Is my mom being abusive?

[Memekid]

We didn't end up walking today, so I'm on the chrome book in health class right now.
I think the reason why I do expose myself to others is mainly because of my hormones and such. Thinking of it a little bit is making me think that I don't actually deserve it like you said.
Everyday since Tuesday ( When my face cleaner was destroyed ) I've felt incredibly horny and it makes it hard for me to pay attention. My usual stim of shaking my leg makes it worse because it feels like the vibration.

[Sam W]

You're a teenager, so it's normal for you to be having sexual urges that you want to explore. Trying to do so with older guys is not safe, but doing so through masturbation is perfectly safe (and pretty much everyone does it). Having sexual urges is not grounds for abuse.

Do you have a school nurse you could talk to? And do you happen to know the name of the psychiatrist your sister is seeing?

[Memekid]

I do have a school nurse. The psyciatrist's name is Dr.Bikari or something like that.

[Sam W]

Okay, so what I's advise is this: go to the school nurse and tell her about what's happening. Lead with and keep your focus on the medication part of this. Be very clear that you have never seen a psychiatrist but your mom is trying to force a medication on you. You'll also want to let the nurse know what information you gave the school counselor, because they failed in their legal obligations by not reporting this. If you can, get the psychiatrists name as well (if I were them, I'd want to know what was happening). Is that something you can do?

[Memekid]

Not at the moment. I didn't receive any pills at all and maybe my mom is telling the truth. I still find it unfair that a psychiatrist would say ok to giving someone's medicine to their sibling without talking with them first.

[Sam W]

With the pills, there are two options: One is that your mom is lying, which fits with her pattern and is her lying to try and force treatment on you at will (for reference, where I come from, even if someone was hospitalized for suicidal ideation they could not be forced to take treatment). If she's not lying, then this psychiatrist needs to be reported anyway because what they're doing is unethical, against their professional code, and probably illegal.

You're right that it's unfair. And part of the reason you're feeling that way is because what's happening is wrong. That's why there are certain rules around mental healthcare. It's to prevent this from happening.

Would you be willing to call someone yourself who's trained to deal with these situations? I ask because, while I don't want to pressure you into doing something, I'm genuinely concerned about your well-being. We've seen situations like this, and they pretty much always escalate. They don't get better, the abusive person just puts more and more constraints on their target. And as you get older, my guess is she's going to find more and more things to "punish" you for. You deserve better than that

[Memekid]

I think I could get away with it, but I don't have any funds on me right now. I could steal some from my sister though.
I know I already said this, but since mom possibly won't be home, I wonder what to do..?

[Memekid]

I also don't really think a school nurse is cut out for that part.

[Sam W]

Okay, sounds good. This page has the number to call: http://chfs.ky.gov/dcbs/dpp/childsafety.htm . One of them is toll free, so cost should not be an issue for any of this. That line is for Kentucky, which is where it seems you are. If I'm wrong about that let me know and we can find a different resource.

Do you have a cell phone you can use?

The nurse is a mandated reporter as well, so could reach out on your behalf. But if you're not sure about that, taking the lead yourself is a good call.

When you call that number, tell them everything you told us. Lead with the medication piece and mention how your parent is trying to force you to take a psychiatric medication that you were not prescribed and was supposed to be for your sibling. Also mention any threats she's made and that she's destroyed your stuff. Let them know that this is causing you a lot of emotional and mental distress. And, importantly, don't try to minimize what's happened or is happening. It's going to feel natural to try and protect your mom, but in order for you to be safe they need to know the full version, not the minimized version. I know that's a lot, but it sounds like you have it in you to do it.

[Memekid]

Sounds like a really good plan. I have a flip phone
I'm scared they'll send the authorites after mom and she'll hunt me down for it. What will happen afterwards? How did you know my location even when I joked in my profile that it was Springfield?

[Sam W]

Hooray for flip phones!

As for what will happen next, that's dependent on how CPS decides to approach the case. If they take your call seriously there will likely be some investigation but beyond that I don't know what the process will be. If you're concerned your mom (or dad or sister) might retaliate for you reporting, be sure to let them know that as well when you call (their goal is to keep you out of harm, not put you in into it). If you have questions during the call, go ahead and ask the person on the other end to explain or give detail. Fingers crossed that it goes well.

(as for the location, we have a way to see IPs, which give us a general sense of where people might be if we need to help them find resources. But it's an extremely small pool of people who can see that)

[Memekid]

Must be really cool being staff. Flip phones are extremely cool.
I have feelings that mom is going to stay home since she just texted me what I wanted for dinner. Ironically, my sister was having a conversation with mom in the car about wanting to be involved in CPS.
I might bike somewhere and try calling them. Maybe I should save the number in my contacts, but mom might check that later.

[Ashleah]

Hi Memekid,

That's a good idea. If you are concerned about her checking the phone you could save the number under a fake name.

