Brown spotting after manual sex

[Jellowl]

Everytime my boyfriend and I try manual sex, I notice brown streaks coming from my leftover vaginal fluids. I know the hymen can tear and cause slight bleeding when it gets torn, but we've done manual sex several times and this is still a repeat problem. Is this normal? Could it be caused by being to rough or doing it wrong?

As an added note, 2 weeks ago I went to the Emergency to treat a UTI (It was probably caused by me forgetting to urinate after manual sex; I now take extra care and urinate before and after). He said I did not have any STIs or things like that, just a nasty UTI. I wanted to ask him about the spotting, but he was already gone looking at the other patients.

If someone could give ideas on why this happens or if you could link me a page with info, I would be very thankful.

Thanks in advance

[Heather]

When you are engaging in manual sex, is your boyfriend inserting fingers into your vagina, rather than just rubbing your vulva? If so, is he only doing that when you are very aroused, using plenty of lubricant, and only when he's made sure first to manicure his hands and nails, doing things like filing the nails down short and cleanly, and cutting any hangnails?

You say you worry this might be about being too rough: has it felt rough or aggressive to you, and has it felt painful instead of good?

(Sorry about the bad UTI. They can be tremendously painful when they get bad like that.)

[Jellowl]

Thank you for the quick response!

Before we try manual sex, we spend a good amount of time kissing, body feeling and recently, dry humping. That makes my very wet and makes the insertion of fingers into the vagina very easy. He keeps his hands washed and his nails cut when we do this.

Once and a while, I will feel a slight pinch or something that does not feel pleasant- whether it's caused by the wrong position or poking a little to hard- and when that happens I'll tell him to stop for a second and he'll try again without causing me pain. For the most part, it feels very good. It doesn't feel aggressive, but it can feel a little rough when he pokes around my vaginal entrance instead of going in. Could the spotting be caused by him rubbing/poking to hard and causing a minor tear? Also, is it normal to be slightly sore afterwards? I'm not talking about terrible, body shuddering pain when I walk or use the facilities. I just feel a little tender down there.

Thank you in advance

[Heather]

Okay, so you're not using a lubricant? Sounds like you have all the other pieces in place but that one, so that may well be the issue here. Why not give using it a try - using some from the start, then adding more as you go - and see if that helps?

The soreness is something that could also be about not using lube, and/or about just overdoing it. So, it's probably also worth asking for him to just try and be a bit more gentle, and less pokey (it can sometimes help to remind partners the vaginal canal is curved, so softer, curved fingers tend to feel better than rigidly pointed ones), as it were, as well as to perhaps just cut back a bit on this way of being sexual and mix it up more with some others that don't involve vaginal entry.

[Jellowl]

If I may, I'd like to ask how effect/what the difference between lube and vaginal secretions is.

One of the reasons I haven't asked him to try lube is because I'm to shy to say anything. The idea of me or him having to go out and buy some makes me feel incredibly embarrassed! Another reason why I haven't tried it is because when I'm sexually aroused, I'm VERY wet. Sorry for being graphic but when I'm aroused, my panties are super soaked and it can sometimes cause a wet spot through my jean shorts. So I'm wondering how effective is lube really? Will you notice a difference when it's used?

Thank you in advance

(P.S: I can't thank you guys on this website enough! Everyone here has been so helpful, honest and non judgemental with all the questions you've been presented with. I've even recommended this site to my friends who were confused about certain things and asking questions. So again, thank you for being so awesome! )

[Heather]

You're so welcome! Thanks for such a lovely thank you!

Well, manufactured lube tends to be a lot more slippery, also lasts a lot longer. The lubrication the vagina makes is pretty thin, and easily and often quickly absorbed by the skin. It also doesn't work as well with condoms and other barriers.

It can take some time to get used to doing things like going out and buying condoms and lube, or seeking out sexual healthcare. But if we're going to be sexual with others, and want it to be as good as it can be, and to have the things that support that and our health, it's just something everyone has to learn to do.

