Advice :)

[Scarrrx]

Hey.
So me and boyfriend have been going out for a year now I love him so much and I know he loves me too he honestly does treat me like a queen and is the best and he's so loyal and kind (lol soz about all the soppy adjectives) however we started to get really intimate and close after a few months we got together as we both agreed to it. Now we get intimate every time we see each other, I just wanted to ask is that normal?
Also once, we were making out and I turned him on, I wanted to go ahead n get intimate but then again I didn't, I said no and I saw I made him feel embarrassed and awkward because I made him think he wanted it more than I did and made him feel bad about it because he never wants me to feel like that, so then we carried on making out and then later I just went ahead with it and he did ask me if I wanted to or not, I said yeah. But in my head I kinda did but then I didn't? I have no idea why. Is that normal? Lol
Kind regards, X

[Sam W]

Hi scarrx,

It's certainly common to want to be sexual or intimate with a partner whenever you see them when a relationship is still fairly new (a year is pretty new in the grand scheme of things).

It sounds like a good conversation for you two to have would be one where you talk about what your desires and boundaries are in terms of sexual intimacy, so that you don't find yourselves unintentionally pushing past them. We have an article on how to do that, if that's something you'd like. I also want to say that it's okay to stop or dial back a sexual activity if you're not wanting to do it. Even if the other person is turned on, it's not bad to say "nope, not ready for that today." Since your boyfriend sounds like he respects you boundaries, he ought to be understanding.

[Scarrrx]

Oh okay, thank you. He really does understand and he never pushes for anything. I have spoken to him about it ages ago about that scenario, but I somehow made him think I had sex with him because I felt sorry for him??? - because I saw how embarrassed he got and he was all about saying we're not going to have intercourse anymore because he doesn't want me to feel like that but I made him understand that I didn't mean it like that, you know? But I sometimes feel like when we make out and i touch him, I'm leading him on when I don't mean to? I love him and I know he's not with me for sex but I confuse him and myself by saying I do and later feeling like I shouldn't have? I do enjoy it a lot (soz if it's TMI) but man I'm annoying myself.
Kind regards xx

[Sam W]

It sounds like some tips on how to talk about this stuff will come in handy: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

When you say you feel like shouldn't have done something sexual after doing it, can you tell me more about those thoughts? Do they feel like they're coming from a particular place or belief about sex?

[Scarrrx]

Thank you, I will certainly look at these links X
And oh it's really based on belief about sex... I don't want to seem like a bad person:( but I do push for it to get intimate sometimes too.
Oh yeah btw am I able to delete this post later? I feel embarrassed lol

[Sam W]

What kind of belief about sex? And when you say you push for it, do you mean you're actively pushing at his boundaries or limits that you two have agreed to, or is it more like you're the one taking the initiative to move the "next step?"

As for deleting, or policy is to not delete posts unless there is imminent danger to someone.

[Scarrrx]

I'm influenced by my friends who all have had sex before me, I always said I was going to have sex once I got married but now that I feel I've honestly found the one I decided to go ahead. And oh as for my belief- you shouldn't have sex before marriage.
And oh tbh we both push for it not in the 'forceful' sense but by touching eachother leading us to get intimate, me and him have an understanding and we both know that no means no. And lol it's confusing, we both take the next step at the same time I guess u can say. We both get very excited when we make out, and we don't stop making out and this leads to us going further which I am okay about. But then I feel like now that I've got him excited I don't want to disappoint him? But then half of me does want to go ahead? Ughhh But I don't know why I feel like that? It's so confusing:( sorry if I've confused you too. Thank you x

[Sam W]

So, part of this might be that you've got competing ideas about sex bumping into each other in your head. When you mix that with plain old sexual desire for someone, it can certainly feel confusing. Have you had a chance to read things by folks who thought they were going to wait until marriage and then made the decision not to? It might give you some voices to relate to.

[Scarrrx]

Hmm yeah I guess so.
And no I haven't, but I certainly will.
Thanks for the advice and allowing me to talk to someone

[Redskies]

It might help too to remember that sometimes our values - like in this case, what you think about having sex before marriage - and plans for life do change. That's a normal and common result of developing and having different life experiences So, you might want to give yourself a bit of space and time to think about what you think now about sex before marriage: it'd be alright if it turns out your opinions or values have changed from what they used to be.

You definitely don't ever need to continue being sexual with your boyfriend just because he's aroused. We don't ever owe anyone sex. It's okay to change your mind part-way through, or to feel unsure part-way through and decide that maybe it's not a good idea to have sex when you feel unsure or conflicted. You're not doing anything wrong when you do those things, you're just being human Like your boyfriend says, he'll be fine and it'll be fine if you call off sex part-way through. A small amount of temporary disappointment doesn't hurt anyone, and it sounds like your boyfriend has already said he's fine with it - good for him, really, because that should be the response of any decent person.

Saying "no" to sex isn't really a big deal - it sounds as if both you and your boyfriend might feel better by knowing that. It's a pretty common thing to happen, that one person wants it and one doesn't. It isn't wrong to say no, and it isn't wrong to have asked or suggested when it turns out the other person isn't into it. The important thing is that there's no pressure, and that "no" (including "not right now") is respected and supported - and it sounds like you're both getting that very right! You both might find What's in a No? helpful.

[Scarrrx]

most of my decisions and views have slightly changed as I'm slowly growing into an adult I believe I can make whatever decision I want, not what people expect me to do, you know? And hmm yeah, he is very understanding and we have spoken about this, I feel much better and he understands me very well.
Thank you for advice xx

[Ashleah]

Hey Scarrx,

Totally understand. Being comfortable with your decisions and determining your own values is harder than it sounds, so good for you!

I'm glad you all were able to have this conversation and you are feeling more comfortable! Let us know if you need anything else.