Inappropriate crush on professor

[light_frost]

I am madly, unreasonably, feverishly in love with my professor. He's the smartest person I know, has a dry sense of humor and is very kind. He's also around 20 years older than I am, and is married with kids. I have vivid fantasies and dreams about him. I know crushing on him is really not a good idea, but I can't get him out of my mind. I alternate from feeling deliriously happy when around him, to feeling miserable when I realize how my infatuation isn't going anywhere. What can I do to cool down? Please help!

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards!

I think it's helpful to start with something like this by recognizing that there's really no such thing as appropriate or inappropriate feelings, since our feelings are largely outside our control. Once we're talking about actions -- including acting on feelings -- it makes sense to start thinking and talking about what is and isn't appropriate, but any kind of feelings? They're always okay. There's nothing wrong with your feelings.

However, it sounds like yours might be getting in the way of some things you want like, in this situation, perhaps being able to actually learn from this person, since that's what they're here for for you, rather than being fixated on your crushy feelings.

This may sound like a silly question, but is this person actually good at their job? In other words, were you to pay more attention to the job they're doing, and the educational experience you can provide, do you think you'd feel inspired by that? Or are your sexual and/or romantic feelings about them more interesting than your educational interactions with them?

[light_frost]

No doubt I'm biased, but yes, he's great at his job. I genuinely feel I've learned a lot in his class, and have been doing well in it. The educational experience he provides somehow adds to his appeal. My feelings haven't prevented me from learning from him, but they do ruin my peace of mind!

[light_frost]

And thank you so much for the reply

[Sam W]

Hi light_frost,

If that's the case, you have a few things you could try. One is to just ride the crush out. Most crushes fade with time, either because we start to see the person in a less rosy way or we stop running into them. As long as the crush isn't interfering with your ability to learn (and as long as you don't pursue it), there's no harm in letting it run its' course.

Another option would be to try and focus on things other than your feelings for your professor during class. If you find him to be engaging as a teacher, try and see if you can focus solely on what he's saying and taking your notes on it. It may not rid you of the crush, but it might help you temper it some.