Hormones and feelings

[JB]

Hello!

I know I posted here 8 or 9 months ago about gender identity. There have been some significant, notably positive developments! I go by they/them with confidence now, and I am part of (and co-facilitate) and a group for folks 18-30 who are trans, GNC, and/or not-cis in some capacity. This has been such an awesome resource for me, both in terms of expressing and fleshing out my gender identity and feelings about it, and for making friends.

I've also come out to my family as nonbinary. I haven't asked them to use they/them pronouns just yet, because I don't feel like I need it from them at this time. I've also been coming out to friends slowly but surely.

In addition, I had an appointment with an endocrinologist and got a prescription for T. I haven't started it yet, and at first I didn't think I wanted to. But now...I'm not so sure...so I guess that's why I'm here.

I kept thinking that I didn't want to try T because I was scared to lose my connection to femininity, specifically queer femininity and the wlw community. But...I'm currently dating a cis man, and I don't identity as a woman, so every time I would read things for the wlw community I would feel very anxious and just not...great! Because I felt like I wasn't "enough," so to speak. I felt like I was forcing a connection. So lately, I've been trying to sort of distance myself from the label of "wlw" and not put pressure on myself to fit into that community. It's been quite a relief, honestly, but also scary because I always thought that that was where I was supposed to fit.

The other reason I thought I was fine not going on T was because I figured that if those closest to me could get down with my gender identity, especially my partner, and acknowledge that I was not cis nor straight in annnyyy capacity, I would feel more comfortable in myself and less conscious about what other people think and how I'm perceived. But I still don't totally feel like that's the case. I can't wear dresses or skirts even when I want to, because I get pretty intense social (and probably some emotional) dysphoria. I feel uncomfortable. I feel too feminine and invisible.

I'm just scared either way. I know that the things that are motivating me to go on T are that a) I don't like being perceived the way that I am b) I'm not always thrilled when I look in the mirror c) I want to look more visible other/trans/queer because honestly I feel incredibly "other" internally and so it's this weird disconnect where folks think I look like a binary cis woman and I get treated as such but internally I'm way more in the middle of the spectrum. And I feel like those are all terrible reasons because they are due to external factors. I feel like wanting to "look more queer" is a crappy reason, even though my queer identity is so, so important to me. I feel like wanting to "look other" is vain, even though I'm trying to externalize how I feel on the inside.

And I'm scared that if I masculinize through T, I won't be able to dress more "femininely" - i.e. in skirts or dresses or more typically feminine cuts of clothes. I'm scared I'll just look awful and ugly and I'll be unlovable.

And I'm nervous about the physical effects too...but I also get excited! I like the idea of having some facial hair, or my genitals changing, or being more muscular and less curvy. But I'm also scared of change, you know? I've lived in this body for over two decades, I have some experience with the now. But I'm not happy with it! I'm not thrilled! I'm nervous to change and I'm nervous to stay the same.

I want to do T. But the nasty little voice of self-doubt is making quite a racket by telling me that I'm making a terrible mistake and I'm going to permanently alter my body and hate it forever and I'll just be this mess of a human body. But I still want to do it! But I'm a hesitant! And I would just love some outside perspective. I should be getting back into counseling in a couple weeks, I'm just in the process of switching to a new counselor (someone more affordable, hopefully!) Thank you in advance!

[Heather]

::they/them fistbump::

It sounds to me like you could really benefit from talking to a trans-friendly counselor when it comes to these concerns and making your choice about starting T. This is a conversation they're usually very practiced at having, and these kinds of concerns are things they are very familiar with. We can do that with you, too, but we're just not going to be as good at it as someone who specializes in exactly these kinds of conversations.

So, before we start talking, I wanted to check in with you about if you have a therapist like that already, and if not, if you want to look into accessing one. Your endocrinologist could likely give you a referral (and I'm surprised they didn't, as it's pretty common practice at this point when prescribing people hormone therapies for this purpose), and you could let them know that cost is a factor.

That all said, I do just want to remind you that whatever reasons you have for either using T or NOT using T are all valid. There really aren't good reasons or bad reasons here, just your reasons, which you then consider to decide if it feels like using T is or isn't a good match for them. Too, I think it's helpful to remember that it's not magic, so there may be some things you'll need help with, or to go through your own process with, separate from T, whether you use it or not.

For example, you may still have self-image work to do when it comes to liking what you see in the mirror. Heck, you may even find that is about things besides gender in the long run, and whether you use T or not, that's an issue. Know what I mean?

Lastly, I personally -- as in, in my own circles -- know plenty of people who have used hormone therapies who are not very binary (or who are sometimes, but not other times). I know people who use T and wear sparkles or skirts. I know people who have used estrogen and one day dress in a men's suit, the next high femme. You can still get to do any of that regardless of what you do, and how people react is going to be how they do. But that's not about you: it's about them. That wouldn't tell us jack about YOUR loveability or your beauty. And you always can go off T if you decide it wasn't for you. I know people who have done that, too, and while it certainly is a bit of a rough process (using it, then going off it, then maybe going on it again), sometimes our processes of self-discovery in life ARE rough, but still feel worth it to explore.