My best advice is to try and have your sexual life match where you're at with doing things like talking about it, and the ability and comfort getting the stuff you need for your sexual life. So, if going out and getting lube, or even talking about it, feels too soon, I would suggest thinking about if doing things where you either need or want it makes sense just yet, or if it might not work better to step back and work on getting to a comfort level with what it can require first. Make sense?

That said, we are certainly happy to talk with you to try and help you get more comfy with talking about or buying things like lube, if you like.

[Jellowl]

Hello! It's been a while but I thought I'd come back to this topic if that's alright.

I've now expressed interest in having my boyfriend or me getting lube for when we plan to have sex (We haven't done it yet, but with the way things are going now it could be in the near future). The only issue is that now he's convinced that we wouldn't need lube if he were to get pre lubricated condoms. I am not sure how effective they'd be or if they should be used for your first time having sex; I fear condoms breaking from the friction. Also, he says that if things were to get a little dry, he'd just use his spit as lube. I do not like the idea of using spit because it seems very unsanitary to me (it is, correct?) and when he's used spit for manual sex, my discomfort is very noticable. Is there a way I can convince him that we have to use real lube when having sex? Do you have any tips for the types of lube to use with condoms?

Thank you in advance for the advice, have an awesome day! (And a Happy Thanksgiving if you are Canadian! )

[Redskies]

It's absolutely alright!

Just because your boyfriend is convinced of something... well, it doesn't make it so. He's incorrect about lubricated condoms. There's only a little lubricant on the condom, and it's not enough to replace what you'd use from a tube (or bottle!). As a sex ed organisation, we'd always suggest having some lube in a tube or bottle around whenever you're having any kind of sex: most people do need a little to make sex comfortable and to make sure that a condom doesn't break, and too, nearly always, extra lube only makes sex feel better. So, added lube: win all round.

When used correctly (so, including adding a small dab of lube ), condoms are a reliable method of contraception, and breakages are rare. It depends on how confident you feel about using them as a method, and how much protection from pregnancy you want. Over one year of use, condoms are 86% effective in typical use, 98% in perfect use. For people who strongly don't want to become pregnant, we suggest using two methods, because that makes the chance of pregnancy very tiny indeed. We have more info in The Buddy System: Effectiveness Rates for Backing Up Your Birth Control With a Second Method

While we're talking about that, though, I have to say that I'd advise holding off on further sex with someone who's being, well, resistant at best, to the things you're saying you want and need. His actions aren't giving him a glowing endorsement! His behaviour is suggesting that he's, at best, not good at taking on board and acting on what you want and need, and that's always a negative in a sexual partner. Things like intimate sexual entry, pregnancy risk, STI risk - they're not trifling things, and it's better to only head into them with someone who already has a proven track record of immediately supporting and respecting us. For your physical and mental well-being, I'd suggest holding off unless and until there's a long-term change in his behaviour. (More related to this in your newer thread.)

Saliva is pretty rubbish as a lubricant: it dries up and evaporates within a few seconds, so it doesn't work very well. We'd not class it as a lubriant It's certainly no substitute for actual lube in a tube! The usual information about STI transmission, and other bacteria and virus transmission, applies to saliva contact with genitals. We wouldn't describe it as unsanitary, we'd simply suggest that people should know what kinds of transmission risk may be involved with the activities they've chosen, and do what they can to reduce those risks. What matters here, though, is how you feel about it with your own body and life, and you're being clear that you don't like the idea of saliva on genitals. That's really the end of the matter: if you don't want something, if you're not comfortable with something, it's off the table. Simple as that.

There should never be a need to "convince" a partner of anything when we're talking about sex. Your saying it should be enough. Because you (don't) want it is reason enough. Too, the kind of sex you're talking about is about entry into your body. That's a very personal thing, and for anyone else - someone whose body isn't going to be entered in that way - to be suggesting what you will and won't need is, in my opinion, a bit clueless and beyond. We'd be happy to talk with you further about your boyfriend in this, but this issue seems clearly part of the issue you've raised in your newer thread; so, for now, it seems to make more sense to get to the heart of the overall matter in that thread, and then we and you will have a much better idea of how to handle this particular part. Is that okay?