Sexual repression

[ccwj]

I am afraid to express my liking for girls via smiling to myself as I'm happy or sexually attracted.Especially so if the girls are much younger as I am afraid people will Judge me negatively to be paedophilia or immature as older men seem more composed and don't react when they see a hot girl.

Is smiling to myself as a way of showing interest in girls Immature? I also feel that I should not let others know I like a girl because I'm not confident of my self worth and feel unworthy of love.

[Sam W]

Hi ccwj,

So, there's nothing wrong with smiling to yourself when you see someone you think is attractive. The way that our expressions of attraction can become negative is if we make other people uncomfortable by expressing them. For instance, there's nothing wrong with smiling when you see someone pretty, but openly staring at them so they notice and feel uncomfortable is not okay. Does that make sense?

Can you tell me more about why you feel unworthy of love?

[ccwj]

Hi, it's due to upbringing where I always get compared to my Brother that I'm not good enough despite what I do and at a point I did become not good enough because of my academic grades. Also in life I had good friends, but I never really felt like loved by many people. I know it might be how I interact handle friends but I do see people around me who always seems bombarded by lots of friends compared to my handful of close friends. While there is nothing wrong with the way I choose to invest in friends, it having many friends who would turn up for your birthday parties etc kind of tells me that I'm more loved.

By the way Sam, would just like to find out why some guys are just desensitised by attractive girls? How do I be as nonchalant as them. You mentioned smiling to myself isn't wrong but I would prefer to not express it outwardly.

Thanks.

[Sam W]

Something that can be helpful to remember is that friendship quality is as important as friendship quantity. Some people have 30 friends of varying degrees of closeness, while other people have a few really close friends. Having more friends does not automatically mean someone is more loved (or worthy of love) than someone else. Too, do you focus a lot of your mental energy on how you compare to your brother?

In terms of regulating your reaction to attractive people, you do that the same way you regulate any other emotion. For instance, when something makes you happy, you may smile, but odds are you're not going to start yelling and jumping up and down (unless it's something really exciting). You can do something similar when you see someone pretty. That being said, sometimes our reactions are so automatic that they happen before our brain has a chance to stop them, so you may still find yourself smiling from time to time. Can I ask why appearing nonchalant is important to you?

[ccwj]

Well Sam, I don't focus any energy on my Brother per se anymore cause I have started work. I'm happy with my progress ie salary etc but nonetheless comparison is a never ending game, I know that there will always be people who are better off or more successful. It is just that my upbringing somehow was inscribed into my memory. It's the past yet impactful in how I view myself today.

On the question on having a calm demeanour and it's importance,I believe it plays a role in power relations between a guy and a lady. Being interested yet not showing the cards in your hand gives me the advantage in that I'm not being "needy" of her love even though there might be mutual attraction. It's the same analogy of going into a negotiation where the more "desperate" party loses out in the relationship.

Thanks beforehand for your reply Sam

[Sam W]

Have you ever talked with a counselor about feeling like you always compare yourself to others? Some comparison is normal, but if you feel like it's affecting your well-being or happiness, that's a sign it's time to bring the issue up with a professional.

To be honest, the dynamic you're describing between men and women is one of those social notions that actually backfires and ends up making everyone involved unhappy. The reason for that is playing mind-games with each other (which is what you're describing) sucks all the fun and love out of a relationship. Romantic relationships aren't like business negotiations where one of you is trying to triumph by getting something the other person doesn't want to give. Relationships are about giving and receiving in equal measure (not to mention, it's hard to get someone to date you if you're unwilling to communicate that you like them). Think of it this way: would you rather date someone who showed you how much they liked you, who made you feel lovable and desirable, where you felt like you were both invested in the relationship? Or would you want to date someone where you constantly worried that they didn't really like you, where you felt like you always had to perform for their approval, and where you felt like you cared about the relationship more than they did?

[ccwj]

Sam, actually I do see a professional. I think my concern would not be comparison but rather how to have self esteem such that comparisons wouldn't affect me.

Secondly, I think you're spot on with regards to playing mind games. Unfortunately I feel I'm being sucked into this game and it's tough being who I am just as it is. However, you are absolutely right about the part where it'd definitely better to know you are loved and not having to second Guess. I will remind myself to throw away the idea of having to be cool about seeing a hot babe. The second part of your advice was really helpful. Tyvm.

Additionally, I felt the part about expressing liking for younger girls not adequately answered. I went to a all boys school when I was reaching puberty and at that age I never really had the chance Nor interest to interact or like a girl. I feel somewhat emotionally Immature because Im somewhat older now yet I do like girls from the 14 -17 age group. It's not paedophilic but I'm afraid societal Norms will lead people to perceive me as somewhat preying on younger girls. Is this wrong? How do I grow out of it?

[Heather]

Your feelings aren't your actions.

In other words, no one can prey on someone else with their feelings. Being predatory is about actions. So, if you don't act on feelings of attraction for someone, no matter who that someone is, there's not going to be any predation or perception of predation by anyone else. See the difference?

[ccwj]

Heather thanks for the reply. That was enlightening.

As mentioned earlier by Scarlett I'm entitled to show my liking but not make the other party uncomfortable. I do believe my smiling due to interest is overtly obvious and I believe I do cause undue stress to younger girls.

My Friend has this sort of criteria or guidelines for example he automatically rules out girls that are too old and young. However my love seems to know I boundaries, how do I establish similar boundaries such as my Friend and be more rational about my choices?

[Karyn]

Attraction isn't really something we can control, and everyone is attracted to different things. It's possible that your friend isn't "ruling out" people so much as saying that he doesn't tend to feel attraction to people who are very different in age, or he might be saying that he feels attraction to people of a range of ages but simply chooses to express that attraction only with people who are around his same age. In other words, you can't really pick and choose who you feel attracted to, but as Heather said, you can control how you act on those feelings.

You mention that you're seeing a professional to work on your self-esteem: is this counselor/therapist/psychologist someone you could talk to about your attraction to much younger girls and how it's making you uncomfortable?

[ccwj]

Hi Karyn,

Yes I am seeing a professional counsellor but I think she isn't well equipped to handle such issues and I don't seem to be getting the answers pertaining to my queries.

I thought you guys were doing fairly well in your responses. I'm considering seeing a sex therapist if that is appropriate.

[ccwj]

Karyn in addition you mentioned that my Friend might be attracted to a range of people but choose to express affection to a certain group. I find the wanting to break out into a big wide smile too automatic amd fast. How do I learn to choose and control how I act on my emotions then?

I think by now you realise I have problems regulating my emotions.

[Sam W]

You could try raising this issue with your therapist one time and see how she responds. Sometimes people surprise you. However, if you're feeling that this therapist is not a good fit overall for your needs, then it's time to start looking for one that is.

Have you and your current therapist talked at all about your concerns around regulating your emotional expression?

[ccwj]

Sam, I think to a certain extent I lacked clarity about what aspects with girls I am facing issue and I think I have a better idea now that's why my previous sessions weren't very helpful. Thanks to the team pointing out and advising on my concerns.

[Sam W]

You're welcome, and I'm glad you found our advice helpful!