Bleeding After Manual Sex + Clarification

[nerdgirl40]

Hi,

Yesterday my boyfriend fingered me. I have been fingered numerous times before and have never bled afterwards. However when I got home from his house a couple hours afterwards I went to the washroom and noticed some brown spotting on my underwear. I believe this is potentially a tear as his fingers did go quite deep this time however his fingers were cleanly cut and washed before he fingered me. I am just wondering if a tear is in what could be causing me to have some spotting or if it is something more serious that I should be worrying about. I am not expecting my period until next week so I know it is definitely not period related spotting.

Also, I have an unrelated question to my bleeding but I just wanted some clarification. I have read every single article on here about what causes a pregnancy and what is considered a pregnancy risk etc however I am a bit conflicted on the issue of genital rubbing and pre-ejaculate. I realize that direct genital-to-genital rubbing is a pregnancy risk and the risk becomes even higher when ejaculation is involved. However what I was wondering about is how is pre-ejaculate a risk if it is not actually released through vaginal intercourse? If there actually is indeed sperm in the pre-ejaculate to begin with how would a couple drops of pre-ejaculate (which would have considerably less sperm than a regular ejaculation) from genital rubbing be able to even make the journey from the vulva all the way to the fallopian tubes when in a regular ejaculation only a couple hundred sperm out of hundreds of millions even make it there? I know withdrawal sometimes fails because pre-ejaculate can cause a pregnancy that way but that would be because it is already inserted deep within the vagina and the pre-ejaculate would have less of a "journey" to make.

In the "Pregnancy Scared" article it says that if no one ejaculated on or very near someone's vulva there is no pregnancy risk. Yet I have read that any contact between a vulva and an erect penis is also a risk. This is confusing for me because what if you do not engage in any vaginal intercourse, anal intercourse, genital-to-genital rubbing or any ejaculation near the vulva which are considered pregnancy risks but what if you are just lying naked together or something similar and in adjusting from one position to another on the bed you accidentally have brief contact between a vulva and an erect penis? Does a brief contact between genitals become a pregnancy risk even though there was not actually any intentional direct genital-to-genital rubbing?

I know this question is very long but I just feel a bit confused on the different information I have read on this website. I just want to make sure that I educate myself properly so that if I ever encounter a situation where I am involved in the activities listed above that I know exactly what is considered a risk.

Thank you in advance!

[Heather]

In terms of the bleeding, were you using a lubricant? And were you very turned on before and throughout? Did it feel really good, or did it not feel good, or even hurt?

Direct genital to genital rubbing is something that can be pretty varied. In one case, that might mean penis-to-mons. In another, it can mean the penis against the vaginal opening the whole time, making it pretty much intercourse (especially when you bear in mind that vaginal fluids also help with sperm cell motility when there are any present). So, it's a lot more difficult with this one to give the kinds of answers you're looking for. However, when we talk about that, we're not talking about the kind of contact that would happen from people just lying around and shifting positions. We're talking about people literally rubbing their genitals against someone else's.

Too, bear in mind that the depth of the penis with intercourse varies. It sounds like you have the idea that for pregnancy to happen, someone has to be having intercourse with the head of the penis right at the cervical opening, and that's not the case (again, fluids).

So, all you really need to know about this per making choices in the future is that *direct* genital-to-genital rubbing is an activity that poses possible STI and pregnancy risks. So, if you want to reduce those risks and still engage in that activity, you just want to use barriers to reduce the risk of STIs, and (if you want to use something for contraception besides a condom alone), a method or methods of contraception to reduce the risk of pregnancy.

[nerdgirl40]

We did lots of kissing and other types of foreplay before he actually did finger me so I was very aroused before hand. However I don't think I was aroused the entire time because we did take some breaks to just cuddle instead. We also did not use lubricant. It felt pretty good most of the time. There was a couple moments where it would be a little painful and I told him to stop which he promptly did.

Thank you for the clarification on what actually is considered direct genital-to-genital rubbing. It most definitely has to happen with certain types of contact for a pregnancy to happen. If in the future I decide to engage in those activities I will ensure that I have a method of contraception to use to reduce my pregnancy and STI risks.

[Heather]

Okay. So, lube is really important sometimes. Sure, maybe sometimes we don't need it, but more times than not, we do. (And it almost always makes what feels good feel even better, so it's kind of silly not to use it!)

Too, you were experiencing pain. If we could turn back time, what a good move with this would have been -- for the future -- would have been to stop. Do some more of the things that did feel good, not the manual sex. And then, if you wanted to have another go at the manual sex, and were turned on, to add lube and try again. If it all felt awesome and slippery and good, great. If it didn't, then just nevermind. You switch back again to other stuff that does feel great, and in no way painful, or, if you're just not into anything anymore, you call your whole sexybusiness a day. Make sense?

Also, just to be sure you know this, doing other things before doesn't mean a person is aroused. We can be kissing someone and not be turned on. We can be doing any number of sexual things we know have turned us on in the past, but at the present time, aren't turning us on. In other words, the doing of those things alone doesn't = arousal. Arousal is about how we feel, emotionally and in our minds, and how our bodies and minds are actually responding to anything sexual we do or even just think about. Sometimes that can happen, other times it doesn't. So, just knowing what you did doesn't actually tell me if you were aroused or not. It's knowing how you felt -- like if you said, "Oh yeah, I was super turned on before we started!" -- that would.

And for sure, we can be turned on then -- and this isn't necessarily about switching to cuddling, as people can be turned on during cuddling, just like people can't be -- lose that feeling. If and when we do, especially if it's to the point that we're just not interested in being sexual for ourselves (not just because we feel we have to or should because someone else is), then it's time to just call it and do something we ARE interested in, be that cuddling, watching a movie, or knitting.