It does sound lke you could stand to give yourself more time to consider this, and again, I think some help from a counselor who expressly works with trans patients would be a real boon. Let me know if we can help with that, and/or if you want to keep gabbing here with us about this more.

[JB]

Thank you so much for responding! I had a very trans-friendly therapist (she wrote my letter) and while she was great in that aspect, I think I need someone with a little more structure. This new therapist was recommended to me by a friend of mine who's a trans woman, so I'm fairly confident she's trans-friendly.

I guess, I do have some body issues. I know when I would look at pictures of myself with (other) women I would feel like I looked very out of place. I don't know if that's due to gender identity or body image or both. Weight has always been something I've struggled with.

I have accepted that T will not be a cure-all, and even bring some things that maybe I'm not expecting or aren't ideal. But when I think about being on T I get a little thrill of excitement. I've been getting lots of advice that centers on "trust your gut!" and that's hard for me (which is a huge part of why I want to see a therapist.)

I guess I just feel vain. Silly. Like I haven't suffered enough. Like I should only do T if my self-hate reaches an enormous boiling point. But I guess I just don't feel that way, so maybe I shouldn't do it?

I'm reminded of when I first started having sex and got on birth control, and my parents were like "well what if you get pregnant!" and I responded "well, I'd get an abortion." And the reaction was like "well, that'd be very hard on you..." and I nodded and agreed but honestly I never truly felt that way. I never fully felt like if I had to get an abortion I'd be super heartbroken and grieving about it. I mean, who knows, it never happened, but it just seemed like "well, that's a sort of tough, costly thing I'd have to do and then it'd be done and I'd be ok."

That's sort of how I feel about T. I get a lot of "what if you regret it! What if it's not what you want?" and I keep thinking "well, then I'd deal with that" and I guess I keep trying to get myself to understand the full weight or something and then I get nervous that I'm missing something or missing a link and so the scared feeling comes back. Uff.

[Heather]

Suffering shouldn't be a requirement for doing things that are just about making yourself comfortable in your own skin.

For sure, the standards with all things transitioning that involve medical intervention, be it hormones or surgeries, DID kind of long require "proof" of terrible suffering. But that was (and in the ways it's still part of all this) a standard based in bias and oppression, not in care and support. Thank goodness that's been changing, and I'd encourage you to do what you can for yourself to ditch the leftovers of all that yuck from back when that seem to be in your mind.

You don't have to have suffered AT ALL to seek out and engage in hormone therapy. You just have to want to do that and feel like it's something that will be beneficial to you.

It might help to think about this like someone making a decision about using antidepressants. How depressed do they have to feel to try those and see if they help? Is it not okay for them to try, because they think it might help, if they have only been somewhat depressed? Or do they have to be so depressed it is literally ruining their whole life? The answer, of course, is that they simply have to feel that depression is having an impact on their life they do not like and that they want to try a medical intervention they think might be helpful. Same really does go here.

So, I'd just keep your focus on if you think T will or will not be helpful to you, and if it does or doesn't seem like something that would potentially be beneficial, where any risks of it seem worth the potential benefits. And maybe you don't know right now, so perhaps right NOW isn't the right time for you with T, while it might be when you have more time to consider it and at a time you feel more certain and right about it.

Too: if you feel very focused on whether you'd regret using T or not, it might be helpful to sit down with paper and pen, make two columns, and in one, write down why you think you might regret it, and in the other, why you think you might NOT. Then you can really look at all of that, compare and contrast, and perhaps get a better picture of what's right for you.

[Mo]

Hi JB,

If it's helpful at all to get some personal perspective on this, I'm a nonbinary trans dude who's been on T for several years now and I felt pretty conflicted and unsure of myself and my motivations when I made the decision to start taking it. I didn't feel particularly male but I felt very strongly that I was not a woman and was really hoping that the physical effects of T would help me feel more comfortable with myself and help other people read me in some way that felt more authentic. I was excited about most of the physical changes I knew would likely happen, and worried about some of them, and honestly I don't know that even when I started that I was 100% sure I "deserved" to be doing it. For me it was instantly clear I'd made the right decision, and I have plenty of friends and acquaintances who said the same thing: once they took that step it was obvious that it was the right thing to do.

I honestly think that wanting to change your appearance and be more comfortable in your body and your presentation is 100% ok as a reason to start hormone therapy. Obviously I can't guarantee what you'd look like or what changes would happen to your body (or how fast they'd occur) on T but there are definitely cute femme trans men and transmasculine people out there, rocking skirts and sparkly things and looking great. Also, I cannot agree with Heather more strongly that you don't need to suffer in order to earn the right to take T.
There are certainly trans folks who are miserable before medical and social transition, and who do really suffer before they have access to hormone therapy. But plenty of people transition from "generally happy person who feels like something isn't quite right" to "much happier person who feels more comfortable and at home in their body" and that transition is just as valid!

