Not sure

[Sam W]

Hi Tigger,

Like Heather mentioned, there's no 100% guaranteed way to keep people from being jerks/creeps. And even if you still develop a good jerk radar, sometimes one slips by.

One thing you can do is develop solid boundaries for yourself that you simply don't yield until you trust someone. You can also start working against some of the socialization that many of us have (especially if we identify as women) that says you can't be rude or make things awkward. If someone crosses a boundary or is setting off your red flag alert, it's best to be direct in telling them to stop or leave, even if that feels rude.

I think you might also find this article helpful: Be Your Own Superhero: Learning How and When to Stand Up for Ourselves

[Tigger1]

Hi Sam,

Thanks I'll give it a read! Today I am continue to struggle with the emotion this has triggered. The total lack of understanding why it kept being pushed, even after I had said I wasn't ready. I know my red flag went off that night, I did put myself physically safe and just went home. That was my only way of thinking that if I took myself out of that situation physically then nothing could have happened and would have happened because I wouldn't have been there. That at the time felt right for me and still does. I'm kinda proud of myself for being able to think that straight in that situation.
I have blocked his number, did so yesterday.
I was suppose to go out today but in all honesty have decided not too. My head just isn't in it today and I know my radar would be totally off and I know I need I feel safe today and be in my own environment. Its not nice to feel that I was out enjoying myself and it turned into a asshat making me feel rubbish. Aware this is only one situation and also aware that in time I'll be able to deal with my emotions better and probably be able to bat it off better but right now I can't.

[Heather]

Well, talking about this situation specifically, it looks to me like it's a few things:
1) This person is clearly a jerk, just period.
2) It sounds like you let this person pretty far in -- like giving them your phone number -- before you had any time at all, really, to figure out if they were someone you SHOULD give your phone number to.
3) Once this person started showing you the jerk they were, you didn't immediately shut all the doors, like getting the heck away from them, blocking their number immediately, and not engaging with them at all, any further, nor giving them any way to engage with you.

So, moving forward, some practical things I can think of that you can do (not everything is within anyone's control with this stuff, but these are things that are) to prevent this kind of situation, or at least make dealing with someone's jerkiness much more momentary:
1) If you're going out drinking, go with a friend, not alone.
2) Don't get in deep, at all (like giving out a phone number) to someone you have only met WHILE you are drinking. It's pretty common for drink or drugs to make people's judgment not-so-awesome, so you can more easily miss signs that someone isn't so great and be more likely to do things like give out personal information and access to you to someone you don't know.
3) Like sam said, don't meet people trusting them blindly from the front. Take time to build trust and only give people increased access to you as there is also increased trust.

So, for example, you meet someone at a pub, only talk to them there that night and don't share a ton of personal information (and again, be aware that if you're drinking around people you don't know is just a thing that impairs judgment and decreases anyone's personal safety). If you liked them, just do a "see you around." Then maybe you see them again, you talk again, sharing perhaps only a TINY bit more. If you felt good about that, maybe you ask them if they want to meet for coffee sometime. If they do, and THAT goes well, maybe you give them your number then. If they abuse it at all, you block immediately.

This is about gradual, baby steps, in other words, especially since you already know you are in a super-vulnerable place, so it just isn't supportive of your well-being and what you need to be opening yourself up to new people in big ways right now, because even just someone being pretty much a standard-issue asshat is something that, as you've experienced, is too triggering for you.

Here's the thing: people who are jerks tend to have a pretty good radar for people who aren't protecting themselves and are, thus, more vulnerable than others. Chances are, for instance, you might not have been the first person this guy tried to pursue that night, you were just the first to be so open and not shut him down the very second he was giving signals of being a jerk, or just not offering something you wanted. Chances are, no one else gave him their phone number. These are things that tell someone it is okay to try and pursue what they want with you, rather than other things that tell someone it's not and that you're not interested.

It might help to think of yourself like a house: you're not just going to let anyone in, or leave all your doors unlocked and windows open. You're going to do things that protect your house and anyone or anything inside of it, only giving more access once you're awfully sure you want someone in there and that they won't trash the place.

