Not sure what I like

[Jfowler123]

I'm a virgin too. For longest time all things sex boy etc =gross. But lately despite my health being my main reason for avoiding people this way due to my feeling guilty to make someone be with me through my suffering. Since a surgery to remove diseased tissue and see if I have endometriosis ...I think means my body is now gone crazy with needing someone special.

Now I'm not sure what I like other then most of my life I though I liked girls again due to the extreme bullying from kindergarten til gr 6 by mainly boys. But lately both seem good looking.

Would it help to have few flings with bi/les girls and straight boys. Hope that this testing the waters helps find out?

Like I been for last few weeks sex crazed

[Sam W]

Hi there,

Apologies for the delayed response, as much of our staff is out.

As for working out how you identify, experimentation is certainly one way to do that although plenty of people find they don't need direct experience to know how they identify (for instance some people use their patterns of attraction to work out what feels like the right term). Too, if you choose an identity now that turns out to not fit as well a few years down the road, that's totally okay! It doesn't invalidate the feelings you have now, and some people find that their orientation shifts around as they age.

Have you had the chance to do much reading of work by folks who are questioning, bi, or lesbian?

[Jfowler123]

No. Really I think now I recovered from endometriosis surgery it has subsequently opened the door to me wanting a sexual life and dating life. Like pain issues begun at age 15. Still going strong now. But this leaves me feeling I been robbed by my own body of finding love and making those silly mistakes teens make through high school. Making me wonder if I need a man or woman to be a mock boy or girl friend and help me catch up on missed out things feelings etc.

[Jfowler123]

Like I begun reading more more romance books which maybe part of it

[Mo]

There are plenty of people who don't do much dating, or date but aren't sexually active, in high school; it's not abnormal to start that process afterwards.

I think having a mock or fake partner isn't going to be helpful in the realm of real feelings, if that makes sense. If you're interested in dating that's definitely something you can pursue more actively, but it's not likely to be fulfilling if you're dating someone only or primarily to make up for lost time - does that make sense?

One thing you can do, too, is explore sex and your own sexuality with yourself, through masturbation or fantasy. We have some more info on being your own first sexual partner here and I think that might be a helpful read.

[Jfowler123]

i find self love things do nothing other then make me want to be taken to a guys bed. but how will i catch up in all the know how other 26 yr olds have etc

[Sam W]

If that's something you're finding happens, would it help to focus your fantasies on things that could never possibly happen (like romance novel type scenarios)?

A way to think about this is that there is no one to catch up to. It's not that everyone else is progressing at the same pace in terms of sex and dating while you're sitting far behind. Everyone is at different places in their sex and dating lives, including you. Some people have little to no experience at age 30, others have plenty of experience by age 17. And being at any point in your sexual and relationship experience is not inherently better than being at any other. Does that make sense?

[Jfowler123]

True but since I'm chronically ill feels I need to step it up and that means put work in more then others. So it feels I need some expirences before the one. Like its no longer the days of women being objects passed from father to hubby as a business deal therefore my virginity effects not just me but family and the business deal that is marriage back then. So today it be ok too for women to enter the mrs/mr right thing with bit of expirence.

Given endometriosis can make sex forms involving the pelvic area painful. I be nice to know what works or do not etc for the partner I chose as possibly the one I marry. Cause with my health I can't go through the short n such relationships other then casuals. I rather right away find the one I could marry. But I wanna be taught through sexual exploration before in more casual way. Heck if I couldfind a man who would be more like a teacher figure. Showing me how to flirt or draw in someone, then when I got so,some date em n keep em. Even if sex for me hurts in relationships like what I want being marriage....require bit of intimate sexy time to recheck the bond is there in more levels then say with friends. So I really need to know how much pain I will be in during and after. So when it comes time to intro sex in to my possible hubby/ wife relationship then I can sit em down (cause by now we may have been intimate in other ways but they have proven they will be there through what ever is thrown at me and help me dodge on coming pain in any supporting way)be like ok this is what has hurt before this feels good maybe learn if we just hit sore moment doing this n that maybe what allows us to continue. I seen many of my online friends relationships dissolve due to issues with whether they can have sex enough to keep the other happy while not being a toy etc.

