current one day does it again I will definitely tell my limits and boundaries and if he doesnt listen then I gotta let go of him even though its hard but I know I needed more respect with myself than being in a relationship like that.

[Heather]

For sure, if we don't also care for ourselves, and recognize that we are deserving of basic care and respect, it winds up being easier to be disrespected. But truthfully, I hear you diverting his responsibility here by taking it for yourself.

If he doesn't pressure you in the first place, though, it doesn't really matter how you feel about yourself. And it's on any of us to treat everyone with that kind of basic respect whether or not they insist on it. Pressuring anyone to do something we want for ourselves just isn't okay, no matter how you slice it.

I'd not wait for your current boyfriend to do it again. That's not how you effectively set a limit. You know he does it, you know he needs to stop. So it's going to work a lot better if you tell him that now, not after he does it some more. You don't need for him to do it again to know it's not okay and that you need to make that clear to him: you already know that.

Do you have the ability to stand up assertively for yourself like that and bring it to the table now, not after he does it again?