[Memekid]

I planned on doing that, but there's still a chance she would call it to make sure its actually what it says on the tin.

[Memekid]

I'm still feeling doubt on mom's behalf. Maybe she just is getting out of control of trying to control me? Maybe she had the wrong idea of masturbation all along? I don't know why I'm getting this feeling....

[Memekid]

What if she somehow tracks the call down and listens to every word I've said about her?

[Sam W]

If you're not comfortable with using a fake name, you could also go all the way old school and write it down on paper (that then stays on your body), which you then destroy once you've called (like, obliterate it).

I've also know people who write stuff down on their skin in places most people won't see. You can scrub it off once you're done (that's assuming your mom doesn't watch you change or keep the door open when bathing. Is she does, writing it on your skin is no good).

Those doubts are very common from people in abusive situations. People who are abusive are great at making you internalize certain things. But, even if we give your mom the benefit of the doubt in her motives, it's her actions that matter. And the actions are so not okay. And in case you're worried, it's not like you call and she goes to jail or something like that. It's a more nuanced process.

She can't track the calls and listen, because those calls have to be protected. Otherwise no one would ever call.

[Memekid]

Thanks so much for the info. Turns out she isn't leaving today, possibly because she doesn't trust me.
During the bus ride home, I couldn't help but process and think about this situation. When I had dinner, I studied mom's behavior and sayings. She was happy and didn't say anything mean at all.
I also have an interesting thing that happened at church. I'll talk later brb

[Memekid]

My mom turned the internet off again >:(
Anyway at church, I was crying really hard because of the effects of the pill and it got the attention of my grandpa. He came over and asked me about it and I told him I was forced pills I don't even need. A few minutes later, mom walked out and told me to stop attracting attention of others. I continued crying until no more could flow out.
We had one last talk about the pills and mom never brought it up again. This feels like gaslighting of some sort.
I didn't call today because I ended up chickening out about mom punishing me. What if she somehow manipulates her way out of investigation?

[Memekid]

Well, I'll try again tomorrow...

[Sam W]

Hi memekid,

Oh goodness. I'm glad you were able to at least tell your grandfather what's going on.

The fact that she turned off the internet when she knows at least one of your support systems came from their (Gurl) feels sketchy to me. Unless there's been a broader conversation about internet use of everyone in the house, that action seems directed at you.

It's possible you're experiencing gaslighting. That tends to happen when someone tries to make you feel like you can't trust your own memory and mind. What may also be happening is something that's really common with abusive people. There's a cycle where, after they've been particularly nasty, they start to be nice for a bit. That makes the person who was the target feel like the abuse was either a fluke or wasn't as bad as they imagined. But then the abuse starts again. In this instance, maybe she's realized you're telling people about the meds so she's backing off on that for awhile, but will start again (or on something new) when she thinks people are no longer paying attention

There's also the fact that abusive people will not be abusive 100% of the time. If they were, they'd have a heck of a time holding down a job or interacting with any other humans. Plus, them being mean only part of the time makes it harder to leave or report them, because you have things that you still like about them. Does that make sense?

With reporting, I wish I could tell you that there are no adults who manage to lie or manipulate their way out of investigation. But that simply isn't true, and it would be majorly unethical of me to tell you otherwise. I can't really say what will happen after you report, other than the more detail you give them the better chance you have of them coming to investigate. Your mom could have all sorts of reactions, but if you're scared of what some of those might be, be sure to tell CPS that.

I suggest you read more of the articles we have on the main site about abuse. A lot of it deals with partners, but much of the advice is the same. You could also check out a blog called Captain Awkward. It's aimed at adults, but there is a lot of discussion of abusive parents.

[Memekid]

Thanks for clearing most of this up for me. She actually started turning off the internet most of the summer and would always deny it was her although it was very obvious.
I got the abusive 100% from only seeing it in movies and all that fake stuff. That all makes sense to me now.
If CPS comes to investigate, will they say I called them?
I remember a lot of times when I would be scared of some bruises or an injury of sorts and mom would say it was caused by masturbation. I asked her where the old toothbrushes were and she said she threw them away and didn't want me using them for my own purposes.
I'll check out the articles and maybe that blog after posting this reply.

[Memekid]

I'm feeling a bit ready to call. What time should I attempt?

[Onionpie]

Hey Memekid! Any time that you feel ready, and works for you in terms of your safety, is a good time to call. The plan that you and Sam came up with is a good one, and I'm happy for you that you're feeling like you might be ready to do this. Let us know how it goes! It is a really brave step to take, and you are an extremely strong, admirable person. I hope the call goes well If you decide that you're not ready yet, that's okay too -- you are still so, so strong for surviving this far.

[Memekid]

I keep having these mixed feelings about calling. It's around 90s outside so I can't do it yet I'm afraid. Plus this one call could change my whole future....