I don't say this to push you towards taking testosterone; I think that has to be your decision alone and it's ok to take your time with it. But I really encourage you not to worry about whether your reasons for wanting to take T are good or valid enough, but to focus on how compelling those reasons are just to you.

[JB]

Hi Mo,

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for posting this. Your response was so awesome to read because I really relate to how you feel. I feel decidedly not womanly, but not necessarily a man. In fact, the word man is something I find myself shying away from, because it feels very rough. I think of myself as more of a pretty boy/boi.

But my mom brought up something recently. She has been supportive, if a little confused, but has really been owning that as "her problem" and not mine. She asked me well, when you're 35 or 40, will you still be a pretty boy, and that has been something I've been thinking about. I worry if maybe I'm somehow...infantilizing myself? I've always considered myself mature, and have been told by others I appear older than I am, and I pride myself on that! I feel like I'm trying to find proof to reassure myself that there are older nonbinary/trans masc femme people and they are happy and successful.

And it seems like, you know, I see lots of images of young trans masc/nb people. And that's awesome, but it makes me realize, I won't be in my twenties forever. What will I be when I'm older? How will I define myself? Will I still be as committed to what feels like a radical queer identity (for me) when I'm older? It's really scary.

I think I want to do T. But I don't feel ready right this second. But soon, I think. Gosh, typing that sentence out made me get such a thrill. I should listen to that, right?

[Sam W]

Hi JB,

If typing out that you want to go on T gave you a thrill, that's definitely something to listen to.

As for what will happen as you age, that's definitely a worry I've seen voiced before (often by parents or cis folks). There are a few different things to say on that matter. One is that I can assure you that there are people in their 30s and 40s who share your identity. We don't tend to see those images because American culture tends to favor pictures of youth over pictures of elders.

Next, have you given yourself the chance to go to spaces where there are large swaths of LGBT people present? For example, when I lived in San Fransisco I would go to Trans Pride. It was the first place I ever saw older trans and non-binary folks, and there were more gender identities and expressions than you could shake a stick at. So it might be worth it to see if you can find places where different generations meet (caveat: some older queer folks will get grumpy about non-binary identities, in the way that there will always be people who complain about kids these days).

Another way to think about this is that you may find, when you're 40, that what's right for you in terms of gender identity and expression has shifted. And that's okay! It doesn't mean that younger you was wrong or misguided. Younger you was acting on the information they had at the time to do what was right for them during those years. People talk about "phases," but what those conversations miss is that something being a phase of your life doesn't make it any less real or less important.

[JB]

I try to always remember that phases aren't necessarily "wrong," and one of the things I've told those around me who are worried at HRT is that I can count on one hand the number of genuine regrets I have in my life.

Unfortunately, I haven't had the chance to go to an event that consists of large groups of trans and/or nb folks. Pride is coming up in my city in September so that'll be beneficial. I may try googling any kind of portrait or essay or narrative about older trans/nb experiences...

[Sam W]

That is an excellent way of framing that choice to people

If you end up going to pride, I'd encourage to look and see if there are any trans and/or nb specific events that seem up your alley. Sometimes folks will host stuff specific to certain chunks of the community in the days leading up to pride.

There is one photo series I know of that's previewed here; http://www.advocate.com/politics/transg ... g-survival . It looks like the photographer also has a book based on the project which may have even more varied representation.

[Mo]

On the topic of infantilizing yourself, I know it can be harder to find images of or stories from trans elders, but they certainly do exist. A lot of my social circle is 30-something trans folks, and one of my partners is 39 and only recently came out as genderqueer. I do know several people who are decades older than me, as well! I think there are a few reasons that might contribute to older trans people being a bit less visible, but trans identities and medical transition aren't just for younger folks. I certainly don't see access to hormones as any sort of commentary on someone's maturity level.

It's a bit more focused on uncertainty about gender identity overall than on medical transition in particular, but I think this article I recently wrote might be a helpful read.

[Heather]

I want to add something else in here on the topic of looks and aging in our culture.

That's this: T or no T, and whatever someone's gender (though particularly for people who identify as or are classified as women), a lot of people, and it's probably even safe to say most people, tend to do a LOT of things, whether they recognize them as not, to stay looking young, and to try and meet gendered standards of beauty that are based in beauty standards centered in the notion that youth = beauty.

Think about it: push-up bras, Botox, anti-aging creams, layering, liposuction, dying gray hair, dressing "younger"...we could all go on and on and on about this. And it's usually cisgender people, most of all (especially heterosexual cis women) who are hung up on this most, and who do the things they do to present their gender most when it comes to all of this.

I say this because I feel like this -- however well your mother may have meant it -- is a line of thinking that strikes me as something being applied to you in your process as gender non-conforming that is actually something that informs (with or without awareness of it) cisgender thinking, time, money and gender presentation most of all. In other words, applying this to you, or anyone gender nonconforming, feels like a red herring to me because of how deeply and pervasively it tends to influence cisgender people first and foremost. Does that make sense or help you out with this at all?

(Heck, I would even posit it's possible that nonbinary, or less binary, gender presentation in and of itself is something that perhaps subverts all of this youth = beauty more than most things.)