Boyfriend and best friend are going to be meeting

[Volleygirl22]

This has been a long time coming, since schedules with work and school haven't really been syncing up for any of us. My best friend is a guy and he has always been very protective of me. (He's more like an older brother to me, than anything else). When my boyfriend and I started dating, my friend seemed very happy about it. Until recently, when I mentioned to him that we've been having sex. His attitude kind of changed there, and he's very insistent on wanting to meet him. Like now. I'm introducing the two of them tonight after my friend gets out of his class. I'm a little nervous about it because I'm getting the feeling my best friend isn't really liking my boyfriend too much at the moment. I want them to get along, because they're both important to me...but to be honest, I don't know how it's going to go. Another friend of mine said I should probably think about why my best friend is upset about it, and she suggested the possibility that he may have feelings for me. I'm not entirely sure about that though. Anyway, what can I do to make the evening go as smoothly as possible?

[Carmen]

Hi Volleygirl22,

Being in situations in which we need to combine two very separate parts in our life can sometimes be really tricky. I think one important thing to remember is that it is completely your decision whether you want these two parts of your life to combine - you can keep them separate if you want to, or if you want your friend and boyfriend to have the chance to really get to know each other, to try to be friends, or to just meet once - it is all up to you!
It could be really awesome that your best friend wants to meet your boyfriend but the fact that this interest arose right after you mentioned having sex with him does seem like a potential flag - as in, he should want to have a relationship with your boyfriend or not want to regardless of what sorts of sexual activities you are or are not doing.
What do you think your ideal out-comings of tonight would be? And then we can go from there

[Volleygirl22]

Ideally, I would like them to get along. I don't have any older brothers, so my best friend tends to be VERY protective of me (which, I do like. He's gotten me through quite a bit). In a perfect world, they'd meet tonight, get along, and we'd all be good. Right now though, I have a feeling he doesn't really like him. I do trust him in that he won't be mean or anything when meeting him, (since he isn't that kind of person). I've been wanting them to meet from the beginning, but schedules just haven't been working out right. I just don't want either one of them to be uncomfortable.

[Carmen]

Why do you think he doesn't really like him?
And I also want to add, that while it of course makes sense you wouldn't want either of them to be uncomfortable - that is something that is out of your control - and often can happen to people meeting for the first time regardless of circumstance.

[Volleygirl22]

I think somewhere in the back of his head, it's because he's kind of holding something I said against me. Which, being totally honest, I understand. I'll admit I was a little hypocritical. The first time my best friend had sex, I kind of told him that it was a mistake and that he should've waited until he got married. (He recently told me I was right about that, when his girlfriend broke up with him). I'm sure his problem is that I did something I basically lectured him for, and I'll admit my fault there. Ever since I told him that I did it, he has seemed pretty hurt. I can see that when I look at him:(

[Carmen]

Do you think that's something that you would want to talk to him about? Sounds like this may be more between you and your best friend than something having to do with your boyfriend specifically.

[Volleygirl22]

I would like to talk to him about it, yes. He's never done anything to hurt my feelings, and I feel like I hurt his. And I never really planned on having sex at the times it's happened, it's just that it ended up happening. Heat of the moment. Like I said, I would like to talk to him about it. I just don't even know where to start...

[Carmen]

Do you think you would want to talk to him about it tonight before the meet-up, or maybe after? Or even post pone the meet-up until you are feeling more ready?
This sounds like an important conversation for you to have and to have the chance to express that you both support each other in what ever actions you take with sexual partners. I want to stress that you do not need to defend the fact that you had intercourse (and neither does he). Sometimes it happens unexpectedly and not like we had planned - and that's okay!

[Volleygirl22]

My boyfriend and I are actually leaving soon to meet him. Going out for a light dinner. If I were worried that my he was going to be mean or something, I definitely would've postponed. I trust that they'll both be decent to each other. I'd like to talk to him about it after. I have a feeling it might be easier then.

[Carmen]

I'm glad you are feeling good about it and that sounds like a good plan Hope it goes well and feel free to keep this thread going if you want to talk through how it goes.

[Volleygirl22]

Thanks! I do have one last question for now. Is there a right or wrong way to bring it up? I just don't really know what to say

[Volleygirl22]

The two of them meeting went okay. I just finished talking to my best friend. It took a turn I wasn't really expecting. I don't know what to do now

[Karyn]

I'm sorry it didn't go the way you were expecting - is there anything we can do to help?

[Volleygirl22]

He told me he has feelings for me...

[Sam W]

That does sound like an unexpected turn. How are you feeling about it?

[Volleygirl22]

I don't even know, to be honest I really feel bad about hurting him now that I know where he's coming from. He said he'd keep his distance because he doesn't want to cause problems. But I don't want him to drift away from me. He's my best friend and I don't know what I'd do without him. :'(

[Sam W]

Did you two talk at all about ways that he could respect your boundaries (and his own) while still maintaining some closeness?

Too, it may be that he has to pull away for awhile. When you have unreciprocated feelings for someone, it's often a wise decision to pull back from them for a bit while you figure out how to have a platonic relationship with them without making yourself or them unhappy. So, he may need some time to do that. A lot of this is going to depend on what he needs to do for himself to make sure that if he continues to be friends with you, he does so in a way that is genuine, rather than as someone who is lying in wait for you to become "available."

[Volleygirl22]

I talked to him about it. Told him I don't want him to distance himself, but that if he has to, I understand. He says he won't let this get in the way of us staying friends, and actually suggested we run to Starbucks (like we always do) and maybe start up a volleyball game at the park with some of our friends before it gets insanely hot today. He insists that he's going to be okay with this

[Sam W]

Glad you two were able to talk about it and are going to try and keep your friendship going. What you can do for now is keep communicating and hanging out to see how it goes, and check in with each other if something begins feeling "off" about your interactions.