[Heather]

Just as something additional, I'm seeing a little bit of a pattern here that suggests, for whatever reason, that drinking and you aren't the best mix right now. It seems like when you're drinking, your radar for your own safety and for the trustworthiness of others is easily busted, and you let your guard down with people awfully fast.

So, my best advice would be that, for the time being, you ditch the hooch. When you're out and about, I think sticking to tea or soda or water (whatever, just not booze) would be a much better bet for you.

[Tigger1]

Hey Heather,
I get the house thing and it totally makes sense.
My radar is completely off at the moment for things, I didn't see the issue with drinking or going out or whatever at the time, I thought that getting out and doing stuff was the way to go. Obviously I was totally wrong on that front because as you say and I have said one asshat has made me feel the way I do. Which isn't good.
I also understand that I put myself in that position, for whatever reason, I let it go further than I should of done for my own self at the moment. I lacked judgement again.
Think I'll take the advise to lay off the booze. It's not helping with my healing process or my self awareness/boundaries. (I wrote down how I felt before I went out and after to take to therapy with me next week)
Think for the time being I am just going to stay away from bars generally, they are obviously not something I am able to handle right now. Which I suppose is one thing, I've realised bars are triggers at the moment so I can just avoid them.

Just read the piece above that Sam suggested; I am still getting used to the setting boundaries part of life but what I've read into this in my situation and what you folks have written is;
Some people are asshats but I set a boundary originally that said I didn't want a hookup, then I let my own boundary down (giving him my number) then inforced it again (saying no again) leaving both Him And me in a difficult situation where he wasn't sure what I wanted and I was expecting him to realise what I was on about and because there was drink involved my guard was lowered majorly anyway so didn't really realise what I was doing, if I was sober I might have been able to see the red flag easier and it might not have triggered this emotional state. Have I made sense of that properly?

[Heather]

Well, I'm not sure anything was exactly difficult for this guy, so I wouldn't give him that, personally. For well-adjusted people, someone saying they just met saying they're not interested in a hookup isn't a big deal. Sure, it can be a bummer, but that really is about it.

I don't see any reason to keep focused on this one-off here, I think the better focus is on what you can do in the future to protect yourself a bit better and avoid these kind of interactions a bit better, but also to figure out what you really can and can't handle right now and stick to living your life in ways that align with that. When we're just coming out of having been traumatized, we do have to be careful when it comes to who we interact with, and it's generally best to keep interactions with brand new people to the kind of interactions that -- to the degree this is within our control -- don't leave us more open than we're up for.

But again, I think a lot of this, for now, is probably pretty easily solved by just doing things like not hanging out in bars by yourself, and without at least someone who knows to have your back based on what you've been through, and not giving your number out to dudes you just met, and at a bar, no less. That's just the kind of interaction I'd say is the stuff of when someone is feeling very resilient and very savvy about protecting themselves, rather than when learning self-care and self-protection is brand new and when you're not at all resilient.

I do think it's also worth recognizing that as someone almost 30 who only just left home, you may well encounter people who expect you to kind of be at a level of social interaction and expertise you're just not compared to a lot of others around your same age. That's something I think is wise for you to keep in mind and honor, rather than trying to kind of jump in and try to catch up faster than is likely possible.

[Tigger1]

I kinda understand all that.
I don't know why I'm continuing to focus on this one-off, I can't seem to shift my focus away from it though. I can't seem to figure out what I need to do to self care my way outta this either.
I get the whole nearly 30 thing, it's not something I'm proud of, being so naive to the outside world of social interactions. As you know I've had the same job since I was 17 and my world evolved around that, I only went out with those people and then spent weekends with family.
Having now lost my job and my family, I suppose I am trying to put myself back together in all sorts of ways and also try to meet different people, being at home on my own following my assault is my go to place to be where I feel most comfortable and safe but I also know that isn't going to help me in the long run and at times it holds more thinking space for my mind to wander into things that I just can't handle. So I thought getting out into the world and a) drinking for whatever reason and b) meeting people was the way to go. Now I know neither of those things helps right now and are massive no no's when it comes to dealing and healing with my assault.
I am continuing to go to the night classes and they are ok, I just find my low self confidence (which is getting better but still not amazing) gets in the way there which doesn't help with feeling empowered or whatever.

