Impermanence in relationships, how/if we prepare for it.

[Jacob]

So a really big factor for me in relationships is how they end or how I think they might end. I've had relationships that have been a pleasure to be in, but have ended terribly. So I have often tried to have that conversation early on in dating, to get a sense if something could work out between us, but also how that person and I might deal with change together. I gather this is something people don't tend to do. I guess it's a bit like saying "I love our grandpa... how shall we organise his funeral when he dies" and it can seem mean!

Most of the sexual relationships any of us have, however, will end in someway. How do you guys deal with impermanence? Is it something you think about? Is it something not to think about until it happens? Or, maybe you enter relationships hoping that they won't end... How would you feel/react if a partner asked about break up, or how a change in the relationship might happen?

I'm realy interested in your thoughts!

[capablehippie]

When my boyfriend and I first got together, we discussed how our relationship would inevitably end, but we were so excited and in like with each other that we convinced ourselves pretty easily that the journey would be worth it (I still agree with this statement, almost two years later). Our relationship hasn't come to an end yet, and we still don't know how it will end, just that it will. Sometimes it seems like the longer we stay together, the colder and more hurtful our break up will be. There are clumps of time when in my mind we'll surely be together until college sends us separate ways, and at those times I just try not to think about it. Other times, I really consider ending the relationship and it feels like we mostly stay together because it's easier than breaking up. The idea of impermanence makes me uneasy, I have never liked change. However, I'm young and it's also exciting to know I'm going to do other things and know other people in my life.

[Danny S.]

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. My current partner of six months is the first person I've dated since early high school. A lot of my hesitance about dating people comes from this fear/anxiety about inevitably breaking up, and it's definitely been hard to deal with now that I'm finally facing it. I've had multiple conversations with my partner about what will happen if/when we eventually break up, and while I've become more comfortable and stable in our relationship, I agree with capablehippie- the longer we stay together, the worse off I'm going to be when we break up. I think this is amplified by the level of involvement my partner has in my life. I'm good friends with their family, their house is a safe place for me to get away from college (they live half an hour away from where we go to school), and I'm extremely close with their dog (and he loves me, too).
While I certainly hope my relationship won't end any time soon, I also think that it's important to think realistically and logically about these things. I get what you mean about grampa's funeral, but I think it's less about the planning of the funeral and more about life after the funeral; especially at this point in my life (I'm a sophomore in college, starting to think about graduating and moving out soon), I feel like it would be reckless to not have a backup plan. I would love to graduate and get an apartment with my partner, maybe even move across the country with them eventually, but what if I do that and then we break up? I want to be prepared for that just in case, and be able to pick up the pieces.
Tl;dr: based on my limited experience and knowledge, this is a perfectly reasonable, and even good, thing to think about. As long as it's not interfering with your relationship or mental health, I don't think it's a problem, and it's definitely something to discuss with your partner (maybe not right off the bat, but still).
Thanks for bringing up this topic! It's super relevant in my life right now, and I'm glad to have a place to talk about it.

[Ashleah]

Good question Jacob, definitely don't think this is something that I have thought about as much as I should. I'm legally married, so there would be quit a bit of logistics that go into ending our relationship. And really, since we have children it is more about how the relationship changes since our contact would not end.

While we have never had a formal conversation about it (which I think is for the same reasons that have been mentioned here-fear), it comes up casually from time to time, when discussing other relationships I suppose...but that gives us a (more) comfortable space to discuss how it would apply to us. So I think we think about it, while also trying not to acknowledge it is a possibility.

[Jacob]

This is a great discussion! Thanks capablehippie, Danny & Ashleah!

I like the idea of opening up the space for difficult conversations through talking about tv or books.

[Sunshine]

When I first knew my partner, I did not expect the relationship to last. Not because I thought we were incompatible or too young or too anything, really, just because it seemed statistically so unlikely. We didn't have a real discussion about this, though. I remember I said openly that it was improbable we would stay together because so few people do, especially at the age we were then, and he would say "so what, we aren't other people" and then we would just try to live in the moment and enjoy each other's company while we had it.

We've been together for... let me think... over ten years now. We've recently managed to finally move in with each other and we got married (yay and double yay!). Meanwhile, the majority of couples we know are separating / getting divorced, so it's kind of impossible to ignore that topic. And since I know most of the couples I mentioned didn't expect it would "happen to them" one day, how can I expect it won't "happen to us"?

My partner says it isn't something that happens, it's something that people do, and if we don't want to separate, we just won't, that it's totally up to us and even though I bet that's what the people who are getting divorced now said to each other as well, I still like it. So I guess we do discuss the matter now, if only to confirm that we still want to stay together and are willing to put in the effort.

I sometimes make jokes about "when I am a widow" - that's terribly morbid, isn't it? I think I am secretly scared stiff of that happening and try to alleviate the fear with ridicule.

[Jacob]

I listened to a podcast where a holocaust survivor was interviewed and she talked about how planning ahead for her was a way of dealing with fear. If she was scared a family member might be killed, but she didn't know yet, she would rehearse in her head what she would do if she recieved that news. She'd think about who she would need to inform, the logistics, the funeral and plans that would need to change. It took her mind off the immedieate threat and when she recieved the good news that that relative was ok she could carry on as normal. I thought that was a really powerful way to deal with big danger (bad bad stuff)... it could probably be a good way to think about small-danger (heartbreak) too.