Is my mom being abusive?

[Memekid]

Ever since early April when mom found out I masturbate, she's been acting stricter than usual. On the first night, she forced me to sit on a couch for two hours while ranting about how bad it is and forced me to read a book on STDs.
During these months, I kept at it behind her back by buying more massagers and getting the job done as stealthily as possible. Unfortunately, my massagers were found at some point and my mom burned them while I was asleep. The room I went in to masturbate at got a new lock on it which required a key so I couldn't go back in. I'm also banned from going upstairs most of the time along with everything but my DS and flip phone taken away.
My sister hasn't been so helpful, as she's been on mom's side through all of this. She constantly checks in on me while I'm on the computer to make sure I'm not doing anything innapropriate. My sister agrees that masturbation is "sick and disgusting".
I did get caught chatting to people and my family reported a guy for being a pedophile on Facebook and claimed that the authorites would arrest him and me. I'm not quite sure if this is true or not.
Recently, I was really aroused yesterday and I went upstairs to do my usual thing when mom yelled really loud for me to come downstairs. I tried to hurrily put away a new face cleanser I bought behind my mom's back a few months prior just as she started marching up the stairs. She saw the sleepingbag I used and started saying things like "We're not doing this again." and ordered me back downstairs.
A few minutes later, I asked if I could go get some ice cream to use as an opportunity to put away my face cleaner in my locked box. Mom quickly caught on to my ploy and marched back upstairs again. She yelled at me to go back downstairs and went to put away my sleeping bag when the massager fell out. I felt so weak from the horror of it as I powerlessly walked downstairs.
Mom got out a hammer and went outside with my face cleaner and I watched sadly as she hammered it to pieces before throwing the pieces into a fire. I was forced to stay in my room with the blinds open and the door to my room open so everyone could see what I was doing.
She ordered me to walk around outside as she believed this would get rid of my sexual feelings. Mom got this from some bullshit CMD site my sister found. I then went to bed early.
Mom is shown to be nice at times when nothing sexual is involved but nowadays I'm feeling fear in my own house. She's said things like I couldn't run away because the officers would arrest me for being underage and how she and my sister were actually trying to help me.
Its because of her that I'm forced to take my sister's Prozac pills, but in reality I just toss them in the garbage when no one is looking.
Nobody except users on Gurl.com has helped me. The counselor said it was my mom's house and I had to abide by her rules.
I'm writing this on the school Chrome Book now because I don't know if my mom is actually abusive or taking things too harshly. I even have a text from the authorities to look forward to when I get home today.

PS - I just joined Scarleteen today, So I'm not sure if I'm breaking the forum rules or not.

[Sam W]

Hi memekid,

This sounds incredibly stressful and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with it. Plenty of parents are uncomfortable with their child growing into a sexual being, but stripping you of all your privacy and destroying your stuff goes way beyond what is an appropriate response. It sounds like you know this already, but in case it needs reiteration, there is nothing wrong with masturbation. It's part of most people's sexuality and almost everyone will do it at some point in their lives.

You mention your mom trying to force you to take Prozac pills that you weren't prescribed. Did you tell the counselor about that part? Because that is absolutely not okay.

For your safety, I'd suggest not masturbating in the house for awhile, even though it's not fair of her to treat you this way. Do you have any friends whose houses you can go to? Not for masturbation purposes, but just to have a space where you can have at least a little privacy and peace?

[Memekid]

Thanks for replying. I think I was supposed to put this in the Abuse forums, whoops. I told the counselor but she didn't seem to really care.
I can't do it again anyway because I have nothing that vibrates at the moment. I don't have any friends at all.

[Sam W]

You're welcome And no worries about the forum, this is an okay place for this conversation.

Was this a school counselor you told about this? Because that kind of apathy to someone saying "a parent is trying to force meto take a psychiatric medicine I was not prescribed" is not good. You mention your mom being okay around some things. Does this kind of control and constant monitoring pop up anywhere else in her interactions with you?

If you don't have specific folks you'd call friends, are you involved in any extracurricular activities? Are there activities you'd like to try? Because one approach to this whole situation is to try and get yourself out of the house as much as possible.

[Memekid]

Yep this was a school counselor. She interrogates me about constant chatting and got kicked off the computer when I wasn't playing the Sims. Mom orders the computer room wide open at all times.
I was looking to join Bowling but it's a winter sport.