[Heather]

What our pace is in any part of life really isn't something to be proud of or ashamed of: it just is what it is, and all of our circumstances are so different that making any one kind of pacing a point of pride, and another a point of shame, not only isn't beneficial to anyone, it's also just plain wrong. It also isn't something that we can really present in a linear way: it's more a constellation than a line.

Same goes with where anyone is at when it comes to healing from any kind of trauma. It's certainly understandable to want to try and push through steps of healing to get to, or back to, the kind of life that we want, but a) it rarely works well that way, and b) we miss all of what we can get from the steps and places on a slower journey that will make any steps or places further down the road likely to be good for us and what we want in the first place.

But something to know about drink or recreational drugs when recovering from trauma is that it is generally advised to at least limit them, if not get rid of them for a while altogether. It's everyone's choice to make, but it is just so easy for people to wind up with substance abuse problems to deal with on top of everything else, and more often tends to hold people back from processing trauma and healing (especially from learning healthy self-care) as well as often putting people in situations or states of mind where being retraumatized, or winding up with new trauma to deal with, is mighty likely.

[Tigger1]

That makes sense.

I was/am trying to push through this quicker, mainly because I'm fed up of feeling all the things I feel and I feel like I do need to get back to or move on to whatever I'm suppose to be doing. To be honest I didn't think it was an issue to go out and drink, in fact I thought it seemed like a really good idea.

I'm not dealing with my triggers well and have such a whacked out sense of self care and self awareness that it makes them worse in ways so I thought I'd try and confront one of my triggers head on. As in being in a bar, drinking, (in my head this led to the assault) so I decided that if I could go to a bar and drink and feel ok then Prehaps it would t be so much of an issue. Turns out it is for me and I got it wrong.

Turns out I'm too triggery at the moment to deal with that and asshats in bars just aren't something I am capable of dealing with right now.
Trying to figure out what is and isn't good for me at the moment and what I can and can't deal with are I suppose just a step in this. One that I wish I could just bi-pass and land back to how I was before or where I'm headed.
This is something I will write down to take to therapy with me.

[Tigger1]

Hello,

Is it possible for someone to explain (possibly again!) how I can change the self care thing around. As in;

Today I have been writing songs and listening to music and they have mainly been a variety of songs happy upbeat but then everything turned into anger. I do feel a lot of anger at the moment in relation to various things, yet I've spent too long being angry now and I need to re focus onto something positive.
I've tried changing activity into more practical stuff like cleaning but it hasn't really helped.
Is it possible to have some further tips on how to re focus myself into not being angry(or whatever feeling generally I feel that I can't shift out of) please.

Thanks

[Heather]

We can talk about this, but this really should be the crux of what you're doing with your rape crisis counselor and your therapist at this point, IMO.

So, can you first fill me in on what work you have been doing with them about this, including how they're working with you right now (as in, what are the specific strategies) when it comes to managing triggers? What have both of them said about how to take care of yourself when you are experiencing anger?

Just for the record, though, self-care isn't really about trying to change your feelings. When we feel angry about something, the goal to really process and work through that isn't going to be to avoid it or to try and feel something else, but to experience and express those feelings in healthy ways. When feelings don't get expressed, they don't usually just go away. And when we try and squash or stamp out difficult feelings, it only tends to set us back, not move us forward.

[Tigger1]

Apologies Heather,

Happily take this back to my therapists. Perhaps again I am not giving them a chance.
And think that reading into your questions I may have answered my own question.
Have been working on various things;

Breathing; taking time to inhale and focus on the breath entering and leaving my body. Focusing on how it actually feels. (Helps with feeling Less numb) and has also at times helped me feel less angry. Taking the focus away from my mind and into my body.