[Jfowler123]

So are there people one can hire as someone who hands on n talking teaches the basics of sex while working with you to learn how to work with any limitations or disabilities. Like it could be the person talked through sexual needs vs relationship needs or goals. Then just becomes what u need to be able to get to a place where having a legit partner etc one that may not be the one but whom I can then put to practice what I learnt. So this sort of person I vouldhire if they exist hen after the mock relation ship condensed to few weeks or 2 months stays around now as mentor. But when I clearly find the right person who I can check off all yes boxes of what they offer then the mentor teacher goes.

[Sam W]

There really isn't anyone who can act as a sex teacher (which is functionally what you're looking for). There's a few reasons for this. The big one is that human desire and sexuality is so variable that trying to teach someone approaches or movements that are guaranteed to work with a partner is an exercise in futility. What works on one person may make another feel icky, confused, or simply "meh." Part of being sexual with someone is learning what the unique combination of your two sexual desires looks like. Does that make sense?

Too, emotional and intellectual connection play a big role in how enjoyable sex is. Even in casual relationships there is often some kind of emotional component, even if that component is as simple as "you're neat."

When you meet a potential partner who you want a relationship with, you can have a conversation with them about your needs and worries (including the pain) and they can talk about there's. That helps everyone be on the same page about what to expect sexually. It also helps to remember that even if your get everything sexual to go perfectly (which is highly unlikely because people's bodies and brains are imperfect), that's no guarantee that the relationship won't end.

[Jfowler123]

How soon does one talk of health issues? I don't want to scare off people but I don't want to tell too late then they walk away due to being lied to. Same with virginity

[Sam W]

That depends on the relationship and how fast it moves towards physical intimacy. What we advise is that, when sex starts looking like it's on the table, people sit down and talk about their boundaries, desires, and expectations around sex. If that's something you end up needing, we've got several articles on the main web site that help people with those conversations.

[Jfowler123]

True so maybe when I find the one who maybe long term if being with me through rough pain times long before sex happens don't scare them then that be how I tell if I could have sex with them.

[Sam W]

Yep Too, you could also have a separate conversation (or, more likely, and ongoing conversation) about your pain and what you need from a partner in terms of managing that from day to day.

[Jfowler123]

Right. But does this even happen with casual partners.

[Sam W]

Yes, it does. In fact, in order to make casual relationships run as smoothly as they can you need to be very communicative about needs and boundaries. You can read more about casual relationships here: Casual...Cool? Making Choices About Casual Sex

[Jfowler123]

How long can it be coincidred casual. Maybe I may find a guy understanding I wanna learn how to please someone but with out pressures of a more committed thing. Or is it possible to get a relationship that's purely about sexual things

[Sam W]

Casual has less to do with length and more to do with what each person is looking for from the relationship. So two people could be in a happy, casual relationship for years with neither of them wanting to move into a less casual one. On the reverse, two people could have a very serious, non-casual relationship that only lasts a few months.

And some people are looking for and have primarily or exclusively sexual relationships. How well that works depends on communicating about desires and expectations very clearly and letting the other person know if you suddenly become not okay with the relationship being so casual.

[Jfowler123]

I heard it takes some women time to get broken in. I know this term comes off as archaic term. But does this hold any weight...my guess yes those muscles need few times to know what to expect. As well learning what we want.

[Sam W]

While practice and experimentation can help make sex more pleasurable, they still come second to communication in terms of what is important. And that goes for all genders, not just people with vaginas. Vaginas do not need to broken in. As for learning what you want, that usually comes from masturbating and communicating and experimenting with a partner (or partners). Does that make sense?

[Jfowler123]

Ok.