Burning?

[ICantThink]

I'm not quite sure what this would fall under, and it's awkward going to my mom about it, but I get this burning feeling whenever I start having sex and I don't know if it's just because maybe I'm not completely turned on enough or something else like a yeast infection I need to be concerned about? It only happens for maybe a minute when we first start, then goes away, and it doesn't happen when we use a condom which is why I'm leaning towards me not being completely there yet, but I'm not positive. It isn't unbearable, but it does feel uncomfortable. I'm just kind of looking for other women to go to about if they've experienced something similar that aren't judgmental like my mom. Thank you

[Jacob]

Hi Icantthink.

I can't speak from the perspective of being a woman, but from what you are saying it sounds like your own instinct that this is about not feeling comfortable is very likely correct! I'm sorry you've been having to go through all that pain.

Lots of people who feel discomfort during penis-in-vagina sex will feel it because they aren't arroused and this means their muscles aren't relaxed and that they will be less self-lubricated and that they feel like they should continue even though they're in pain. This is really unfortunate because communicating with a partner and pursuing what feels good, including other types of stimulation is really where great sex is at. If penis-in-vagina sex is where that leads then the likelihood is it will be a lot more comfortable. The first step however is communicating.

Is this something you've spoken to your partner about?

I'd also reccomend our article From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse as it addresses a lot of what might be going on.

[ICantThink]

I have talked to him about it, and I just recently got over a yeast infection so that's why I wasn't sure if it was left over pain from that or because I wasn't fully ready or not. It's also kind of weird when I talk to him about things because I'm the first person he's been with whereas I've had a previous partner. So I learned and grew with my first partner in what felt good and my current boyfriend is completely different. I'm having to relearn with him and it's kind of annoying because I don't want to tell him some of the things I'm into because I'm worried it will either freak him out or be gross to him and he doesn't seem that interested in sex anyways. So it's difficult relearning when he tells me to tell him what I'm wanting, but at the same time doesn't seem that into it to begin with. I don't want to just jump into doing something I know feels great for me and freak him out or make him uncomfortable, so I'm trying to move at his pace while dealing with the fact that I'm more into having sex than he is.

But yes, we have talked about it so we're going to try using condoms start to finish to see if it makes a difference and rule out if it is me not being completely there or not or possibly something else. I just can't really talk to my mom about it without criticism so I came here. Thanks for the article though I appreciate it

[Sam W]

Hi Ican'tThink,

If you recently had a yeast infection, it is possible that some of the discomfort is the result of that. If you notice it continuing or getting worse (or notice the discomfort in non-sexual moments) I'd check back in with a healthcare provider. Sometimes you can get two yeast infections in a short amount of time.

When you mention your boyfriend isn't that into what's going on, can you tell me more about that?

[ICantThink]

He doesn't really seem interested in sex in general. He's told me he doesn't want blow jobs, (not complaining about) or for me to really touch him anywhere in the genital area which I've respected. Some people just aren't into that, we don't do much foreplay except for me which makes me feel weird because it's only me getting that sort of attention. And he's told me he isn't turned on by too much of the female figure. So almost 95% of the time we've had sex I've been the one to initiate it and that makes me feel like he isn't that into it or could care less either way.

When we do have sex he gets into it and doesn't just lay there bored, but he doesn't initiate it. I'm all for sex not being the main component in a relationship, but I also like doing it with him because for me it's a sense of us being close. Even though we're able to be close without it, I still like being able to be that close with him from time to time and yeah, for me, it feels great. So it's just kind of weird and I'm not sure how to bring it up without coming off wrong to him. He's a complete 180 from my previous boyfriend who all he wanted was sex. So I'm going from a guy who all he wanted was sex to one that could care less either way and I'm not sure where to find the middle ground.

[Heather]

Can I ask why you're in a sexual relationship with this person? It just doesn't sound like it's something you're feeling that good in, that you feel able (emotionally safe) to be honest about what you want in, or that is a good fit for what YOU want and need in a sexual relationship.

[ICantThink]

I feel great in my relationship with him, it's just different for me going from a long term relationship before him with someone I grew with and learned what I did and didn't like to someone who I'm their first and now they're having to learn. My ex made everything about sex, we'd be in the car or hiking and he'd want to do something and I hated it. I don't want a relationship that is only physical. I want to have an emotional bond with someone and be able to have a great time with them without having to get undressed and I have that with my current boyfriend and I love that. But I also do like sex, it feels great and I like that I have that emotional connection with him at the same time, it isn't meaningless.

I've told him about some of the things going on, he knew about the yeast infection and why I didn't want to have sex for a few days while that cleared up because it was really uncomfortable. He's been incredibly respectful anytime I've said I wasn't alright and constantly asks if I'm okay during which is nice. So it's not that I can't talk to him about things. But I'm having to learn myself how to go from a guy that anytime he saw me basically and literally would push me against a wall even if I wasn't in the mood (he'd always stop when I'd tell him) to a guy who doesn't seem that into sex in general. They are complete opposites when it comes to that and i'm basically relearning with my current boyfriend. Which isn't terrible. I know everyone is different and I was at that stage once when I first started learning what I did and didn't like, but I don't know when is a good time to tell him the things I'm into without scaring him off. It's nothing super kinky or anything, but he doesn't seem that into foreplay, other than helping me if I'm not completely ready, so I don't want to ask for something I know he isn't that fond of just because I like it even though he's offered and has asked me to tell him what I like. I know mentally he won't be judgmental or anything and is willing to try things with me, but I'm still kind of worried he won't be into it or will think it's gross. And I don't like that I'm almost always the one that initiates it. It makes me feel like I like sex too much and that's not "sociably acceptable for girls to enjoy/want sex more than guys"

It's just a different situation that I'm trying to figure out how to navigate without making him think there's a problem or freaking him out. I didn't think I'd have another sexual partner that wasn't my ex, so I'm relearning with my current boyfriend basically and the situation is completely different than what I've been through already (not necessarily in a bad way, just... different.)

[Mo]

I think it sounds like it would be a good idea for the two of you find a time when you aren't thinking about having sex but can really take some time to talk about it. This could include what sorts of sexual activities, if any, you're both interested in, what you each enjoy or think you might like to try, and how you want to handle times when you might be really excited about sex and he's not. It sounds like there are some things about his preferences you're assuming but aren't quite sure about here, and the only way to really know what he's thinking in this situation is to talk about it.

It sounds like you're thinking a lot about managing his feelings here - trying to find ways to talk about this without upsetting him or freaking him out. There's really no way, in any relationship, to have a conversation that can keep someone from having a negative reaction, just because no one can control how someone else feels or reacts. Part of the intimacy of a close relationship is being able to open up about personal things while trusting the other person to react respectfully. I think if you're being honest and respectful that's really the best you can do.

[ICantThink]

I think that's a good idea and definitely something we're going to do. Thank you to everyone who answered this

[Sam W]

You're welcome, glad we could help