Shifting focus; taking the focus off of what made me angry and shifting it onto something relaxing or pretty (I like nature, looking at a tree and focusing on the leaves moving and the sounds it makes when it moves) I've also found useful at times.

Writing; write down where I was, what I was doing, who I was with and what I felt. As a way of recognising my triggers. Then taking that to the sessions to talk it over. Also gives me a chance to re evaluate the situation from a 'not in it' thing to see how I can deal with it differently next time.

Orientate myself into the present. Reminding myself that I'm safe.

As for when I'm angry. All of the above and also doing things like cooking. Which as I said above I think I may have answers my own question. Making food using new ingredients is a good way to go when I'm angry, seeing what I can make and also making sure I eat at the same time. If it doesn't go to plan, I'm still happy at the end of it that I tried and know for next time.

[Mo]

Are those some specific strategies you've gotten from your counseling team? Are there others they've suggested that you haven't tried yet? Learning to recognize and manage triggers, and basic self-care strategies, are going to be a big part of the foundation of trauma recovery; this is (or certainly should be!) their strong point.

When you've been talking with your counseling team, how are they framing the recovery process? I ask this because it sounds like you're feeling really impatient to be done with recovery, and it's an unfortunate fact that it's a process that does take a lot of time and I'd hope they would have talked about this with you. It certainly isn't fair and your impatience is understandable - I'm not trying to diminish it - but recovery isn't a matter of days or weeks, and it also doesn't generally travel in a straight line. The process can involve setbacks and a lot of frustration, but I think it's important to understand that and try to accept it; pushing yourself to recover faster can stand in the way of real healing. So I think talking about the time and shape of recovery with your counselors will be super helpful too. Again, that's a core recovery concept they should be well-equipped to discuss with you.

[Heather]

I'd cosign all of what Mo just said here, and add on that surviving trauma, and healing from it, is a LIFELONG process. And it's one where sometimes to really feel like we've seriously moved forward in big ways takes years, rather than days, weeks or months.

[Tigger1]

Hi,

Yes they have said that me trying to push through this isn't theway to go. They said that it wouldn't be helpful to me as a person now or in my future and I'm more likely to have issues in the future if I don't deal with it, in healthy ways.
They are also aware that I have in the past not dealt with things happening in my life and have kept emotions inside. So they are trying to allow me to push through with the feelings side of this, instead of me just bottling them up which is usually my go to thing.
I have good days and bad days and I understand that that will happen for a long time yet, if I think about it logically. This isn't something that's going to change overnight.
I am feeling impatient mainly because I haven't ever really been able to deal with the feelings I have. This is something I am working on.
I am unsure what you mean by how are they framing it for me. Sorry. They have said that set backs will be highly likely because I've only just stared out. One of them said I shouldn't fear setbacks or feel like I've failed because of them because it's not a case of failing, it's a case of knowing what is and isn't good for me and also figuring out how to work through them. (This is part of my push through and be done. Self esteem issues with feeling like I've failed)
I have a daily routine thing as well, it's like a list of things I need to do daily. Including getting up out of bed, getting dressed etc seriously basic self care stuff. I have it on an app but have now made it into paper form. It's in a couple places in my house so I can refer to it.
Have a chart thing to help recognise triggers.

I have both therapies in the next couple days, I think I'm gonna ask for the extra sessions. I feel as though that would be beneficial to me at the moment. the newer therapist did mention it last time I saw them but I didn't take them up on it. Think this goes back to what Heather was saying to me before about committing to therapy.
Not really helping myself or my process by turning away from it.

Also think putting myself on an Internet/technology ban might be a helpful thing for me right now.
Thanks and sorry for posting again.

[Sam W]

Hi Tigger,

I think what Heather was getting at with framing is how your counselor(s) are suggesting you conceptualize the healing process and some of the other things you're dealing with. For instance, it sounds like one of them is suggesting a frame of "learning process" rather than "failure."

A tech ban may indeed be a good idea, especially if it will help you focus more on some of the processes your counselors are having you work on (as well as giving you more time for other life stuff).