[Sam W]

Are you comfortable with reaching out to a non-school counselor to talk with about this situation? You mentioned chatting to people. Was this with people of all ages about a variety of topics, or was it a specific topic?

I would put in a vote for you joining the bowling team if it interests you. Until then, are there other things you can do to get yourself out of the house? And do you have a bike or something similar to help you get around?

Just to check, has your mom ever thrown things at you or otherwise done things to physically intimidate you?

[Memekid]

Sure, I'd be okay with that. On Gurl.com it was mainly with teens about a specific topic. I do have a bike but mom tells me to stay off the highway.
Mom hasn't done anything physically, at least nothing that I can remember.

[Sam W]

Okay, there are a few ways you could go about that. The ideal would be to get to counselor who you could see face to face (and that would be at least a little covered by insurance). Do you think your mom would be open to the idea of you getting counseling, or is your sense that she'll put up resistance?

Hah, I remember using Gurl when I was younger. Was that also where you met the person that they reported, or was that something else?

If you've got a bike, my suggestion is to start making use of it. Depending on where your house is you could use a few different approaches. Maybe you decide to start doing your homework at a library (or going to look at books), or taking daily rides around the neighborhood. Or you can just ride the bike somewhere quiet where you aren't constantly monitored. Do any of those options sound doable?

[Memekid]

Mom said that there was a psychiatrist I have to go to next month or so. No the pedo was originally on Experience Project but we moved our chats to Facebook because the app and site closed down.
I never biked farther than my house which is on a long empty road with other houses sometimes around it. I'm going to church tonight too so I won't have time to bike.

[Sam W]

If that's something that's planned, then something we can help you out a little with is coming up with a script to explain the current situation to that psychiatrist and ask them to refer you to a counselor. Does that sounds useful to you?

Then maybe make a plan to start taking some exploratory bike rides in the coming days and weeks. Obviously, you have a better sense of your area than we do, so you'll know if certain areas or times of day are unsafe to bike in (our goal is to get you some quiet space, not accidentally put you in danger). Is there a bus route that comes within biking distance of your house?

[Memekid]

Mom said I wasn't going to a psychiatrist anytime soon and apparently called the psychiatrist herself and now im forced to take the pills
A bus comes down my street and since I live away from town, there's a place at the end of the road to turn around at.

[Sam W]

Oh goodness. What would happen if you told her you wanted to see someone?

Two questions: did you actually see her call the psychiatrist and have this conversation? And did the psychiatrist ever talk to you personally?

With the bus, how does the idea of taking a bus ride into town a few times a week sound? That could be for any reason that you think would work to get you out. And how do you feel about looking for a volunteer opportunity near you?

[Memekid]

I was at school at the time, so it most likely could be a lie. The psychiatrist never talked to me but my sister apparently cried about my behavior in her therapy sessions.
We don't have buses in my small town. I always wanted to work somehow but I don't think there's anything right now.

[Sam W]

I can't say for certain, but I'm very inclined to think she's lying (because pretty much no psychiatrist is going to give a medication without seeing a client face to face). To give you an example, I've cried about how family members have behaved in therapy sessions. My counselor did not then call them and tell them they had to be on X medication. That's not how the process works (I sense, BTW, that you already know that, but the more examples you have the easier it will be to counter your mom's manipulation). If you've been pitching the meds, keep doing so. You should not be taking an unprescribed medication. Can I ask what would happen (or what has happened) if you were to flat out say "I am not taking anything without talking to a doctor myself, in person?"

Something you could do, if you feel up to it, is make a list of all the resources you have: transportation, money, people you trust, etc. Then make up a list of things you'd be interested in doing outside of the house (like work or volunteering) and see if you can find ways to make your resources get you to those activities. For instance, if you're in school, what's nearby the school? Is there anywhere you can go to study/volunteer/hang out?

[Memekid]

Mom would still say something like I have no choice.
I couldn't go anywhere without mom pretty much. She even told me to stay off the highway because it was dangerous.

[Sam W]

Do you think she would force you or otherwise hurt you if you made that boundary? I ask because this is something that, if you were to hold firm on it, would at least get you in to see someone who you could tell about what's happening.

Can you tell me a little bit about what's nearby your school? And are there any things you can think of where your mom wouldn't object to you doing them without her (which is a silly thing to have to ask. At your age most parents start allowing their kids greater freedom)?

