Mixed feelings towards having sex

[Kim_2704]

Hello Scarleteen!
I'm in a situation that's putting me under stress about what to do and is also confusing me about how I feel towards having sex. I've been in a long distance relationship for over 2 years now and things have been great. I struggled with pregnancy fears after a scare for some time, and it lead to me and my boyfriend abstaining from intercourse when he visited me in Ecuador. However, after doing more readings on birth control effectiveness, I decided I felt comfortable combining the pill with condoms and during my visit to Australia earlier this year we enjoyed a healthy sexual life with lots of pleasure and zero scares (how it's meant to be!). This experience made me feel like I had gotten over my pregnancy fears and it was empowering. Now, my boyfriend is planning a visit at the end of this year, and I am feeling overwhelmed at the thought of sex. There are several things that may cause me to feel like this: I am soon to graduate college and the small chance of becoming pregnant scares me a lot, I too live with my parents and sexual activity while in the house has to be sneaky and restricted. But the biggest problem I'm facing at the moment is that, during my last appointment to the gynecologist my mom went in with me! (I didn't know how to ask her to let me do it alone) and she asked the doctor if it was possible for me to be taken off the pill (I was prescribed to take the pill mainly for cycle regulation and ovarian cysts, but I use it for contraception too). There were no questions about my sexual activity, and the doctor said that taking me off the pill would be useful to see how my body reacts to it and how my cycles work without extra help. So he said I should stop after this months's pack and then go back for the follow up in 6 months. I was shocked, I didn't know how to say that I may need it for contraception when my boyfriend comes, but I was afraid of my mom's reaction to that. So, on top of those previous thoughts on having sex when my boyfriend comes, I am meant to be off birth control and it only complicates things. I've been toying with the idea of just keep taking my pill and get off birth control when my boyfriend leaves. Also, after this visit, we are going to prepare for our future together and that means to get more stable jobs that probably won't allow visits for 2+ years, so restraining on sexual activity during this visits means not having sex for over 3 years and it worries me how much impact this couls have in our relationship. I also want to say something that I've noticed, and that makes me confused: I think If I were going to visit him Australia I wouldn't be second-guessing having sex, because there it is not seen as something "bad" to have sex before marriage, and in my country it is seen as a bad thing that you could get "punished for", even though I consider myself a sex-positive person, it seems that my geographic locations have an influence on my decisions and feeling towards sex. I'm not sure what to do about this situation and these feelings, I guess I just need someone to talk

[Karyn]

Hi Kim.

I know that it's confusing for you, but I'm actually not surprised that you find yourself less worried about pregnancy when you're in Australia instead of Ecuador. Not because of the physical location specifically, but because it sounds like being in Australia, you're away from a lot of things that would make having sex more stressful: cultural norms about having sex before marriage being "wrong", needing to sneak around/a lack of privacy, being able to use methods of birth control that you're comfortable with, without any interference. Those things can all be a real hindrance to having sex that you enjoy and feel good about, and that isn't a source of stress!

As far as figuring out some solutions, unfortunately there's not much you can do about cultural norms around sex, but there may be some other things that could reduce your stress. It sounds like continuing to use the pill would be a help, for one thing: is that something that you think is workable? For instance, would you need to go back to the gynecologist to get a new prescription so you could continue taking it, and if so, do you want some help figuring out a way to let your mom know that you'd prefer not to have her in the room? If you feel like using the pill as well as condoms is one way to lessen the chances of pregnancy worry - and it sounds like that's the case - then by all means, I'd encourage you to find a way to keep on using that method.

I'm also wondering if there's a way for the two of you to get out of the house for a bit - like for a few days - while your boyfriend visits, so you can have some privacy and you don't need to worry about sneaking around. Maybe you could arrange a short trip away together, something you might be able to sell to your mom as doing "touristy" things but that would also give you a chance to have some time where you don't need to be concerned about someone interrupting you or making too much noise, that kind of thing.

Ultimately, though, if you think that having intercourse would just be too stressful for you this visit, then I'd say that as sucky as it might be, you just stick with the sexual activities you're comfortable with (if any). Three years is a long time between visits - and I've done the super-long-distance thing myself, I get that it's tough - but I wouldn't assume that it's necessarily going to be that long, and there are very likely ways that you can see each other before then. Too, having a kind of sex you're not comfortable with just because you feel pressured by the possibility that it's the last time for a while isn't going to be fun for anyone involved, which really defeats the purpose: sex is ideally supposed to be something that is enjoyable and a positive experience.