[Memekid]

She makes threats to spank me but other than that, I don't really know. I just remembered that she went into my Gurl account and changed the password so I couldn't get into it. She said it was a disgusting site and for girls 18+ ( even though that was only a forum board ). Mom apparently reported every girl in my friend list, so I made a cool alias called nightdragon2 and exchanged emails with one of the girls helping me through this hell.
I don't think there's anything around my school at all. Just other schools and a tennis court I'm not allowed on.

[Memekid]

She was able to get in because I went onto her phone because I had to tell people how abusive mom was seeming that day. I thought I deleted it from the history, but it was still there somehow.

[Sam W]

Oh gracious, my jaw just hit the floor. That is incredibly awful of her (also another lie, I'm 99% sure Gurl is not 18+). To check, are you talking with us on a device that she can't access? How recent was her going into your Gurl account, and how recently has she tried to make you take your sister's medication?

I'm going to give you this article of ours. You won't be able to use everything in it, but it might get you pointed in some helpful directions: The Scarleteen Safety Plan

Let's see what we can work out in terms of other people who can help you. Do you have any adult family members (that includes people like aunts and uncles) who you trust? How about teachers (By the by, not trying to make you feel like you're facing the Spanish Inquisition. But the more information we have the more we might be able to help you strategize )?

[Memekid]

I'm on a chrome book using the school internet right now. She went into it yesterday and I strangely did not receive the pill at all yesterday.
I have grandparents who are the nicest I have at the moment. I have a nice Health teacher, My social studies teacher, Global Issues, and the such.
I still have thoughts that my mom is just going to far and isn't really abusive, as she has shown love towards me but everything changed once she found out how sexual I was. Shes not as mean towards my sister who is asexual and makes As all the time.

[Memekid]

My mom isn't going to be at the house for a while after school today, but dad is going to "watch" me. I say that in quotes because since he is a disabled/traumatized veteran, he can't really do much except farm all day.
I'm also looking into the article you sent me while doing some science work online . Really indepth and informative.

[Sam W]

Okay, good to know. On that piece I gave you there's information on how to wipe information so that someone can't track your internet history (it's over in the sidebar).

Maybe a plan then is to talk to your health teacher, just so there is someone else who knows what's going on. I'd also make a try for the school nurse (she may at least be able to get you connected to a counselor outside of the school). Would like help in planning those conversations?

What's your relationship with your dad like? Which "side" does he seem to fall on?

It's totally normal to feel those doubts about what's happening. That goes double when it's a parent doing them, because we want to believe that our parents have our best interests at heart. And maybe your mom does, but the way she's expressing it is not okay. Too, there are still disagreements over what "counts" as abuse. Some people would look at what she's doing and just say she's strict and trying to protect you. However, think about it this way: if this were a boyfriend or girlfriend doing this to you, very few people would fail to name the red flags for what they are. Controlling what you can do, monitoring your behavior, destroying your stuff, and trying to force medication on you would all be considered bad signs. Does that kind of make sense?

[Memekid]

Hyperbole and a half ! ( I saw the sidebar )
In two periods from now will be health class. We take a walk around the school which takes around 30 minutes or so. I wanted to talk to her but I don't know what or how to isolate her from other students she walks around with. I would likely need help planning.
My dad is against me mainly because mom told him how bad I was. It makes sense now but I just wonder why it's just me that gets it all. I can't make straight As all the time and have bad social skills...

[Memekid]

I do deserve it a little bit since I was being innapropriate towards older guys and such.

[Sam W]

What if you tried taking the simple route? If y'all are out walking, what if you approached her and asked if you could talk to her/ask her advice about something one on one? If she agrees and you get a chance to talk, be sure to bring up the different things your mom has done, especially the breaking your stuff and the medication thing. "My mom is trying to force me to take a psychiatric medication I was never given by a doctor and I don't know what to do" might do the trick. If you're not feeling ready, you don't have to do this today.

The one thing to consider is that your teacher is a mandatory reporter (so is the counselor, but she didn't seem to catch the implications of what you told her). If she thinks what's happening is abuse, she has to report it to CPS. That could mean an investigation. So if you take that approach, you need to be prepared for possible fall out (the reason I mention this is that I don't want you/your teacher trying to do what's right lead to more punishment from your mom).

As for deserving this, think about it this way: if she were worried about you getting approached by older men on the internet, she would set up controls to make that harder to do and help you stay safe (and she would try to build a relationship with you where you felt comfortable talking about things like that). It would stop there. The medication, the fury over your budding sexuality, the rest of the controlling stuff has zero to do with that incident. You don't deserve it.